I have been thinking a lot about my life over the past two weeks. I have decided to make changes, kind of like cleaning house. I want to move on from my illness and start a new life. Am I crazy for wanting this? The doctors told me I will always be sick. I will be in and out of the hospital for the rest of my life. Am I aiming to high to expect that once I work through my issues I can be free from my diagnosis? I am currently diagnosed with PTSD, Severe Dismorphic Depression, Schizoaffective, and Borderline Personality Disorder.
One of things I did to change my life is enroll in school. It is something I have wanted to do since before I got sick. I feel like now is the time. Maybe I won't be sick anymore if I have something to do everyday. I am going to school for my bachelors in psychology. I figure it will help me to understand what goes on in my mind. I am not trying to diagnose myself, just understand.
Another thing I changed is my dating situation. I broke up with my boyfriend today because I feel like I really need to focus on myself. I need to work through the issues that haunt me. I need to put myself first. I can't be in a relationship if I don't even know about myself. I need time to focus!
The last thing I have decided is to not be sick anymore. Maybe I am arrogant. Maybe I am just fooling myself. I just will not allow myself to be sick anymore. I am going to work on myself and get over the things in my past. I have lost too much in the past few years and I can not afford to have anything else taken from me.
Wow, so I just reread what I typed and I think I sound a little crazy. I know I want to change things but to be honest I don't even know where to begin! Maybe if I just stay focused on myself I can figure out my life. I can break the ties that I feel the doctors have placed on me by saying that I will be sick for the rest of my life. I am choosing to stand up to this.
I don't think you're crazy for wanting to prove your doctors wrong. I think your doctors are being very insensitive by saying you will be hospitalized off and on through your life. It sounds like you have accepted your mental problems and are willing to do whatever it takes to make yourself better. I do have one question about your breakup with your boyfriend. Was he supportive of your mental condition? If he was supportive and helpful, it may be good to keep him around. If he wasn't, getting rid of him will help. I'm speaking from experience on that one. All I can say is I'm happy for you to want to overcome your problems, but pace yourself. If you push yourself too hard and put your expectations to high, it can be counter productive. Good luck in your quest to get better.
Thanks for the positive words. As far as my boyfriend goes he was supportive of my mental health but didn't fully understand what I was dealing with. We had a great talk today and are going to continue to be in each others lives. We have dated here and there for 15 years, so I have no doubts that he will continue to be a great friend.