Hi Everybody,
I am so so so scared right now. I tried starting therapy about a month ago, and it just felt so awkward trying to explain why I was there visiting the therapist. I went to two different therapists in one week, as I've been told that you have to "shop" for a therapist. I didn't feel comfortable talking to either of them really and was never really able to share a lot of how I've been feeling because I am not truly sure whether they can help. There's just so much shame and guilt in my heart and mind right now though I know no one's perfect. Being depressed and wanting so much to escape all the negativity out there has resulted in me being pretty irresponsible with my own life, though I seem to consistently go above and beyond for everyone else. I will give my last dollar to a friend while I fall behind on my own mortgage...I just want so much to make other people happy I guess, thinking that I'll get some happiness seeing others happy.
And the things I've failed to do for myself have now become so serious that I'm at risk of losing all that I have. I always hold it together for everyone else, but I just can't get myself together. And I'm afraid that no one will believe me and think that I'm using depression as an excuse for not doing the things that I need to do. But I can really see now that it has impacted my decision making on so many levels.
No, I haven't done anything harmful to anyone else, or even physically harmful to myself (except drink too much Coke, and eat too many cupcakes)...but I have two businesses that are in trouble because I haven't been good about keeping up with all my paperwork. But my clients are really happy with my work, ironically. I can only imagine how disappointed they would be in me if they knew. My family would be so upset with me. And I just feel so burdened by it all. But I just want to make them happy, and I've done a great job at that so far, but to my own detriment. I've helped countless friends through school, helped people out of debt, and am taking care of someone else's child as if he were my own. But I can't get myself straight!
Just ashamed that I have let it get this bad, and I am afraid of bringing shame upon myself and my family. It's not that I'm tired of helping others...I love doing that. I'd just like to realize my own potential and overcome this big mess I've made for myself. I would be lying if I said I didn't need any compassion. I do...and I think that's been part of the problem...I'm afraid no one will understand and think I'm a bad person.
Scared of medication, scared of not finding a therapist who can help, and scared of nothing working, scared of losing it all.
Hope someone out there has some insight. Thanks so much for your time, and thanks in advance if you respond.
Hi, Newboots! It sounds like you've hit the point where you know something has to give - that's the first step. I'm sure every one of us here has felt ashamed of being depressed; I know sometimes that I'm afraid I'm making it up to get out of doing things. Yet, there is nothing fun at all about it. One suggestion I would make to you is that you talk to one therapist at a time - there is no way to tell if it's the right person for you after one visit, believe me. I've been in therapy a long time and it took me a long time to really be able to talk; sometimes I used to write letters instead. Give it five or six visits and see if you start feeling a little more trusting of the person, don't be afraid to say that you are ashamed and afraid to talk - you wouldn't believe what a relief that is, to get that out. Maybe at this point, if you liked either of them AT ALL, pick that one and go back for a few more weeks and see how it feels. You can change your mind at any point if you think it isn't working out. I know it's kind of a pain to switch, but you don't really have to start all over again, just start from where you're at and the blanks will get filled in. I went to one therapist for six years before switching and I did end up going over some of the same things, but in such different ways and realized that the first one actually made things worse for me, so it took a long time to trust the next one. All you have to tell a therapist when you start is that you're feeling ashamed, etc., and some of the reasons why and that you want to start taking care of yourself.
People here are very willing to listen, so any time you want to talk about anything, please feel free. We've had a wide variety of experiences, so don't feel shy about bringing anything up. Thanks for coming here and hope we'll here more from you. Let us know what we can do to help.