I'm starting to get scared.....

Merely me,

Sometimes just hearing hang in there helps...this is not forever. I respect you so much, thanks for your caring.  My worst fear is that I will continue to go down - you know - to a deeper depression where I have certainly been way too many times in this life....when I'm feeling ok, it's still always in the back of my head that it's always a possibility... so when I feel myself going down a bit - more depressed, I get scared... that I could end up in the hospital feeling suicidal.  I'm nowhere near that now, but the depression is creeping in a bit.  My new psychiatrist seems wonderful so far, and I feel cared for and taken care of.  Again, thank you for your caring.  It means so much.

Mara

Can I just share with you?   I had to change providers because the APRN I was seeing did not get back to me for days - the second time this happened - and I never call...I couldn't swallow - literally. I'm so sensitive to meds - it was a side effect from the risperdal - I ended up in the ER...trust is such a huge issue. She finally TEXT MESSAGED me that she was too sick to talk right now.  No one covering - nothing.  I was sexually abused by a social worker when I was 19 (I'm 44 now, but it still affects me) and so having to find another provider - still a bit scarey as well.   So I put it off as long as I could....I think I'm lucky with this psych.  She seems very competent. And I have a wonderful therapist - for years now. So all of that combined - I'm shakey and faultering a bit right now.    Thanks for listening to me....I just needed a safe place to vent.

Mara

Dear Sally,

Than you so much for your response.  No, I'm not thinking of hurting myself - been there, but not now.  Your understanding brought me to tears....  I too believe there is a reason for all of this - this whole life of mine....Sally, it's been so hard sometimes, and you are right, no one can understand unless they've been there, so I want to thank you so very much for your caring.  I means so much to me right now.

Mara

Now I haven't quite found the purpose for all this. I,myself, haven't gotten out of bed for 3 days. I have a lot of pain and get very scared myself. I used to tell myself that God just wanted me to slow down, enjoy his world, etc. Well, I'm really slowed down and if I slow down much more, they'll have to put a mirror under my nose to see if I'm still alive.

I'm starting onall newmeds this week. I had a terrible drug interaction andtold them we just needed to start from scratch. I guess I'm on low doses to start withbutsurecouldyou some serious perking up.

I do hope your feeling better. Maybe spring......

Aww, Sally, I'm so so sorry you are feeling so badly.  I know what that is like - not getting out of my bed for days at a time.  Is it physical too?  Your meds should start kicking in....I hope they are the right combonation for you this time.  I'll be praying for and thinking of you...  I know there is a reason for each of us...  you hang in there too.....

Mara

P.S.

Please let me know how you are making out, ok?  I care too.