I have a friend who is 23 and suffers from anxiety and depression. She has been to see different psychologists over the years but feels that she always reaches a point where they stop helping her, she feels as if there is something wrong with her socially and that she can't connect with people. She's obsessed with getting a boyfriend I think because she feels that having one will mean she's needed the way that she needs others, but because she's never been in a relationship (mostly because of her attitude caused by her illness i think) she thinks she's intellectually incapable of connecting with people. Her issues always snowball and a minor thing can become huge for her. I've suggested to her that she should go on medication but she doesnt think it will help and her parents are extremely against her going on it because they worry about the side effects and dont believe that she needs it. I dont know what to do anymore, i'm struggling to be happy in my own life because everytime i am she reminds me of how badly she is doing or i feel guilty for being happy. i dont know what to say to her anymore because i feel like i've tried everything and said everything that needs to be said, anything positive you say to her she challenges or finds a negative in it. I feel like I don't have any alternatives to give her anymore, so much of the literature is about getting your friend to get help, but she has, she's been to a psychologist. I've been finding myself avoiding her as a result of this feeling of helplessness whenever I'm around her or dreading seeing her and feel that this is really wrong!
Q: How do I deal with a close friend sufferring from depression?
You do need to take care of yourself in this, and I'm glad you see the effect her attitudes and talk are having on you. You can't make her get treatment or get well, yet her feelings have drawn you in. I agree with Donna that you have to set limits for yourself and perhaps (?) get a little counseling to understand why her condition affects you the way it does. It sounds to me that she has pushed herself into a corner with no way out, but that's her own doing. If she's 23, I'm not sure why her parents' prejudices about medication and mental health should keep her from getting help. She may have seen many psychologists, but it's easy to prevent them from helping if you don't really want them to. She has to get clear that she can help herself and get out of this rut she's in, but that's not up to you. In fact, the more you try to do things for her, the less responsible she will feel for taking care of herself. It was also continue to eat away at you because you're loving thoughtfulness, care and effort, I'm afraid, will meet frustration - and that deepens the hurt for you.
This is such a hard problem to deal with. I once had to tell a friend at that age that I couldn't listen to his hour-long phone calls anymore, but I did that because I was desperate and it didn't help to deliver a shock so bluntly. Better to try something like in a more balanced way, as Donna suggests.
I wish the very best in dealing with this - please come back if it would help. There are many here who have valuable insight to share.
John
I have a friend who has bipolar disorder, and she sounds much the same as your friend. Everything becomes a Big Deal and she refuses to be consoled and refuses therapy. She does take meds but won't try any new ones, and the old ones are obviously not working. After I had listened to her same sob story over and over, and she refused help, I finally was honest with her and said, "I would love to help you, and I am still glad to listen any time you want to talk, but I get really upset myself at times because I can't DO anything for you. You and I talk about steps of action that may resolve some of your problems but you never take them. Think about this and decide whether you really want help or not." She thanked me for being honest and I still call and check on her about once a month, but she never calls me anymore. My purpose was not to destroy our friendship, but to get her to see I care and would do anything for her -- but she has to be willing to help herself, too.
I think that as far as depression goes, the side effects of NOT taking the medication can be much, much worse than the side effects of TAKING medication. Especially if she gets to the point where she is considering suicide. Many people recover from depression through therapy and medication, so there is certainly no valid reason that I can think of for avoiding treatment. Offer to go with her to a psychiatrist, and ask to tell what your own observations have been concerning your friend. Many times people see a psychiatrist thinking he/she will be able to cure them quickly and painlessly. It usually does not work that way. And her doctor needs to know the whole truth of how she is acting and feeling in order to provide an effective treatment plan.
Best wishes to you and your friend.
This is a normal reaction Friend.
When we run out of ideas to help and cannot fix the problem we feel helpless and powerless.
I too struggle with feeling guilty for being happy, but only we can make this choice, if we can rise above the illness and not take it personally, we then can be of help, when you are happy you have more energy to cope with your friends negative thought patterns.
We must block the illness from penetrating our wellbeing...easier said than done...
Can you look at it from a different perspective, try and imagine yourself for a moment in her shoes, not being able to feel the happiness you feel, thinking there is no cure for the way she is.
Use this to gain insight to how you can help your friend, ask her what you can do to make her life a little easier, and listen to her answer, listen carefully for any indications of where she needs you in her life, is she threatened by your happiness, will you desert her when you are happy?
Encourage her to go out and have a coffee with you at a local cafe this way you can talk casually with no pressure, you don't have to say anything realy, you can just be there listening.
Why are her parents so against medication? maybe suggest natural therapy in a passing comment to her parents or just put a brochure in the letter box so they don't feel threatened or undermined.
You have taken the first step in helping your friend by asking this question, the more insight you gain the more you will be able to support your friend and feel ok being happy.
one day she will smile at you and it will be all worth your effort.
Thank you for all the help everyone. I still feel a little lost within it all because she is so up and down. I saw her last week and she seemed happy and then I spoke to her today and she seems down again. She wants me to come to this birthday do with her where I won't know anyone but she's too scared to go by herself. I've been going with her to these things for years now and I always end up being abandoned because she feels comfortable in the end and I've got no one to talk to so I told her I couldn't go and then she was really upset because she said she never meets new people because she's incapable of socialising. Am I doing wrong by her as a friend? Am I not doing enough?
Hi, Friend. It sounds to me like she's using you as a crutch - she needs you to get to the party, then dumps you for the night when she's feeling better. I don't think you need to do this. There's a point where she has to start taking responsibility for herself and if she's not getting therapy or any other help, then maybe she's getting rewarded for being in a crisis all the time and talking about how terrible she feels. She's obviously not incapable of socializing, so I wouldn't buy into that one. You've been a good friend to her - now you should start being one to yourself. I've had a friend like yours for a number of years and though I still see her, I had to pull back because it was depleting me and she wouldn't get the help she needed. We're still good friends, but there are boundaries. Good luck with this, you've done what you can.
i honestly think that all you can do is encourage her to take meds. i maycurrently suffer from depression and im starting to push every one away. i think meds would help tremendously. theres not much you can do for her other then just be there for her. but dont be her crutch. maybe you can be there for her, but you yourself go to a therapist. he can talk you thro it.
Be a good listner, don't be judgemental. Offer tactful advice if needed. Be there and be supportive. Psychologist and the medical field can only do so much. Just continue being her friend. I too have depression and anxiety and have been to countless doctors and therapists. She needs persons who will be there for her no matter what.
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She is also very public about her problems, she will often want everyone to know how she is feeling which confuses me. Is this common or am I over/under estimating the severity of her problem?