I am 42, in counseling and am on meds. I've been fighting depression and anxiety for years and am just sick of it. I am a Christ Follower and have a good outlook on my future and that of my family but it's like a movie replaying in my head all the time.. dysfunctional childhood with abuse, alcoholism, abandonment. Then how I chose to deal with it in my late teens with drugs, alcohol and sex. My life changed when I was pregnant with my oldest son in 1990. At that point I feel God gave me the strength to overcome the way I was living and my whole life changed. That being said, I have always felt like Debbie Downer- don't have many friends many acquaintances but not close friends, I isolate myself in my home because I can't deal with a lot of confrontation, I have health issues, ugh, there just seems to be so much I am trying to tackle. I seem to get all excited over different hobbies, things to do, etc and then I get involved and end up backing out for some reason. I have been involved in things with my dogs for over a year now. Training, agility, racing, etc and that has been such therapy for me, my dogs in general have been such therapy. But about 6mos ago my health got a little worse so I backed down for a bit but now am scared to even get involved again or just feel my self esteem is so low that maybe I can't do it anyway. I feel like everything stems from my early years and dang it, I want it done with. I feel like I get no where with my counselor. I don't want to pay someone to just go sit and chit chat. I just don't know what to do. There is so much more involved but the biggest thing is how to quit that movie from running all the time and for my brain to quit telling me that I'm not good enough, someone will leave me anyway, I don't deserve things, etc. I am also in a place where I am sick of so many doctors just throwing me on many meds and I would like to go more natural. If I could find a holistic/homeopathic doctor that would be great. Being on all these meds scares me and brings me down also. Any ideas? Is there hope for me that I may spend the second half of my life in a total different mindset? I want that so very bad. I'm so sick of feeling this way. I have also wondered if there were any kind of 'retreats' that are like weekend things where you can just go and hit things head on like dealing with your past or dealing with health or gosh anything. I would want a Christ based place but is there anything like this?
Q: Past incidents that have lead to depression
Hi Kimberly
I just want to add a bit to Judy's wonderful comments that...I am wondering since it seems that your religious beliefs are very important to you...is there any support or counseling offered by your church? It seems a logical place to start for you.
Staying in the present is difficult...I know...just wrote a post about this that you may want to read. Turning off that constant negative tape player is a trick a lot of us would like to learn.
One thing which helps me the most is to find a purpose...a motivation...a reason for getting up each day.
So try to answer this question the best way you can. What do you feel is your life's purpose? Why are you here on the planet? And how can you use that purpose to live a meaningful life and to...serve?
As far as natural ways to help with depression there are many...I am presently taking SAM-e and I have written about my experience in taking it. Natural supplements don't work for everyone though. And be warned that they too can have potentially dangerous side effects and interactions with other medications you are taking. So do your research if you should decide to go that route.
I hope you do keep talking to us. You are very special and worthy. And your life has purpose and meaning. This is not just something I am saying to make you feel better...I truly do believe this for all of us.
Hang in there...
Hi, Kimberly. I understand, I think, how you are feeling - it's sort of like being haunted forever by memories. Do you think you might have PTSD? I was 40 and had been in unhelpful therapy for six years when I finally decided to try to get my memory back from childhood. I found a therapist who did hypnosis, which was pretty amazing, I tried past life regressions, soul retrieval, body work....all would bring some relief, but it wouldn't last. Then EMDR was invented and I've been doing that for some time, but it feels much more productive. I find it easy to chit-chat when I'm afraid to dig into something, then I realize I'm wasting my time. If your therapist doesn't seem to want to go beyond that, maybe you should find someone else.
Not knowing where you live, it's difficult to tell you where to find particular things, but I know there are chiropractors who also practice homeopathy and healers who do different techniques of body work - like cranio-sacral and Trager - that sometimes can release things. Ask around, look on the internet, maybe your therapist could refer you to someone.
I wish you the best and hope you find what you need.
Thank you so much! I have thought about PTSD and would tend to think that. Just too much happened and it just gets in the way of the person I am and want to be today. What is EMDR? I'm in the SouthWestern Ohio area. I'm not from here but moved her for my husband so that is yet another thing.... I don't 'fit'. I absolutely NEED someone who wants to dig deep into this because I'm really sick of it to be honest. Thank you for your kind words and helpful direction. God Bless!
Kimberly, search under EMDRIA on the internet and you will have a start on finding people who use it, hopefully in your area. It stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing - the site is an international one. Or sometimes if therapists mention that they work with traumas, they might use it. If you have trouble coming up with something, let me know and I'll see what I can do or find out.
Merely Me did an interview with me about EMDR on the Anxiety Connection, which you can read here.
Good luck - let me know how things come out!
Hi, Kimberly -
I'm very moved by your posts, partly because I've been in a similar place - especially getting fed up with going through the same things and dumping on myself all the time. I'm 20+ years older than you are, and it's only in the last few years that I've really been able to turn things around. (Yes, there is hope!) A big part of the change was getting rid of the constant self-contempt, the assumptions that I couldn't do anything right - and one that you added in your last comment - who cares about what I'm going through. I don't count, nobody wants to waste time on me, etc.
