where do i start

By Doug Wednesday, December 10, 2008

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Bi-polar, Depressed, I've been this way as long as I can remember, I guess i got the genes from my Dads side of the family,I am 47 now and there is not enough room on this computer for all the torment i have been thru, I am up, I am down,lately more down and moody than ever before, I can't stand to feel this way anymore, Medications did work for the time, but now I do not have insurance so I can't afford the $100.00 every month, I have a wife and two boys to support, and i guess i have to prioritize things, its kinda funny they can discover a pill to help, but its so expensive i cant have it.( kinda like dangling a carrott in front of ya? I want to be happy......and not just for a day or two, can't kill myself cause, I would'nt put my boys thru that,I'm really trying but it just keeps beating me down.any thoughts will help.

Comments (18) | Add comment

psychoward1

12/10/08 5:11pm

There are a lot of resources that can help you get your meds at a very reduced price sometimes even for free.

Check with your doctor or the company that makes your medication. I take lexapro and my doc is always giving me free samples of it and I am submitting an app for somewhere around 100 free pills. Then I do it again.

Check into it.

Good luck,

Pat

tony2014fan

12/10/08 5:58pm

Doug,

I am 49 and spent most of my life in a downward spiral. I have been chasing the happy feeling for so long and it never comes. Try and live one minute, hour, day at a time. People who have never suffered this way do not understand. I too would like to be happy for more than a day. Have not ever found the majic pill cure yet and no to can not afford my medications. I have insurance and with the doctor visits it comes to 250 dollars a month. It is far cry from if I had no insurance but still can not afford it.

Happy to hear that you would not put your children threw it. I can tell you that when the desperate feelings come over me it is harder and harder to control. You may never find complete happiness but enjoy the good days and hopefully they will come more often for you.

Wish you peace in this time.

Janel

Doug

12/10/08 6:22pm

Thank you for your kind words, I guess i am really not alone.

Dawn

12/10/08 6:29pm

Please do check with your doctor's office about getting free meds. My daughter who is 21 gets free meds from the drug company. The program is called bridge to access. Here are two inernet sites for it:

Bridgetoaccess.com or gskforyou.com

Doug

12/10/08 6:55pm

Thank you! I am so surprised that people responded to my post, I feel better just knowing the world is not as ugly, and dark as I thought.

dawn

12/10/08 8:46pm

Sometimes we do feel that the world is ugly and dark. Then the kindness of people remind us that the world isn't so bad. Take care, dawn

Dixie

12/11/08 11:32am

Hi Doug, I've battled major depression for most of my adult life. I know that I inherited the gene as well. My mother was suicidal and my father asn alcoholic. As a former nurse(I'm on disability now,) who worked in a doctor's office, I would ask the doctor for samples. Or you could ask your DR. or Pharmacist if it comes in generic form? You really need the medicine with bi-polar or any type of depression to function properly! Hang in there and know that people do care! Dixie

Maureen

12/11/08 12:15pm

Dear Doug,

I am writing because I understand the illness, the disease. It's good that you acknowledge you have it (so did my Dad who did commit suicide). Your children would DEFINITELY miss you. I acknowledge the struggle and "torment".

I would like to make a suggestion on the medication. Alot of drug companies have programs for people who cannot afford medication. They cut costs or send you a voucher to bring to the pharmacist for which they take partial or full responsibility. I am currently being helped by AstraZeneca and there are others. Doctors can also be good about samples or sometimes can issue you vouchers also.

Please try for yourself and your family.

Anonymous

12/11/08 1:06pm

I want you to know there are millions of us out here with the same problem to some degree. We probably feel all alone and isolated, I know I do most of the time. I have read those who have commented and I agree you should ask your doctor for samples and the other suggestions.

I am most concerned with the killing yourself comments. I have been there so many times myself. Depending on your religious beliefs there reasons why I'm still here. I believe in recarnation even though I am a Catholic. If one takes their own life you come right back basically into the same situation. Being a Catholic to me this would be the ultimate hell. Anyway I'm not one to quit! So here I am until God decides that I have done my best to survive and to make the most of this cross given to me. I have been carrying this for a very very long time. I just turned 60 in October and I stuck around because of my children also. Now I have 11 grandchildren to live for. Please try to find something good everyday even if it's something small like wow I really enjoyed that tv show.

My most sincere thoughts for you.

rev soc bloem

12/11/08 5:30pm

Dear Doug,

You struck a chord among those who suffer mental illness. William Styron in his book, Darkness Visible, a Memoir of Madness said that depression should be called a

Brain storm. I think it also could be called a fire storm.

I went from 1985 to 2000 with horrible depression. My psychiatrist finally found the right mix; I am on two SSRIs, Buspar and Serequel. Astra Zeneca gives me medications for free because I am low income and have no insurance.

