dont seem to have friends in this world!

I seem to be in a place in my life where I been stuck for about three years now the last two very bad. A place where people cringe to hear me speak almost .I see the disguss in peoples faces and voices for me and it destroys me . a simple roll of the eyes a simple like what now. I cant truly begin to understand what it is I done to these people. I truly stop living such a long time ago. everything I say is belive to be a lie to people that they dont care to really hear me. I know that I cant imagine in my life what it would be to have such a simple thing back as self esteem friends and close family . I have a mom that loves me with all her heart but she has listen to others so long it block her from listening to me and not them. I cant imagine what it would be like to hear people say anything truly nice about me and mean it. I am about to take my 2nd hair drug test to prove i am not on drugs that is the only thing i can see that would cause them to hate me or dislike me the way i see and feel. I try so hard to pretend that people like me and belive in me . it just takes one moment to tear that down and see how they truly feel. but yet i never really done anything to them at all. so what they hate has come from other people .I belive that a friend does honesly get a kick and enjoy proving to people i am no good it is her goal to make me look as bad as she can . i dont want to fuss with people fight with people or prove anything or even say this or that about them back. I want to feel like i belong in this world with everyone else . i want to have the right to stand up for myself without it being thought of as a lie. for the most part at work we stay very quiet alot I work at night and we all do our work but it can be very slow at night and sometimes lately over the last month we dont speak much at all anymore . when i am with a friend i feel like it is her goal to prove i am no good. what i would give to have someone so i my side I am the last one to be belive and the first one to be doubt. I go through life with knowing I shouldnt talk but i need to . knowing that even the most simplest of things i am not allow to share with most. I know that all i done is hurt in the last two years more than i think i ever hurt anyone. i feel inside when i even speak it wrong that mostlly i am just there to people. I truly cant understand what i said or done wrong for the most part well all parts . i feel people think I do her a favor i am being nice to her but why would it be a favor if i being nice to you. what is it about me everyone dislike so much .i try not to talk about the sad stuff i try not to talk about the happy stuff. i try doesnt mean i do it cause i human it just come out about nothing but just talk. I dont think it will be possbily to be able to be around anyone in ga that things will ever be diffrent for me. people are so out to prove this or that about me . she bi polar she on drugs she lies nothing i say matter everything they say is the truth it seems . drugs i dont take anymore at all and lie well try my best not to and bi polar dont really think so either think i am very right about what they feel it is a form of hate or strong dislike. I battle with being happy then sad and it can be back to back . when i am down it is the worst down i ever felt and happy just feel like everything ok and see great things happen . i distrust everyone for the most part except my mom and i know my nephew loves me. even know he hears nothing but negative about me still hope he always understand how much i love him and would do the world for him. we talk at work about other people like innconent untill proving guilt and bearing false judgement but when it comes to me it lie untill proven otherwise drugs untill proven other wise . when a million times i prove so much alot of what i say but nothing matters . people can hurt your feeling and think the wrong thing but you will see how they feel about you . if they feel sorry for it then they think well i was wrong she didnt deserve it but if they feel oh well . then you deserve it . doesnt matter if i tell the truth or lie no one really belives or cares it doesnt matter . I try to undertstand and think only God and my family should matter but one my family for the most part will belive other people and God not sure what he wants out of me cause i feel like am i as tore apart on the inside as someone could be. i alway had somewhat low self esteem even when i was thin . I always felt not smart as others. i get so very frustrated to easy if i feel i should get it faster or quicker. i get very frustrated for easy and give up . that is also why depression is hard to beat because one you have to belive your worth something and i got alot people most dont belive nothing i say or do and two i get frustrated cause it easyer to just be down it takes so much effort to try to care about yourself or want to get out of bed. people are so hard trying to figure out is it bi polar depression drugs or lying the best thing anyone could do is like me for me. i dont know what me is anymore but if i do nothing to you then just like me for being sherri and no that i try hard everyday to feel worth knowing worth talking to worth having real friends that wouldnt go out of there way to hurt you . i try hard to imgaine what it would feel like or be like if i had one ounce of me left.