Sharing Mood - Diary Entries

Thank you for your feedback and kind words, I appreciate it.

I'm not sure I ever really feel good as such, just a little bit better - it's a bit easier to function, especially considering where I've just been (I recently had another really terrible dip so compared to that I'm feeling fantastic but compared to how I'd like to feel...). Yes you are right, though, that when I seriously consider trying to forge something to do with my future I end up having a dip (I can, and do, have dips anyway but I can trigger one by stressing myself out like that). I get frustrated because it's really hard to take steps forward when just thinking about it drains me of all of the energy I somehow managed to scrape up. It's like I'm stuck in a rut and everyone in my life thinks that if I try harder I could get past it but I'm actually giving a hundred and ten percent the whole time I'm just so sick and tired it doesn't seem like I'm doing anything at all...

As for what comes first the anxiety or depression... I'm always depressed. Like I said I never feel good as in 'better' just a little better than I was and so I appreciate that and try to enjoy the little bits of energy that aren't quite what I need but it's better than nothing. However having said that the anxiety does make my depression worse so if I'm anxious about something than I know the depression is going to go into overdrive. They are two separate entities that combine and make me feel ten times worse than if I had just one or the other. Sometimes they act independently (I've been depressed without being anxious and on very odd occassions anxious without being overly depressed) but it's together that they're overwhelming - unfortunately it's impossible to untangle them - if only I could deal with one and then the other, it would make it so much easier (not easy but easier which is what I've found myself hoping for over the last few years - not to get better as such but to feel at least a little better than I have been: better enough to function at a level I can live with).

I guess I was just whinging about the usual circle I find myself in. I fight or at least weather through a dip, get a bit more energy, try to do something with it only to trigger another dip before another one is due so to speak... on occasion I don't try to fix my life or look into the future and then the gaps between dips is longer... not that I'm actually in a full on dip right now, I just ruined an okay mood... a mood I'd call good but it's not like I'm happy really just... not so bad... I think I've shaken it off a bit again though... I'm tempted to look into drama courses again but it's like 'come on, girl, remember last time!'  Oh well.... thems the breaks, huh? I guess I'll get there sometime... it's like that song I sometimes relate to (whenever I'm not feeling to emotional or frustrated): 'I need something' by Newton Faulkner:

'I need something to believe in because I don't believe in myself. And I'm sick and tired of getting nowhere. I guess it'll all work out.

And I don't mind anymore. I don't mind anymore.

And I need someone to put my trust in because I ain't trusting myself. I'm scared of failure, so scared of success. I guess it'll all work out.

And I don't mind anymore. I don't mind anymore'

Oh and I forgot to say I fear being judged AND I fear failing. I don't like people looking at me and coming up short (even worse if I hurt someone)... I guess that is why I put on an act for so many years: if someone judged the act as bad I could change the act but if someone judges me as bad.... that's harder... that's more personal... that hurts. And failing hurts cause I like being right and I like achieving things and I'm afraid of getting something that I could lose. In a way it's better to stay as I am: if I have nothing I have nothing to lose. But I hate being this way because I'm unfulfilled - I like achieving things (feel worthless when I don't which is why I've learnt practises like appreciating getting up each day and maybe completing a housechore or completing a puzzle or doing some writing or managing a twenty minute to half hour jog). It's the whole line of 'scared of failure, so scared of success'... success means more to lose but staying here means I'm already a failure and a reminder of what I already lost... I'm not sure I can stand falling again (I barely managed to pick up the pieces this time how can I do it a second time)....

HI Lyra,

I have gone through the same feelings. After a tragedy had happened to my son, I shut down. It was so much effort to get dressed and meet people or even talk to people. Which I am a gabber and outgoing, but that was gone, that part of me was changed. It was a frustration to my other children and husband. It just became worse as they would pressure me.

Then friends really didn't know what to say to me, they don't understand being a survivor of suicide. I didn't mind talking about my son, but they were probably afraid to.  Relatives were not close by and they went on with their lives, some would send a note on his "Angel Date". Which I appreciated very much.

I'm glad that you are on this website and writing, as it is so painful for the ones that you leave behind. You are aware enough and capable of asking for help, so I think there is a desire in you to really connect and not die. 

I would spend my days and sometimes now, just stay in bed, or head out to my garden and stay out there all day in my pj's. I wasn't expecting any company and to get dressed took a lot of mental energy and anxiety. But gardening was my therapy because the inside of my house was depressing and I didn't know where to begin to fix it up. I would feel anxiety due to negative feelings from my husband and 18 year old son. The rest of my children have left home but are close by.

