So, I have been dealing with anxiety/depression since I was 15 or so. In dealing with this, one of my major problems has been with fighting the urge to isolate myself. I have always been an introvert, and have always enjoyed being alone. When I was two, I had a very high temperature due to scarlet fever, and I suffered nerve damage in both of my ears. Luckily, at that point I had already learned to speak properly. I have about 60% hearing loss in both ears, and I can hear with hearing aids but also have to rely heavily on reading lips.
I think this hearing loss, in addition to my innate introversion, has negatively affected how I interact with the world. I can carry on normally in social situations, and I don't have a fear of social situations, per se, but it is just motion for me. I feel I don't ever connect with anyone past a superficial level. I try not to isolate myself, but even when I force myself to socialize (even just two on two) I am still isolated really. It is like I am not really "there". I know the inability to connect with anyone is my own fault. I am so intensely private about every thought in my head, every detail of my life, I never put myself out there.
I do feel like I have just accepted as fact that I may never be able to overcome this, and I convince myself I am ok with this. However, when certain times come around, like the holidays especially, I am made more aware of how alone I am. Of how alone I CHOOSE to be. I push everyone away, I have an excuse for everytime I do this (my weight, no money, etc). But I know it comes down to me.
This brings me to my biggest fear, the fear that really underlies every little worry I have, the one I don't really deal with: I am alone and may be for the rest of my life.
Hi, there. I can understand how having impaired hearing can really contribute to your feelings of isolation. It's probably a lot of work to try to listen to everyone. But it does seem that you have a lot of insight as to why you push people away, but I wonder if that part is due to depression. It's a protective device to help you not get hurt, but maybe it's depression also making you feel like you're not really "there." I've had that experience, as well, and it's almost surreal. I don't recall if you've mentioned whether or not you're in therapy or on medication, but if you're not, maybe one or both could help. There are times now when I wish I COULD not "be there," but it's not so easy any more, which I guess is a good thing. I'm an introvert, too, so I do understand the pull. But I've also found over the last several years how important it is for me to keep in touch with a few friends with whom I feel comfortable, or even with whom I can just relax and have a good time. I'm hoping this can happen for you, too, some time. Take care.
The hearing issue does make things trickier, but really it is just a small obstacle. I do tend to use it as a crutch to "explain" why I am not social, but really it is the depression and my total lack of self worth. Mostly, I stop trying because socializing often makes me feel worse about myself. However, I can remember times in the past when I have genuinely enjoyed others' company. Mostly, I feel I cannot be acceptable to the world until I am acceptable to myself (skinnier, prettier, funnier, etc). It is true what they say, you cannot be loved if you don't first love yourself.
I am not currently on medication. I have tried numerous meds in the past years and nothing made much of a difference. I was taking celexa for two years up until recently, but gave up on that after numerous bouts of depression while on it. I am trying to just eat healthy and exercise, to lose some weight and hopefully improve my mood, so I'll see. I have felt better in the past when I have been healthier. I am not currently in therapy due to financial reasons. Anyhow, I am still on the fence about whether I want to go back or not. The problem with therapy is the same problem I have with socializing, it is hard for me to be completely honest with the therapist as there are certain things I just cannot voice, no matter how hard I try. It limits the effectiveness of the therapy. There is just a boundary/wall I cannot cross, it is so ingrained in me and the fear of breaking it down is paralyzing.