Morning 'meltdowns'

Hi - I have been doing better with my depression - had a rough 6 months or so - hospitalized twice, and then went to intensive outpatient - slowly feeling better, but still - the depression is allways there.  It seems that most mornings - I'm not even sure why - I just find myself crying, and grieving.  For people I've lost in the last few years -especially an aunt and an uncle who took his own life - and a cat that felt like a soul mate.  I just totally melt down.  I don't know why I'm grieving so much right now...and sometimes I'm just so tired - like I've lived a thousand lifetimes in my 44 years, and just really don't want anymore.  Like I'm ready to go HOME.  I'm not actively suicidal.  I am just finding it really hard to want to be here.  I hate to sound like I'm whining.  I just wanted to write - where people might understand....  thanks for listening.

Mara