Thanks for your reply... I hope your boyfriend realizes how lucky he is to have your support.    Knowing my boyfriend and the way he is, I feel that I have to respect his wishes.  I have decreased my contact with him over the last 4 weeks to give him space... called less, but texted/emailed instead... and he said he knows I was giving him space but he still wanted to be alone.  I feel that if i don't listen to him and I continue to stay in touch, he is going to push me away for good.   I am hoping that maybe if I listen to his wishes he will come back to me.  When your boyfriend told you he needed and wanted to be alone, what did you say in response?  Did you continue to call him right away or did you wait for a period of time?     I would say I'm more like you in that I would probably still support someone even when everyone else tells me it's not worth it or it's not good for me...I don't like to give up on someone I care about that easily.  But in this case, I am torn becuase I really feel that he wants me to respect his wishes.   I was thinking of emailing him in a few weeks to say that I'm still thinking of him and that he should not feel scared to call or email me anytime.. just to keep the door open.    He is 37 years old and I'm fairly certain he's dealt with these feelings before and maybe this is the worst episode of depression he has gone though.  How can you handle knowing that he's working/living his life without you? ... but yet he can't or won't be with you? 

Your boyfriend sounds like a great guy, like mine, so it's nearly impossible to give up on someone great we fell in love with. Maybe I am just a romantic, but I think if a relationship can endure this, then it's stronger than any one else's who would say it's not worth it and walk away. That frame of mind keeps me strong. My boyfriend is 31 and has been through this many times before. He fought this so hard to make sure I didn't leave. But when he saw how he was hurting me, he felt so guilty and had to let me go. I wrote him several emails right away saying how much I loved him and can't let him go. It made him feel more guilty. The only thing he seemed to respond to was an email sent a few days later when my emotions cooled off, telling him to not feel guilt, that it is my choice to be there for him and that I can handle this. I do suffer from a minor form of depression myself, this triggered a major episode, but I can easily be alone to focus on my goals and to hope for a future with him. I know he sees me as someone special. He's always been very honest with me, so I trust him completely. That is how I can handle knowing that he is trying the best he can to live normal. Maybe after so long of going out and trying to live normal, he will feel normal, and then the first thing he would do is come to me when he is ready to have a girl in his life again. It's a long hard road, you need alot to keep you distracted. I am sure it will happen again, but by then I am sure we'd work on some kind of plan. I am learning as I go and it is getting easier with time. I sent him an email after giving him space for a month. He didn't read it since I know he thought it was mention of my birthday this week. It wasn't so I got frustrated, so I just sent him something funny for thanksgiving...which he read. With the holidays, I would just sent him something light hearted and funny. To let him know you are around and to make him smile. It won't hurt. I want to send my boyfriend a heartfelt email about how happy I am he came into my life, but I will put a tag or disclaimer on it, so if he is not ready to read it, he can do it later. You could do something like that too. I know it will work out for you, you sound so caring and I know he can see that. Hang in there as best you can.

Another thing I can tell you is to follow your instinct. If it is telling you to respect his space, then you most definitely should. My boyfriend contacted me after not seeing me for four months, out of the blue, when he wasn't well. He was out and just missed me I suppose. But it really wasn't him, there was a blankness in his eyes, he was irritable and only cared about finding a bar. He just wasn't 'there'. In a quiet moment though, I said his name to make sure he was really listening and then I told him I loved him. He held me so tight. It's a sad thing. But that night confused and hurt me. Probably made him feel worse. So when your boyfriend says he wants to be alone, there is a reason for it. And it is not you.

I think you are right, I am going to try and follow my instincts.  I may send him an email in a few days.. a short one just to say that I am still here for him and I'm a phone call away, but I am not going to get into detail about how hurt i am or anything.  He already knows how he has hurt me and he already feels guilty enough.. I just want to leave the "door open" for him to keep the lines of communication open.  At least then I will know if he does't contact me again, it's because it's HIS decision and not that he doesn't think I will be open to it. 

I honestly feel that he needs to get help before I'm involved with him again.  And if he doesn't get help, then I don't think it will be healthy for me to be involved with him at any level.   This is such a hard and desparate time for me.. I really feel like my mind is filled iwth so much "noise" of replaying everything in my head and trying to understand it all.  I have a hard time with giving myself permission to just be sad.   I jump immediately to thoughts like "he's going to move onto someone else as soon as he gets better."    I am trying to focus on the moment I'm in but it's easier said than done.   Thank you for your messages... it really does help to know I"m not alone.   

I have felt the way you do, and still do from time to time. Like, how do you know he is not going to be with someone else while you are still there for him. I know I would be destroyed being played for a fool. But from what you described of your boyfriend, he sounds like he genuinely loves and cares about you. Who could be so cruel to just 'move on' when they know you are out there being as loving and supportive as possible? Emails every once in a while are good just to keep him in your life. I was at a point where I told him to not string me along, how much it hurt. He let me go a month later, and then I realized having to let him go hurt more than being strung along. So I learned how to be strong and deal with this, and it really is working for me. Insecurities turned into confidence. I know he appreciates this, since he put a picture up of me and him on his Myspace. I am just taking what he gives me right now, if he wants to see me, I will be happy and live in the moment, knowing I might not see him for months after. I know this way will not work for mostly anyone, so do what your gut tells you. If he gets help and you can have a functional relationship then that would be great.

I did email him yesterday, a short one to tell him that I still care and that I'm a phone call, email or text away if he needs me.    Of course I did not hear back from him, which is hard... but at least I know i have done everything I can do.   I am still really having a hard time accepting the abruptness of the situation and find myself asking over and over how he could do this to our relationship and cut off all communication.   I am going to see a counsellor next week as I think it will help (I hope!).     Somewhere on the web I was reading a post from a girl who's boyfriend had surgery and was addicted to oxycodone and started acting out of characted... not getting sleep, wanting to be alone, depressed, etc etc.   It sounded strangely familiar to my own situaiton with my boyfriend.   That's the problem right now.. I have so many questions and so many thought that maybe "this is happening" or "that is happening" when the only person that can answer my questions won't even talk to me!    I am having a frustrating day... today I was harping on the fact that maybe YES he is depressed but maybe I'm using that as the reason for the break up and maybe he just doesn't want to be with me.   It's hard not to think that becuase I still don't understand why he wants to reject me at a time when he needs me most.  I know I can't solve his problems but why does the relationship have to end all together. 