I was too down and out to have a discussion with them as I couldn't bear anymore pain. I also wouldn't put make up on or do my hair. So contrary to the way I use to be,

Part of it is just getting older and having more pain from physical activity. I also suffered from Carpal Tunnel Syndrome which comes from stress, physical stress and emotional. I have since 2007 and 2008 have that taken care of and that has really made a change. My hands aren't totally pain free, they do get better and better when I use them and not overdo.

I would want changes so bad that I would wear myself out. Neglecting my own self and my family. Just my husband who works at night and sleeps during the day. And DS has a girlfriend now and work, so I don't see him much either.

So I get you, and when I talked to my therapist the other day, after intensive counseling with hubby a few times, he asked about having friends come over to entertain as a goal together. I told him that I'm just not ready for friends and don't really have any true friends that I know of. We all have busy lives and different lifestyles. I still socialize with neighbors and some church members, etc. 

I just don't make an effort because it would take too much out of me. The therapist said, to just leave that alone and not worry about it. DH and me had enough on our plate to get our marriage back in shape. We were like ships passing through the night.

So I'm with the others, keep writing, and try to do something that you enjoy without any guilt of having to be what someone else wants you to be.

Thank you for your comment - it is tough losing someone you love, that is for sure. I lost a friend but couldn't imagine losing a child. It's a pity those in your life could not be more supportive but I guess they were all trying to deal with it too in their own ways. That's the tough thing, isn't it? It's like it would be so much easier if life could stop and we could all help someone with their issue then we move on and help the next with theirs without other things in life compounding it and adding to our own stress levels and making us less sympathetic than we should be... or that's how I feel sometimes: if only life didn't get in the way people might help out more but they have their own shit to deal with so they don't have the energy or patience...

I'm glad you've found your gardening - I write and go for walks (preferably bushwalks) and jogs and watch movies/TV shows, oh and do puzzles... I've found a few things to help pull me through it's just I want to get on with life too, earn my own way, be independent... right now I manage to get through each day but I'm not really functioning as I should (no work, living at my parents place instead of being independent, etc) and that's frustrating. I mean I can hardly just stay doing what I'm doing forever but I'm barely managing to get by as I am with the coping mechanisms I've taught myself... it's so difficult... everyone says I have my whole life ahead of me (I'm 23) but it's depressing to consider cause I can barely deal with the here and now and I'm not doing what I feel I should/what I want - I want to accomplish something (as any person does) and be independent but I struggle with just being dependent (on government disability pension and parents generosity).... it's hard but I guess I'll continue fighting because there is little other choice (I've seen the pain committing suicide does to a family - the pain you unfortunately know: I'm so sorry for that).

You are so right! It would be nice if time could stand still to help others and catch up on what we were doing before the tragedy. But we are on this earth for tests, being clinically depressed is one big test and I'm so glad that we have DRs that can help us, scientists that are testing new drugs everyday.

You are right on the money with your comments.   And very mature for a 23 year old. And blessings for the help your parents are giving you.

I think you are coming along well. If my son could have had this medium and a better Psychiatrist than the one he got, I think he would have been better. But he did resist help is some ways as he wouldn't take his Adderall for 7 months, and I think and believe he has been planning his suicide for quite some time. He did jump off a cliff and wrote a nice suicide note which was painful to read, but somewhat comforting.

We do miss him, his fun ways, and he was helpful and loving. My belief systems and faith know that he wasn't in his right mind, and he has a sweet spirit about him. And know that only the Lord knows what is in his mind and heart, and he will be judged in the manner of love. Also, that he is being very productive where he is now.

Also, I have faith that life lives on after death and that I will see him again.   

Alfredo,

Thanks for your comment. I didn't realise I don't reply... I thought sometimes I did... I guess it's just I take something from the persons comment but have nothing to say in return... I'm not great at conversations though this medium is much easier because I can read over what I've written and perhaps rephrase things if I think it came out wrong... still probably comes out wrong at times...

I got what you were saying cause I too am an Aussie - no translations necessary for me.

As for sharing more... my thoughts are so complex and intertwining it's difficult. I put points down on paper and feel I am sharing and that I'm making sense but perhaps that is simply because I know all of what was going on behind those thoughts... I'm not sure how to communicate anymore than I am but I'll keep trying. If you ask specific questions I'll be more than happy to at least attempt a response...

Thanks again for your response... I'm trying...