How do you deal when the one you love has probs also and is reluctent to get help but insists you get help with your probs?
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11/18/09 7:33pm
Hi, Lissa. I'd try to make a deal with him - if he gets help, you will. However, if you really do need help anyway, please don't refuse to get it because of this. Maybe you could see a couples therapist to start with, then you'd both be in it together and could then go on to do individual work if you need to.
If you decide to go on your own, there's a chance he might follow suit, especially if he sees it's helping. The main thing is, you can't MAKE him go for help, but you can leverage things a little bit.
Hope that helps - let us know if you need more help.
11/18/09 11:45pm
If you are not married, no kids, then listen to Paul Simon record "50 ways to Leave Your Lover", and pick one. If you are married, or have kids together, see Counsellor on how to deal with your specific problems for you kids and/or self. Denial goes with most problems. And, odds are you are each others problems. So, work on your problems, if any, and on how to get her to acknoledge hers. You will probably have to get her to go to therapy by telling her "My consellor wants your perspective on my problems". Nothing women like better than sharing all your faults with the World. A good counsellor can then get her to "open up". Problem is you can't share ruse with Counsellor. They have their own set of problems and ego management. They call it Ethics.
11/18/09 11:47pm
Since you are a her, just change it to him. Same priciples.
11/21/09 11:04am
I agree with some of what you said. But his problems go back to his childhood and things that happened in his life way before me. But I am going to suggest him talking with my therapist and see if maybe we cant make into a couples thing. Thank you for your insight it helps me see things a bit better.
11/22/09 4:21pm
There is one thing you cannot change, and that is yesterday (history); but, you can change today and tomorrow. Don't worry about childhood, except the memories you have today. How you deal with them determines in part, how you deal with today. So, change what you can change, which is today's memories of yesterday.
When you start feeling (thinking) depressed, think of 5 good things that have recently happened to you. That should break your negative thinking. Smile! It is hard to have negative thoughts while smiling? Can't smile? Just say the word.
Once you have changed your thought pattern, keep building on it!
There is only one thing that will "help" you and that is you. Same for your bf. You can't do it for him and neither can the therapist. All the therapist can do is to try to guide your thinking and provide you with "tools" to help you do it yourself.
Frankly, I think you are on the right road by simply sharing with others your problems, and asking for help. Admitting to the world that you are resposible for your depression is a very big step toward being happy. It's a long road. Some people will never get there because the become comfortable being depressed.
I wish you the best. If I had any magjic I would share it with you, but there just isn't any magjic. So, it is your job (no one can do it for you or they already would have) and it may be the hardest job you will ever have. But, we all know you can do it, we pray for you and try to give you good consel. However, the bottom line is that we can't do it for you. So, please keep going yourself. If you need a hand, or encouragement, we are all here for you. Now, Just Go Do It!
Sincerely,
mike92111
11/23/09 11:13am
Thank you so much that really helped and I will remember I cant stay in the past. For one it isnt healthy for me or anyone else. I have 4 beautiful children I can look at everyday. I will keep all you said in mind thank you very much.
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By lissa— Last Modified: 12/26/10, First Published: 11/18/09
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Thank you, I think I will suggest that and see where it goes and I will continue seeing my therapist. It's up to him to get his help but I can do mine. Thank you very much it was helpful advise.