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Your Poem
Judy
Friday, June 12, 2009 at 04:59 PM -
You say so much...
Merely Me
Sunday, June 14, 2009 at 10:13 AMwow. this is a very powerful piece of writing.
So you have had people in your life who had hurt you...with words? Are you still carrying around their message to you?
Tell us what it would be like to be you...the you that is powerful and fights off this depression. What are you most afraid of? falling again? Not being accepted for you who are? Giving up feeling helpless or hopeless? The expectations which come from being well? I do understand these fears...I have been there many times.
It is sometimes the most courageous thing one can do...is just to be yourself. I think you are taking the risks you need to take in order to grow. I truly see you blossoming before our eyes. You keep going. If you need to rest...rest. But then get up again and make this happen...be you.
Great stuff...keep it coming!
re: You say so much...
LyraStorm
Monday, June 15, 2009 at 01:39 AMThanks for your comment. I used to define myself by what others thought of me and have had to learn the hard way to let that go... sometimes I fail (usually when I'm most stressed which is when one tends to revert back to old ways, isn't it?). I am kind of afraid of people seeing the real me because if they see the act and find fault then I can just modify the act, but if they see me and find fault then... well that hurts. You know what I mean? It's so much easier to deal with if it's not really me they are attacking, just the show I put on.
But the thing I am most afraid of is falling again. Falling right back down to my worst dip which is what I call hell. It is a place where there is no time (every day feels like hundreds yet when someone makes the effort to meet with me I'm shocked when they tell me months have passed and they've done lots of things whilst I've done nothing, though I'm by far the more exhausted one), where pain is all consuming and multi-layered, where I have panic attacks every single day and cry all the time, where I can't put on the act and try to at least appear normal around others (everyone can see my misery the whole time - I can no longer hide), where I'm continually ill (I was on a holter monitor to check my heart at one point despite only being 22 at the time, had so many aches and pains I needed tests done, etc)... it's the worst place ever and I'm petrified of ever going back there again. I have no idea how I weathered it last time (it went on for over 6months continously at the bottom of the worst dip ever) and I doubt I have it in me to do it again. So, yeah, that's my worst fear. Returning there - then I'm afraid of what I will do (i.e. take my life and thus ruin all the hard work I put in and hurt so many people).
The thing I try to take out of all of that is being grateful even when I fall these days - at least it's not as bad as that other time! So I just keep fighting, hoping I never fall that far again, wishing for dreams to come true, and looking ceaselessly for a way to balance my illness with actually functioning in a way that makes me feel worthwhile.
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Hi, I think your poem is a really good piece of work - very descriptive and I could identify with it. I'm glad you're feeling somewhat better now and hope you keep writing if it helps. It's great to have a way to express those overwhelming feelings, almost like being able to just fling them out of yourself. Hope you have a good week-end.