I am so glad you are seeking help in this time, it is a very good thing for you. I hope it helps you. All of those thoughts you are thinking are completely normal, since the way someone acts when they are depressed is a complete 180. Like one second they want to spend time with you then the next, they just completely lost interest in everything and cut off contact just like that. Like a demon took over. There is no way of knowing what he is thinking or going through. I often ask myself WHY?. I can understand to a point, but I don't entirely 'get it'. I know our boyfriends love us, so why can't they get close to us when we obviously so want to help and be with them. I don't know how long this will last, it has been a push/pull relationship for most of the year and our relationship. It could be years like this, but I do see us coming out of this a very strong and solid couple. I feel that way now, because I see walls being broken down little by little over time. My lighthearted emails go a long way I think. Today I was suprised by a forwarded email from him that meant so much, it was about friendship appreciation. It touched my heart so much that I am going to make a share post out of it. Don't expect much of anything at this time. He really does need the space. So anything you send, most likely will not get a reply. But it does not go unnoticed. I always wondered if I was bugging him, but anything that would make him smile is worth a shot. You are brave for putting yourself out there, listen to your gut and definitely take care of yourself. Over time, those feelings will change and it will be more clear in your head and heart wether to stay or not and what path to take.

I feel even worse.. I wrote him and got a response saying his follow up appointment with his surgeon went well but he's stuck at home for another couple of weeks.  Then he says he truly hopes I am okay and that I'm keeping my head up and that he's sorry for hurting me.

It sounds so final, like he had already decided a while ago it was over and now he has absolutely NO emotion or feeling towards me.     I feel very unsettled like I need more explanation... he sounds fine, like he's not even depressed...is that just a fake face he's putting on?    I want to reply and tell him that I don't feel good and I wish we could just talk about things again so that maybe I will understand a bit better...

That would be the worst thing you could possibly do. There really is a battle going on within him and he is absolutely not making this up. Feel incredibly lucky he is communicating with you and apologizing. My boyfriend did this in the beginning as well, he tried to explain how he is just trying to live normal but it isn't working. He can't be there emotionally to take care of my needs when he can't take care of himself. So when you go and say how you are hurting, it will just REALLY push him away. It is something he can not handle. But regular communication, at more of a friend level, there is no harm in that, or pressure to be there. It is hard on us, to feel we have been downgraded to friends, but right now, that is what they need most. It is good you are going to see a counseler, and you can let off steam here. I will always be here. You have to be in touch with your needs, and when your emotions cool off after a while, it really will become clear. I remember everytime I saw my boyfriend, I thought he seemed well. Well, THAT is the fake face he's putting on. The energy it takes to appear well is a whole lot. I know the unanswered questions are unsettling, but if you let it eat at you it will tear you up like it is doing. I know better than anyone. It is going to take a lot of time and patience. You will have ups and downs, but you need to look at this as more of a friendship now. And I really hope he is getting help for this, it will make it so much easier for the both of you.

I have absolutely no contact with him.   I did not reply to his email from earlier this week.   I don't even think he wants me to contact him at all... even on a friendship level.   It's hard becuase I just wake up every single day and still wonder why things have to be this way.   I hope he gets in touch with me once he's had soem space.  It's been a week now since we broke up.   He promised me he would let me know when he goes to see his doctor, and I have not heard from him on that... so I assume he is not getting help at this point.   It's wierd to think that a week ago he was still in my life.  Now it just feels like he's fading away.  I keep thinking did his feelings for me change even before the depression, but I don't think so.  I guess i could keep going around and around in my head and it will just eat away at me.   Maybe I will change my mind later, but right now I am not contact him at all, even on a friend level.   I really think he jsut wants to be left alone right now.   I hope all is well with you?  

Funny, I was just going to write to you yesterday. It's my birthday and even though I have been incredibly strong over this, yesterday was my moment of weakness. I have no idea what is going on in my boyfriends mind, maybe he thinks I am better off without him, or that I have plenty of friends paying attention to me on my day. But I felt his absence so strongly. He could have logged in to write those two words and it would have made such a difference. I know the weekends are busy with work for him. And he did send me that FWD email which was sweet. I know I am special to him. And that is how you need to feel too. The way you described how he was crying when he broke up with you...he must be in a dark place. It really has nothing to do with you, but you will work it up in your mind. I would wait a while, and just let him know you are still around and care. In the meantime, you have to decide if you can handle this. It's most likely going to get worse before it gets better if he doesn't get help. The holidays are hard.....

I'm so sorry for my late reply.   I wanted to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY yesterday but it was a bad day and I didn't get back onto the computer.    I'm sorry to hear that he didn't acknowledge your birthday.  That is hard for sure.   But honestly, from what you and eveyrone else tells me, if someone is depressed they are not thinking of anyone else.    It sucks, and I don't think I can let myself stay attached to someone that doesn't eventually reciprocate.   I hope you had a good day regardless...and tried to focus on teh people that were there for you on your day.   

Yesterday was a bad day because my friend ran into my boyfriend's (well I guess I should say "ex" now) friend.. and this friend told her that he had seen my ex at a pub last week and that he found out we broke up.  He said he didn't really get into it so he doens't know much about why we broke up.  I guess it upset me to find out that he was out at a pub... here i am at home feeling horrible and having a hard time accepting everything... and all the while he's out having a beer and socializing.   He was like this before we broke up.. he would often go out by himself for lunch or dinner, or drinks.   I guess that's typical for guys who don't like to cook anyway... but that was one of the issues between us.  He would tell me that he is not up for getting together, but yet he somehow finds the energy to go out (by himself).. it always made me feel bad, but then my friend made a good point.  If you are depressed, it's much easier to be among strangers at a pub who don't know you and won't ask you about your problems.   It's harder to be around someone who cares becusae you feel like you are hurting them when you are sad or angry.  

When I heard he had been out.. I started to think that i must be a fool.  Maybe he is not depressed and maybe he just didn't know how to tell me his feelings had changed.   I haven't been in contact with him since my email to him last week and his response... I did not write back.  Part of me feels that if he cares, I will hear from him eventually.   Most of me doesn't believe he will and that i just need to get over this.   Depends on the day....

Well I hoep you are doing well and being kind to yourself....

