Valentine's Day is coming up. Not for another couple of weeks, of course, but soon enough that there is all that advertising out in the shops. For the first time I will have a boyfriend on this day. I made a comment to him about the day as we were walking through the shops and his reply was 'oh, are we doing that?'
I'm not the type of girl who likes or needs a lot of hoopla. I don't really like doing the gift exchange thing and feeling like this sort of commercial stuff is so forced and contrite. And yet it hurt when he didn't want to do it.
I think it is because I have never had a valentines. I went through all those school years watching all the other girls receive roses and cards and gifts and I never got a thing. One year I even helped a couple of friends get together first of all and then buy gifts for each other. The guy friend got me a friendship v-day card as thanks, but it's not the same thing.
I don't know what I expected, but I did want something. He said we could do something if I wanted... but now it just feels wrong. Feels like I'm forcing him to do it. I tried to explain - said how if I he is doing it just cause I say he should then it's hardly him showing his love for me. It's not a thought-out display of affection that has come from some need in him.. but I was so passionate about it apparently I went all red faced. His reaction? He laughed at me.
In the past when someone has laughed at me being passionate about something I've responded by getting angry. And I must admit a shot of anger crept up. But mainly I just felt deeply wounded. So much so that after a while he asked what was up, said I was in 'one of your moods'. I said I was hurt that he laughed at me and he apologised but... it wasn't enough.
Now I've had time to cool off and he is at work so I've had my space and I've processed and it's not so bad... but I think when valentine's day comes around it is going to hurt again. I suppose I should acknowledge all the small ways he shows he loves and cares about me, and I shouldn't need a specific day for him to 'prove it' or something ridiculous... but I guess I'm still that kid stuck with her face against the window oogling what she can't have, wanting it simply because everyone has it but her. Or that's how it seems to my childish mind that I apparently haven't grown out of.
And it doesn't help that in the past he told me this story about how he made this valentine's day card for his girlfriend at the time (when he was in high school) - hand made! How wonderful and sweet - and picked her flowers on his way to school, stealing them from a neighbours garden cause he didn't have the money to buy her some. There seems such thought in that with the right dose of spontaneity and romance... and yet I get nothing. We're adults - it is unnecessary now... I kind of agree, and yet I never had it. So I want to experience it. Just once. Is that so much to ask for?
Hey Lyra
Yeah Valentine's Day can be one of those days...kinda like Christmas...there are certain expectations. I would expect too...since this is your first Valentine's together (is this accurate) that he might do something. Maybe he is wanting to surprise you? Or maybe he thinks you are not into that sort of thing?
I wonder what would happen if you mysteriously got some flowers or candy from someone else. :>) Not saying to do that but it might make him appreciate the day and you...a little more.
The thing about relationships is that you can never force someone to share or express themselves in the way that you want them to. And when you give...you can't expect anything back. Everyone has their own way of showing love. Some guys show love with all the mushy stuff and some guys show love by being there for you to talk to and lean upon...some guys show love by taking out the trash unasked.
I wonder if you said to him..."hey valentine's day does mean something to me...I want to give you a little something." I wonder how he would respond.
I know your feelings are hurt. Wish there was something I could say or do to make you feel better. I think a lot of folk do feel pressured by Valentine's Day...maybe especially guys because....they are unsure of the expectations.
Let us know what happens.
MM
Hi Merely Me,
Yes, I think guys see this sort of stuff differently to us girls. And after talking to him again he did say if I want to do something we can... but yeah I'd just rather not have the feeling I'm making him.
Still, like you said, different people show their love in different ways and he is always there for me and tries to make me happy - to the extent where we discuss what we're going to do with our evening (watch something, play a game, etc) he often says 'I want to do whatever you want to do'. It's just that same old gem of accepting someone for who they are, not who we want them to be and accepting their gifts without looking for things that aren't there.