relapse struggle

By 34yearsofthis Wednesday, May 13, 2009

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My dearest friend just moved out of the country to the Himalayas and I feel so at loose ends. She is the person I share everything with and who truly listens to me about my struggle with depression. She never judges me and always encourages me- showing me the ways she sees me as strong and brave and helping me see those things in myself too.

Since she left I haven't wanted to talk to anyone or see anyone, I've been falling back into my old ways of not leaving the house all day, ignoring the phone and sleeping most of the day. All I want to eat is sugar sugar sugar. I feel kind of angry because she left so soon after her job ended and now I have 2 weeks of spring break that we could have enjoyed with a lot of fun times together but she's already gone. . .

I didn't say the things I wanted to say to her before she left about how she always makes me feel like I belong and like everything is going to work out okay for me no matter how hard things get. She is such a nurturing soothing person and I did everything I could to help her move and pack and get ready and clean the old apartment and sell her car up until the last day. . but I never got the words out.

I have a boyfriend and he is a great love but I could never really say things to him the way I can to her because he really doesn't understand the depression even though he tries and she really does. I dont know who to turn to. I do have other friends and the are good people but somehow I never really feel like I can be completely open or safe with them the way I was able to with her.

I'm struggling with this in real time and grieving losing her and its hard, it makes me want to shut down altogether, I'm trying not to. At the same time it stirs up my past and all the abandonment history and fears I live with because of my childhood. I feel powerless and unlovable and very alone. I have come so far in the last 2 years after 2 hospitalizations for my depression. I lost my job and handled it without going back into depression. I got back into college and I am retraining for a new career and doing well. Before treatment and a lot of hard inner work I never could have faced all this but now with her gone somehow my courage seems to be draining away from me and I'm relapsing. I cant seem to take hold of the things I need to do to feel better even though I know what they are, I just feel so weak and uninspired to fix myself.

I don't know where to go from here and I'm afraid.

Comments (2) | Add comment

Marishka

10/11/09 1:41am

Hi,

I am new to this site and it still confuses me where to go and how to go about it. But I read your post- depression is such a strange condition. To have someone that never judges you and understands your depression, and always encourages you, wow- what a blessing. For me that would be my cat. :) You sound like a strong person. What helps you cope with the depression? Did I read that you were hospitalized and that the treatment programs helped? Can you go again? Forgive me if I got it mixed up, this site is still a bit confusing for me. The treatment program I went to helped me as well after a hospitalization. I am trying to get a therapist as well now.

Cheers and smiles

34yearsofthis

1/14/10 10:48am

HI marshika

I did go for treatment twice in 3 years. The first time helped a lot but I still had a long way to go then I had a crisis in my life that I could not handle & I had a big relapse so I went back and did much better. I was fortunate that my workplace was understanding and my insurance was good as well as the facility I went to which had a sliding scale and so I paid only 20% because my income was low.

I haven't been on this site in a while so I apologize for this delayed response.

I was just reading an article about a man with Autism who wrote a book called born on a blue day. They asked him how he was able to overcome some of the problems of Autism and connect to people socially and become a more flexible person. he had a great answer which was that he is wary of self help advice that takes a one size fits all approach to individual problems. Everyone is so unique and has different strengths. For that reason I am happy to tell you what kinds of things help me but a part of the journey of living with and managing depression in finding your own resources and what works for you. It's incredibly hard and when you feel less that alive it can be a monstrous task.

I try to think of handling my depression when it gets nasty as a way of fighting for my life and for the real me. I get so buried under it when I relapse that it can be hard to hear my own true voice. Depression is a brutal bully and a powerful oppressor. It tells you so many things about yourself that are not true but that you come to believe. Like you are empty and you have nothing good inside and all of those thoughts that seem so true and seem to be at our very core. But the truth is that is the voice of the depression smashing us down if we try to rise out. The main things that help me and helped me at my lowest point are these. Taking long slow deep breaths with my eyes closed for one full minute. Then listening for the negative thoughts and replying to them like I would if someone said them to somone I loved. Basically telling them to f--- off.

When I would think- I am worthless and no one loves me- I would get myself steady and say I am not worthless every human has value and so do I, I love me and others do to. It sounds incredibly cheezy and it feels false but after a while it feels good.

Calming myself down when I had a storm of misery raging in me, when my whole body would hurt and I felt like the whole world was frightening and ugly. I would find one beautiful thing, my cat, a picture, something outside and just look at it and kind of rock myself in a hug i'd stroke my shoulders like a kid you want to calm down and just keep repeating that I can get through it I am going to be better everything is going to be okay.

Ultimately I think we need to be compassionate to ourselves which is so hard when depression tells you you arent worth anything. But its an illness and a thinking disorder so we have to catch those diseased thoughts and seperate them out from who we are then talk them down dare to disagree with them , eventually I think the mind can heal. But all the medicine and even counseling in the world can only be a place to learn how and to start healing the thoughts and stopping the horrible thoughts in their tracks. Its something deep inside you do every day until one day you wake up and the real you has more to say than the depression.

I remember waking up one day and being amazed that I didn't feel an instant horror like a huge wall pressing down on me that I had to face the day. It felt like a miracle. I could not remeber the last time I had woken up without that wall and after all this practice of healing my thinking. . . it was not there. There were still days that it came back but that one day was what I needed more than anything. . it gave me hope that it would be possible to just wake up like a normal person. That in itself was life changing. It allowed me to imagine a better life. Eventually, and it has been some years now I realized one day that the balance of days when I felt like dying to days when I felt like living had actually shifted. That the feeling liking days werent one in a million anymore they were starting ot come regularly. That was another life changer.

I dont want to say its simple or easy but once you have started healing and you have a really good counseler and the right medicine and you are adhering to a set of daily activities to keep you mentally healthy and you find hope your world CAN change.

I send you strength hope and light

relapse struggle

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