Sharing Mood - Diary Entries

I'm in a sharing mood so I beg your patience (and perhaps forgiveness) for posting up my 2 latest diary entries.

Thursday, 2^nd July 2009 - I think I'm not afraid of people anymore, I'm just... well I'm uncomfortable/fidgety around others cause I'm not used to it/out of practise, plus I don't want anything to do with anyone. I realised a month or so ago now that I don't actually want a relationship - any desires in that regard were wishes that I were normal. But I realised today after being asked over quite a number of times recently how anxious I was around others & the answer is I'm fine. My heart doesn't race, I can breathe okay, my stomach doesn't play up, my head's as clear as my mood for the day allows - I'm not affected by people. And that's the thing, I guess, I don't want anyone in my life cause I don't care - I feel nothing. No fear but no connection/camaraderie/love/etc either. Nothing. I feel nothing.

I think my journey over the last few years where the only progress is in me since to the outside world I do nothing is to learn to let go of what I think is normal & allow myself to be me - instead of trying to decide how I feel, allow myself to react to situations as I naturally do. As I perhaps was always meant to. As a kid I lived in my own bubble but then desired to be like everyone else but that is nothing more than a tiring sham which makes me emotional, not to mention afraid. Time to just be me - whoever I am. No more judgements & restrictions... it's a slow progress but I think it's happening...

Storm

Friday, 3^rd July 2009 - It's not fair - I'm on a high, smiling plenty, feel I have lots of energy (though I had to bypass jogging today cause my ankles are acting up - shooting pain in the left as I ran up the stairs earlier), feeling pretty okay, you know? And then I look into an acting course & immediately I drop - I wanna cry, my chest is thumping at a million miles per minute... this sucks. Anytime I so much as think of doing something outside my normal routine I feel so sick. But clearly I can't just do nothing forever... I hate life. I wish I could die... I know I've stopped writing that so much but its simply cause it is a given. I still feel it all the time - different intensities but always there.... I WANT TO DIE!

Blah. I was having a good day too. Why did I have to ruin it for myself by looking into the future? I know it's all too overwhelming. I know from experience what'll happen but each time I still hope I can handle it this time... maybe I'm just a frigging glutton for punishment... life sucks.

Storm

So there you have it. This is why it is so difficult to deal with me - I'm forever chopping and changing, there is always something wrong, and I hate it all so much! Damn it - look at how I'm writing... so negative! I was in such a good mood today, too. Seriously you should have seen me! But then I have to try and do something with that good mood instead of just enjoying it... sometimes I really hate me... blah. Annoying...