YUP, I have been where you are right now. I even wrote a sharepost since I was so offended when I found out my boyfriend is going out and drinking but can't even be with me. Your friend is right though, it is just easier to be alone or around aquaintences and strangers who he doesnt have to be there for emotionally or worry about hurting. My feelings gradually changed from hurt to understanding. If you didn't know your boyfriend suffered from depression it would just be plain hurtful. But know that he really is hurting inside, he feels worthless inside. So I think it is important to let him know in little ways that you do care and that you are there. I was fighting so hard to focus on everyone else who wished me a happy birthday (and thank you!!!) and I did feel the love, but his absence still rings strong. I want him to return to himself so badly, and I have no idea when or if he will. At this point in my life, I really don't need much reciprocation, I just have a knowingness in my heart. He does come through in little ways here and there and it keeps me going. But, like you, have my days of doubt, and wonder what I am doing. Whatever was meant to happen will happen I suppose. And choosing this path at least has opened me up to so much knowledge and great connections like you, so it's not all for nothing right? It snowed on my birthday and I have a cold, so it was a good excuse to just not do much but try not to work myself up in a fit. Now I am feeling better emotionally and ready to celebrate. He is just missing out on so much....and I wonder why it has to be this way

It is frustrating to know he's out there and continuing on with his life.  After talking to the counsellor I do realize that I'm still in the phase of questioning....but I need to find closure for myself, without trying to get it from him.   Ultimately I can't change that he does not want to be with me, and I am not prepared to continue with my life just hoping he will return...that is the hard part I think.... trying to let go.    But I am trying to let myself go through the process and hopefully feel better in time.  

I am so glad that you are taking care of yourself and talking to somone. And you know your limits and do what is right for you. In time, you will feel better whichever way the wind takes you. I had my 'life' on hold before I met my boyfriend to accomplish lots of goals. I am just continuing on and fine with just knowing we were meant to be in each others lives for a reason even if it is very minimal to nonexistant now. He 'rewarded' me in the past when he shut me out for weeks when he was deep in it by saying how special I am and this is what he does, now it's months, I suppose I am even more special...haha. His mom even asked if he was still seeing me before, and he said 'if she is still talking to me'. So I know deep down he doesn't want me to move on. I have so many projects, it can be a year of push/pull for all I care, lol. Everyone is different though

Im so glad i stumbled on this site, I am going through the same thing with my now ex bf, he left me after two years to move 700 miles away to be with his daughter, resulting in both of us having depression, we hung onto hope and were in despair over the distance for the past four months, I continually cried to him about the pain of him leaving and after three months he walked out on a job, stopped texting, calling me and when i confronted him about the new changes he told me he had broke inside i struggled for a month to hold on to him trying to get him to realize what he was doing by shutting himself off from me, i sent gifts, pics, told him how much i loved him etc in the end he broke up with me telling me he couldnt hurt me anymore and to close the door and move on, i was devastated i couldnt understand how he could just close the door on our two year relationship after i gave him solutions to the distance etc, not till i came upon this site did i truly realize this has nothing to do with me and i have been handling the whole thing wrong, ive further pushed him away as my questions and statements hurt me with his cold responses. I now have left the ball in his court to contact me if he wants to talk that im concerned about him. I fear he will get no help and continue to be suicidal since he had talked of it previously and im so far away im feeling helpess, he said his family knows and told him to get help but noone is taking a active role in making sure he does, when a person is depressed isn't it hard for them to get help since they are in such a negative state of mind? I'm so unclear if i should completly walk away or keep the door open being he's depressed and now i realize it isnt about him just not wanting to be with me. This has had a major affect on me as well i have fibromyalgia and its caused a severe outbreak from the stress of it all.

Hey cat, I am desperate to contact anybody that has been in the situation I am in now.  I've talked to my best friend and while she has the best intentions, they are for me and not him.  She wants me to move on and find someone who will treat me better than my depressed bf right now, but I can't possibly do that and just forget the amazing man I fell in love with because I know this isn't him right now, just the depression talking.  I just wanted to know how things worked out for you and if you have ANY suggestions for me, it would be very appreciated.  Thank you!

I felt the same as you did. I was also really afraid of being a fool. And I doubted him and myself and everything we had. After came to this site, I am feeling much better and managed to understand more and think in his shoes.

These two weeks, my guy seems better. He said he aprreciate all the things I did for him and appreciated that I was always by his side. I said maybe I should have let him go earlier so he would feel better. He said that if I did that I wouldn't deserve his love... And I stayed and fought for us. He said I didn't do anything wrong. It's just him.

Everyone is telling me to move on with another man and they keep saying things like "1000 fish in the sea", I just don't want another man. Like you said, I don't need mister right because he is the one for me.

So, Wrecked,  let's have faith and hope for the better. We did and are doing our best. And the best will come later. I do believe that if we get through this, the relationship will be really strong and nothing can beat us anymore. =)

Cat and Wrecked, your discussion here was VERY VERY helpful...

I have just one thing to assure you, because, I am one of these people who is in the same situation as your partner... I am one of these "not ready for a relationship" people, and I am one who feels HUGE HUGE guilt for their partner who are always by my side...

It is not about you !

People... WORLD... depression is killing me... I am trapped in a black hole, it is not about my partner, the depression and the disability involved in it and other mental or personality disorders I have just makes me want to suicide for not hurting such kind people as my partners... and not live in this world anymore for not hurting even other close people, I am hurting my partner, my friends, my family...

Let me say here, that I am not instigating for suicide, suicide is a very immature action and doesn't resolve the problem, further more, we don't own our souls nor have the right to just kill them, only god have the right because God is the creator of it and who made our souls for purpose...

Let me be back again, I felt it is a responsibility for decalring this part regarding sucide.

If I took the medication route, an SRRI medication may cause my feelings to become even more numb, as one of the researches found (you can google for SRRI relationships), depression already makes me feel numb, other mental disorders makes me can't feel any thing, it may be selfish, but this is a human soul in pain, and even in more pain for seeming selfish...even in more pain for feeling guilt... even in more pain for relationship to be unbalanced, even in more pain for being afraid that it is just dependency or attachment, even in more pain for not building a healthy balanced relationship foundation at the appropriate time because my soul was all busy in fighting and screaming for getting help !!!

Oh God... it IS pain... But I trust it is for purpose...

:( :(

Thank you so incredibly much for this. I have been in a state of confusion when my boyfriend told me to move on, he also said that I have not known him that long, no reason to wait for him and my feelings were too quick and strong (after a year of standing by him?) I thought my support might have been much for him, I thought he might want to be with someone else after not seeing or wanting to see me for 5 months, I was going over everything over and over. It's so difficult to tell if it's depression or 'he's just not that into you'. My heart and gut is still with him, and I know to give time for emotions to cool off before trying to make any contact. I know this is such a hell, and just by me being in his life is pressure and guilt.

