I was diagnosed with severe dysmorphic depression last year and haven't found any relief. I'm currently undergoing electroconvulsive therapy twice a week and even that isn't seeming to help. In the past month I have been contemplating suicide and have been scrathing my arms to the point of leaving scars. I need someone to talk to that can relate to my situation. I've tried to talk with my doctors but all they seem to say is that I've tried just about all of the anti-depression medicine and they don't know what to do. I just need someone to talk to!
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Can anyone help me?
2/26/09 4:44am
9/27/09 1:35pm
Hi Patty,
I am so sorry for your sadness. I have not experienced depression as you discribed, but I suffer from it in different ways. Please know that I don't know you, but I care. I care that you are hurting, I care that you are sad and feeling lost and frustrated. It's a bit strange sometimes talking to someone about such personal issues that you don't know....but we are all going through something. Keep writing, keep asking advice and venting....sometimes the smallest things help. I'm here to talk to no matter what the issue. I know sometimes you just want it to just go away, maybe just feel a little bit of "normal". I know sometimes I see groups of friends laughing and talking and thinking that I want to be like them. I want to be happy.
Please don't hurt yourself, maybe through your problems, someone on this website will need you.....really, really need you.
I am an extremly sinsative person, I sometimes think the better word would be empathetic. So I feel very sad reading your post. Please keep trying.
9/27/09 1:35pm
Hi Patty,
I am so sorry for your sadness. I have not experienced depression as you discribed, but I suffer from it in different ways. Please know that I don't know you, but I care. I care that you are hurting, I care that you are sad and feeling lost and frustrated. It's a bit strange sometimes talking to someone about such personal issues that you don't know....but we are all going through something. Keep writing, keep asking advice and venting....sometimes the smallest things help. I'm here to talk to no matter what the issue. I know sometimes you just want it to just go away, maybe just feel a little bit of "normal". I know sometimes I see groups of friends laughing and talking and thinking that I want to be like them. I want to be happy.
Please don't hurt yourself, maybe through your problems, someone on this website will need you.....really, really need you.
I am an extremly sinsative person, I sometimes think the better word would be empathetic. So I feel very sad reading your post. Please keep trying.
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HI, I'm Chris, I too suffer from major depression, and i too have undergone ECT. I also have taken just about every anti depressant out there and none have worked for me either. Don't continue with the cutting behavior, you will only regret it when you get better, and I have hope that you will just as I MUST keep hope that someday I too will gain the happiness I have lost in my life. I can probably give out better advise to others than I can take it myself, but I came on this site tonite, (its 4am now early Fri) hoping like you to find something, maybe a chance of finding someone who understands. And Patti, I DO UNDERSTAND. Its horrible to feel so depressed, I know that feeling all to well. I have no one in my life, no friends, just my parents. Please continue to do what your doctors tell you to do and please don't cut anymore, maybe this site will help, give it a chance at least. This is what I'm doing, I'm hoping this site will help me. Its worth a try isn't it??? Hope we can talk more, but please know I do understand and know how you feel because I feel a lot of that too right now
Chris
Thanks Chris.
It helps to know that I'm not alone in this. It's just hard going from being in the Air Force making good money to living with my mom and her husband and not being able to hold a job. I've been hospitalized 3 times since last year (2 of those times were over 2 months) and I just wonder when it's going to get better. There has to be a light at the end of the tunnel. How do you stay positive?
