I don't want to be here, at home I mean

I never thought the day would come when I would dread coming home. It came. I am home, otherwise I wouldn't be on the internet, but I would rather be anywhere else. How odd it is to hear me say that. Normally I'm a recluse - home means shutting myself away in my room, my safe place. But now home means the place where Mum is - and Mum isn't the person I want to be around right now.

You see Mum has had a breakdown of sorts and I want to sympathise, I should empathise I've been depressed for years, it's just... well she's acting so childishly. All the things I've fought so hard against myself she doesn't even bother trying to control. She throws tantrums, whenever anything doesn't go her way she shouts 'like I fucking care', she takes her shit out on everyone else (including my younger brother who I'm very protective of), she drinks alcohol even though she is on valium and when I say she'll regret it tomorrow she snaps back at me 'I don't want tomorrow to come'. Well gee thanks Mum I've wanted to die a lot, I've felt like saying that myself a million times but I've spared you, unless I lost control in the middle of an argument which we most certainly were not having. She even went off running down the road last night, all suicidal apparently, and Dad had to go and get her - I don't want to even try to imagine the scene that must have gone on when Dad tried to get her to return home (I mean she's divorcing this guy - she's not going to really listen to him is she?). She's being a right little princess treating Dad like dirt and when he does things for her she sits there like she expects to be treated that way not saying thanks or even smiling in gratitude or anything. Do you think I'd get in trouble if I tried to slap her out of it?

Now I know I've been depressed for years and I'm not the easiest person to live with but I'm pretty goddamn certain I don't act like that.... I know I should be more patient but she's everything that gives depressed people a bad name, everything I have fought hard not to be.... argh! I want to be anywhere but here...

I've never been one to lean on anyone but right now I wish for all the world that I had a boyfriend. How great would it be if I could just go around his house and lie in his arms tonight and feel safe and protected, away from all the shit? Don't I live in a fantasy world....