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By LyraStorm Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Hi all, thanks for your kind words about my trip (and sorry Paul for not taking your hint and writing whilst I was away)... the trip was good... or should have been. Logically it was everything I would want it to be but unfortunately I just felt so depressed I was disconnected and felt pretty horrible throughout. It might have had a little to do with jetlag and the food (the stuff I could find of American food, what I ate, was very fatty and heavy so I didn't eat much and didn't like what I had... but I am a plain jane so maybe when I was being picky I picked the wrong stuff... I did find some fruit to break that up... oh and the icecream in LA was fantastic) and also my menstrual cycle started early (just before I took the plane ride back) so that probably all screwed with me a bit... but I was quite depressed in and of itself.

 

It doesn't seem fair to me. I wish I could have taken a holiday from the depression. When you're doing something that you know logically you should enjoy but you find yourself locking yourself away to have a cry and feeling anxious and horrible the whole time... it's not fair. Its one thing to feel bad when bad stuff is happening, and it's pretty awful to feel bad during everyday stuff when you should just feel normal, but when you know you should be having a good time but you feel like you're being forced to do something awful... that's the worst, don't you think?

 

Still I got to see a tour around LA and went to Universal Studios and got to see a lot of the actors I respect and admire from both Farscape and Stargate cause though I was at the Farscape convention the Stargate one was in the same place, in a room just across from the Farscape room and I had a gold pass so I could go into both and listen to all the stars do their Q&As plus get their autographs. So it was all good. Logically I know it was everything I would want it to be - complete with my fav actor Ben Browder sitting right next to me at the Breakfast that I paid to go to where he and a couple of other actors went around the tables saying hi, he then put his hand on my shoulder as he stood there saying goodbye to my table, and he had his arm around me and mine around his in a photo op, plus I got his autograph and he is the type of person that makes me go giddy (I'm an actor myself so generally I can talk to other actors, no matter how famous they are, cause I know they are just people but Ben has this presence that makes me go all silly)... so all of that should have been brilliant... I just wish I hadn't been so depressed and feeling so awful. I wish I could have felt it like I know I should have. Like I wanted to feel. Like I would have had if I wasn't ill... Life's not fair, is it???

 

I guess all I can do is hope that in time with experiences like that in my life the good will override the bad and eventually I'll be able to feel those positive emotions like fun and happiness when I'm meant to... Depression sucks... still I keep running over what happened in my head and I try to take the good out of/enjoy it...

Picture from my trip
Merely Me, Health Guide
11/11/09 9:17pm

Hey Miss Lyra!

 

We were missing you here but hoping that you were having a good time despite your anxiety and depression.  How was the plane rides...did you do okay with the travel part?

 

I am glad you met one of your favorite actors...don't suppose you would share any photos?  Smile

 

I know how it can be when you are depressed and doing fun things but it feels surreal and maybe like your body is disconnected from your brain.  Sometimes when this happens I re-live the moments in memories when I can truly process what has happened and enjoy it more after the fact...if that makes sense.

 

At any rate I think you should feel proud of yourself for making this big trip.  Do you feel glad to be home?

 

Welcome back Lyra!

11/12/09 11:32pm

The plane trips were okay... well I say that but on the flight there the sound for the movies wasn't working, nor was the overhead lights so for several hours right in the middle of the thirteen hour flight I could only sit in darkness trying to sleep, which I couldn't... not so fun... but it all ran smoothly enough that I wasn't stressed so they were okay in that way.

 

I'll try to post up a photo of myself, Ben and Claudia a little later... I've never been great at getting my computer to work like that but I'll give it a shot.

 

Thanks for welcoming me back - it's nice to feel wanted somewhere Smile

11/11/09 9:50pm

Hey! Welcome home, Storm! I kind of thought you'd have other things to do once you and the plane touched down other than write an hour by hour account. No wonder. You were mixing it up with stardom.

Someone famous said normal is so overrated and I say indefinable, but we'd all like to know if it truly is overrated on our own. Someday you will  know. Depression runs according to an unpublished schedule and doesn't ask us if we're busy first, being a rather rude sort. It sounds like you achieved your main goals and had some fun doing it.

 

You'd expect better food on those planes and you didn't name what you had, so that's worrisome if they didn't tell you what it was. Or is it that they told you, but it didn't taste anything like what you remembered?

11/12/09 11:46pm

Hi Paul, I kind of wish I had done an hour by hour account cause my memory isn't the best. Still, I have photos and other fans have posted bits and pieces up on the internet that help trigger my memory Smile

 

The plane food was pretty bad - I usually just pick at it. I've flown plenty of times so I'm used to it. I just thought perhaps American food would be nicer... but then like I said it might just have been me trying to be picky and my limited options being a tourist.

11/12/09 8:07am

Hi Lyra Storm,

I know exactly how you feel.  It feels like you are damned if you do and damned if you don't.   Myself, I get depressed when I sitting at home with my husband, bored to death watching tv.  So I make it a point to go do something like going to see my mom or something and then I cry all the way home. I can't figure it out. 

 

There are alot of people here at work that love Stargate. I myself have never watched it.  Hang in there Lyra, we will find the answer someday.

11/12/09 11:49pm

Yeah it doesn't seem fair, does it? You try to go out and about so you're not brooding on your problems and unfortunately the depression just follows you sapping any joy out of the situation making you want to just shut away again... a bit of a loop...

 

You should try watching Stargate, and Farscape, they're great for escaping your own headspace (and thus the loop), if only for an hour or so. Smile But then that might just be my biased opinion cause as you can see I'm quite a fan.

11/12/09 9:39am

Hi Lyra

 

 

Nice to have you back again! Sounds like a good trip.......depression and anxiety is a nuisance and does get in the way sometimes of enjoying yourself fully.....but at least you did it and got to see all those actors.....Lucky you!

11/12/09 11:50pm

Hi Fifi, thanks for the welcome back. Yeah it was good to see those actors and to have the experience, I just wish I had been able to appreciate it properly - if I was feeling better I would have had so much more fun.. but I guess that's just life. No point really whinging about it, I know, but it's good to get things off our chests once and a while.

11/13/09 4:43pm

Hi Lyra, welcome back we missed ya. I'm sorry you didn't have as much fun as you could've had , depression sucks, thats for sure. I think you are very brave to fly that far, I'm terrified of flying , I don't think I could make it 13 hrs. without being sedated LOL. Did you go all by yourself? Well I hope that maybe you're feeling better by now. Well that's about all I have for now, keep your chin up. Sioux.

11/13/09 7:43pm

Hi Sioux,

Yeah I went alone. I actually like travelling alone, being alone in general. I'm not the most sociable person so whenever I socialise I always need my own space at some point in the day to get away from everyone and be alone for a while to 'recover'. Travelling alone feels less stressful to me because I don't have to deal with other people's anxieties or feel the need to have to talk to someone when all I want to do is escape into my head. Wink

 

I think I am feeling a bit better now. My diet when in America didn't really help, I don't think. Since I've been back I've eaten a lot healthier and that has helped - plus it was like the flight to America put jetlag on and the flight back to Australia took it back off, lol. So I'm just a little tired now and am trying to remember what happened so I can relieve it without anxiety...

 

Thanks for the welcome back

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By LyraStorm— Last Modified: 11/08/10, First Published: 11/11/09