I can not let go of such a beautiful soul who is in such pain. I am sorry you have to go through this hell. You are so deserving of love even if you have none to give. There is a light and you are right suicide is not the answer, no matter how bad it gets. Just know your words really made me realize just how serious this is, and confirmed what my heart has been telling me all along.

I'm so happy I found this forum.  My Depressed boyfriend of over 6 months now, has finally made the decision that he needs to be alone and figure out his life, get help, etc.  When he first fell into the depression I had no idea what was going on. He could not communicate what he was feeling or thinking.  I did not react well at all becuase of that.  A big regret now.  Now that I know it's depression, I feel it's too late still.  I wish I had found this forum sooner.  I do have a Son who lives with us, he's 4, and his behavior toward him and Us has been very short tempered, due to the inability to even think about "whats for dinner."  I'm kind of rambling right now, sorry.

Anyway, we've done the breakup talk and then immediately gotten back together thing for a while now.  I told him I can't make a decision because I love him, I want to stay and weather this storm with him.  I think it makes him feel worse.  I've offered to pay for counseling, we were told in our Couples Therapy that the depression was brought on by undiagnosed PTSD from his traumatic childhood (which he told me he had worked through, and was over the issues of his childhood while we were dating. Did not know about the PTSD until a few months ago.) But he says he doesn't want me to pay and other excuses, he just must not be ready yet.  He doesn't tell his friends or family about the depression, and I'm scared sick he will just move on to someone else, go out to bars, and bandaid the pain for a while.  I get consumed with these thoughts, I don't want to move out and leave him.  

Thank You for all your honest words! It really helps me keep a level head knowing this is pretty common place with this disease.

I am in the exact same situtation - I don't know how to handle this.

I have lost the love of my life the man i wanted to marry due to depression and stress. For the first time i had wanted to marry this man and hae his children.

 He was going to Afghanistan for work (ARMY) and was taken off the trip. This devastated him and he changed completely - Was constantly mad at the world, lost his affection towards me and hardly spoke, signs of depression. He just wasted himself anymore. He even mentioned once that he felt depressed so i started to prepare myself for this.

 I had moved to be with him to a completely different city and had no one but him. We were so perfect together and everything was great until the loss of the trip. Naturally i started getting upset and started questioning how much he actually loved me due to his moods, and started to question him and get worried when he was ignoring my text messages when having lunch with female friends at work. (ofcourse you would be insecure) I feel these insecuritites started coming on as I wasnt getting all the love and affection and companionship that we had before this. It was so perfect, i can honestly say i was the happiest i had even been!

I did nothing but support him and try and help him through this by being positive and being there for him as a best i could, but that all got thrown back into my face as he felt he was not good enough and down all the time. I moved to this man when he was on the verge of going bank rupt, he was married but seperated and the divorce hadn't gone through AND he had a 2 year old son. I loved this man for what he was what he had and what he was going to be. I took his son as my own and fell in love with him too.

The night it happened I got upset about something and cried and he just said he was "done" and broke my heart whilst i was in hiterics standing in front of him. And said nothing i said was going to chang ehis mind. He was so mad and  had no remorce. No matter what i said he said hes not changing his mind and it was a build up of my insecurities, questions and trust issues??? I know he wasnt thinking straight at the time due to his anger and depression but he was so cold hearted there was nothing i could do. The next morning he told me to leave the keys on the bench as I begged him not to make this the end and say good bye for good. He hugged me and kissed me on the cheek and left me...that was it, everything we had the new home we started and everytyhing we had planned ALL the love and things he promised me GONE.... All i wanted was to help him and make him see that i was hurting and needed some support also...

I called him two days later and asked for a second chance as my heart only belongs to him and I want to be there for him and all he said was "nope"... I have text him ocasionally telling him im thinking of him and missing him and love him...but have not had one reply....

I dont know what to do and am petrified that he will NEVER call me for a second chance. I pray and hope everyday that he will sort through his issues and realise what a gorgeous girl he has here that would do antyhing for him. I cant eat i am on valium to calm me every morning as when i wake up reality hits. I suffer from anxiety and depression myself... So putting on a happy face and suporting him was a very hard task for me. I have faith in his love for me and refuse to beleive that he doesnt love me deep down and its becuase of how he is feeling. I dont know if time will fix things I dont know what to think, im scared to call him as he will possibly tell me there is no chance as he did when this first happened... I wonder if he is even thinking of me as he told me so many time "GOD IM IN LOVE WITH YOU" :-( Im shattered.... And can see nothing but him in my future....

I have a bday present that i bought him in advance for his birthday this month that i am sending with a letter, i dont know if this is the right thing to do but I atleast need to try.....I dont knwo what else to do... If he doesnt want me what else can i do...

Im empty...

I am going through the exact same thing also. We had such a strong relationship and then I started nursing school and I have to admit the stress of it all made me selfish and we started fighting for about 3 weeks non-stop.  I know its my fault for putting so much stress on him and taking things out on him.  I just thought that things would get better eventually, after this semester.  I kept telling myself after this semester.  I feel like I broke him.  He is an ex-marine and I think that has something to do with his break-down.  He told me he can't be around anyone right now and that he gets so angry and he has no emotion.  He never showed me any of these signs or let me in on how I was making him feel by the fighting.  I was too wrapped up in myself, I guess.  I know that I didn't do anything that he couldn't forgive me for.  If he wasn't going through something, under normal circumstances, we could have worked on it.  He just didn't want to, he said it is too hard and he doesn't want to deal with it.  Well as you can imagine I am destroyed because we have almost been together for 3 years now.  He is my best friend, my family, my everything.  I guess I just don't understand why he can't have me in his life anymore to help him.  Why we couldn't work on it.  I guess he really doesn't want to be with me and that hurts the most.

 It seems as though a lot of people are going through the same thng. Loving thoughs with depression is very hard. I am in a similar position (maybe?) I have a ver stressful job as I manage two women's hostels. Most days I take on a lot of people's emotions and I often want to come home to a perfect house with easy conversation and smiles. I guess everyone does. This sometimes happens but not recently. My boyfriend has always gone through periods of not been very happy. He isolates himself and doesn't want to make converstion. He gets obsessed wth things so he can draw into himself. He has watched almost every NMA game since the start of the season and didn't come to bed at all last night. He always comes through it though. But I find it relly hard every time he does this as I am not sure how long it is going to last. It make my life a bit miserable too. I think mybe sometimes it's not worth getting so close to one person so as that it will hurt so much when they are in obvious pain. I never wrote or talked about this so thought it might help. In a way its nice to know people get through this suff but also makes me so sad. I work with people who have serious depression all day every day adn I feel like I given all i can give when I get home at night. I know I'm good at my job but seem to be at a loss when it somes to my own family!!!

