To those of us left waiting

I have learned so much these past few months, dealing with a partner suffering an untreated depressive episode that seems to get worse before it gets better.

I have read so much, and followed all of the wonderful advice on here.

If you have the endurance, strength and patience to want to continue dating someone with depression, like I do, you first have to be okay on your own.

The main thing I have learned is to not count on anyone but yourself, (or friends/family).

I pushed him away by trying, inviting him out on trips...it made him feel guilty that he couldn't do the Halloween trip with me.

I really didn't mind, and thought it would just be a fun getaway.

I realized what I did when he snapped at me and said that he just wants to be alone, and being single is his only option right now and to stop trying.

He later apologized for snapping, and tried to warn me about the hell, saying he once dated someone for 4 years but didn't 'love' her until after 3.

Trying to bring them out of their hell only makes it worse. Saying you will wait for them makes it worse. Acting hurt makes it worse. I have learned from experience, no matter how much I read I still did it.

The only thing that worked, was when I described how much I fell in love with him, how special it was/is, and how a 'normal' relationship wouldn't work for me right now anyhow, as I have been very busy focusing on my goals.

I told him to never feel guilty for what he is putting me through because it is my choice to be here for him and that I will respect his space so he can work on getting well.

Just then, I felt that wall break down just a little, as he put a picture of me and him on his myspace!

No one I know can really understand why I would want to go through this, but when I make a little breakthough, it seems all worth it. At least I feel something..... I have my own dysthmia depression so I understand.

I never understood 'take care of yourself first', but now I do. Being in my wonderful house makes me happy. When I force myself out, it makes it worse.

So do what makes YOU happy, no matter what.