I keep telling myself I didn't expect anything - nobody ever goes to great lengths for me after all - but truthfully I didn't just wish and want, I did sort of expect...
What am I talking about? Yesterday was my birthday. It went ok at first - more people than usual realised and posted a message on my wall on facebook, I got texts from a friend and my boyfriend in the morning, and presents off my family, got a few cards too. Then I met up with my boyfriend in the evening (after he finished work), watched him play basketball, cooked dinner with him, and then he gave me... a card. Oh and a ruler with giraffes on it that look like they are chewing when you move it up and down. I can use it as a bookmark since I love to read. Nice... but that's it?
Don't get me wrong. I don't expect heaps of money showered on me. Or for him to do something huge. But I think I did expect to be a little spoilt (as other people have since said 'I bet your boyfriend spoilt you rotten' etc... and so it just hurts all the more that he didn't). I expected to be thought of and a bit of energy put into things. It's one thing for someone to say they care - another to truly show it.
He then said, because I have to admit I couldn't hide my disappointment, that he was thinking he'll get me pillows too (I keep complaining his are flat and old) - a practical gift like the bookmark, he says. I nodded, still trying to compute this lack of effort (it's not like the pillows were already bought or something) and he added that he also wanted to get me a book but he was afraid to take a guess and didn't want to ask for a list so I should let him buy me a book. Ok. Sure.
You know what I would have loved? If he had thought about something he thought I might like. Even if I hated it I would have been touched by the thought and effort. I don't wear much jewellery - but perhaps a necklace, I wear them from time to time. Or I always wear a watch and I've been wearing the same one for years and it has a crack in it - I'm a creature of habit and am not fond of change but if he'd thought to get me a new one I'd have started wearing it all the time instead. Or perhaps he could have bought us tickets to a night out at the theatre or something else nice. Or he could have simply bought me a plaster painting like my Mum did (amongst other things) because I love doing them even though it is childish. Some thought into who I am and what I like, you know?
In fact I just saw Mum and admitted what he gave me and she said she agrees that it isn't right and I need to talk with him about it.
The worst part is that I've seen my boyfriend put thought into other people's gifts before. For his Mum this past Christmas he bought a frame and printed off enlarged photos from his trip in Europe earlier in the year. Even for Chris-kringle (secret santa) type present he went to the effort of getting a module motorbike that matched what the recipient had. There is thought. But apparently I get none. And it's not like we've been together for years - we've been together one year, this is the first time he has given me a b'day present - surely he should still be trying to impress me. If we do get married or simply stay together for years what is he going to end up doing then? Not even acknowledge the day? He could hardly do much worse.
10 Things Not to Say to Someone With Depression 
6 Behavior Changes During Depression 
Getting to Know Your 5 Essential Brain Chemicals 
7 Ways to Make the Concrete Jungle Greener 
Dear Lyra,
It is a very long time since we last communicated. I understand how you feel but, really speaking, your dilemma is to establish whether your boyfriend truly loves you or not. This is something that only you can find out. I feel that it is best to find out as soon as possible and then do what you wish to do about it.
In your shoes I would be totally honest with him without becoming emotional or showing that I am upset. I would just ask him: "I feel that you haven't shown how much you love me because you haven/t given me a birthday present that reflects your love for Me." and see what he says. I feel that being perfectly honest is the only way to get anywhere.
Hi Alfredo, nice to hear from you. I hope you're doing well.
Yes, I guess I am afraid that he doesn't really love me. Then again with my past and all my little insecurities a guy could do everything right and I'd still have my doubts. It's frustrating sorting through what leans more to paranoia and what might have some credibility.
In this case my boyfriend often says he loves me, and on that night we slept in the same bed and he wrapped his body around me and reiterated his love for me so in that way it seems so genuine. But I do fear that he might not think of me when we're not around; that perhaps I'm not such a big priority in his life (his work, basketball, family and friends all seem to come before me at times). I'm hoping it is something like Judy said about how he just couldn't decide what to get... but I definitely have to speak to him.
Sigh. I hate these sorts of conversations.
Yes I know Lyra it is difficult to discuss one's relationship because when we discuss it we begin to analyse it. I do hope that you have found true love.
However, you are right to have doubts and seek explanations. In my personal experience to say that we love someone with words is not the same as demonstrating that love. If you need a boyfriend who puts you first before anything else in his life and someone with whom you can share your life then you need to find out what is going on to avoid disappointments in the future.
I think that in any relationship it is important to put all the cards on the table and be open about it because here there are people's feelings involved. You could be in this relationship to build a future hoping to live together and possibly get married in a near future. This is what most women want after all. On the other hand, he could be in it for the sex and just for the sake of having a girlfriend. As painful as this may sound it is important to find out what exactly is going on.
I have had many relationships before I found the right partner, my wife, and we have been married for 30 years now.