I'm starting to get scared.....

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Wed, February 04, 2009

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Hi everyone,

I feel myself slipping a little - my meds had to be changed because of a very bad side effect, and the last time I posted I was feeling so much better. Every time I feel myself slipping even a little - I'm actually feeling the depression a bit - I get scared, because I know what that could possibly lead to. I'm trying to do everything I need to do to stay healthy, but so much for me is chemical. So....I'm a bit freaked right now - which doesn't help with the anxiety, I know. On top of that, I had to find a new psychiatrist....that's never easy. I haven't had the best experiences with providers, so....trust is a big deal. But I'm really trying. Just isolating some....yea, scared.

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Merely Me

2/ 4/09 6:18pm

I am sorry you are feeling scared. What is your worst fear?

Sounds like you are going through a lot. I am hoping your new psychiatrist will be a good one and help you.

Please hang in there...

Mara

2/ 6/09 10:26am

Merely me,

Sometimes just hearing hang in there helps...this is not forever. I respect you so much, thanks for your caring. My worst fear is that I will continue to go down - you know - to a deeper depression where I have certainly been way too many times in this life....when I'm feeling ok, it's still always in the back of my head that it's always a possibility... so when I feel myself going down a bit - more depressed, I get scared... that I could end up in the hospital feeling suicidal. I'm nowhere near that now, but the depression is creeping in a bit. My new psychiatrist seems wonderful so far, and I feel cared for and taken care of. Again, thank you for your caring. It means so much.

Mara

2/ 6/09 10:36am

Can I just share with you? I had to change providers because the APRN I was seeing did not get back to me for days - the second time this happened - and I never call...I couldn't swallow - literally. I'm so sensitive to meds - it was a side effect from the risperdal - I ended up in the ER...trust is such a huge issue. She finally TEXT MESSAGED me that she was too sick to talk right now. No one covering - nothing. I was sexually abused by a social worker when I was 19 (I'm 44 now, but it still affects me) and so having to find another provider - still a bit scarey as well. So I put it off as long as I could....I think I'm lucky with this psych. She seems very competent. And I have a wonderful therapist - for years now. So all of that combined - I'm shakey and faultering a bit right now. Thanks for listening to me....I just needed a safe place to vent.

Mara

SallyE

2/ 5/09 11:13am

I wish I could give you the answers you so need. I need them too. When you you're scared its not becase your thinking of hurting yourself are you. Don't stoop to that. I do believe there is a reason for all this crap we go through. Just can't find it yet. I,too,am scared I'll never enjoy things again. I also resent being so weak emotionally and physically. I was the always the strong one. I think I cold win an Oscar for all the acting I try to do so I can try and function. This seems like a good place to talk especially because everyone here has been there and you don'tfeelas if your jusy whining at home.I don't think anyone else uunderstands unless you've been there.

Good luck. There are people you don't even know that care. I'm one of them. Sally

Mara

2/ 6/09 10:21am

Dear Sally,

Than you so much for your response. No, I'm not thinking of hurting myself - been there, but not now. Your understanding brought me to tears.... I too believe there is a reason for all of this - this whole life of mine....Sally, it's been so hard sometimes, and you are right, no one can understand unless they've been there, so I want to thank you so very much for your caring. I means so much to me right now.

Mara

SallyE

2/ 6/09 1:00pm

Now I haven't quite found the purpose for all this. I,myself, haven't gotten out of bed for 3 days. I have a lot of pain and get very scared myself. I used to tell myself that God just wanted me to slow down, enjoy his world, etc. Well, I'm really slowed down and if I slow down much more, they'll have to put a mirror under my nose to see if I'm still alive.

I'm starting onall newmeds this week. I had a terrible drug interaction andtold them we just needed to start from scratch. I guess I'm on low doses to start withbutsurecouldyou some serious perking up.

I do hope your feeling better. Maybe spring......

Mara

2/ 6/09 3:39pm

Aww, Sally, I'm so so sorry you are feeling so badly. I know what that is like - not getting out of my bed for days at a time. Is it physical too? Your meds should start kicking in....I hope they are the right combonation for you this time. I'll be praying for and thinking of you... I know there is a reason for each of us... you hang in there too.....

Mara

P.S.

Please let me know how you are making out, ok? I care too.

I'm starting to get scared.....

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