Monday, November 09, 2009 cat asks

Q: I think my boyfriend is depressed...

I have been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now. I have noticed his behaivor changing over time (lack of energy, crying all the time, unable to think clearly about the future or what his negative thoughts are all about, etc) and I believe he is depressed. I never questioned his feelings towards me and his intentions in the relationship, but lately when I try to ask him what his negative thoughts are all about... I feel like he's questioning "us." I don't know if this is the depression talking (where he can't think about the future becuase it's too overwhelming), or whether he doesn't want to burden me with this, or whether his feelings have changed... I don't think his feelings have changed necessarily, but I'm finding myself increasingly more and more insecure about the situation. I feel completely helpless and i can't talk to him abotu this becuase he is too into what is going on with him. He hasn't sought help yet... I have been trying to encourage him to go to his doctor and get a referral to someone. Any help or words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated. Feeling feel helpless :-( I want to support him through this and my greatest fear is that he will break up wtih me during this time or after he is feeling better. I love him so much, but I feel like he's slipping away into this depression. To make matters worse, he is sick with H1N1 and having shoulder surgery next week... so he'll be at home for weeks on end and not able to drive or leave the house much for the first 2 weeks. He has told me that he his NO coping skills when it comes to life's problems, which goes back to how he was raised and the relationship he has with his mother. I am hoping a doctor (psychiatrist, psychologist.. or whoever) can help him develop some cpping skills. Since I have known him (a year and 4 months), he's had to take FOUR vacations alone, just to think and figure out where his head is at. He just wants to be alone, doesn't ask me to go... doesn't call me when he's away.. and i end up worrying the entire time if he's okay or if he has hurt himself. ONly once have i heard him mention he doesn't care if he lives or dies and I addressed it RIGHT AWAY and kept asking him aftwards and begging him to telll his doctor he said that. He swears he would never act on it, but it's something I take seriously. I have tried to get him to talk to me about what he's going through, becuase I think it will help, but he said it's not easy for him to open up when he's used to dealing with things alone. He was married before, so I always ask him "how did it work with her?"... obviously this has probably come up in past relationships. I know he doesn't want to burden me or bother me, but he does't seem to hear me when I tell him that I WANT to be there for him.

He has told me it's not ME or US, that it's HIM.. but I guess my own insecurities start to emerge in these situations. I miss him and want him to get better...

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Answers (2)

wrecked

11/10/09 4:51pm

I have been going through a similar situation for months now. If he is used to being alone, and wants to be alone, then the only thing you can do is give him the space to try to work on himself. Let him know how much you love him and will always be there for him if he wants to talk. But you can't force it with your own insecurities, it will push him away. Trust what he has told you, that it is not you. And try to not let yourself get sucked into his depression, it is so easy to do. Read as much as you can, and focus on your life. Hopefully he will get some help and coping skills, realize you have stood by him, repected space when he needed it most and will come out of it loving you more than ever...

I wish you both the best of luck

cat

11/11/09 12:06am

You are totally right about being sucked into his depression. That is exactly what has been happening. This week I decided that I would still go and see him and provide support, but I wasn't going ot give up my workouts because staying active makes me feel better. Reading some of the posts on here has been a huge help in realizing that my thoughts are not silly. I am trying to tell myself that if he pushes me away and doesn't want to be with me afterwards, then I will get through the hurt and pain. I hope that doesn't happen though. Thanks agian and i hope you are well.

Bob Bobinson

11/ 9/09 10:40pm

Hello,

I've been dealing with some serious depression the past year or so. I have had depression on and off for years but lately I have felt unworthy or unsure if my fiancee is truly inlove with me or just settling as well as a loss of goal oriented motivation. I question a lot of things and get worried and fear that I'm pushing her away and myself away from a "normal" life.

I don't know what the problem with your boyfriend is but I do know one thing for sure. My fiancee has supported me, gotten extremely frustrated with me and loved me throughout this ordeal and I love her more now than I ever have. Talking is important though. Sometimes when its impossible to get the words out it can be because someone feels stupid or weird for having thoughts and emotions they deem unsatisfactory as actual depression. They're embarassed and it makes them feel worse.

Sometimes general statements of 'whats wrong' or 'I want to help' aren't enough to get information out of someone with depression. It can be beneficial to ask more specific questions to get them to talk and even if they say something initially that might throw you off, try to remember they aren't thinking as clearly and try to support them within reason.

There is a limit to the amount of ourselves that we can give to the ones we love. People, when it comes down to it, have to want to help themselves. Having goals in life like school, job promotions, physical fitness or team sports can improve quality of life and motivate a person towards happiness.

I used to think that meds and therapists were the rock bottom of life. This is not true and is really the opposite. Someone who takes control of their problems and makes the initiative to move forward is truly on the right path. It's also nice to be educated about certain medications and types of therapy. I just talked to my family doctor about options and side effects and it helped.

Although certain sides of therapy can in fact make a problem worse, for the most part it helps to have someone neutral to talk to. Medication can also be taken in smaller doses to start off or long periods of time.

I finally got help after hitting near the bottom and when I had good support from my lover and my family. I am getting better each day thanks to the support in my life. I wish that I'd gotten help sooner. Self-esteem is a powerful thing and needs to be harnessed!

I hope he is well and that you are as well. I Also hope this helped.

cat

11/11/09 12:02am

Thank you so much for sharing your story and your suggestions. That really does mean a lot, especially since you have gone though it. And it helps to hear it from a man too. I think he feels ashamed that he, as a male, is going through this. I guess I did a lot of reading on depression when I was in university, so I'm well aware it's not something that only women deal with. When the opportunity comes up that I can talk to him about this, I am going to ask more specific questions like you suggested. I had thought about the fact that he might be embarassed by this thoughts or might think they are silly. He has someone he talks to, but I don't think she's a psychiatrist and I don't think she's picked up on his depression... I don't knwo what he talks to her about, but I told him to make sure he brings all this up at his next appointment (how he's feeling lately). I have tried to tell him that talking is important, even though I can't solve the problems or make the thoughts go away. But he has to want to open up and he has to want to help himself. Right now I am just trying to support him as much as possible while still respecting his boundaries when he wants to be alone.

I hope you are well too.... remember that if your fiancee is with you it's because she WANTS to be with you. From the sounds of it, she's been sticking by you through this whole thing and that has made you love her more. Thanks agian for your help.

down4now

1/24/10 2:47pm

hi, Please, I need to know, How did you feel about your fiancee and your relationship when you were depressed?

Q: I think my boyfriend is depressed...

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