|| 4:35pm ||
Quick entry that I wanted to add from today.
Ralph was in group today. He did the normal hi, how are you a few times to me. For several minutes it was just him and me sitting across from each other. It wasn't as uncomfortable as last week, but still awkward since he was sitting ACROSS from me. He complimented me on my headband, one I've never worn out of the house before. When group was over it appeared that he was going to leave ahead of me. I was trying to be slow because I had hoped he'd leave before me, but I knew he probably was going to wait around for me. So he did the latter. He stood by the store and waited. Someone was getting up near him. I should have just bolted out of there, but I hate drawing attention to myself like that. Something came into my just now I could just try to casually say I've got to get to an appt and then bolt out, but then I'd still be drawing attention to myself and speaking spontaneously in front of everyone. But you know doing those things would be good practice for me and would be completely normal to some people, but not me, so I may have to try it sometime. So when I realized he was waiting for me I really had no other option. I walked toward the door and he said something to me like he normally does and reached his hand out so i could shake his hand. I shook his and smiled and said goodbye. The word "good" came out of my mouth and I have no idea what I was going to say or why I said it. Hopefully, he didn't hear me because that could be sending a message that I like him shaking my hand or I like him. Ugh. I have a huge germaphobe hate shaking hands, but i also don't want to shake someone's hand that likes me. So I could also bring up the fact that I'm a germaphobe and don't like shaking hands with people OR getting hugs from people. Not sure if he's ever hugged me before. But I really didn't want to tell him that in front of another group member.
When I got into the room Andy, the guy I made a thank-you for, was in the room. It also really stuck in the room. I felt awkward around Andy because I was hoping he'd acknowledge card or I was hoping I could ask him if he got it. So I'm still unsure if he got it. I was thinking about calling his home and cell phone and leaving a message saying that I had meant to ask him when I saw him in the group room if he got my card. BUT I would hang up the phone if he answered. That's how bad i am with being on the phone. I would also use my cell phone so in case I did get him and hang up on him and he'd call me back he'd only be calling my cell phone and not my home phone where my parents would see him calling. So yeah. Maybe i'll call tomorrow because I don't want to call today because my mom's here and she'd wonder why I was on the phone because I don't talk to anyone and no one calls me.
I have it down to ask Dianna this:
With Ralph..Should I 1) go back to normal, as he never asked me out, and just ignore any compliments or things that make me uncomfortable, AND maybe be assertive and tell him it makes me uncomfortable? 2) back off and not go back to normal and only offer generic, basic info in conversations?
Strawberries, I was wondering why it was traumatizing when Ralph asked you out. Was it because of his age? Or was it just because someone asked you out? If it was only the latter, maybe it would help to think about the fact that a lot of guys are afraid to ask a girl out and feel that they're taking a big risk; they can get their egos crushed by rejection.
If it was because of his age, was wondering if you'd had any bad experiences with older men in the past. When I was young, I was molested by several different men who were in their 50's and above and for years, old men scared me, even my grandfather. Hey, well now I'm over 60 so hopefully it doesn't bother me any more.
Anyway, I'm not making light of it, but was just wondering.
Here's a little back information on the whole Ralph thing. I have not posted any of this on HC.
I'm sorry, but this is the only other way I can explain it. I have copied and pasted various paragraphs from my other online journal.
Ralph decided to show up for group today. He's an older gentlemen and involved in compeer. He's very kind. Every time we meet at an activity he says hello with my name and shakes me hand. I hate that because of my OCD germ issues, but he seems very polite. I've run into him outside the mh center and compeer and he always offers that I can call him anytime if I need anything.
I sent him a Christmas card. He was in the bunch with the people who have been nice to me with Compeer that I sent cards to. I have a feeling the card he got from me made him feel really special. I also have a feeling he went out to buy a card special to send to me in response. I'm not sure where he bought the card because it has a torn off yellow price label on the back. I don't know of any place that sells cards with price labels on them. His card also contained an "odd" message:
***** Tank (he actually wrote that rather than "Thank") you so much for your card. I enjoyed it so much. I really hope you have a great christmas. You loving friend (that's what I thought was odd) Ralph. If you want to talk sometime my phone number is----Please call!! With loving care. Ralph!
So I could tell he was waiting on me or waiting for the right time to say something to me. As I got up to put on my coat and scoot my chair in he then said (at least I think this is what he said because he mumbling) either I'd like to take you to the movies sometime or I'd like you to thin about me taking you to the movies. He then mentioned if I had his number and I said I did and kept the card he gave me with his number in it. I haven't given him my number ever. I think I said how I'd think about it or maybe or i dont remember exactly what I said. He said that I should think about it.