But that inner belief about my value as a human being really changed. I can't say exactly how but one thing was learning how to stop the constant barrage of negative thinking. Have you noticed that all those thoughts say basically the same thing? You can't, you'll never, don't bother trying, it's impossible, you're worthless, you fail at everything, always - so absolute and sweeping and always repeating the same garbage no matter what you're doing. I found that if I listened carefully to what I was telling myself - and wrote down the words and phrases - I could put some daylight between that thinking and me - the real me who is not always wrong, not always failing, not always anything. With a lot of practice, I just stopped believing and accepting those words as my own. That was the voice of depression trying to convince the real me that I was hopeless at living. Now when my mind turns in that direction, I just shoot back: shut up - I've heard all that before and I'm not going there. That's been a huge relief to open my mind again to a well-rounded view of myself. I make mistakes, sure, but they relate to very specific things and don't mean I'm always going to screw things up.
There are cognitive therapists who specialize in this sort of treatment, and I've found it extremely helpful, not by itself but in combination with good therapy (you can find someone you trust - get rid of the present one), medication (it took years to find the right ones but they do help), meditation and spiritual work - and a lot of other things.
If it helped you to write here, I suggest you write more. You can not only ask questions like this but just write anything you want to on a sharepost of your own. I see you've registered here, so just go to your home page and look for the place to write a blog. Writing in this way has been a critical part of my recovery for a lot of reasons. I have done this primarily on my blog for the past three years and recently started writing here as well.
All these things help, and I hope the experiences of folks here provides you with enough leads to work with - at least things to try. Becoming active in your own treatment also helps fight the passivity and paralysis of depression.
Feel free to write again.
John
My first thought again was... these people are welcoming me back even though I sat and just complained. NOT that I want to sit and complain all the time, I don't. I just want to learn from others and get over this - thing, whatever it is. Obviously what I have been doing and who I have been seeing for years hasn't been working. I feel I have so much potential and it just isn't allowed to be fully 'let out'. I just love helping people and I find that the more I help others the better I feel about myself. I really don't have a choice about being stuck in my home all day as we only have one car and I'm a stay at home mom. But I have a choice in how I spend my time in here. I have been going for walks with my dogs daily, which helps. I stay connected to friends on facebook. I put on a smiley face for my 5yr old. He sees me sad but I hide it pretty well. I don't want him to witness me crying all the time or me just being down. I think I will take your advice John on doing the blog. I just think that everyone will have to kinda bare with me for awhile because I feel like I would just like to write all about me and get it out. I have never written it or even shared the whole thing before and maybe that would be a way to heal also. And what thought goes through my mind 'why would you want to write a blog about YOU? No one cares what you have been through? geeezz Kim, no one cares'. Ok John here it goes... SHUT UP MIND! It DOES matter. I have felt that maybe God allowed me to go through so much because maybe I could turn around and help others. Who knows. Thanks again to everyone for your kind words and feedback. You all have really made me feel important. Like what I say matters and I matter. So sad.. ugh. One day I will be free! ONE day! God Bless you all!
Hi, I think I can relate to your depression as I have had pretty resistant depression over the years. Looking for types of healing recently came across MINDFULNESS as part of what is clled POSTIVITIVE PYSCHOLOGY. May fit with your thoughts on retreats and it also fits with your faith and practices. ``````````could be worth a look healing and recovery come in many different forms from many sources I think. Peace to you.
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Thank you also for the feedback. You both have been so nice. I just feel like I'm running around in circles some days. I know there is no bipolar and have had two medical professionals agree with me. To be honest, I don't KNOW what my purpose is. I know I'm a good mom to my two sons but is that it? I have two totally different situations. I was pregnant, homeless and pregnant with my older son (20). It was difficult being a single mom with NO support nor child support. I worked my butt off and still have no idea how we made it. My son has always had issues both medically and mentally and behaviorally. It has been a LONG road with him. I feel like I went from one hard situation right into another. But at the same time, I feel that God allowed this child to change my life for the better. So now I have a 5yr old boy (I say that God has a good sense of humor for that many years between my boys, ha), I'm married, I have my dogs and it is a whole different situation with my boys. I am just loving being a mom this time around. I met my husband online and since there is a very good children's hospital here I chose to move here with my son. So I am 1000 miles away from 'home'. I have been here since '01 and I just don't like it here. People are different, part of the country is different, I am so far from home. Husband has a very good job, he has a son that will graduate in 4yrs and our church...that is what holds us here and they are big things. So I am at least stuck here another 4yrs. I'm trying to find things I actually LIKE so I can get out of this 'stuck' mentality. One of my, what I like to call, gifts is helping others. I would give the shirt off my back to help another person. So three things that I find purpose in is my kids, my dogs and helping others. I would say my husband and he is for the most part but there have been a few issues. I find that I compare him and things he does to my dad. BIG no no and not fair of me. But he loves me... imagine that! I go to a mega church and have found little clicks where we volunteer and do things but outside of that, we aren't friends with anyone. Nothing deep. I think I sabatoge(sp) my own friendships. Like, there is always a crisis or something going on in my life and I feel like people can't handle it all so they just bow out. I feel guilty writing this much and feel like 'oh they don't care anyway, why am I wasting my time' and feel bad that I am writing too much. I should have things figured out by now, shouldn't I? I haven't even touched on the health issues. UGH! I keep trying. I felt sad today but chose to take my three dogs on a walk after getting my son on the bus. I am proud to say that I even JOGGED today, just a tiny bit but with one of my things being a bad back, I did it and that is what matters. That put me in a better mood the rest of the day. We are moving into a rental house July 1 so that gives me something to look forward to also. Oh, with my church? They do have connections and different things but never anything that is for me at the time I need it. I'm looking though. It just really stinks when I get those overwhelming feeling of dread or of worthlessness. I want those to be gone. I think I could handle a slight depression problem but that part alone, I can't stand. Thank you all for listening to me. First time I have really gotten this stuff out. No one has ever really cared before or didn't show it.