A lot has happened in the past week. Exactly seven days ago I was told that my mother has been taking dope and stealing money and cheating and gambling. I didn't want to believe it. Really, I didn't. And now that I know for sure that she's everything I hate in people who I claim to be enemies I'm left to ponder if my rules of abstinance apply to her as well.
You see, there's this rule that I hold with all of my aqaintences. You do drugs I cut you out of my life. You drink alcohol I cut you out of my life. You join a gang I cut you out of my life. And so now I'm faced with the decision on whether or not to cut my mother out. I never thought that my rule would be applicable to her. Never in a million years would I have thought that my mother would be doing drugs again and stealing money from my Step Father. Of course I knew that there was always a chance of her cheating and the gambling factor has been there for over five years but never that. Never that.
So whenever I look at her when she comes in from work all I see is a drug addict. Someone who'se conniving and low and dirty. I don't know what do around her or even how to act. Lately I've just kept my mouth shut lest I shout at her and yell and do something that I'll regret. I'm just waiting for this ship to run its course and I'm fairly sure of its docking point. Gator will divorce her and I'll be left to take care of my younger sister and older brother and my drug addicted mother while he takes away the one little girl whom I'd give anything for. Halley will completely disappear and all meaning, what little meaning was left, of my life will be gone and I'll be left with nothing. I'll wallow in my despair as the cold darkness descends upon me. Deaths hand will grip my heart and rip it from my chest and its icy fingers will squeeze the life from my heart, squeeze it dry until there's nothing left but an empty and dismal black pit of nothingness.
And perhaps I'm overexhagerating. Maybe Gator will take us away from her and care for us as if we're his own. Maybe. But that's just a dream. He may say that he loves us but I can't believe him. I can't believe anyone when they claim that they love me or care for me because it never seems to hold true. Something always happens to make it so everything that they've said to me becomes an apparent lie. If I keep on hoping and I keep on believing that someone loves me a little piece inside of me will die each time they prove otherwise. There's not much of me left and if I want to stay here, if I want to be here any longer I can't allow myself to trust anyone. Trust what they say and what they do.
Anyway, I'm tired and I'm just going to bed or something. I'm not feeling well anyway. So this is goodnight. For me anyway. until next time. :-|
