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Thursday, February 21, 2013 Che, Community Member, asks

Q: LDR Girlfriend is depressed

My LDR girlfriend of 1 year is depressed. She is 27, I’m 30. We live in different countries in Europe at the moment, and were planning on moving to each other in a few months’ time. We met in Australia 1 year ago, while she was on holiday for a week. We had a wonderful connection, however she was just finished a long term relationship, and I was cautious of not being a rebound.

 

We kept in touch, and had lots of things in common, and fell in love very quickly soon after. We talked about our future a lot, and I planned on coming home to Europe to be with her, which I did last summer. However last summer, she also became very stressed with her work and was lonely I wasn't there. She confessed she wasn't eating, and also confided in me about both emotional and physical abuse in previous relationships from previous boyfriends. She also had a friend who was suffering from depression, and she took it on herself to try and help him. He confessed he had contemplated suicide, which upset her. I tried being positive, loving and supportive, and was already planning on coming to visit her. I said try not get too close, as the guy needs professional help.

 

She retreated into her shell, and asked me to give her space and time. I heard very little from her for the month of August, and she asked me to cancel flights to visit her, as she didn't want me to see her when she was this way. I obliged, and told her i was there for her; however it really hurt me that she was pushing me away. A few weeks later she wanted to skype again, and admitted she still loved me, and wanted to visit me. At this time, I was already back in Europe, and wasn't sure and disillusioned with her on  where I stood with her, so I said sure. I was very excited about seeing her again, as it would be the first time in months we could spend time with each other physically. However, to my amazement, she did a complete U turn, and messaged me saying she met someone else, and was very sorry. I was so hurt, and sad, and didn't understand why she would do this. They guy she was with, was her best friend, they guy who was depressed. He is much older, however suffers from depression. Their relationship only lasted a few weeks, until she decided it was best to remain friends, and she still had feelings for me, and was in love with me.

 

I cut contact with her during this period, and tried to move on with my life. However 2 months later, she started to contact me again, asking for a second chance, and how she still loved me, was feeling better and and was so sorry for treating me that way. She said as I wasn't there physically, she was so lonely, and her best friend was there, and how they became intimate. She told me all the things I wanted to hear.. Well, I gave her 1 chance, as we all made make mistakes, and I told her actions speak louder than words. I also said to her, that when she was going through hard times, not to push me away. She wanted to come and visit me, which she did. And we spent Christmas together too, and she finally got to meet my family. We were so happy, and I felt finally things are going well.

 

Things were getting very exciting and planning on her moving over to my country permanently. I was being very positive and supportive, and introducing her to my friends, but at the same time not putting too much pressure. In early Jan, she confessed she was beginning to feel the depression coming along again. I really wanted to be there for her through this time around, and do the right things to help her.  She told me how she tried to cut herself before, and how she had gave up everything for other guys, and how they let her down. I reassured her that I loved her, and wouldn’t turn my back on her. We spent another weekend together in Jan, and had a nice weekend together. It’s worth mentioning that her ex best friend, had offered her a high earning job in another country, and she told me she had thought about it. I was upset, as I felt this guy was trying to come between us again. She said he was only a friend; however it’s such big money. He offered to get her setup with her own apartment, and a well-paying job, but she was saying that it was only because he cared about her as a friend. Well then the sh$t hits the fan.He messaged her abuse on her phone, and how upset he was that she was in a relationship with me, and was a slut. He threatened to message me and tell me everything about them. He showed up outside her work the same day apologizing, and declaring his love for her. She told him she loved me, and to leave her alone. She told me all of this the same day over skype, however I got upset, and told her to stop contacting this guy as he was messing her up, and if she didn’t I wanted out. This really upset her, and she was mad with me. I apologized for losing my cool, but said put yourself in my shoes. She begged me not to contact this guy, and I didn’t. He has since left her country, and this also upset her, In losing him as a friend.The few weeks since, she has been to the Doctor once a week getting tests, as she hasn’t been feeling well, and has had lots of pains. She is very pale and stressed out, and feeling exhausted. She was told unfortunate news from her Doctor in regards to having Children.

