Not like it was

Hello, I'm new to this forum. I've never tried an online community for depression but I feel like I have no one to talk to that really understands what it's like to feel like I do. It's not exactly a topic of casual conversation. I'm 28 and have been on Lexapro for over a year. I tried going off it for a few months but felt the sadness come creeping back so I went back on. I feel a little better...at least the sadness, the "blah" feeling is slightly gone. I guess my biggest problem is coming to terms with this disease. I'm mad that I have to take pills to help me deal with it. I've never had to before and I guess I just can't understand why it's become such a huge problem for me. Looking back I realize that I've always been depressed at one time or another, had high anxiety, but I always managed to deal with it somehow. I though it would get easier as I got older but it's become the opposite. I don't like myself as much as I used to. I feel weaker, less optimistic, and don't have the determination I once had. I've realized how many negative thoughts run through my head everyday. I try really hard to think positive, stay focused, take good care of myself. My husband doesn't understand why it's so difficult for me to "just be happy". I've tried to explain it to him but he just doesn't get it. I just want to be excited about life and my future like I used to be. Any advice?