 It seems as though a lot of people are going through the same thng. Loving thoughs with depression is very hard. I am in a similar position (maybe?) I have a ver stressful job as I manage two women's hostels. Most days I take on a lot of people's emotions and I often want to come home to a perfect house with easy conversation and smiles. I guess everyone does. This sometimes happens but not recently. My boyfriend has always gone through periods of not been very happy. He isolates himself and doesn't want to make converstion. He gets obsessed wth things so he can draw into himself. He has watched almost every NMA game since the start of the season and didn't come to bed at all last night. He always comes through it though. But I find it relly hard every time he does this as I am not sure how long it is going to last. It make my life a bit miserable too. I think mybe sometimes it's not worth getting so close to one person so as that it will hurt so much when they are in obvious pain. I never wrote or talked about this so thought it might help. In a way its nice to know people get through this suff but also makes me so sad. I work with people who have serious depression all day every day adn I feel like I given all i can give when I get home at night. I know I'm good at my job but seem to be at a loss when it somes to my own family!!!

Hi...I'm very new here..just found this website and it's so helpful seeing that people are going through the same thing I am.  What you said, Wrecked, really hits home with me and I was wondering how your situation is after 3 years?  Please let me know...I'm trying to figure out what to do and how to support my boyfriend.

How you are feeling is normal... trying to make sense of things and question what just happened.   I talked to a counsellor and she explained this is normal... not that i didn't alreay know that, but it does help to hear it from a trained professional.    I think I have been focusing too much on replaying what he said the last time I talked to him and questioning if what he said is truthful.   The counsellor's point to me was that yes it's okay to wonder all these things and talk about it... but I have to look for closure within myself.  Even if I ask him, he might not know because he didn't know in the first place.   The same may or may not be true in your case.   I think that is easier said than done to reach that closure, and I'm definitely a long way off!   I also think everyone has a different timeline.  For me it might take weeks or longer of going through that questioning process... for someone else it might be quicker.     Although it's difficult, you are giving him what he wants right now.... which is time alone.  I am not sure how long you have been apart from your boyfriend, but if he's still responsive that is a good thing.  I am sure in my case, he would probably respond if I contacted him, but I have decided not to do so... it's just too upsetting for me at this point and i think it will keep me all wound up in his problems.   I understand what you are saying about feeling that you can't talk to friends out of respect for his privacy...however, you need to take care of yourself as well.  And part of that includes seeking support from others on sites like this as well as people that know you personally.   I think there is a way to seek support from family/friends without disrespecting his privacy, as long as you trust the people you are talking to.    This website is great and please write here anytime.... there is always someone here to listen.   

Thank you for your response.  It's not easy I can tell you that.  I saw him yesterday and he just seemed kind of angry and short.  I know it's not directed to me, but just in general, he's just angry for the situation he's in.  I don't know if it was a good thing or a bad thing for me to go over there, because I'm not sure if he even wanted me over there, but I also understand that some depressed people will make a split decision and then change their mind.  I didn't spontaneouly go over there.  I went over there because he and I had contacted each other earlier in the day.  It ended up me letting him know that I did miss him...and I told him that I'm trying to give him his space and for him to let me know whenever he's ready we can meet up.  He decided to make the effort to see me yesterday.  I know it'll be days again probably before we make contact again.  I even know that he and I may never return to where we were and I accept that.  I just want to know he's okay, because he doesn't have a big support circle.  All I can do is have faith and pray. 

I hope this site is helping you cat too. 

Hang in there... I think it's good that you had the opportunity to tell him all that.  It probably felt good to get it out there too.   Now you have told him so he knows.   I wish I could have contact with him, but it's been 2 weeks today and I have heard nothing from him, except his email last week (only in respose to one I sent him after we broke up.. telling him I still care).  He said in the email that he is sorry he hurt me and he hopes I am okay.  I did not reply.   It is good that you let him know you still care, but you are giving him space.   I feel guilty that I didn't have the chance to tell him all that in my case... but he chose to end things so there is nothing I can do.   I did tell him in my email that I am just a phone call, email or text message away if he needs anything... but I haven't heard from him.   Keep me posted on how you are doing and write anytime.    If he is allowing you to stay in his life and wants to see you and asked you to go over, that is a positive thing.  

Hi Cat,

Thanks for your kind heart.  I'm sorry that he hasn't contacted you, but at least he did respond to your email.  I'm sure he's still trying to figure things out too.  Give it some time.  It's still early, from all the posts that I'm reading...it seems that they themselves need to figure out what's going on in their heads too.  I know it's not easy at all.  I'm sure you're dearly missed by him and he struggles with that too.  This situation is not easy for either of you I'm sure, because I struggle with it too.

He contacted me today via phone, which surprised me.  We didn't have any deep conversation, nor do I know why he contacted today.  He contacted me the other day too.  I do miss him, and I am guilty at times to wish that all this would go away.  It's such an uncomfortable feeling.  I feel as though I need to surpress my feelings because he's not ready to hear all of how I'm feeling.  I believe that it would only stress him out even more so I keep it light.  I'm not sure if that's what he wants to hear, or if he still wants to know that I still care.

There is so much more to this situation...just like I'm sure of yours.  I'm still not sure where I stand in his life.  I feel like we're not even friends anymore because there's not a connection even when I'm there with him.  It saddens me, however I'm still hanging in there and still praying every day that it will all come clear.

Feel free to contact me if you are feeling low.  I know that there are some days that's even worse then other days.  I know that this site helps to let us know we're not alone out there.