Hi Patti,
Well I can't exactly say I'm a positive person, but I have to hold on to the Idea that I can overcome this. I too have had multiple hospitalizatons in my past. After Graduating Tulane Univ. in New Orleans after a suicide attempt I spent 2 YEARS at The Austen Riggs Center in Stockbridge MA, That of course was when I was 22, and I'm now 43, after I LEFT Austen Riggs life was better MUCH MUCH better and the surprising thing is the Psychiatrists there took me off ALL MED'S. I have since had abuot 4 hospitalizations since then (after a 3 year period in my life after leaving Riggs when things had a bright outlook for me, but that gradually went downhill although I still can't pinpoint what made it do so). For now i'm looking for a doctor. I haven't been to a professional in about a year as the two i had been seeing here in Atlanta were not doctors I could make that vital connection with to have a mutually beneficial relationship you need with your therapist. I just have to believe things are going to get better, for one, I've decided to go back to the gym and start out SLOW maybe 2 or 3 times a week working out at first only 20 to 30 minutes each time, then gradually moving on up to more exercise. I know from past experience that working out for men and women will release positive endorphins in our system, (THEY DON"T COME IMMEDIATELY you have to stick with it for at least 3 months straight) Something that IS HARD but Im going to give it a try again in hopes of taking a proactive stance on my own in helping ME with my Recovery. You wer in the Airforce? Thats amazing. I too had a thriving career in Manhattan that ended in a bad way and I moved back in with my parents here in an Atlanta, GA Suburb. I would LOVE to go back for maybe a years stay at Austen Riggs but due to major problems in the Insurance business now things aren't the same as they were in the late 80's when I was there for 2 years. Now I would be lucky if insurance would pay for even 2 weeks there as its an ULTRA Expensive place, mostly for the very rich, something I am no longer. Many people have told me to fake it until you make it, meaning act happy even though you may feel crying inside. TRY THAT, it might help you.
I don't know whether you isolate yourself as I do, or have a support network or friends in your life you can turn to. Off this site I saw an AD from Psychology Today where they had a DR Referral site. I contacted one Phd in my area only to get an email from her telling me I needed to see a Psychiatrist first when I CLEARLY EXPLAINED I had seen UNSUCSESFULLY two Psychiatrists in the metro Atlanta Area. With her 2 replies to my emails she DEFINITELY ISN'T FOR ME, I don't need someone putting terms and conditions on my treatment even before they have met me and heard my story and know where I am in my life at this point. ALL I said to her was, I suffered a major depressive episode 8 years ago while on business in Delhi India for my NYC Based company and have for the past 8 years live here with my parents in virtual isolation. I said NOTHING about being or needing med's I said NOTHING to indicate I was suicidal, (WHICH I'M NOT AT THIS TIME) yet to get a reply like that is very upsetting, it makes you think, WELL DOES ANYBODY REALLY EVEN ACTUALLY GIVE A DAMN?? I won't contact her again and I may even send her comments to the Psychology Today Doctor Website reviewal that had her as one of their doctors listed. Anyway I guess another reason I'm feeling a little better now is because I'm looking forward to a Jan 12th 7 night stay in Cancun Mexico with my Cousin. I always like to have something in my life to look forward to and plan and research.
I hope we can be online friends as maybe we both can have idea's' to help out one another at times. I know I would like someone I could open up to and tell my story to, because thats one thing missing in my life at the moment, FRIENDS, I have NONE that live in this area.
HOPE to hear from you again soon Patti,
Chris
Chris,
Thanks for writing me back. It makes me feel like I'm not alone. I've been dealing with depression for 11 years now and it just seems to be getting worse. I want to see a therapist but since I'm out of work I have no insurance. I'm lucky that the ECT I'm recieving is free from the VA Hospital.
I have a doctors appointment on the 9th to be evaluated for social security. I'm hoping that I get it because I'm not able to hold a job. They tend to dislike it when you start crying for no reason and when your arms are all scratched up. At least with social security I'll have some kind of income.
It really bothers me because I was so good in the military. I was a jet engine mechanic for crying out loud. I was going somewhere... and then it just fell apart. I try to think that things will get better but it kills me to know that I will never have my old life back. The military was my identity. Now I'm just a depressed person that doesn't work.
As far as friends are concerned, I have a sister that lives here in San Antonio with me and a friend that I see maybe once a month. My best friend lives in Abilene and her husband just got orders to Washington state. I'm pretty bummed about that because she's like my family. She's bi-polar so we can sort of talk about our issues and we understand one another.
As far as isolating goes, I have my moments. I curl up on the sofa and read so that I can just be alone. I'd rather be alone than fake being happy to please someone else. I just don't do good at putting on a show. I wear my feelings on my sleeve.
Well I'm rambling here so I'll let you go. It's nice getting to talk to you. I hope to hear from you again.
Patti