I know I'm feeling better when:

• I make a mistake I can learn from it instead of getting frustrated, and can even see the light side of it and laugh at the situation/myself.
• I'm feeling lonely and disconnected from the world I reach out and get in contact with another, connect in some way (if only a text) instead of retreating into my own private bubble and truly shutting everyone and everything out.
• I get afraid of something and instead of running away or falling apart I become more determined to continue on and beat the sucker.

 Today I went to centrelink, which is the place in Australia where people's benefits come from. I haven't worked in years, getting my money off a disability pension, but I feel ready to change that. I need help though, seeing as I have no references and I need a job that I can handle. I tried phoning but they said I had to go in to my nearest branch in person (after waiting for over 45mins for my call to get past annoying musak and reach an actual person). I lined up for over half an hour, explained my situation and gave my identification number and was told to take a seat where I waited for another half hour or so. I finally got called up and after some flaffing about they said I'd need to get assessed for my job capability so an appointment has to be made for that, but they couldn't make an appointment right then and there cause the computer wasn't allowing them to and the phone was going straight to answering machine. I'm going to get a call over the next couple of days to get that appointment, and yet apparently they couldn't do it over the phone when I called!

I felt dizzy and faint standing in line. I got teary when talking to the lady trying to help me. And I broke down crying in the toilets afterwards, barely getting there in time. I hate centrelink. I hate the idea of having to work seeing as I fell apart last time. I'm scared of so much about this and have had panic attacks and nightmares a lot recently because of it. But instead of cowing down like I have in the past, turning back, thinking perhaps it is not the time and that I'm not ready yet, I have only become more determined to do this.

I will power through the fear. I will prove to myself that I can handle not only the process of getting work but the work itself when I get it. I will beat it so that I won't ever have to feel like this again... or that's the hope anyway. And right now I believe it. Why? Because I'm doing a lot better than I was. I'm not 'cured', but I'm doing better than before and it shows.