Afraid Of Being Me

By LyraStorm Friday, June 12, 2009

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I used to pray for the end of all the pain and grief

Now I just wish that my time on earth will be brief

And as this all goes on the fear builds in me

Perhaps my wall is falling and everyone will see.

What I am capable of I don't really want to know

I'd rather think I am weak, stupid and slow

That thing I want to do I cannot let it come about

My fantasies will become reality; I'll keep back the doubt

And as for the tiredness and aching of limbs

Better to put up with that then to follow my whims

I hate to admit it; for this new demon to be true

But I'm afraid of being me, of what I will do.

Pinocchio complex

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Comments (5) | Add comment

Judy

6/12/09 4:59pm

Hi, I think your poem is a really good piece of work - very descriptive and I could identify with it. I'm glad you're feeling somewhat better now and hope you keep writing if it helps. It's great to have a way to express those overwhelming feelings, almost like being able to just fling them out of yourself. Hope you have a good week-end.

Merely Me, Health Guide

6/14/09 10:13am

wow. this is a very powerful piece of writing.

So you have had people in your life who had hurt you...with words? Are you still carrying around their message to you?

Tell us what it would be like to be you...the you that is powerful and fights off this depression. What are you most afraid of? falling again? Not being accepted for you who are? Giving up feeling helpless or hopeless? The expectations which come from being well? I do understand these fears...I have been there many times.

It is sometimes the most courageous thing one can do...is just to be yourself. I think you are taking the risks you need to take in order to grow. I truly see you blossoming before our eyes. You keep going. If you need to rest...rest. But then get up again and make this happen...be you.

Great stuff...keep it coming!

LyraStorm

6/15/09 1:39am

Thanks for your comment. I used to define myself by what others thought of me and have had to learn the hard way to let that go... sometimes I fail (usually when I'm most stressed which is when one tends to revert back to old ways, isn't it?). I am kind of afraid of people seeing the real me because if they see the act and find fault then I can just modify the act, but if they see me and find fault then... well that hurts. You know what I mean? It's so much easier to deal with if it's not really me they are attacking, just the show I put on.

But the thing I am most afraid of is falling again. Falling right back down to my worst dip which is what I call hell. It is a place where there is no time (every day feels like hundreds yet when someone makes the effort to meet with me I'm shocked when they tell me months have passed and they've done lots of things whilst I've done nothing, though I'm by far the more exhausted one), where pain is all consuming and multi-layered, where I have panic attacks every single day and cry all the time, where I can't put on the act and try to at least appear normal around others (everyone can see my misery the whole time - I can no longer hide), where I'm continually ill (I was on a holter monitor to check my heart at one point despite only being 22 at the time, had so many aches and pains I needed tests done, etc)... it's the worst place ever and I'm petrified of ever going back there again. I have no idea how I weathered it last time (it went on for over 6months continously at the bottom of the worst dip ever) and I doubt I have it in me to do it again. So, yeah, that's my worst fear. Returning there - then I'm afraid of what I will do (i.e. take my life and thus ruin all the hard work I put in and hurt so many people).

The thing I try to take out of all of that is being grateful even when I fall these days - at least it's not as bad as that other time! So I just keep fighting, hoping I never fall that far again, wishing for dreams to come true, and looking ceaselessly for a way to balance my illness with actually functioning in a way that makes me feel worthwhile.

Bethany

4/30/12 5:11pm

don't know if you'll ever read this, since its a few years later.

but i hope you feel better now:)

and i really enjoyed your poem, very well written.

LyraStorm

4/30/12 9:06pm

Thank you Betthany,

I got a message letting me know that you'd commented. I'm glad you liked my writing, and yes I'm doing a lot better than that now - although still fighting depression, just in a more manageable form.

I hope you are doing well yourself and thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my poem.

Afraid Of Being Me

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