Hmm... so it's been a little while since I've been on here, I think. I'm trying to read through other's posts and catch up a bit... I'm just not in the best of head spaces at the moment. Mainly because I hate this time of year.
I'm feeling a bit trapped, I think. The thought has only just occured to me, but it would explain a lot of what I've been feeling. I normally hide away and try to pretend that Christmas and New Year doesn't exist. I HATE them. This year my boyfriend said that he would like to exchange gifts with me... seemed only fair I'd do it with my whole immediate family (parents, brothers), so I've been trying to get about and find gifts for everyone and spending lots of money I could really do with saving... all for a holiday I don't really believe in or want a part of. I also got invited to my boyfriend's parents place this silly season. I said yes... not sure that was a good idea... feeling trapped in it now though.
You see his parents live quite a way away, and it wouldn't be easy for me to run off back home if I wanted to (transport is difficult there and my boyfriend will drive us down)... I don't even know how long we're going to be there (everytime I ask my boyfriend about it he keeps saying however long he feels like it)... I feel like it's my boyfriend's holiday and he is just letting me tag along. I'd rather the idea of us doing something TOGETHER. Plus I don't like having to deal with lots of people at the best of times, and I'll be living under the roof of his parents who I've only met a handful of times for however long my boyfriend decides to be there and I'm not sure if other family members will be including for the celebrations... and I think we'll be catching up with friends of his... and he said he probably won't do anything for New Years 'unless we're asked to a party' - so not my thing by the way... I'm not sure of anything and anytime I ask my boyfriend just shrugs it off (he doesn't have the need for planning and looking ahead that I do, very happy to just go with the flow, deal with whatever comes up if and when it does instead of preparing for it) and has even gotten annoyed at me continually asking the same stuff...
I'm just feeling very stressed and shitty at the moment. I'm actually crying as I write this now. I've been putting myself out there auditioning for a couple of acting schools, which I keep telling myself doesn't matter what happens just have fun as I do it - but it takes so much out of me and I worry I couldn't cope if I did get in, and feel crap about myself if I don't... I'm struggling but I pretend I am fine, even to my boyfriend, cause nobody ever knows what to say and so I just feel awkward bringing stuff up...
My boyfriend especially sucks at active listening. Do you know what I mean by that? Whenever something comes up that he has no experience in or is difficult (like a death or when my brother tried to take his life and is now in a wheelchair) he just looks bored and like he is tuning me out, and when I call him up on it (sometimes) he says stuff that shows he HAS been listening and says he just doesn't know what to say. The knowledge that he probably is listening isn't enough when someone looks bored, can't even look at you, is completely silent on the phone, etc... you need someone to occassionally make a sound to show they are still there, ask relevant questions, show that they care... So I no longer feel like telling him things. I mean, even with good news like my brother walked the other day (with some assistance by physiotherapists and with a frame in the hospital gym) despite having fallen 5 storeys and broke his back and legs, etc (all the breaks are healed... he is in a wheelchair) and everyone else is all excited for us and asking the sort of questions one does like 'how are you feeling about it' and 'what does this mean long term' etc... my boyfriend is just silent and is happy to quickly move the subject along.
Hi Lyra,
I hate it too. It seems some do and some don't. Even us ones that get depressed. I have friends who get depressed who love it, Christmas. I don't.
My boyfriend says , when I am all upset, it is just another day, Marishka. Just think of it like that. Don't get yourself all upset by thinking about it like you do.
He helps me calm down many many times and change my thinking often and I feel better and I feel much appreciation and love for him , much at those times .
And then if I don't calm down with that, he'll just say, where are Emma and Burt? lol. And I may just say, I love you, because I feel it, and feel his trying to help and he does too.
Kind of like we do with two year olds, change their focus, lol. We need to do that for ourselves. And he helps/has helped me a lot with that so now I can do it more often on my own.
On the other side of that, when I want to talk about certain things, I feel not listened to like you said. He makes no comments. No questions. So then I go ballistic, lol, and say why aren't you listening, and he says, I am listening. You said...said such and such, lol.
And I say, but you aren't saying anything. And he says, oh, I didn't know I was supposed to. And on and on we go until I decide to hang up and find another person to talk to about those things, lol or journal about them. And I actually feel a love for him I did not used to, used to just feel anger. He is who he is. And wonderful in so many ways. And I make a mental note that I did not feel validated at that time, to process it later for myself.
I do, now, however, not spend much time before I decide to find someone else to talk to about those things and save my energy and do not get upset.
So there are qualities that one may have that are very helpful to us and then the other side of it, may not be. But that is why there are billions of people in the world, all with particular wonderful qualities to share I have realized. I need to find what I need for myself, and sometimes I can just go inside and find peace by meditating at these times.
One thing I heard loud and clear when I read your stuff about your boyfriend. Well, a couple. One, on a positive side, is that you feel very good when you are with him and that feel you matter and are important. Great. Very good sign I think.