God lets us go through the horror of depression, so we can help others.

My wife and I wrote a book called Broken Minds, Hope for Healing When You Feel Like You're Losing It. Our story of deep trouble and deliverance are in the book.

Please check our website out http://www.heartfeltcounselingministries.com

Steve Bloem

Doug

12/11/08 9:49pm

thank you for your comments, sometimes the kind words of strangers helps alot.

Ms. Therapist

12/11/08 6:04pm

Doug:

If the meds help, there are ways to get it as many of the comments suggest. There are free resources available. You need not suffer so much. In addition, therapy would be helpful, learning CBT - Cognitive Behavioral Therapy - is known to reduce depression and with the combination of medicine and CBT, you can be cured. There are ways to get therapy for a copay or if you dial 211 - a terrific resource - they will help you find resources for your needs in your area. (This is a great resource for everyone all over the country.) It's important you learn ways to heal yourself as your children, whom you clearly care about, may also have inherited the gene and by your learning to handle your depression, they can learn how to take care of themselves. Also, NAMI, the National Association for the Mentally Ill (not such a great name) is the best organization you will ever find to help you. They know more than most doctors and know where to send you to get help. nami.org online. Get help, Doug, suffering is a horrible thing for you and your family.

Good luck and Happy, healthy holidays.

anniebee62

12/11/08 6:42pm

Hi Doug,

I am 46 and have been dealing with major depression/bipolar disorder on and off since I was 8 years old. Since age 25 it has been constant. I have been on many different meds, most of which helped for a while, but not forever. Currently I am on Lithium which I just got 3 months (90 capsules generic) from Walmart for $10. I am also on Lamictal, which is also generic now and I think it was about $20 for one month. Check Walmart, Walgreens, Kroger, and any other store who has a pharmacy and see if they have meds you need on the $4/month or $10/3 months program, then take the list to your Dr and see if he can prescribe something on the list that will work for you. I was opposed to taking Lithium because I think it has a stigma attached to it in the general population as being a drug for "crazy" people, but it has helped me a lot.Have you tried the county health department for help with meds? I don't know if they do that, but they might know how you can get help.

I am very familiar with the suicidal feelings. I have been very close to attempting it, but always think of my Mom and my children before I do anything. I also have a co-worker whose husband took a bunch of pills to kill himself and ended up in the ER and ICU for a few days, then 2 weeks later, ended up with a blood clot (ICU again!) because the drugs he took to commit suicide slowed his circulation down just enough to create a clot. I figure I would probably be like him and mess it up and end up worse off than when I started. I hope making friends on this board will help you because I know what it is like to be surrounded by people who have no idea what it is like to live with the feelings that you are never really happy, you can't do anything right, everyone would be better off without you, etc. At least the people on here seem to understand that. Hang in there!

Doug

12/11/08 9:57pm

Thank you for your words and time, I will make a point to stop at wall mart to see about discounted medications tommorrow, as I stated they worked before it was just to expensive, but for your help, I will go to bed tonight hoping, that there could be a chance I might get on an even keel again This web site has helped alot in just a short time,just knowing that others care, and feel the same way is a great help. and being able to write it out helps also, again Thank you to all who responded, surley there is a special place for you all in heaven.

Anonymous

12/11/08 11:48pm

Doug and all who commented,

I am 53 and have lived for many, many years with depression which has never been diagnosed. While it is somewhat comforting to hear of others who feel the same, do you really feel that we can feel better and happy?

I feel as though I will never get that weight lifted off of me. I wish all of you who read this that the weight, sadness, or whatever demons you might have be lifted away.

anniebee62

12/12/08 7:20pm

I will have to say, with my meds, I have felt better, but not really what I consider truly happy. I think I have forgotten what it feels like, honestly. I have moments when I laugh or feel ok, but not truely happy. Maybe I need my meds adjusted too. A lot of people seem to think that if you want to be happy you can, but they obviously haven't lived with this disease. I have finally come to accept that it is a disease like diabetes or any other chronic disease that will need treatment for the rest of my life. There will be some decent times and a lot of bad ones.

DelDot

12/21/08 4:19pm

Doug:

I understand -- I know where you are coming from. First of all, check with the manufacturer of the Medicine. Some of them will offer a discount or free.

Then look around your area for a support group. It took me a while but I found one locally in the weekly paper that lists support groups. I find it is helpful and often one person can offer a suggestion to another that can help them. Also, go to the Library and look for books written by people with depression/bi-polar.

Good Luck

DelDot

Melanie

1/ 1/09 2:33pm

I understand being unable to afford medications. I have been able to get them through the state at very reduced rates. Have you looked into anything like this? I will note that the state will not give you what I consider top of the line drugs (the best ones are often the most expensive) but it is better than nothing if your income is within their specified range.

where do i start

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