I don't know I get the impression maybe he likes me more than friend. You know it's stupid that I've never been in this kind of situation with anyone...Like to me, in my generation, if a guy/girl my age asks me that question it usually means they're wanting to get to know me or asking me out on a date... Is this correct in thinking this way? IDK. Since I've never been "asked out" or asked if I wanted to go to the movies before. I also don't get this impression just from our interaction today. Not just today, but it appears he's always glancing at me or waiting for me to respond or IDK. Like he's not talking and then waiting for my to respond..I'm not that socially incapable. Neither of us are talking and he will glance at me. Maybe he just wants to be friends, but doesn't know how to go about it because of the age difference. It makes it weird to me because he's an old man. I've always liked Ralph (friend-wise or in general). He's kind, a true gentlemen, considerate, caring, polite. So I don't know how to go about all this or what I should do. Obviously, it wouldn't bother me if I were to never see him again or if we had been chatting in the waiting room, but he's in my group so I'll see him for the next month or so. I think any guy that would ask me to think about going to the movies with me would freak me out. I mean if I knew a guy around my age in place of Ralph, I'd still find it weird. But it's incredibly uncomfortable and weird for an old man to ask me. I'm not sure if he's married, gay, a widow, dating anyone. I've wondered, but never knew how to ask.
As I was attempting to go to bed early last night I ended up obsessing about the whole Ralph thing. I got onto my ipod to try to find out his age. I googled him and thought the board of elections posted ages but I didn't find anything. There was a page that came up on Google under myreunion.com and in the summary it had his name and age 81. But you know how the google entry search results contain lots of random words. i don't think he's 80. But because my grandparents are so feeble, I'm not exactly sure what a normal 80 year old looks like. I was thinking more like 60 or 70(?) maybe? I thought about emailing someone in Compeer and I did, but she didn't know. I will email the leader, I'm not sure she can release that info, although she gave me everyone's mailing addresses. The one person I emailed said I should ask him. Uhm no. I keep going through scenarios of him hitting on me and me aggressively and assertively telling me he can't do this/that and me telling him how i think he's nice and kind, but he can't do that/this to me...Crazy, I know, but it's all very odd to me. Why do I have to get random "get together's" from old men. I don't find it at all complimentary. No matter how good I looked or felt. I'm not that desperate.
I would not feel comfortable hanging out with him on a one-on-one basis. I think it's the male-female contact even if it is just as friends. I've only ever, kind of, been in a male-female, one-on-one situation with a gay guy.
Therapy was good. I'm growing and she sees it and I'm able to recognize it, too. I'm confronting her, asking her questions, and asking her things that I need clarification on on how she's responding to what I share. Everything was fine until I brought up the Ralph. She thinks it's a date-thing too. I cried a ton and I'm not exactly sure she knew it would have affected me like it did. I was having a horrible time reading my entry and then she asked why I was getting upset. It was to the point of crying where I couldn't catch my breathe. I wasn't gasping for air, but I felt like it was hard to catch my breath inside.
She told me what I need to tell him in response or in the future. I told her that I don't think I can do that. I mentioned how it would nice to get a third party involved. But then she talked about how that wouldn't be good and then I agreed and spoke about how it would be inappropriate. I said that if he had done something REALLY inappropriate then yeah maybe getting a third party involved would be fine. But I told her the only way I'd be able to pull it off would be sending him a letter. She talked about what I should say. Usually I would have just tried to remember or write it my own way, but I asked her if she could help me compose a letter and she did. I was very grateful for that, but wasn't able to express it. Usually I would have had my mom do something like that, but I haven't even told me mom so it's good that dianna did that for me. I want to tell my mom about all this, but I don't know how. Dianna gave me some ideas but I'm not even sure I will be able to do it. To the outsider it's really not a big deal, probably. But to me it's almost like I've been violated, taken advantage of or something. I've never been raped or sexually abused so don't get offended when I say this, but this is almost the equivalent of that in my mind. It's pretty traumatic. And it may not make sense to anyone else, but this is kind of huge for me. I'm worried that it will be awkward between ralph and I after I've sent the letter.
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Okay sorry that I pretty much posted a whole entry to your comment.
It disturbed me because of his age and because a guy asked me out. I've not had any abuse in my past so it's not from that. This guy is probably in his 60s. My therapist says that this gentlemen has asked a girl around my age out in the past. She also said that he's very flirtatious to women and she also said he shouldn't/wouldn't do anything inappropriate to me.
No problem. I'm sure it's hard to understand my posts when I've just started posting my entries.
Thanks for commenting!
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Strawberries, I was wondering why it was traumatizing when Ralph asked you out. Was it because of his age? Or was it just because someone asked you out? If it was only the latter, maybe it would help to think about the fact that a lot of guys are afraid to ask a girl out and feel that they're taking a big risk; they can get their egos crushed by rejection.
If it was because of his age, was wondering if you'd had any bad experiences with older men in the past. When I was young, I was molested by several different men who were in their 50's and above and for years, old men scared me, even my grandfather. Hey, well now I'm over 60 so hopefully it doesn't bother me any more. Anyway, I'm not making light of it, but was just wondering.