I'm back

Hi all, thanks for your kind words about my trip (and sorry Paul for not taking your hint and writing whilst I was away)... the trip was good... or should have been. Logically it was everything I would want it to be but unfortunately I just felt so depressed I was disconnected and felt pretty horrible throughout. It might have had a little to do with jetlag and the food (the stuff I could find of American food, what I ate, was very fatty and heavy so I didn't eat much and didn't like what I had... but I am a plain jane so maybe when I was being picky I picked the wrong stuff... I did find some fruit to break that up... oh and the icecream in LA was fantastic) and also my menstrual cycle started early (just before I took the plane ride back) so that probably all screwed with me a bit... but I was quite depressed in and of itself.

It doesn't seem fair to me. I wish I could have taken a holiday from the depression. When you're doing something that you know logically you should enjoy but you find yourself locking yourself away to have a cry and feeling anxious and horrible the whole time... it's not fair. Its one thing to feel bad when bad stuff is happening, and it's pretty awful to feel bad during everyday stuff when you should just feel normal, but when you know you should be having a good time but you feel like you're being forced to do something awful... that's the worst, don't you think?

Still I got to see a tour around LA and went to Universal Studios and got to see a lot of the actors I respect and admire from both Farscape and Stargate cause though I was at the Farscape convention the Stargate one was in the same place, in a room just across from the Farscape room and I had a gold pass so I could go into both and listen to all the stars do their Q&As plus get their autographs. So it was all good. Logically I know it was everything I would want it to be - complete with my fav actor Ben Browder sitting right next to me at the Breakfast that I paid to go to where he and a couple of other actors went around the tables saying hi, he then put his hand on my shoulder as he stood there saying goodbye to my table, and he had his arm around me and mine around his in a photo op, plus I got his autograph and he is the type of person that makes me go giddy (I'm an actor myself so generally I can talk to other actors, no matter how famous they are, cause I know they are just people but Ben has this presence that makes me go all silly)... so all of that should have been brilliant... I just wish I hadn't been so depressed and feeling so awful. I wish I could have felt it like I know I should have. Like I wanted to feel. Like I would have had if I wasn't ill... Life's not fair, is it???

I guess all I can do is hope that in time with experiences like that in my life the good will override the bad and eventually I'll be able to feel those positive emotions like fun and happiness when I'm meant to... Depression sucks... still I keep running over what happened in my head and I try to take the good out of/enjoy it...