I recently broke up with my boyfriend because it was what I thought was the best thing to do for both of us. I suffer from panic attacks, OCD, PTSD and have had clinical depression and anxiety since I was 13. I have been twice hospitalized for my depression in my 20's. Recently, I had a major depressive episode, and my boyfriend recently came out as an alcoholic. He has had issues with low self image, low self esteem and lack of self confidence and other tell tale signs of being depressed as well. Both he and I really only felt good around each other and my self esteem was based largely on how he treated me and how much he cared about me and loved me. It was quite co-dependent on both our parts - I was starting to put my issues on the back burner and wanted to work on his well being, and he didn't go to AA while we were together. I started to go down hill more while we were dating, ignoring my own emotional well being. I felt that even though I love him, I love BOTH of us and myself enough to see that we both have emotional health issues in our lives that we need to address as individuals and work on ourselves and heal before it would be wise to be in a relationship. He said he understood, but at this time needed a clean break and we haven't spoken since. I heard through the grapevine he wants to go to AA and help himself and that "maybe someday" he & I can get back together. I feel guilty about breaking things off even though it was for the best interests of both of us at this time since we both are dealing with things we need to address for ourselves. Has anyone else been through this? Having the guilt and residual depression of breaking up with someone? Even though I did so we each can help ourselves and put our health first and seeing that being in a relationship right now is not what is best for us? I still feel like crap and like the bad guy that I ended up hurting him, but sometimes I think "maybe someday when we have our lives in order we can get back together?" I wonder if that is even healthy to think that way? Just wondering if anyone else has experienced this or something similar? Thank you so much for your help! :-)
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Your boyfriend needed for you to do this so he could grow and let you grow. Why feel guilty just because you're one step ahead of him and finally see the light. One of you has to, you're codependent! If he loves you and wants to be with you then he'll have to face his own fears. You can't do that for him, you have enough on your plate taking care of YOU!
Most of all my relationship patterns follow that of mental illness and/or behavioral problems and addiction, myself included. I almost had my life together until I fell into another trap with a very sick individual. I tried to stay sober to help this person out of a drug addiction but he drove me fricken nuts with his chaotic life style. You throw ADHD into the equation with a meth addicted trouble inflicted person and you've got the makings of a hurricane float! If you have low self-esteem or borderline personality, you're just going to keep going around in circles trying to make it work--codependency--like you said.
So count yourself lucky that you had the balls--the courage to be the one who stood up and said, "hey this isn't workin' here, somebody needs to do something about it." You haven't done anything wrong. You weren't mean to him. So you have nothing to feel guilty about.
I tell you, the best thing I've ever done for myself has been to get single and not rely on someone else to make me happy. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. It's scarey and lonely at first but not impossible. It took me pert near a year to adjust, but I did, and I began to like myself for the first time. For the first time, I started puting my energy into some hobbies that I could be proud of.
Taking care of a sick boyfriend especially if you have your own issues, I've come to realize, is not something to be proud of. It just doesn't work. In fact, as I look back at the creatures I dated I realize just how sick they were and how sick I was, and how sick I was to stay with them for as long as I did. It gets easier and easier to dump them (sorry to be so frank), once you are aware of this pattern, and you suddenly realize how much you've grown.
Like they say in AA and NA--it's your time to be selfish. IT IS ALL ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. You take care of number one first and then you can help someone else. Let yourself feel the pain for once and be o.k. with that and let it out, and the freedom will come. If he's been to AA then he's heard this before too, and he knows what he has to do, but he has to make the choice to do it. His pain and suffering and recovery is not your responsibility. Tell him to get a sponsor and if he chooses not to then he has made a choice--not your responsibility.
Your boyfriend will be fine. Just tell him you're not going anywhere, you love him and you just need to work on your stuff. So stick to your guns and go work on YOUl Good Luck!
Thank you so much! I sent you a message to your box!