Sunday, 18th October 2009 - Last night, or in the early hours of this morning (before I went to sleep), I fell apart crying. One of those complete, all consuming crying fits that leaves you with puffy eyes, spots of blood vessels, in the morning. It just sort of hit me what Mum said before & hurt so bad. I suddenly had no defence against it. Just the idea that I put my shit on others... These past 3yrs have been difficult enough, not being able to work, feeling worthless/useless in that sense, but to think I've unloaded my shit on others... I can't bare the thought. I hide away; I do my best to avoid it. Okay me shutting off isn't ideal but it's better than putting my shit on others & Mum said I do & it hurts. I feel like I'm going to break down crying again now just thinking about it. I don't want to hurt anyone. I know pain - to think I could put any of that on another... that's why I suck at asking for help - I'd rather deal with a world full of shit than make another deal with even a fraction of it even if it could ease my load - I guess that's the point: it couldn't ease my load cause I'd feel guilty & I hate hurting others.
It hurts so bad the idea of fucking up others. I didn't mean to. I swear. I did everything I could not to do that.
It hurts. It hurts so bad... I don't want to hurt anyone...
Storm
Does anyone else feel guilty? I guess so... how do people cope with that? How do you ease the guilt? How do you stop it hurting? How do you stop crying? I disconnected but now I'm back and it hurts so bad... any suggestions anyone?
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