The sun was out.
Thursday, February 03, 2011
|| 4:47pm ||
The sun decided to shine today. After my therapy appt and running errands I decided to take a walk.
Honestly, beside the snow on the ground and the snow melting it felt like a warm sunny day. I wanted to roll down my windows on the drive home and blare my radio. I had it cracked some with the heater on. It felt semi-ok outside with the sun shining.
I'm still pretty perturbed with my parents and my current living situation. I decided to take time for myself rather than calling the apts. Tomorrow will be th day.
I had this idea to talk a walk because the sun was out and I wanted to enjoy it. I had no clue what the temperature was. I was planning on walking to the library, but I decided against it because I only brought a bag and didn't want to mess with carrying the reusable bag. I prefer backpacks, but I just decided against the backpack, too. Just kind of went with the flow of things and ended up just walking around the neighborhood with no plan as to where I'd walk. I had a light long sleeved shirt, fleece sweatpants/track pants, gloves, and my winter coat. Not even halfway in the walk I realized I should have worn something over my ears. I had my ipod so a hat may not have worked either way. But now that I'm home my ears hurts and are still cold. My throats kind of sore, as well. I don't care, though. I just looked up the weather and it's 24 degrees outside and the feels like is 16. Mmmm... I didn't think it was that cold.
When I got home of course my mom bombarded me with whatever. She was like did you have a hat? I said no. I tried to act pretty mellow and distant around her. I specifically left the house right before she got home so I could have some peace to myself and not have to deal with her or hear her throughout the house. It felt good to walk. It was almost like I was blowing off steam or something because I still felt anger inside of me.
So therapy was good. She thought it was a good session, too.
I cried.
She wants me to share whatever that is going on in head with her. I told her that when anyone comes into my life I'm so tempted to just spill my emotions when we first meet because I'm so desperate to have a friend. But we all know that that's overwhelming and a turn off to the other person. Even though I've seen people do it to other people before. But they obviously don't have a brain or whatever. So she wants me to be able to tell her everything that I want to tell people.
I talked about the various interactions I have had with various people out at the center.
Actually, while I was sitting in her office talking about deep stuff and finishing up crying or about to cry Lynne knocked on her door. Usually when that happens I just look down and try to mind my own business. But Lynne realized I was in the office and she said Hi, (my name) and seemed really excited to see me. I was kind of caught off guard and somewhat still disappointed with her so I said, Hi and tried to act happy. Later on I brought that up with Dianna and she said I seemed really happy and appropriate to how I talked to Lynne or said hi to her. Uhm. ok. It was pure bullshit on my part, but I didn't say that.
Thank you for your post. I can tell that you are one of those "people with a brain" from the way you express yourself. Btw, it is safe here to share whatever you want to share, whether it is about eating play-doh or fears of opening up. I have the same instincts about "social experiments" with my friends/acquaintances. To me, any social interaction is an experiment in the realm of fear, apprehension, and self-doubt. The few times that I have been willing to engage in the experiment of self-expression (concerning depression and/or mental illness) I have mentally beat myself up afterwards because I think I said the wrong thing at the wrong time to the wrong person. I have a semi-close friend who is very guarded herself about sharing anything beyond what is already seen (she has a farm, raises cattle, has cats, has let me see her apartment, etc. but nothing very personal.) But I have ventured to tell her that I have had problems with depression and can't gauge, really, what her reaction is. Not that she distances herself, because I don't think that's the case; but I'm not sure she understands, either. However, when you never share any personal stuff, the relationship usually doesn't progress very much either, does it? Superficial friendships are better than nothing sometimes, but they leave me wishing for more. Best wishes in your quest to share.
Donna,
Hi! Thanks for replying to my post. :)
I plan on sharing everything, but thank you for the encouragement. Through my writing you'll be able to get to know what I'm struggling with and how I'm dealing with it. The eating play-doh is related to something I've always done ever since I was a child. It's a rare eating disorder called Pica. Besides only briefly telling my therapist about it and writing journal entries, I've not told anyone else about. I have a stash of play-doh containers in my room hidden away. I keep forgetting to secretly dispose of them somewhere.
I'm always doubting myself and beating myself up after a small social interaction, or even a big one. Constantly, dwelling on whether I've said the wrong or right things or how I came off, etc.
No, when I have not truly opened up with another person the relationship does not flourish. I've often tried to open up with people, but they either don't respond or totally ignore what I have said. Of course the past and most recent times I have opened up have been through online communications. There were very few instances when it was a face-to-face situation.
Sorry if I wrote too much. I guess I have a lot going on inside and have a lot to say. :)
Thanks for the post.
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Thank you for your post. I can tell that you are one of those "people with a brain" from the way you express yourself. Btw, it is safe here to share whatever you want to share, whether it is about eating play-doh or fears of opening up. I have the same instincts about "social experiments" with my friends/acquaintances. To me, any social interaction is an experiment in the realm of fear, apprehension, and self-doubt. The few times that I have been willing to engage in the experiment of self-expression (concerning depression and/or mental illness) I have mentally beat myself up afterwards because I think I said the wrong thing at the wrong time to the wrong person. I have a semi-close friend who is very guarded herself about sharing anything beyond what is already seen (she has a farm, raises cattle, has cats, has let me see her apartment, etc. but nothing very personal.) But I have ventured to tell her that I have had problems with depression and can't gauge, really, what her reaction is. Not that she distances herself, because I don't think that's the case; but I'm not sure she understands, either. However, when you never share any personal stuff, the relationship usually doesn't progress very much either, does it? Superficial friendships are better than nothing sometimes, but they leave me wishing for more. Best wishes in your quest to share.