Thank you for your support. My depression is mostly under control but i deal with depressed moods constantly. Part of what has worked is to see a therapist at least monthly, take my "chemical cocktail" as ordered and always give myself the benefit of the doubt when i question whether i'm a good person or not. I grew up in a minister's family with loving parents but an older brother (9yrs older) who was emotionally and physically abusive to me and sexually abusive to my older sister (4 yrs older). I don't have relationships with either sibling. My mom suffered from major depression her entire life (hospitalized in 1957 in state hospital right after i was born and had ect then and in 1984) and is from a family where depression runs rampant on her mother's side (grandmother and 5 of 6 sisters had depression both bi-polar and unipolar). My father was a minister but addicted to porn. Pretty strange, but i loved him and he was really good to me and loving. Very poor boundries in my family which have taken yrs of therapy to understand.  I believe in god but tend to be a loner and distrustful. I'm a ft RN in psych and work with homeless vets.  I'm married 25 yrs. and my wife and 2 step kids take meds for depression. I met my wife at 24 when kids were 2 and 4 and raised them and love them. Now they're 34 and 32 and i'm a grandfather. I had ect in 1998, was on SSDI for 3 yrs and completed nursing school at 45. I've been a nurse for about 10 yrs. I try to stay optomistic. It doesn't always work. I love my wife and kids and am blessed to have them. I have no social life and really don't have the energy for one. I'm tired a lot. I'd really like to help others struggling with this disease because i have survived it for 30yrs. There have been 2 suicides in my family. Maternal uncle and grandfather. When i was at my worst around 97-98 i thought of suicide because the depression had lasted 4+ yrs w/o a break and it was wearing me out. Mostly i just wanted to get better and fought to get there. My grandfather was 33 when he shot himself and i was worried i might do the same but if anything it reinforced why i wouldn't do it because it destroyed my mom. Then her brother shot himself in 1992 and it destroyed her again. She's still alive and in LTC at 85. That's a synopsis of my experience with depression.  I lokk at myself as a survivor and a strong person. But I don't kid myself. I'm really a high functioning psychiatric patient and that's ok.