Sharing Mood - Diary Entries

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Fri, July 03, 2009

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I'm in a sharing mood so I beg your patience (and perhaps forgiveness) for posting up my 2 latest diary entries.

Thursday, 2^nd July 2009 - I think I'm not afraid of people anymore, I'm just... well I'm uncomfortable/fidgety around others cause I'm not used to it/out of practise, plus I don't want anything to do with anyone. I realised a month or so ago now that I don't actually want a relationship - any desires in that regard were wishes that I were normal. But I realised today after being asked over quite a number of times recently how anxious I was around others & the answer is I'm fine. My heart doesn't race, I can breathe okay, my stomach doesn't play up, my head's as clear as my mood for the day allows - I'm not affected by people. And that's the thing, I guess, I don't want anyone in my life cause I don't care - I feel nothing. No fear but no connection/camaraderie/love/etc either. Nothing. I feel nothing.

I think my journey over the last few years where the only progress is in me since to the outside world I do nothing is to learn to let go of what I think is normal & allow myself to be me - instead of trying to decide how I feel, allow myself to react to situations as I naturally do. As I perhaps was always meant to. As a kid I lived in my own bubble but then desired to be like everyone else but that is nothing more than a tiring sham which makes me emotional, not to mention afraid. Time to just be me - whoever I am. No more judgements & restrictions... it's a slow progress but I think it's happening...

Storm

Friday, 3^rd July 2009 - It's not fair - I'm on a high, smiling plenty, feel I have lots of energy (though I had to bypass jogging today cause my ankles are acting up - shooting pain in the left as I ran up the stairs earlier), feeling pretty okay, you know? And then I look into an acting course & immediately I drop - I wanna cry, my chest is thumping at a million miles per minute... this sucks. Anytime I so much as think of doing something outside my normal routine I feel so sick. But clearly I can't just do nothing forever... I hate life. I wish I could die... I know I've stopped writing that so much but its simply cause it is a given. I still feel it all the time - different intensities but always there.... I WANT TO DIE!

Blah. I was having a good day too. Why did I have to ruin it for myself by looking into the future? I know it's all too overwhelming. I know from experience what'll happen but each time I still hope I can handle it this time... maybe I'm just a frigging glutton for punishment... life sucks.

Storm

So there you have it. This is why it is so difficult to deal with me - I'm forever chopping and changing, there is always something wrong, and I hate it all so much! Damn it - look at how I'm writing... so negative! I was in such a good mood today, too. Seriously you should have seen me! But then I have to try and do something with that good mood instead of just enjoying it... sometimes I really hate me... blah. Annoying...

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Merely Me

7/ 3/09 9:55am

Hi Lyra

Well you sure do say a lot with your diary entries.

It seems you have some moments where you are feeling good. Is it usually the case where thinking or doing something towards your future will bring negative feelings?

I am wondering which is worse for you...the anxiety or the depression? Which seems to come first?

Are you afraid to fail? Afraid of being judged? What is the source of your fear?

I think you are too hard on yourself when the bad feelings come. It is okay to feel trepidation about these things. And change can be scary.

Seems like you have identified two areas of anxiety for you...social connection and planning for your future. What are your worst fears?

Hope this is okay to comment in this way. I see you working very hard to overcome your challenges. It never happens in one day or even in one year. It takes much time to heal and grow.

Keep writing...I think you are discovering many things about yourself.

LyraStorm

7/ 4/09 1:28am

Thank you for your feedback and kind words, I appreciate it.

I'm not sure I ever really feel good as such, just a little bit better - it's a bit easier to function, especially considering where I've just been (I recently had another really terrible dip so compared to that I'm feeling fantastic but compared to how I'd like to feel...). Yes you are right, though, that when I seriously consider trying to forge something to do with my future I end up having a dip (I can, and do, have dips anyway but I can trigger one by stressing myself out like that). I get frustrated because it's really hard to take steps forward when just thinking about it drains me of all of the energy I somehow managed to scrape up. It's like I'm stuck in a rut and everyone in my life thinks that if I try harder I could get past it but I'm actually giving a hundred and ten percent the whole time I'm just so sick and tired it doesn't seem like I'm doing anything at all...