Two, I heard, that he was going to leave 'when HE felt like it' from the holiday festivities at his parents. Whaaaat???? What about when YOU feel like it? I have heard what I regard as very self centered, ignorant similar things from certain people, lol
NO, I don't think so, how about my feelings? How about when I want to leave?
So, I say to them, if I go, and I want to leave if I feel uncomfortable or don't like it, will you be ok with that? If they say sure, I want you to feel good, wonderful. If not, no go. I won't go.
Or inside, I set up a plan. OK, take my car, or have a plan, where can I go if I don't like it, make it beforehand. And make a mental note of the fact that it seemed my feelings were unimportant to him compared to his at that time. And later, ask myself, is this ok with me? I will bring it up if it is not. And remind myself that I choose to be in whatever relationship to the extent I am. I make the choice. And we do. So I feel I am in control of me.
The other thing I heard was the thing about not feeling heard or listened to...maybe on particular subjects. I got the feeling your boyfriend may not feel comfortable on difficult subjects. I have a guy friend like that. And like I said, my boyfriend is like that. And everyone I imagine, me too.
You can feel really horrid though when you feel your words do not matter or are not valued. You then feel you do not matter.
And invalidated and like you have just let out your soul, and SILENCE. I know. It drains me of my life inside. My spark for life. My joy. My enthusiasm. I am a whole person, I want to talk about many things.
He is not comfortable. ok. I accept that about him. So for myself, I do figure out who I can talk to about those things and go to them. Go to my boyfriend for support in calming down when my thinking is spiraling, he is very helpful with that.
And I can talk to him about so many many things I cannot talk with others about. And countless times he has been supportive with family stuff, and he knows so much about practical electrical things.
He has taught me so much about organization and many many many other things. I love him. He has limitations, just as we all do. I choose to be with him in a close relationship. I could choose not to.
Me too, I have 'good' qualities and harder to accept qualities for him. I am me.
I do not know about certain things and know about others Also, comfort levels vary for me. I know certain topics trigger me and I choose not to discuss these. Or I don't care about them, like when someone starts talking about cars, or even when he starts talking about the intricacies of building a model car, I know it frustrates him when I don't ask questions or change the subject! But he has an online forum to talk about this subject with because he likes to!
Just as we do here, to get support.
I am sure people say to themselves, well I can talk to Marishka about this, but not that! She'll go ballistic, lol, I'm sure my boyfriend has figured those out! And he stays away from them.
Probably finds others to talk to about those, if he needs to. We seemed to have found some ways to honor eachother a bit more, accept eachother, support eachother and try to stay away from things that make the other upset.
And we know well what does. Maybe this is not completely healthy, not sure, but we are not perfect and for now, this is how we know how to deal with ourselves, the other person and our relationship in the most loving way we can. It seems he has gotten better at caring about me and I about him in a way, that we kind of didn't have before, and somehow I feel more appreciated than before and more supported. I am glad. Go figure. Always evolving. Relationships. And individuals. Can go up and down for sure too.
Like a hardware store, I can get a hammer and nails. And then I need to go next door to get the milk at the grocery store. I will get very frustrated if I keep looking for the milk in the grocery store and visa versa.
I've figured out, people need many relationships. One person cannot fill all our needs.
I am exhausted. Just a topic I relate to very much with you when you write about boyfriend stuff.
See, kind of like on here! We chime in when we know something about the topic or feel comfortable! And don't respond when we don't feel we know anything or don't feel comfortable!
And, funny thing is, on here, too, lately I feel an appreciation and knowing of many of the people, what they are like, to whom I can discuss what and what are their strengths and what they seem to like, vband when they don't respond....funny, and I lately all of a sudden felt such a warmth for someone on here when I realized, ok, I just like to be in my right brain more than my left, and that person seems to prefer the opposite, and boy, do I appreciate sometimes having someone to really be in my left brain with!!!
tired. why I went on and on, no idea. see, people probably think to themselves, well, I am aware of that about Marishka, she can have that tendency, and today, I think I will just skip over her babble, but boy she has some things I appreciate and sometimes her babble is comforting, just choose to spend my time on something else than reading her babble today! (but you are lengthy too, so maybe we have that in common)
today, I don't know how to stop, so as I say to my boyfriend on the phone when I am that way, ok, hang up now, Marishka. And then I do it. lol
have a good day
Marishka
Thank you, Marishka
I read your whole comment because I found it very helpful - you're right we do think and feel along the same sort of ways about this. And I guess I have to accept that one person can not give me everything I need... he has his strengths and weaknesses as we all do and I really should give him more credit than I do... just feeling a bit frustrated with him at the moment, I guess.
I think I may need to bring up the going away for Christmas thing with him again - like you said it's not fair that it is about when HE is ready to leave... that's kind of why I feel like I'm just tagging along as he does his thing. And when you feel resentful about one thing everything else seems to compound it and you start questionning why you're with someone... even if you do love them.
Thank you so much for your reply - I'm glad you took the time to type all that because I got something from everything you put up. I really need to get around to reading some of your posts again soon (sorry I have been very lax of late), but I really hope you are doing well.