I've had enough

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Sun, October 04, 2009

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I had a big argument with my Mum Saturday night cause I got sick of her treating Dad like dirt. She ended up saying that I've thrown my shit on everyone for years (apparently she is entitled to) - I don't think that is true. I shut myself away so I don't pile it on everyone else... I hope it's not true... It hurt real bad so I disappeared Sunday - just went out without telling them where saying I wouldn't be home for dinner, didn't return till about midnight. I feel that if I'm so horrible to be around I should just vanish...

This might be too much information but I also lost my virginity yesterday. A male friend helped me out... I didn't feel much. I think I disconnected. Nerves and all that. Some might think I shouldn't have - he didn't want anything from me but sex, but I don't feel I can connect with anyone anyway to have an actual relationship.

I'm just so sick of my life being screwed up. I have no life. I want to experience things others have - but even when I am doing it I don't feel... it sucks.

I've so had enough. Of everything. I feel so nauseous, especially whenever I try to eat. I've had enough...

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Judy

10/ 4/09 11:43pm

Lyra, sorry to hear you sound so down. I can understand, though, why you're feeling so badly - you've internalized what you've heard your mother say about you, even though you know it isn't true. Then you turn her anger at you into your own anger at yourself. Wanting to vanish is anger and self-hatred, that's probably why you decided to lose your virginity to someone you don't have a relationship with. I hope you'll take a moment and think about all the good things you've done, how you've helped people on this site and have worked so hard to help yourself. Don't remember if you have a therapist or not, but sounds like it would be a good idea to see one, talk some of this stuff out. I am saying a prayer for you, that you will soon get past this because you know you are worth it, you are a good person. Let me know how you're doing.

fifi

10/ 5/09 12:59am

Lyra,

sorry your having a tough time, I hope things get better quickly for you. You seem such a lovely person. Always there for us on this site. People can say such nasty things when their angry. It's not untill they calm down that they realise what upset the've caused. we've all done it I'm sure. Take care of yourself Lyra.

psychoward1

10/ 5/09 2:28am

Therapy can help you. It is one of the best known ways to help yourself stay level. Just having someone to talk to, someone to help guide you thru these tough times. Its time for a change, its time to awaken yourself to the positive things in the universe. Having sex like you did was just a form of self hurt. You are better than that Lyra. Find some therapy and stick with it. Now is the time and you can do it.

Pat

Smomdukes

10/ 5/09 11:04am

Hi Lyra, This is smomdukes, I think that I am older than you and you are probably the age of my daugthers right. OK, now sit down, are you sitting, now breath, ok now do it again.... that is better. I sense frustration, and that in itself can make everybody a little bit crazy, say things that they really do not mean. So you had sex and lost your virginity, to someone that was not a special person, well it will be all right, be real careful with the sex thing, there are too many dieases out there that a single shot cannot fix, so let's don't do that again. We do not want any babies, that is 18 years of another thingie, that you are not ready for. You are just going through a bad time, "and this too shall pass' Lyra it will be OK, I am not a doctor or any of those things, I am just a plain jane, take care, I hope you feel better. You may want to talk to someone like the others said, it would help a lot, continue to write here, and keep your friends here updated. I will try to keep you smiling, because that is what I do. sherry/smomdukes

Hypno

10/ 5/09 5:24pm

Hi Lyra,

Once when I was feeling very withdrawn and down I felt that I wanted to feel alive...yes alive...and I thought having the most wonderful orgasm would do the trick...and bring me out of the suicidal blues. I too chose a friend to sleep with (although I wasn't a virgin at the time). Unfortunately it was a bit of a disaster as because I was so down at the time I couldn't reach a climax...what helped though was the knowledge that I now had something I could open up a discussion with a therapist about...why was I acting so bizarrely...anyway I was then able to open up a whole lot more and before you knew it I was feeling more relaxed, less depressed, had hope again and could connect with people once more. Anyway, please do talk through your issues however small and follow where they lead to as you identify and then release all the anger, hurt, guilt, fear and step by step regain a more positive outlook on life , connectivity and good sex!

Hypno

moonflowers

10/ 5/09 8:54pm

I know it's hard when a parent says something to hurt our feelings. And like becuase the comment came from them, it stings more tham normal. Your mom really does love you, she's just in her own world right now. There isn't any exscuse for her acting the way she is right now, she is the parent and should be acting like it. But it sounds like something has happend to her to really effect the way she is feeling and thinking. If she normally didn't behave in this manner, maybe she is just being defensive and trying to hide her pain.....I don't know. Sounds like she really needs some help.

moonflowers

10/ 5/09 9:00pm

Forgot to add another comment. Please, please, please be careful with the whole sex issue. Even waring a condom is dangerous.....they brake. The diseases out can kill you, or mess you up for the rest of your life. And the other really big issue is babies. I know because my son came to the world when I was 15. I'm sure from being a young mother and the stress has contributed to a lot of my depression. Not trying to nag at you, you just sound like an intelegant person.....I don't want you to add to all the other problems. Keep talking, keep letting it out.

rose martin

10/ 6/09 4:10pm

Hi, homelife doesnt sound a very healing place to be right now. You are stuck in the middle of a horrible situation. Your mother is grieving for a man that maybe she knew all along had nothing to offer her except promises to leave his wife? Now shes hurt, and acutely embarrassed and I'd say feels used and abused and her Ego took a knock. She would seem to be acting out in a childlike fashion but your poor Dad is under the illusion that ignoring bad treatment will make things go away so hes enabling her. You cant take that whole Toxic situation on. Its sad for both your parents in their own way. Your mother was searching for love and Romance, your father is afraid that if he stands up to her - he'll lose her, how wrong !! Youre stuck in the middle, feeling sorry for your Dad and angry but have no control over what you mother says. It may be the only thing for your sanity right now, to turn a deaf ear to your mother. I agree that you took out Anger and Sadness on yourself. I think youre worth alot more than a 1 night stand. You need to speak to a prof. about whats going on in the house as its not doing you any good. Its heartbreaking seeing your Dad do his best to be a 'good caring husband '.. So many issues here. I can idenify with what you did, going out, acting out your anger and hurting yourself in a way, but like I say, for your sanity youre g oing to have to detach from your parents and try to let them sort it out. The best thing is to sabotage your mothers attempts to annoy you or pull you into a row , just say 'I know youre not yourself at the moment' and move away. Best of luck, its a horrible situation. Fast Sex wont cure it. Love Rose

I've had enough

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