How do you deal with guilt?

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Sun, October 18, 2009

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Sunday, 18^th October 2009 - Last night, or in the early hours of this morning (before I went to sleep), I fell apart crying. One of those complete, all consuming crying fits that leaves you with puffy eyes, spots of blood vessels, in the morning. It just sort of hit me what Mum said before & hurt so bad. I suddenly had no defence against it. Just the idea that I put my shit on others... These past 3yrs have been difficult enough, not being able to work, feeling worthless/useless in that sense, but to think I've unloaded my shit on others... I can't bare the thought. I hide away; I do my best to avoid it. Okay me shutting off isn't ideal but it's better than putting my shit on others & Mum said I do & it hurts. I feel like I'm going to break down crying again now just thinking about it. I don't want to hurt anyone. I know pain - to think I could put any of that on another... that's why I suck at asking for help - I'd rather deal with a world full of shit than make another deal with even a fraction of it even if it could ease my load - I guess that's the point: it couldn't ease my load cause I'd feel guilty & I hate hurting others.

It hurts so bad the idea of fucking up others. I didn't mean to. I swear. I did everything I could not to do that.

It hurts. It hurts so bad... I don't want to hurt anyone...

Storm

Does anyone else feel guilty? I guess so... how do people cope with that? How do you ease the guilt? How do you stop it hurting? How do you stop crying? I disconnected but now I'm back and it hurts so bad... any suggestions anyone?

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Merely Me

10/18/09 2:31pm

Hey Lyra!

I am really glad to see you here again...you were very missed.

so your mom said that "you put your shit onto others"? is this the gist of it? Well I don't know your mom but she might be operating from a different perspective where maybe she is projecting her own guilt onto you. Just my guess.

Everyone has problems and issues. And everyone needs help from time to time. There is no shame in this. It is called being human. Depression is hard to deal with not only for the person experiencing it but also for friends and loved ones. Sometimes they don't know what to do. Sometimes they are depressed themselves. Sometimes they blame themselves for our depression.

It is just hard on everyone.

But guilt doesn't help. I think a fair assessment of the situation does. Perhaps your mom is feeling overwhelmed. Maybe she has her own baggage and troubles to deal with and she doesn't quite know how to help you right now. Again...I don't know your situation or your mom so this is all guessing on my part.

As hard as it is...I would not take your mother message personally but rather interpret it as...she doesn't know what to do.

This does leave you in a predicament of finding support for yourself. Who are your supports? You will need to find people you can rely upon so that you can help yourself.

Don't feel guilty...don't give up on reaching out. Your depression is not your fault but how you react...how you deal with things...this is all up to you.

I do hope things will get better for you Lyra. Lean on us...we are here for you.

Judy

10/18/09 4:20pm

Lyra, I agree with Merely Me. Hanging onto guilt only saps you of energy you could be using elsewhere. You are only guilty of being yourself and your mother may have said what she did out of anger, knowing how it would affect you, and maybe just being frustrated at the moment. Does she know how much that hurt you? That's proof right there that you didn't intend to be a "burden" to her. Maybe what you feel is not guilt, but shame over needing anything and she reminded you of times when you have been needing things. But it's okay to need things from people, all of us do. We want to be tough and strong, but we aren't super-human. We're all interdependent on each other to some degree, that's just the way it is.

I hope you're feeling better. I think you're an honest person who really cares about other people, so I hope you'll try to take that in.

Hypno

10/19/09 8:15am

I'm going to say something provocative....provocative in order for you to take ACTION.... I agree with what the others have been saying above. I admire your courage, I admire the way you do not want to affect others around you...GUESS WHAT...the last point is probably impossible as we all interact with one another triggering one another's emotional trigger points. Your mother feels bad cause an emotional trigger point has been reached...you feel bad because an emotional trigger point as been reached. Want to get rid of guilt? Then don't regret your actions just your reactions .... guilt is linked to shame and is in the present...TURN IT INTO REGRET THAT IS IN THE PAST, GONE, OVER WITH...NOW IT's TIME TO MOVE ON TO LIVE YOUR LIFE WITH SELF-PRIDE, SELF-DETERMINATION. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN HAPPINESS (you can still ask for support from others just make it clear to them when you are offloading and when you need them to do something for you...be specific...they don't have ESP!)...TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE...grab it and fill it with ENTHUSIASM,CREATIVITY,and DISCOVERY. IMAGINE YOUR LIFE HOW IT WILL BE....WHAT YOU WILL DO .... HOW YOU WILL DO THINGS that are FULFILLING and POSITIVE and ENJOYABLE...IMAGINE HOW THIS WOMAN DEALS WITH LIFE CHALLENGES... HOW SHE CONSIDERS THEM AS OPPORTUNITIS FOR SELF-DISCOVERY AND LEARNING and then STEP INTO THIS PERSON.... BECOME THIS WOMAN OF ACTION NOW. Enjoy the journey. Hpno

Inthedark

10/19/09 8:48pm

Guilt what a dirty word it causes so many negative situations .I understand not wanting to unload but it is important to let those who you love into your world and let them know what is going on .The trick is to balance the moments that you divulge and not make it a constant topic of conversation but it is so important to let it out and many want to hear it.