 

She has pushed me away, and deleted her FB profile, all our pics together, and asked me to give her time to get better.  This hurt me, and she said she regretted doing it. Out of nowhere she asked me to get an STD test, and she wanted to make sure there was nothing wrong with her on that front. I reluctantly did, and this made me sad. I got my results and let her know I was ok. She has told her family finally of how she is feeling, so that gives me solice that they know. She isn’t getting any professional help which is very worrying though, beside going to her Doctor.She is very depressed at the moment, feeling sad and lonely, and I don’t know what to do, but give her the space and time she needs to get better.

 

It kills me that she won’t talk to me, and if I send her a message, she sends a short reply. LDR’s are hard enough, besides no contact. We haven’t spoken properly in weeks, and the last time we talked properly, she said physically she is feeling better, but still exhausted. I’m trying to be strong, and not worry, but I care about her and love her.  This girl you are probably saying is messed up, and leave things be. I’m meant to be meeting her family in March, however I have no idea where I stand right now with her. She isn’t talking to me, want’s time to get better. She is smart, fun, and beautiful. I have no idea what’s causing her to feel so down, and try not to take it personal. I tell her I'm here for her, and my door is always open if she want's to talk. But all I get is silence. She told me how I was the man she wanted to marry, was amazing, etc...I don't know what to feel right now. I don't message her, and I'm giving her space, but i'm worried she won't contact me again, and just doesn't want to be with me anymore. By ignoring me, i will dissapear, and she can't hurt me anymore. :(

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Answers (2)
Jerry Kennard, Health Pro
2/22/13 5:08pm
Hi Che. I agree with Judy's assessment and would just add that my concern for you is that you focus on her depression as the root of what sounds like a somewhat complex relationship. It seems to me that while depression may be a component there appears to be an imbalance in how you both see the relationship. This is something you have identified and I just wonder if you remove the depression aspect how you might view things? Reply
Che, Community Member
2/24/13 2:11am

Thank you for the replies. Well a long story short she broke up with me last night through a text message! I'm really hurt right now, as breaking up through text is so disprespectful. She asked had I something belonged to her, and i replied I didn't have it. I proceeded to make a little small talk, but then decided that I needed to know where i stood at the moment. I said that i understood she needed time and space, however that we still needed to talk, and we should skype soon. She told me she was sorry, but she was happier and healthier on her own for the last few weeks and can't be with me, and hopes we can be friends. I haven't replied

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Judy, Community Member
2/21/13 8:39pm

Hi, Che.  I'm sorry you're having to go through this with your girlfriend.  The part that concerns me the most is that she is getting no treatment for her depression.  It can take a long time to disappear all by itself and that may never happen.  You can get past an episode, but the chances of it recurring are much greater if you don't get treatment.  I'm not a firm believer in medication only because I see depression as a symptom of things not going right in your life, although I do recognize that there can be a biological component.  Nevertheless, you should not have to put your life on hold while waiting around to see if she will change her mind.  It sounds like you've done all you can do to be there for her, but she's not really letting you in.  Is there a chance that she might be using depression as an "excuse" to stop seeing you because her feelings toward you have changed?  There's always that possibility, but I certainly wouldn't know if that's the case for sure.  As you say, LDRs are difficult enough in the best of circumstances - should love have to be this hard?

 

Only you can know how long to wait.  Maybe if this meeting with her parents doesn't materialize, it could be a sign that things have deteriorated.  I'm not trying to make you feel worse or hopeless about it, just being realistic because I've heard a gazillion of these stories, right here on this site.  Some people don't want to get help because they think it's admitting they're weak.  That's too bad, because it actually takes a lot of courage to ask for help.

 

I wish you all the best and hope you can eventually come to a decision you can make peace with.  Thanks for your question.

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By Che, Community Member— Last Modified: 02/24/13, First Published: 02/21/13