We all felt alot same feeling and it helps so much to know your not alone or that someone been through something before. My life seems so different than others I wish it was just depression that controlled me. I feel inside I lost not only me but people i love. I feel hopeful somedays and other if you could 100 percent show me my life wouldnt change very much even a short as year i would choose not to live it anymore i drove into work today and wished that it would end. that not sucide talk it cant wait untill God says your done hurting and people done hurting you. no more sadness no more tears. I am not in my 40's yet and i wander honest if i make it there. i not sucidal but cant wait untill God releases me in someway from what i feel it destroys my heart to know certain family doesnt even want to talk to me and not only that when you say your sorry for talking . when i says something personal not about stuff like this but anything i say i am sorry i know not to talk personal . tell me that wouldnt destroy any self esttem you have left to say sorry cause you said something or have someone skip over what you say. I would want anyone to hurt the way i have no one on this earth. My past not present was lying and pills and depression untill they said it was bi polar i dont know if bi polar and dont truly care the point is people way to handle me is skip over if i say something personal or check out my story even if i say i saw someone in town they call to find out . just goes on and on. I hurt and i have hurt others to the point I know in my heart nothing could change in my life unless i say goodbye to everyone or they says goodbye to me. cause God forgiveness i ask for daily for things i dont understand but from people i will never have it back and not just that i went from 3 close friends to no friends at all. lost i think the one kid i love more than anything he just done with this stuff or me i  guess. How do you possible explain what you dont understand .and because of my past or depression or whatever when jobs people school anything come into my life someone finds out and tells someone there all about my problems before they know me. I scared i am unable to ever truly start over and know that i never live this way another year. i havent given up hope but i understand i havent been living just existing and existing not enough never was.