Thanks for providing such a detailed summary of your situation. This is one of those iceberg situations where you, and the rest of us (including, I suspect, your wife) can really only see what's above the surface unless we are prepared to go deeper. Therapy, of course might help to facilitate this process, but it could take quite a while, will need time, patience and motivation on the part of those in therapy to see it through.
Your wife asking for a separation/divorce acts as a kind of ultimatum, but it's possible it is more an outward expression of her frustration at the way things are. People who are depressed typically look to their immediate circumstances as a source of problems. We're hard-wired to seek explanations for what we can't explain and sometimes what we believe is the problem and/or solution is nothing of the sort, despite the fact it appears rational at the time.
In saying this I don't want to infer any difficulties in your relationship are principally due to your wife. I'm sure you'll appreciate the dynamics of a relationship are quite complex. But while things are unsettled, and if depression is a feature of this, it may be possible to agree a kind of truce in which therapy for your wife takes the lead (assuming she'll agree) and you both agree a strategy to keep things on an even keel while the process is ongoing. Harmony is of course important for your child.
The outcome of all this is unknown, but you appear to accept this in principle. Time and patience seem to be important at the moment. I wish you both well.
thank you for your response and I agree with what you are saying. I'm not innocent in any way. I know that my silence has caused a lot of problems and for her to make these conclussions. I'm just so scared to talk with her about the depression for some reason, be it I'll find out about something that I don't want to know about, or that she just really has a dislike for me... but I can't keep living this way. I can't keep silent any longer, if there is something I need to hear about than so be it. If going to therapy she concludes still that I'm the reason for the depression, again, I will help her pack and be supportive of her future endevors. I just feel that if she really was so unhappy with me that she would have left long ago and put herself first, but she is scared and probably wondering where have I been. Patience is something that I have a lot of and I'm not looking for a quick turnaround, just looking for hope and something that will make the both of us happy regardless of what that solution will be.
I'm sorry you're having to go through this. It sounds like you've tried your best to help your wife, but in the end, she's the one who has to do the work. I'm sure, too, that you're not the cause of her depression; my guess is that she's projecting anger from her childhood, perhaps, onto you - I say this because I did the same thing. I think your therapist was wise to suggest that she see another therapist because it doesn't work if one person sees the couples therapist alone, as the partner will then have the feeling that the therapist is on the other person's side, as you said. My husband and I were in therapy together, but I also had my own therapist, so it didn't bother me in the least when she suggested he could use some individual sessions with her.
I hope your wife will come to see that your relationship is worth saving, both for your sake and your daughter's, as well. Things don't have to go this way, but you can't do the work for both of you. Take care of yourself and be prepared for the worst, while hoping for the best! Let us know if we can help further.