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We all felt alot same feeling and it helps so much to know your not alone or that someone been through something before. My life seems so different than others I wish it was just depression that controlled me. I feel inside I lost not only me but people i love. I feel hopeful somedays and other if you could 100 percent show me my life wouldnt change very much even a short as year i would choose not to live it anymore i drove into work today and wished that it would end. that not sucide talk it cant wait untill God says your done hurting and people done hurting you. no more sadness no more tears. I am not in my 40's yet and i wander honest if i make it there. i not sucidal but cant wait untill God releases me in someway from what i feel it destroys my heart to know certain family doesnt even want to talk to me and not only that when you say your sorry for talking . when i says something personal not about stuff like this but anything i say i am sorry i know not to talk personal . tell me that wouldnt destroy any self esttem you have left to say sorry cause you said something or have someone skip over what you say. I would want anyone to hurt the way i have no one on this earth. My past not present was lying and pills and depression untill they said it was bi polar i dont know if bi polar and dont truly care the point is people way to handle me is skip over if i say something personal or check out my story even if i say i saw someone in town they call to find out . just goes on and on. I hurt and i have hurt others to the point I know in my heart nothing could change in my life unless i say goodbye to everyone or they says goodbye to me. cause God forgiveness i ask for daily for things i dont understand but from people i will never have it back and not just that i went from 3 close friends to no friends at all. lost i think the one kid i love more than anything he just done with this stuff or me i guess. How do you possible explain what you dont understand .and because of my past or depression or whatever when jobs people school anything come into my life someone finds out and tells someone there all about my problems before they know me. I scared i am unable to ever truly start over and know that i never live this way another year. i havent given up hope but i understand i havent been living just existing and existing not enough never was.
Hi, Sherri - my heart goes out to you and I feel like I understand you a little better now since you wrote more about what's going on. Are the family members that treat you like this people that you have to be around very much? If not, is it possible to avoid them? I was also wondering if you are seeing a therapist or a psychiatrist for the depression. A therapist could really help you deal with how you respond to the way people treat you and help you recognize the good you have inside you. What's important is not what you think others think of you, but how you judge yourself and right now, it sounds like you're letting them influence your beliefs about yourself. It sounds like you're trying to turn your life around and that the whole problem might have been caused by having a condition you didn't know you had. That's not your fault. You are doing the best you can and you don't have to answer to other people about your past. I'm wondering if you live in a small town, since it seems like your family has some influence over what other people know about you. It's not their business and if they are ruining job possibilities for you, it is SO WRONG. I hope you can get some support in moving forward with what you want to do, maybe it will mean having no contact with them for a while. Why would you want to be around people who don't trust you or believe you?
I hope you'll keep writing and let us know how you're doing!
Thank you for always writing to me it feels like everyone against me like I do nothing right at all. people watch my every word and thoughts and actions. I am kid like in most ways such a kid at heart . last night i got some candy for the group at work i was playing with all them not my shift but another and suddenly i felt like they thought something wrong with me just by being a kid at heart. and then i thought about someone that i miss being around my newphew and cried most part of the night on and off just about how i wish people would just stop being so hard on my every move. I dont understand how to be pefectly normal one solid mood i am either happy or sad and sometimes both at the same time. last night was mix between thinking someone my nephew didnt love me or just thinking how can trying to be nice go wrong. I think my family like my nephew and everyone tired of dealing with this stuff so there done with me then other times i feel they still love me. I feel even when i play with people there tare it apart. I feel stupid when i try to be nice and the same when i am sad. i want to lay in bed right now all day not not move at all. people dont get true depression in my life it been had to be drugs or has to be this. but depression just that depressions. and when i can laugh and forget about sometimes it makes me so happy. thank you for listen every single time thanks so very much.
You are welcome! Maybe I've asked you this before, but are you taking any antidepressants or seeing a therapist? I think that could help you a lot with these sudden feelings of people thinking you're stupid or not liking you. That is depression talking, not your rational mind and I know what it's like. You believe all that negative stuff is the truth, even when your rational mind tells you it isn't. It takes a lot of practice and reinforcement to get past that. I can tell that you're pretty depressed and it's very hard to climb out of that without help. Sometimes we just can't do it all by ourselves, so if you're not already working with someone, I hope you will do that.
Take care and let me know how you're doing.
Judy