It is helping me to read these posts, as I am going through a very hard time right now.  The man I've been dating for the past 4 months wants to end it with me.  Things were going well for a while, we dated, spent one intimate weekend together at our 3 month mark, enjoyed similar interests, etc.  He talked about how much of a lady I was, how attractive I am, and how he was trying to build a relationship with me as he felt we were so good together.  He even talked about us doing things in the future together; vacations, etc.   Just these past few weeks he has been distant.  He used to initiate texts & phone calls more at first, but not much over the past few weeks.  I must add that earlier this year his ex girlfriend moved out on him but he says she still contacts him from time to time.  Note that we are both in our 50's so we are not kids.  Earlier this week I asked if we could talk, and he called me 3 nights ago and said he will talk with me, but he is going thru hard times right now with his sick mom and job worries.  His tone of voice was cold.  I asked him if we were breaking up, and he said it may come to that cause he can't give me what I want and he isn't making me happy.  He said this is all his fault, and has nothing whatsoever to do with me, and that there are things about him he hasn't told me about, and he will talk with me about it.  It's been 3 days since that call & he hasn't talked with me yet.  He has a demanding job as well.  Please help me.  I have not contacted him.  I feel he is going thru enough and doesn't need me getting in the way.  But I want to know why..... I am crushed as I really enjoyed him.  Just a week ago he told me he didn't want to lose me, but if I wasn't happy I should cut him loose.  I don't want to lose him; I would be happy to see him just as casually dating, but I don't think he wants that either.  Do you think the ex is what's confusing him?  Please help me. I am crying too much and I just want us to have that final talk so I can move on.  

hi, there. I read this. I would like some more info, help etc. My boyfriend of 4 months suffers from on/off depression bouts. The one that he is in now started 5 days ago and I have had one sms. It said 'its nothing to do with you. I am in a bad space because of the way I treat you. I am constantly verbally and emotionally abusing you and I dont like myself like this. I think we need a break so I can think about why I am like this. I am sorry. I'll still keep incontact but I need a break"...that was all. I have not heard anything in 4 days and he does not reply to any sms's. I left a support card and cuddly toy for him for support and nothing. so what now?

Okay, here's an update...I don't know if it will give you some comfort or make things worse, but I'm going to say what happened to me tonight.  I realize that these guys that we care about are going through a really, really tough time.  Communication is key because it helps, however these guys feel that they should be alone to go through whatever it is that they're going through on their own.  In my case, the guy feels like he's the guy and he needs to figure things out on his own and to not burden anyone that he cares about.  The unfortunate thing is that there is someone that truly cares about him that is right there.  It will take time and heartache to go through the ups and downs.  You supress how you feel for the sake of his.  Trust me, I know.  Today, I went and saw him because I really had to get things off my chest because I realize that I'm not being myself either.  It is selfish, but like someone said, you have to take care of yourself also because depression is contagious.  Anyhow, I went and saw him.  He wasn't stressed out at first but because I was talking to him about the way I was feeling...things got dramatic because emotions are involved.  The situation stressed him out big time.  I won't go through the event of what transpired, but it was stressful.  In the end, I realize that my self-doubts are my own.  I realize also tonight that it isn't because he doesn't care but that he cares a great deal.  Maybe I'm fooling myself, but you kind of have to go with your initial instinct.  There are people who aren't in my situation and telling me that he's pulling a wool over my eye, but they don't know the entire detail of what is going on.  I don't share it because it's his private affair.  I can tell you this though, what I saw tonight, I would think it takes a real deviant to do what he does.  He still cares, but he's having a hard time internalizing everything.  That is part of the depression.  For whatever reason, He needs to figure out why he feels the way he does.  We communicated and I realize he cares a great deal more than I'm willing to accept on my own because I have trust issues.  We would go back and forth talking about the same thing, and yes it gets draining.  In the end, I just had to say...can we stop talking about this?  I think that was the best solution.  I know that I'm not giving much more detail, but again, I'm having a hard time putting it all out there because of respect for him.  Anyhow, I realize that at this moment...whatever our situation is, I kind of stress him out and he stresses me out.  It's natural.  I left letting him know in the end that I care a great deal for him...it's important that he knew that.  I also realize too that I may need a break from him myself for like 2 weeks.  It will take time like someone said but if you can endure all this, then it makes you guys that much stronger. 

Thanks for the update! It confirms what I suspected, that they can not handle anything emotional but do care a great deal. It has been a while for me, and a lot of trial and error. Sometimes I have moments of doubt, as we are all human, but it would take someone very cruel to just 'fake' this to move on. I still get nervous and have self doubts, but then I am proved ridiculous. I can now go through an emotional roller coaster on my own (and here) without burdening him and making it all worse. It takes a lot of faith, trust and hope....and love. Take a break, and spoil yourself! I will follow my advice as well

You are welcome.  It's not easy and it is an emotional roller coaster.  I will try and take a break, but heart and mind want to do two different things.  We are human.

I found this article to be very helpful... not sure if you have come across it yet:

http://www.healthcentral.com/depression/c/4446/76346/depressed-men

Didn't know that so many girls are going trhough the same thing.

I was in a long distance relationship. We managed to do it quit well laste year and he suddenly told me that he was having doubts and wanted space and time. He said he was bad, felt like failure and wreck. I went to see him twice in two months and tried to give him confidence but didn't work out. I was too hurt. He said I am too far away which makes him really sad and he is too depressed about everything in his life. After almost 2 months, I said I could hold anymore. He cried a lot and the second day he said ok. He said he didn't know that I was so hurt and the break up could make him less guilty. He doesn't seem so bad as your boyfriends. I reall want him back. He says his feelings never changed and he still wants to be more than friends. I don't know what can I do to get him back.

I'm sorry that you're going through this because I know it's so hard.  You want them back...to that happy place where you and him were, and it's so hard because you feel like you're just outted out of their lives.  I'm having a hard time too.  Me and the guy I was seeing keep in touch.  Today, he called me, but there wasn't any intimate conversations because I'm just trying to keep it light.  I don't know why he called and it's terrible that I end up second guessing his reason for calling you.  I struggle trying not to pour my guts out to him of how I feel because it will only stress him out further.  It's not easy on me, and as we hung up, I feel sadden.  I want to be able to just go to him and hug him.  To have that closeness, but at the same time I end up supressing my feelings.  I don't know if this happens to you, but it also saddens me that he and I may not be the same ever again.  I try moving on and be his friend, because that's what he needs now but it's so hard.  Feelings just don't go away easily.  I don't know what you could do to get him back.  From the readings on this site, it seems like respecting their wishes is the best thing for them while they're going through this low point in their lives.  It's hard though...very hard.  I write on this site because I can't share how I feel with him, so I share with those who are going through the same thing.  I hope in the end that every one will have a happy ending.

Thank you so much for your words. =)

It's has been 2 months. In the end of Sept, I felt there was something wrong with him. Sometimes I called, he was impatient and said he was always sleeping. I didn't quite understand it. The second day of Oct, I said that we need to talk. He burst into tears and said" I am having doubts". I was in a shock. He said he didn't go to classes those days. (We are still in university) Basiclly, he satyed in his room watching movie or sleeping. He said he got lost and he couldn't think about anything. I went there to visit him.(3 hours by airplane) He seemed happy when he got me in the airport. We talked and didn't resolve anything. He said he wanted time and space.

