MY OWN WORST NIGHTMARE

By KEN Saturday, January 19, 2008

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I WAS TREATED FOR 12 YEARS FOR DEPRESSION AND ANXITEY WITH ZOLOFT 75 MG AND XANAX AS NEEDED .25 MG.
ONE DAY I HAD A SEVERE PANIC ATTACK AND COULD NOT FINISH THE DRIVE HOME I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE.
THE DOCTOR SENT ME FOR EVERY TEST PHYSICALY. I WAS OK SO SHE SENT ME TO A SHRINK. THE SHRINK TOLD ME I WAS ON ZOLOFT FOR TOO LONG AND NEEDED TO CHANGE MY MEDS. THIS IS WHEN MY LIFE ENDED.
7:00 AM 40 MG PROZAC
7:00 AM 10 MG BUSPAR
12:00 NOON .5 MG CLONOPIN
12:00 NOON 25 MG SEROQUEL
3:00 PM 10 MG BUSPAR
8:30 TO 9:00 PM 100 MG SEROQUEL
THIS IS THE MEDICATION THEROPY THE SHRINK PUT ME ON. I DONT THINK I HAVE TO TELL YOU I WAS FLYING HIGH DURING THE DAY BUT AT NIGHT I DIDNT EVEN KNOW WHO I WAS.
AS A RESULT OF THIS I TOLD THE DR AND SHE SAID TAKE SOME TIME TO GET USED TO THE REACTION OF THE MEDS. I STARTED SLEEPWALKING AND GETTING HURT AT WORK MISSING DAYS AT WORK AND NOT GETTING ANY BETTER. THEN ONE NIGHT MY NIECE WAS SLEEPING OVER AND SAID TO HER MOTHER I GOT IN BED WITH HER IN THE NIGHT TIME AND SAID SOME INAPROIATE THINGS TO HER. NEEDLESS TO SAY I WAS ARRESTED THROWN IN JAIL RAPED BEATEN LOST MY JOB AND AS A RESULT OF THIS TRIED TO KILL MYSELF THREE TIMES. AS I DID NOT KNOW IF THIS WAS TRUE OR A DREAM SHE HAD AND I THOUGHT THAT IF IT DID HAPPEN I DESERVED TO DIE. FOR THE PAST SIX MONTHS I CAN ONLY SEE MY CHILDREN WITH MOMMY PRESENT NOW I CAN COME HOME FO 23 HOURS ADAY AS LONG AS MY WIFE IS HERE AND I DO NOT SLEEP.I WILL NEVER GIVE UP MY FIGHT TO PROVE MY INNOCENCE IN THIS MATTER AS IT HAS DESTROYED MY WIFES SIDE OF THE FAMILY AND IS AFFECTING MY KIDS. MY SUPPORT COMES FROM MY CHILDREN MY WIFE BROTHER SISTER AND MOST OF ALL MY MOTHER IN-LAW. IF YOU HAVE ANY THOUGHTS ON THIS OR ADVICE PLEASE I COULD USE ALL THE HELP I CAN GET. IM NOW ON TEMPORARY DISABILITY AND LIVE IN MY CAR AT NIGHT. I TRY TO STAY STRONG FOR MY KIDS BUT IT IS HARD TO DO WHEN PEOPLE LOOK AT YOU AS ONE OF THE MONSTERS THAT I TRULY HAVE ALWAYS HATED. I WOULD NEVER EVER HURT A CHILD.

IM STILL HERE

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Rusty

1/19/08 8:10pm

I have been on Zoloft for 15 years....and it has always worked. That sounds like where the problems began. The medication you took after the zoloft sounds like medication for Bipolar. My partner has Bipolar that's how I know. You have been through a lot, life has thrown you some very big challenges. You are still here and you still have the spirit to fight.....that is fantastic! The only advice is to try to live one day at a time and try to find a little enjoyment in each day. As you go to bed think about that little enjoyable thing. It might just be walking in the park, or having a coffee somewhere, talking to you kids. Focus on the little things and as you do your mind will become more attunded to thinking positively and hopefully the negative thoughts will start to go. If you do have a negative thought or memory, immediately catch it and follow it with something positive. Very gradually things will start to get better. You need also to make sure you are looking after your health and eating properly if you can. Try to think about how you can get some better accommodation. It is not good for you to sleep in your car all the time. I have some students from Africa ( refugees). They have had the most awful things happen in their lives but they have great faith and they can turn there lives around and move on from their awful past. I asked one of them what she did to turn off the bad memories and she said "I sing loudly". Music is very healing. Maybe that might help you. Maybe one day you will write a book.....but right now just take things one day at a time. Rusty

MY OWN WORST NIGHTMARE

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