As for what comes first the anxiety or depression... I'm always depressed. Like I said I never feel good as in 'better' just a little better than I was and so I appreciate that and try to enjoy the little bits of energy that aren't quite what I need but it's better than nothing. However having said that the anxiety does make my depression worse so if I'm anxious about something than I know the depression is going to go into overdrive. They are two separate entities that combine and make me feel ten times worse than if I had just one or the other. Sometimes they act independently (I've been depressed without being anxious and on very odd occassions anxious without being overly depressed) but it's together that they're overwhelming - unfortunately it's impossible to untangle them - if only I could deal with one and then the other, it would make it so much easier (not easy but easier which is what I've found myself hoping for over the last few years - not to get better as such but to feel at least a little better than I have been: better enough to function at a level I can live with).

I guess I was just whinging about the usual circle I find myself in. I fight or at least weather through a dip, get a bit more energy, try to do something with it only to trigger another dip before another one is due so to speak... on occasion I don't try to fix my life or look into the future and then the gaps between dips is longer... not that I'm actually in a full on dip right now, I just ruined an okay mood... a mood I'd call good but it's not like I'm happy really just... not so bad... I think I've shaken it off a bit again though... I'm tempted to look into drama courses again but it's like 'come on, girl, remember last time!' Oh well.... thems the breaks, huh? I guess I'll get there sometime... it's like that song I sometimes relate to (whenever I'm not feeling to emotional or frustrated): 'I need something' by Newton Faulkner:

'I need something to believe in because I don't believe in myself. And I'm sick and tired of getting nowhere. I guess it'll all work out.

And I don't mind anymore. I don't mind anymore.

And I need someone to put my trust in because I ain't trusting myself. I'm scared of failure, so scared of success. I guess it'll all work out.

And I don't mind anymore. I don't mind anymore'

LyraStorm

7/ 4/09 1:32am

Oh and I forgot to say I fear being judged AND I fear failing. I don't like people looking at me and coming up short (even worse if I hurt someone)... I guess that is why I put on an act for so many years: if someone judged the act as bad I could change the act but if someone judges me as bad.... that's harder... that's more personal... that hurts. And failing hurts cause I like being right and I like achieving things and I'm afraid of getting something that I could lose. In a way it's better to stay as I am: if I have nothing I have nothing to lose. But I hate being this way because I'm unfulfilled - I like achieving things (feel worthless when I don't which is why I've learnt practises like appreciating getting up each day and maybe completing a housechore or completing a puzzle or doing some writing or managing a twenty minute to half hour jog). It's the whole line of 'scared of failure, so scared of success'... success means more to lose but staying here means I'm already a failure and a reminder of what I already lost... I'm not sure I can stand falling again (I barely managed to pick up the pieces this time how can I do it a second time)....

Anonymous

7/ 3/09 2:37pm

Dear LyraStorm,

I could be wrong but I sense that you have lost trust for people. It is true that it is hard to find genuine people who are willing to be honest with us and help us and listen to what we have to say. But we need to open up as well and this means taking risks. This website is a good way to start and there are some very nice people here who have experience and who can help you in ways that you do not think or know about now.

I have noticed that you do not reply to people's comments. I think that it is important to reply and to start a communication with people. Do not be afraid no one knows who you are here. We only know LyraStorm who writes to us via digital signals. So open up and be clear what exactly is bugging you? (this is an Australian term that means what is upsetting you?). If you tell me I may be able to give you some good advice. Think of me and other members here as email friend who suffer like you and who have probably felt what you are now going through. Speak up and try to be more open if you can.

Have you considered the possibility that you have all of the ingredients to have a wonderful life? We only are given one life and a short one so we may as well go for the ride. Open up and speak to us clearly and directly you will benefit much from this exercise. It may be painful to start but it is like a pressure valve that lets out steam. You need to let some steam out and you will feel better even if you cry at first or feel like the world is coming down on you you will feel better. Trust me I know.

Alfredo (this is my real name)

depression/c/913903

7/ 3/09 5:28pm

HI Lyra,

I have gone through the same feelings. After a tragedy had happened to my son, I shut down. It was so much effort to get dressed and meet people or even talk to people. Which I am a gabber and outgoing, but that was gone, that part of me was changed. It was a frustration to my other children and husband. It just became worse as they would pressure me.