When I came back, I satrted to doubt everything. Like you guys said, sometimes I am really afraid of being a fool. There are many times I told myself, maybe what he wanted is just not me. We are too far away from each other. Maybe he do need someone to be there by his side. I taled this with him. He said there is one girl going after him. She is nice and funny. He can not say he has no interests but he doesn;t want anything from her.  But after he told me this, I got even angrier. I started to think that everything he told me before was not true.  He said if he breaks up with me, he is not gonna be with no one.

This kind of conversation kept going for like 50 days. We were always talking the same things. He said he understand how my situation but he wouldn't repeat his answers again. He said that I kept asking him about that girl, looks like i want to make sure that he cheated so I could end this relationship easily. Maybe subconciously, I did think that way. I don't know.

The second time when I went there, I felt him even futher from me. But we tried to have some good time. He held my hand through a movie time in the cinema and told me that he loves me on the street. Before I left, he even told me that he was gonna try for us, he would try to get better. 

But two days later, when I asked him " are you better" "why you told me those things", he got impatient again. I screwed it. He went  back to the begining. =( The same conversation started to repeat again. He just said that he is not in a balance. He wanted to stop and run away to somewhere, alone and think about his life. He also didn't understand what happened to him.

In the end of Nov, I said him a letter to tell him that I was also not ok. Maybe even worse than him. I couldn;t fall asleep, lost appetite and feeling everything hopeless. I called him then to say "you are free now". He cried and refused to talk to me.

The second day we broke up. He said that his family told him if he continue, I would start to hate him and we would lose all the chances in the future. So he agreed.

We are friens now. I try not to contact him as before and everytime we talk, i try to wear a brave face and make joke with him.It's really hard to be friends when all I want is to be his "the one" like before.

SOme days ago he told me that he feels like a failure and not confident anymore. He felt like he has no future and can not do anything. I thought about all these reasons. It was the first time he talked about it by himself. He started to realize what was going on in his head. Maybe it;s even a good thing for him.

Last weekedn, I was mad at him for being late for four hours for skype. He told me that he started to do some exercise and go to classes everyday. He is getting better and he still wants to be more than friends in the future. Then I apologize for being mad and said that we should keep things easy and happy.

I am also getting better. I am still holding the hope that we can start over. I got a lot of help from you girls' words. Thank you so much!

Hi..as I was saying in another post.. I've been haivng a hard time logging onto the website so I'm sorry for the delay in responding to your post.    Your situaiton is a difficult one, like many of the people that have posted here.   Like in many of the other situations, it seems like your boyfriend wants to be left alone to deal with his depression.  But that doens't mean you can't still support him.   Keep doing what you are doing...sending him messages and telling him you are there for him... but give him the space he needs.   The good thing is, he has sought help before so it was obviously helping him.   Why did he stop going???    I understand the way you feel as my situaiton was similar...the decreased contact from him, the 180 degree difference in his personality, and just a general feeling that he's not "there" like he used to be.    I did everything I could, supported him and gave him some space when he asked... and he still cut me off from his life.   I can't even keep in touch as he has told me he has no feelings left for me.  Whether it's the depression or not, I will never know.   It's devestating.  He is like a completely different person.. I noticed that the last time we spoke.    I hope your boyfriend continues to go to his counselling and I think you are doing everything you can do.   Try to keep the lines of communication open and let him know you are there for him if he needs you.

Just want to give u a hug and say happy new year.

I know in my shoes how hard it is. I know. I have been through the same things.

I shrink told me to tell him that I am still there for him when he needs. But that doesn't work very well. Did u see my post up? I think the best thing you can do is let him know you love him and you did it already, and so, now, give him the space he wants. Personally, I think it works better than being around and being emotional. Just try to act strong when u are near him and be happy. Have the help if you need. In my case I also got in the trap of depression. So really take care of yourself. I know you don't want to do it at all but do it please.

You are not alone. Be strong. =)

Thanks, your advice was very helpful. Right now I am giving him his space. In my last email to him I told him that I want him to be okay, that I still love him, and that I am here for him. Now I just have to leave him alone and give him time to sort out his issues. I hope that when he is feeling like himself again, he and I might reconnect...but at the same time, I worry that this might just happen again. For right now, I am just trying to focus on getting on with my life and trying to be strong. I still love him, and I know he still loves me so for now that will have to be enough. Happy new years to you too!

Hi, I'm so sorry to post this but so much of your story is mine. I dated my husband for 3 years, married l0. We had a wonderful marriage. Never fought, loved each other madly..we had a "5 minute rule" where when we were out of each other's sights in the house for more than 5 we could steal a kiss. On Valentine's day just before he left, he gave me the best day and we he thought I was sleeping tucked me and and kissed me so lovingly. Then he lost his business and I found out he was in debt with it. He left, he said, for two days to get his head straight. He didn't return. When I saw him a month later he was in a deep depression, hadn't shaved etc. and was having panic attacks. He'd also started smoking. He said much the same as yours except that as soon as he got his head straight he'd come home because he loved us so much. Anyway..it got worse so I convinced him to get Anti-depressants..a few months later I found out, a woman picked him up on Myspace..He talked to her for comfort with his depression. Then she bought him a trip to another country. He went. He betrayed..me..when I'd hung in with his massive depression. Was the depression a lie..no..His doctor told me it was bad and that he is still heavily depressed. Yet still he stays with her and doesn't come home. BTW...I model face covers..have a business..which I do very well at and loved him truly. This woman he settled with according to my friends, is one of the least attractive women they've ever seen. Bad skin, hair, teeth, broke and can barely speak English. Plus, she sleeps with married men. So who can tell the mind of the depressed. I am devasted and believe I may never recover from this. Good luck to you all and I hope it doesn't happen to you.

I've read through all the posts and realized that there were too many good girls out there. But you got to take care of yourself too. Even the other person is depressed they still need to appreciate and care otherwise it is a dead end relationship and going nowhere. It is not a one way effort. In my case I ENDED it. Let me share some experience of overcoming the sadness of the break up

1. Dont take it personal. Read enough about depression. Just think it is all for the best to let go. As you see the examples of depression on line. None has happy endings. NONE. No matter how caring you are, how patient you are. It is just all wasted. Depressive person lost their emotions and they wont appreciate. You are darn right. They are not the same person you were in love with.

