relapse struggle

My dearest friend just moved out of the country to the Himalayas and I feel so at loose ends. She is the person I share everything with and who truly listens to me about my struggle with depression. She never judges me and always encourages me- showing me the ways she sees me as strong and brave and helping me see those things in myself too.

Since she left I haven't wanted to talk to anyone or see anyone, I've been falling back into my old ways of not leaving the house all day, ignoring the phone and sleeping most of the day. All I want to eat is sugar sugar sugar. I feel kind of angry because she left so soon after her job ended and now I have 2 weeks of spring break that we could have enjoyed with a lot of fun times together but she's already gone.  .  .

   I didn't say the things I wanted to say to her before she left about how she always makes me feel like I belong and like everything is going to work out okay for me no matter how hard things get. She is such a nurturing soothing person and I did everything I could to help her move and pack and get ready and clean the old apartment and sell her car up until the last day. . but I never got the words out.

   I have a boyfriend and he is a great love but I could never really say things to him the way I can to her because he really doesn't understand the depression even though he tries and she really does.  I dont know who to turn to. I do have other friends and the are good people but somehow I never really feel like I can be completely open or safe with them the way I was able to with her. 

I'm struggling with this in real time and grieving losing her and its hard, it makes me want to shut down altogether, I'm trying not to. At the same time it stirs up my past and all the abandonment history and fears I live with because of my childhood. I feel powerless and unlovable and very alone. I have come so far in the last 2 years after 2 hospitalizations for my depression. I lost my job and handled it without going back into depression. I got back into college and I am retraining for a new career and doing well. Before treatment and a lot of hard inner work I never could have faced all this but now with her gone somehow my courage seems to be draining away from me and I'm relapsing. I cant seem to take hold of the things I need to do to feel better even though I know what they are, I just feel so weak and uninspired to fix myself.

I don't know where to go from here and I'm afraid.