Well I went out last night to a really fun place on the River Walk. I went with a bunch of Air Force people and my best friend. It was like a slap in the face. I realized last night that I am not over my Air Force past. I miss the friendships that I had and I miss those times where I got to be wild and crazy. Above all I miss the time when I wasn't sick.
I came home and cried my eyes out last night. That never would have happened before. I would have partied all night. Last night I was sad.
Maybe the doctor is right. Maybe I shouldn't expect to be any better than I am now. I am a giant mix of emotions today. I am angry for even thinking that the doctors might be right. I am sad because I miss my old life.
I got a new tattoo on Friday. It says courage and has a borage flower, which stands for courage. I got it to remind myself that I have the courage to keep fighting. But honestly I feel like throwing in the towel. How much more can I take? How many times can I go from feeling like I'm on cloud 9 to feeling like I just got hit by a truck.
I usually know what I need to do to make myself feel better. But today, not so much. I just don't know what to do. I really don't even care.
What kind of doctor would tell you to not expect to be any better than you are. ISN'T THE REASON WE GO TO DOCTORS AT ALL IS TO FEEL BETTER THAN WE ARE? First of all, you might want to find a doctor who actually expects to be able to help you. Your's seems to have a kind of "what's the use?" attitude.
Of course you can feel better. Witness me: I am better. Much better. Better than I ever thought I would or could be. I thought I was trapped deep inside the mother-cave of depression where there was no light, no hope, no future. With the help of therapy, my psychiatrist and medication, I have become a champion spelunker and climbed all the way back to the top. There is light again. There is hope again. There is a future.
Sure it takes a willingness to work at it. It takes courage and fortitude. But you have those qualities. We are supportive of you here. Keep writing. Keep climbing. Keep hoping. It's hard when you miss the "good old days" and remember friends and partying all night and really enjoying life. All of that is still there waiting for you. Depression is really a kick in the guts, where it hurts. You just have to stand up and kick it back. It is not "positive thinking" but it is getting up and getting out and pursuing what you really want. Don't let depression or any doctor make you believe life-as-you-knew-it is over. Make new friends. Find things to celebrate -- you are an amazing creature to be given life in this world-without-end universe.
Be good to yourself today. Do something good for yourself. Go eat ice cream if that makes you feel happier. Write a letter to a friend you haven't seen in a while. Read up on antidepressants so you can converse with your doctor on what to try next (if your present med doesn't work.) Find a therapist who is supportive and tell her everything. It will be a relief. I know. I have been there.
Donna
Oh yes Donna
Thats what I'm talking about, I like your line of thinking (get up and kick back)
-Michel-