I know I don't have to be alone tonight, but I'm busy trying to make a point. Shush you.
I have spent the last few days with my boyfriend doing all sorts of nice things (like putt-putt, playing pool, eating out, cuddling on the couch watching DVDs, just chilling together, having a picnic at a beautiful spot overlooking the city near the wood), but, as always, it has been under his terms at his place. I have let it be this way since the beginning. It made sense since he was the one working that I would make time for him when he was free, and since he has his own place and I live with my Dad it also makes sense that we spend lots of time at his place... but we've been dating over 8months and he has only ever slept around my house twice.
Which is the issue today. I have to be home because tomorrow I'm meeting with a friend for lunch and we'll be driving from my place (my friend lives, literally, just around the corner from my Dad's place). Considering my boyfriend and I have been staying up to the early hours of the morning and sleeping half the day I thought it would be a struggle waking up early from his place, travelling the hour and a half it takes to get home by public transport, and be ready by midday to see my friend. I thought, however, it'd be a pity not to spend as much time as I can with my boyfriend before he has to return to work on Sunday so I asked him to stay the night around my place. In the past he has made all sorts of excuses like being too tired with work and needing to properly crash alone at his place, needing to feed the cat (she would be fine waiting for him to get home and he knows it), etc... this time he really had no excuse - he simply said he didn't want to.
I feel rejected. Once he refused my proposal I disconnected and he felt it, repeating over and over again that he loves me, seeking body contact with me, kissing me, etc... but I'm sick of him accepting me purely on his terms. It is like he is happy to have me fit into his life and follow him around... but he is reluctant to have to fit into mine. I don't think such a thing is stable long term - I cannot keep morphing my life to suit his (especially if I finally manage to get work and if we ever live together) - he has to fit around me too.
It's just hard to bring it up cause he gets all defensive and I fear him getting angry. It is a rare thing for him to lose his temper, but he has scared me when he has lost it before. I tend to go quiet and teary - I don't fight back at all, despite that being my response with my family. Different people, different rules I guess.
Tonight I could have stayed around his place until late and then had him drive me home. I suppose I could have slept there and returned here early in the morning. Instead I left after he refused my invite and so am alone much earlier in the evening than I need to be - but I'm trying to make a point. Of course he'll probably just pretend my irritablness never happened. But I'm going to try and make it anyway... I just hope it isn't too passive aggressive of me, and is more on the scale of me standing up for myself. What do you guys think?
Lyra, it doesn't sound exactly passive-aggressive to me because he DOES know you are irritated with him about this and have chosen to do what works best for your schedule this time. Maybe when things cool down, you could get him to talk about why he doesn't want to stay at your place. Is it possible it's because your dad is there?
I think it's a good thing that you're recognizing you need your boundaries and you need something from him. Like you say, if you get a job he would have to make accommodations for you, or if you live together there are always going to be compromises. When I started dating my husband, I gave up virtually all of my friends to be with him and it took a while, but I finally realized that I had no life of my own, I was asking permission to do things with friends, etc. and he got resentful if I went somewhere without him. He had become dependent on my being there all the time. But that's not realistic. Many years later we had to work on this.
I guess I'd try to find out why he doesn't want to stay at your place, unless you're afraid of the answer. I understand, too, your fear of him being angry because I am the same way - it's like I just can't take it, it scares the crap out of me. But if you time it right, it doesn't seem likely he would get angry at being asked this question as long as it doesn't sound like an accusation, and he needs to know how his refusal makes you feel.
Good luck - I hope you can get this worked out. It might just be another "bump" in the world of relationships. Sometimes it's a dance, trying to work through things, but if your relationship is strong, it will weather it. Better to test it out now than get married before you find that something is a deal breaker.
Hi Judy,
I think it's easier for those of us who do not like our lives to just attach ourselves to another person's. My boyfriend seems happier with his lot than I am about mine, so perhaps he just wants to avoid the drama here?
I don't think my Dad is the issue... if it is he should wake up. Cause sometimes his Dad sleeps at my boyfriend's place (cause his parents don't live anywhere near to the city and my boyfriend does) when he has to work in the city and I sleep over anyway. We also spent our holiday time over Christmas/New Year at his parents place with his parents there... so yeah, it seems daft to me if it is cause of that. I think he just prefers his own space and his own way... he doesn't like talking about his past relationships but one snippet I've gotten from him is that when he was in a 2yr relationship with a girl they spent more time at his place than hers cause he prefers to be at home...
Just annoying when I rarely ask, and he has the ability to (no work at that time, etc) and he still doesn't simply cause he doesn't want to. Men. I guess there may be more to it, I still haven't talked to him about it cause I haven't seen him face to face since then and it doesn't feel like an over the phone type of chat, but that's the gist of what I've gotten so far.