Tick...tock...jump at the sound of a clock. Strike one...strike two...wash it all down with a little blue pill (or two). Numbness is a double-edged sword. To be or not to be ME, that is the question. To sleep...but perchance no dreams. Ahh, never mind...sweet relief is coming on.
If you don't know, the little blue pill is Xanax. My doc prescribed it for me last month in addition to my antidepressant. I mostly am more "down" than anxious. However, I do have moments of anxiety and some anxiety attacks. I just have it for those times. I don't take it all the time but it does help when the anxiety comes on. I really tried to put off having to take anything that has a sort of narcotic effect. The dosage I am on is low, just enough to take the edge off. I just have this love/hate relationship with meds. I have always resisted any type of medicine. I even put off taking advil if I have a headache. I always was like this. Some days I just want to stop taking the meds altogether but sometimes I am grateful for them.
I had planned on not refilling my Xanax prescription. But this morning I was so "up" my mind was racing with negative thoughts and my heart felt like it was racing. Not quite an anxiety attack but nearly so. Then again I did drink 2 big cups of coffee this morning (may have to switch to decaf though caffeine is my one vice). The Xanax (or two...I admit it) help so whatever. I guess I just worry I will become too dependent on it. I like the effect but don't want to be a zombie.
I have the same love/hate relationship with meds as well. They are a life saver but side effects are not always fun. Right now I'm on Wellbutrin( generic), and went off of Cymbalta about 5 months ago and began Serzone(generic). I also take Temazepam to help with restless leg syndrome, before they even came up with a name for it.
I changed in hopes that Cymbalta was keeping me from losing weight. I've been on it for 5 years or more. I was on Effexor which worked very well, to well, as I gained weight, but that could have been due to my depression and inactivity.
I am losing weight now that I'm on Serzone. It does make me dizzy and sluggish, but when I don't take them I get very anxious or angry or as if I have PMS. I'm 54 years old. So I think it is the drug. Maybe it just could be my environment.
I did start HRT and still don't know if that is helping or not. So I do feel for you, sometimes it is hard to find just what works for you. Also, aging is a definite factor.
I have not tried too many meds since I haven't been on the medication route too long. Right now I am on a low dose of Celexa and Xanax for those bad times. I don't find too many side effects. The thing is, I always wonder if they really help or not. Sure, I have felt better, but there were times before I took meds that I felt better. I wonder if the benifits justify the cost. I mean, I don't want to put unnecessary chemicals in my body.
After all the meds you have tried (and all the side effects you have had), do you really find there is a benefit to the meds? Do they actually help?
OH, most definitely. If I hadn't got help with a counselor and medication, I'm not sure I would be here today. It was only my prayer to the Lord that my husband and children need me, otherwise, I didn't care to live anymore. It was a deep dark depression, that I couldn't get out of bed and wept all the time. And my husband was frustrated because he didn't know what to do with me.
Then restless leg syndrome showed up at the same time, so I had enough strength to make an appointment with a family Dr. and he couldn't find anything wrong until he asked me what is going on at home. I burst into tears and he asked me if I knew any Counselors or Drs I could talk too. It so happened I did as I worked at a Psych Hospital but had to quit as we moved, and my husband had started a new business.
So that is what I did and the Dr put me on Zoloft at first, I was so mellow that I would ignore my 3 sons sharing a bedroom together and were arguing about something. I needed to have some anxiousness or something to get up and take care of the problem. Then I went on Wellbutrin and it has been great! No sexual side effects.
Then my son committed suicide and the Dr doubled the dose of Wellbutrin and added Effexor. I forgot to add that I had been on Serzone, which is sedating, which I didn't know that, but was put on that after I had been using Prozac for a year. That drug did okay, so okay that I had an appetite and was starting to gain weight on it.
I went off of Effexor to Cymbalta, which works well, but I think I was gaining weight from that or just the pain of grief from the loss of my son. I am now losing weight since I got off of Cymbalta, and back to Serzone then my precious buddy, my dog had to be put to sleep and it through me back into a depression close to when my son died. It just brought back memories, then my med Dr sent me ASAP to a Psychologist where I had 8 weeks of intensive therapy. Which through my insurance was free, I have lousy insurance because we own a business and are self-employed.
Then DH was in on the last 3 visits. I wept when it was the last day, as the Dr was leaving the country for a year. There is a substitute counselor, but I haven't needed to really go see one right now. Only if it was this counselor that I had known 20 years prior.
I hope this helps you to make decisions, medications are a God send and they are getting better all the time. I too don't like to take meds either, but when my life depends on it, I do. I can't function when I am clinically depressed.
Ivory