Wednesday, November 11, 2009 finallydone asks

Q: unrequited love or her illness talking?

I had a partner of 5 years. One day, out of the blue, she mentioned that her feelings for me had changed. It's important to say that they changed frequently. She went from being madly in love with me to having cyber affairs three months later. I don't know how someone just "loses" feelings for you. Is this just a classic case of unrequited love or her illness making her feel all kinds of things in a small amount of time?

She wants to be with me and says I'm the person that has loved her the most. Then she wants me to move out. I've moved out twice during the past 5 years until recently ending it. Even when I ended it she wanted more "time" or a "break" to figure things out. Should I just take this as a case of unrequited love which happens to everyone at some point or is her behavior classic depression behavior?

Answers (2)

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John Folk-Williams

11/20/09 3:06pm

Hi, finallydone -

When I was seriously depressed, one of the worst experiences for my wife was not knowing who I would be each day - the loving, responsive husband or the distant, hostile stranger. She couldn't trust me emotionally, and that made her reactions cautious when I was well. When I was depressed, she was hurt and totally exasperated. She didn't hesitate to let me know, and when I'd been out of treatment for a while, she'd wind up confronting me with an ultimatum. I had to get treatment or she just wouldn't take it anymore. Like your partner, I had fantasies at times about escaping into a more intense relationship, and I was often completely negative about everything. I'd focus on the one messed up thing and miss all the new and beautiful changes she had made in the house. That's depression and pushing onto the world the inner shame I felt.

You're right to be honest with her and stand up for yourself. There's only so much emotional battering and unpredictability a person can take. Her recovery is up to her.

My best to you,

John

Judy

11/11/09 2:22pm

I'm sorry you've had to go through this. Is she getting any treatment for her depression? That kind of behavior could be coming from that, but not necessarily. The cyber affairs don't sound like a good sign. If you think at all that you want to make the relationship work, I'd just give her plenty of space and then, down the road, if she wants you back, insist on her getting help or both of you going to a couples therapist. You have a right to move on with your life, if it isn't going to be with her. Whether or not you get back together shouldn't be only her decision - think about what YOU want, too.

I wish you the best and hope you can come to some kind of resolution for this. Thanks for visiting our site - you're welcome to write in any time.

finallydone

11/12/09 7:50am

She is in therapy and on meds. However, she analyzes everything so much that I feel she doesn't just enjoy what she DOES have. I was picked apart for everything. If I welcomed her with a home cooked meal that I spent hours cooking, she would complain about the cereal bowl thatI left in the sink that morning.

I suggested couples therapy and she rejected that. I also suggested going on a retreat for couples and she rejected that too. She has been on meds and in therapy but she's all over the place. Unfortunately, I think I fell under that.....to the point that she loves me today....but not tomorrow....and will love me again in one week.

I've left her......

melancholybaby

11/13/09 10:26am

I feel like I am like this (your ex). I actually do feel in love one day, apathetic the next. It is really depressing. I think part of my makeup makes me just not happy when things are good...like I need to create some sort of drama or something. I am on meds and see a therapist. I often wonder if I can get married. Will I do this to every guy I meet? Or is it really that the guy and I are not a good match. The grass isn't always greener and I know that NO one is perfect, but why do I feel this way?

Not sure if this helps you, but I think my "shiftiness" has to do with my moods. It's still probably good that you ended it. Maybe there is someone out there who will put up with it or who feeds on the drama?

Q: unrequited love or her illness talking?

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