Then friends really didn't know what to say to me, they don't understand being a survivor of suicide. I didn't mind talking about my son, but they were probably afraid to. Relatives were not close by and they went on with their lives, some would send a note on his "Angel Date". Which I appreciated very much.

I'm glad that you are on this website and writing, as it is so painful for the ones that you leave behind. You are aware enough and capable of asking for help, so I think there is a desire in you to really connect and not die.

I would spend my days and sometimes now, just stay in bed, or head out to my garden and stay out there all day in my pj's. I wasn't expecting any company and to get dressed took a lot of mental energy and anxiety. But gardening was my therapy because the inside of my house was depressing and I didn't know where to begin to fix it up. I would feel anxiety due to negative feelings from my husband and 18 year old son. The rest of my children have left home but are close by.

I was too down and out to have a discussion with them as I couldn't bear anymore pain. I also wouldn't put make up on or do my hair. So contrary to the way I use to be,

Part of it is just getting older and having more pain from physical activity. I also suffered from Carpal Tunnel Syndrome which comes from stress, physical stress and emotional. I have since 2007 and 2008 have that taken care of and that has really made a change. My hands aren't totally pain free, they do get better and better when I use them and not overdo.

I would want changes so bad that I would wear myself out. Neglecting my own self and my family. Just my husband who works at night and sleeps during the day. And DS has a girlfriend now and work, so I don't see him much either.

So I get you, and when I talked to my therapist the other day, after intensive counseling with hubby a few times, he asked about having friends come over to entertain as a goal together. I told him that I'm just not ready for friends and don't really have any true friends that I know of. We all have busy lives and different lifestyles. I still socialize with neighbors and some church members, etc.

I just don't make an effort because it would take too much out of me. The therapist said, to just leave that alone and not worry about it. DH and me had enough on our plate to get our marriage back in shape. We were like ships passing through the night.

So I'm with the others, keep writing, and try to do something that you enjoy without any guilt of having to be what someone else wants you to be.

LyraStorm

7/ 4/09 1:38am

Alfredo,

Thanks for your comment. I didn't realise I don't reply... I thought sometimes I did... I guess it's just I take something from the persons comment but have nothing to say in return... I'm not great at conversations though this medium is much easier because I can read over what I've written and perhaps rephrase things if I think it came out wrong... still probably comes out wrong at times...

I got what you were saying cause I too am an Aussie - no translations necessary for me.

As for sharing more... my thoughts are so complex and intertwining it's difficult. I put points down on paper and feel I am sharing and that I'm making sense but perhaps that is simply because I know all of what was going on behind those thoughts... I'm not sure how to communicate anymore than I am but I'll keep trying. If you ask specific questions I'll be more than happy to at least attempt a response...

Thanks again for your response... I'm trying...

LyraStorm

7/ 4/09 1:46am

Thank you for your comment - it is tough losing someone you love, that is for sure. I lost a friend but couldn't imagine losing a child. It's a pity those in your life could not be more supportive but I guess they were all trying to deal with it too in their own ways. That's the tough thing, isn't it? It's like it would be so much easier if life could stop and we could all help someone with their issue then we move on and help the next with theirs without other things in life compounding it and adding to our own stress levels and making us less sympathetic than we should be... or that's how I feel sometimes: if only life didn't get in the way people might help out more but they have their own shit to deal with so they don't have the energy or patience...

I'm glad you've found your gardening - I write and go for walks (preferably bushwalks) and jogs and watch movies/TV shows, oh and do puzzles... I've found a few things to help pull me through it's just I want to get on with life too, earn my own way, be independent... right now I manage to get through each day but I'm not really functioning as I should (no work, living at my parents place instead of being independent, etc) and that's frustrating. I mean I can hardly just stay doing what I'm doing forever but I'm barely managing to get by as I am with the coping mechanisms I've taught myself... it's so difficult... everyone says I have my whole life ahead of me (I'm 23) but it's depressing to consider cause I can barely deal with the here and now and I'm not doing what I feel I should/what I want - I want to accomplish something (as any person does) and be independent but I struggle with just being dependent (on government disability pension and parents generosity).... it's hard but I guess I'll continue fighting because there is little other choice (I've seen the pain committing suicide does to a family - the pain you unfortunately know: I'm so sorry for that).

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