It's been 4 months that my ex-boyfriend broke up with me. I'm still having a hard time and keep going back to what could have been different. On our Christmas dinner he told me he was feeling down and was going to try to be nicer to me and his family. On the way back home we had a disagreement and then I fell asleep. While I was sleeping he went to his house packed my things and woke me up in front of my house to drop me off. He said his depression was only going to get worse and didn't want it to be my problem. He also said I was going to be in a better place without him and can find someone better. I was angry but after a week passed we talked and he cried and thanked me for talking to him and how he was going to try to get better. But he did not want professional help.
Well I didn't hear from him in 3 weeks so I contacted him and he was different again. He said it was time for us to move on and again that I would be in a better place and didn't return my phone call. 3 more weeks pass by and he emails to say sorry for not calling. Another month goes by and he emails to ask how I am. He's happy that I was going out of town and wished me a good trip and mentioned talking when I get back. He almost sounded happy. Well I never heard from him again and it's been a month.
He hurt me really bad and honestly don't think anything I do will help. Contacting him only pushes him away more and I feel really beat up. I really think he's trying to block me out of his life and start again. I also feel he took things out on me. I don't know where he's at this point and think he's probably with other women or drinking.
I miss him terribly and want my best friend back. I don't think there is hope for us anymore and while I know I have my life ahead of me I just don't understand how he is okay with us not being together anymore. I really thought we enjoyed our company and had something meaningful.
Reading on this website how depression has affected partners has been very helpful. I read how one has to set boundaries by drawing a line which can lead to leaving the person. But, what bothers me is that I was never given the choice to end the relationship because he did it for me. Plus, he mentioned once not being able to handle me leaving, but I guess that's part of more issues that he had.
I know eventually I'll be okay but I feel it's still going to be a long road.
Hi there. So sorry to hear of your sadness and grief. It all sounds so very confusing with shattered hopes and unanswered questions. I felt that when my wife left after similar "comings and goings". It takes a fair while to get over but I've learned a few things though, like when a relationship ends there's always a "dumper" and a "dumpee" ... guess which one sucks the most! The trouble is there's no way to fully get inside another person's mind ... and in any case we have so many questions which are often mixed up with our own issues and insecurities ... we can't be objective and rational. Your former boyfriend may really be honestly dealing the best way he can with his "stuff" and hopefully, if he is feeling deeply depressed, he will have the sense to see a professional. Even so, a relationship with someone in this situation is very hard to maintain and grow... it costs a lot. And ... if for whatever reason he needs to opt out there's little you (the "dumpee") can really do. He may be feeling bad (guilty?) about it and thus the occasional changes of direction, but he has at least been honest enough to try and explain his situation ... he hasn't blamed you and I hope you don't fall into the trap of feeling that somehow it's your fault. Try and be kind to yourself ... you matter! May hugs and warm fuzzies fill your day.
I appreciate your comment. It's really helpful to hear this from someone with similar experiences. You made a lot of sense, especially at a time when I was thinking very negative about the experience.
Thank you!