Hypno

10/20/09 2:48am

Let's turn this thing around shall we?

Try and imagine yourself being and living as the strong woman you really are inside and how you would behave with confidence and self-assurance in the face of challenges.

If you concentrate on not behavng as you are currently doing you will continue to act in the same way....so turn your imagination round to a positve frame of mind ... and imagine yourself to be the confident individual...and then you will start to behave like one now.

It's the same principle of "I don't want you to think of pink elephants" You will immediately think of a pink elephant in order to then not see it and the more you try not to think about them the more you will think about them.

Instead, think about the positive and you will act and attract more positivism in your life. Think about something you would like to achieve and commito doing ONE small step towards this goal every day.

Hypno

LyraStorm

10/21/09 5:15am

Thanks for the advice - it's a good technique to utilise... I kind of think I do in a way because I escape into an idea of what I want in the future when I don't like the here and now and whenever I can I try to work towards that end... maybe I could do it more? Or act on it more? Possibly...

Hypno

10/22/09 7:54pm

Lyrastorm,

From your response ...perhaps a good time to act is now.

Kindest Regards.

Hypno

fifi

10/20/09 12:14pm

Hi Lyra

Have you told your mum how much her comments hurt you. She might need to know as sometimes people say things and dont realise how hurtful they are until someone points it out to them. I've said things to my daughter that she has sometimes taken a different way and she tells me now and I'm glad she does as I wouldn't want to hurt her. Maybe your mum needs to be told too.

LyraStorm

10/21/09 2:37am

What you say makes sense but to be honest I'm tired of fighting. I feel like I've never belonged in my family and this most recent uproar only proves that. I have difficulty connecting to anyone, and often felt guilty of my lack of ability, concerned that others cared for me when I did not really care for them (beyond logically I have a role to play in their life and wouldn't want to hurt them). In a way I feel freed from that guilt believing that my parents do not care for me. They have proven many times that they don't know me - I simply play a role. It is built in my family that you're meant to love family even if you hate the person - it's all about playing a role.

Maybe I should tell my Mum but... I'm sick of explaining things and I'm sick of working hard at relationships that only seem to hurt me and I'm sick of trying to bridge the gap of distance I feel between myself and everyone. The pain that I wrote about in my post is gone. I think I will let things be as they are. Thanks for your advice though, it does make sense and I appreciate it.

LyraStorm

10/21/09 5:14am

Sorry about that - it sounded so childish! You're right - I should talk to Mum, I doubt very much she has any idea of what she said or how it impacted me, I just don't want to. That's the truth of the matter... maybe I will in time. I don't know. I just know that right now I'm sick of dealing with that relationship so I'm out... I probably sound terrible... maybe I am... I don't know. That's just how I feel.

Hypno

10/21/09 6:58am

Hi Lyrastorm,

Listening to you talk here suggests to me that you are wantingtocreatesomespacerightnow...some separation from your mother ...to gain some independence. You don't have to hat people to have time out from them. Hatin things they do, or how they behave does not mean that you hate them ... only that their actions or behaviours are triggering a hate response in you right now. You can control your eotonal response by reflecting on why their actions are triggering this response and seeing if there are any irrational or self-limiting beliefs that are causing you to react in this way to them...this then gives rise to you being able to change your response.

fifi

10/22/09 6:05am

Hia Lyra

Sorry I couldn't get back to you, my blinking computer wouldn't work for a couple of days. I hope your feeling a bit better now. Relatives can be a bloody nuisance sometimes. I know what you mean about the guilt though. My mother abandoned us when I was thirteen and didn't try to stay in contact at all. I tried so many times without any luck. In the end I just got on with my life without a mum. I had to and to be honest I think I'm better off. She does ring me occasionally, like twice a year if I'm lucky, for years I thought it was my fault and blamed myself a lot, but I dont anymore. Guilt is useless and just drags you down. Maybe you need space like hypno says. It does me good just to distance myself from all the stress and you can gather your thoughts then. I hope everything works out for you Lyra. Take care. I'll be thinking of you.

Hypno

10/22/09 7:50pm

She probably doesn't....the ball is in your court

How do you deal with guilt?

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