My mom is very unstable and we've never been close, although I've tried and perhaps she has too. She's 85years old and I know that I don't have much time left with her. A friend invited me to be with his family, and i felt so emotional that i had to cancel. I spent Thanksgiving alone and i medicated myself. maybe i should just see her at my emotional expense and grin and bear it- i hate the hollidays...i feel so alone. I hope other people are doing better. Thank you for the support.
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12/ 9/09 2:29pm
Hi, Lala -
It's so hard to deal with mothers in that condition. Everytime I visited my mom, I'd fall into the same pattern of being a boy again trying to win her affection - but it's impossible to make up for the past! I'm not clear what you're hoping for in your relationship with her. I know how hard it is to feel OK in yourself and look on her as having her own issues - that these are not yours and you can't help her with them.
What I found helpful was to look at my own emotional needs to see if I was looking to my mom to fill the void I often experienced and help me solve a problem of my own. Looking outward that way, however, never helped - and just led to more and more frustration and hurt, as my mom kept treating me the way she always had.
I'm really sorry you've felt so lonely - that feeling is shared by a lot of people, even when they're in the midst of a family celebration. I hope you weren't medicating yourself just to be numb to the feelings. Is depression a problem for you? If so, I'd look for some kind of counseling about that and try to sort all this out.
My very best to you -
John
12/ 9/09 3:58pm
Hi Lala,
I too am struggling with depression over the last two months, I have been just existing. I have been to different doctors and trying to get medication changed but no luck yet.
My mother is 87 and although I take her to most of her doctor's appt's I don't want to even think about her being gone. I was never close to her growing up, my father died 22 years ago but I was always daddy's girl.
I don't know how to explain this but would you feel bad if you didn't make amends with your mother and then she was gone. You need to think of what if???
I hope this helps and you can work things out with your mother.
12/ 9/09 5:52pm
Hi, Lala. I have a similar situation with my mother and I guess what I do now is limit how much time I spend with her and the time I do spend, I already know ahead of time that there is nothing I will expect or get from her any more and it's kind of helped me detach somewhat and not get sucked into the vortex of her being a martyr and expecting me to somehow fix whatever it is. I think there are cases where perhaps you ARE able to get honest with a parent about how they affect you and make you feel and to own your part in it, but I also believe there are some parents who would never "get it" no matter what you say because they are so heavily defended that they can't hear you. I know that I don't plan to ever have a conversation like that with my parents for that reason and it's fine. I'm not responsible for how they're feeling at the end of their lives; they've done what they've done for their own reasons and it's not my job to judge them, only to respect them as the people who gave me life and a roof over my head. I can imagine that it is sad when you feel like both of you have tried to be closer and it hasn't worked. But that's all you can do and you don't need to feel guilty about it. Try to be kind to yourself and take some credit for trying.
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By Lala— Last Modified: 11/17/10, First Published: 12/09/09
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