2. Open yourself to other guys. Attend more social activities. Never spend too much time alone. Thinking about this relationship over, over and over again. Try to analyze what had happened. Nothing had happened. The depressive person fell out of love. When he came out of his dperessive episode he may or may not contact you. He might feel ashamed of himself to even contact you again. He might get another girl  and try to start over again. Even if he contacted you he would do the same thing again, again and again. Shut you out and hurt you. Do you want that in your life? We only live once. Why would we put so much sorrow and pain in our lives. Remember this is a life time suffering. Wasting your time with them is like shutting out all the other good guys. Maybe you think you may never met some good guy. But you got to try and give your happiness another chance.

3. Pick up your hobbies. If you like watch movies, spend more time watching movies, comedies. If you like sports go out do some fun sports.  If you like playing VID games, or any kind of games. just play it and keep yourself happy

4. Go out shopping with  your girls.

5. take a vacation

6. focus on your career. Keep busy..

7. Think of his shortcomings if you have to think about him. Focus on the bad moments with him. In my case, my depressed ex had numerous shotcomings. Or be simple. the only good thing about him is he is very handsome. Well, screw it I need a better personality or a good balance.

8. Think of an ideal partner you want to have and how far this guy is from your ideal partener. Or think of the past guys you have loved or have loved you. How much they treated you better than this depressed dude.

I got over my depressed boyfriend in two months. I am a emotional person. This is the quickest turnaround I had. I had two breakups within a year. Spend 6 months getting over the first guy. That guy was normal and nice. When I met my depressed ex I was very happy and thought eventually somebody took me out of my blue mood. Unfortunately it was the start of another disaster. We were happy for a few months. Then his depression came along.

All I am trying to say is LEAVE firmly. Dont look back and dont get involved further. However you can still stay friends and be there for them if they need. But as far as relationship goes find yourself another guy.

My depressed ex compromised for me. He worked on it for a while. My final peice of advise is if you do want to work out with your depressed partner, you need to be tough.  Be firm on what you need. Dont be afraid of hurting him. When I was tough with my ex he treated me better and worked harder on our relationship. When I started compromise and being nice and understanding he changed to a different person. Give tough love to the depressed ones.

All the best girls! You all deserve better.

How are things going, lost?  I think you're right in backing off for a while.  It's really hard to deal with these guys after a while - all the mixed messages, etc.  It's good you're taking a break.  It really is up to him to get the help he needs.  I've come to the conclusion that without that it's practically impossible for these guys to be in a relationship.

I'm back in touch with my ex (boyfriend?).  We're talking, but I don't think it'll be long before there'll be another 'break-up'.  Too be honest, I'm getting tired of hanging around waithing too.  I think it may be time for me to focus on other things, and see if he actually gets some help for his depression.

Good luck to you.

Thanks Hope,

Yeah I need some space from my ex right now too. This has been, more than anything, just emotionally exhausting. I've been trying to focus on my hobbies, spending time with friends and stuff like that. The last time I sent my ex a message I finally just came out and asked him if he was depressed. He replied and says he is not depressed...so yeah. I don't know anymore, he doesnt really want to talk to me or anyone else so I'm just gonna give him some space for a few weeks and then maybe see if he wants to talk. I hope things work out for you too!

Hi Lost,

How are things going?  I'm seeing my boyfriend again.  He's feeling better, but I know he'll push me away again the next time he feels depressed.  He says he's trying to get help so he'll never disappoint me again.  I guess we'll see, but I'm not holding my breath.  I'm so drawn to him because, when he's not depressed, he's so great and we're so good together.  I am seeing him less and I'm trying not to jump right back in.  Still, I know... I'm probably the biggest idiot around.

By the way, your boyfriend is depressed whether he wants to admit or not.  He just can't get the perspective to accurately assess his feelings since he's so caught up in the distorted thinking... he's better off alone, he doesn't care about anything etc.  I know it's hard, but I think you're right to focus on other things and people.  The good/bad news is that he probably will start to feel better and contact you.  That's what I'm going through now - I want to see him, but I can't deny his issues and the fact that I likely will go through all this misery again. From what I've read here, people who are depressed need to feel that their loved ones won't give up on them.  I guess it comes down to how much we can take.  Also, they have to acknowledge their issues and get real help at some point, right?  That's still my bottom line...

Anyway, I hope you're doing ok. 

Hope

Thanks Hope,

I'm doing alright right now at least. I've cut off contact with my ex for the time being. Right now I'm focusing on getting over him and moving on, there isnt anything else to do, he wont admit he's depressed and he wants to be alone so I cant just wait around forever. I've been forcing myself to socialize more and meet other guys to remind myself that there are other guys in the world. Having fun helps, my ex's depression really brought me down over the past six or so months and that really messed me up. Now I'm just focusing on getting myown personality back and finding happiness again with someone who wants that and is able to handle that right now. I sent me ex a farewell email letting him know that if he ever wants to contact me that he can and that a part of me will always love him and that "we" will always be at least a possibility for me in the future. Thanks for your support Hope! Hope all goes well with you and your man too!

Lost (to be found)

I know this is terribly hard.  Thank you for sharing the letter from him.  It helps me to understand how my boyfriend is feeling even though he won't say much on his own.  It's been 5 months today since I broke up with him because he was non-communicative and I felt like he was pushing me away.  I have lived the same hell as all of you for these past five months.  We were together for three and a half years prior to this change in him.  He was the most energetic and upbeat person during that whole time.  I was blindsided by the change in him.  After five months I still cry almost every day. This weekend he is supposed to come and move out the last of his things.  I'm afraid this will be the true end.  I'm so fearful that I won't hear from him again.

Hi Again,

 I know how upsetting this is, and impossible to understand. I don't know what to say about your situation, as I don't know the backround. But for me, over the past 2 weeks a lot have happened.

Even though I broke all contact with my ex, he still couldn't resist texting me. It was always different kinds of text messages. Sometimes he was just broken , sad and in bits. And sometimes he was just blaming me for eveything that has happened.

I know he started therapy last week as he called me and told me about it after his first session. I was pleased to hear but didn't change that fact that we were still not together anymore.

I kept my distance. Two days ago he started harrassing me with text messages that he was sure I met someone else and that I never loved him etc etc. This was in the middle of the night and called him back to ask what in the world he was doing.. He broke up with me!!!!

Then he broke down over the phone.. just in bits crying.. I asked him if he wanted me to come over. As he said yes, I went to his place and we spent the night talking. Talking for the first time in 2 months since he left me. He finally told me what was wrong, and that something really bad had happened to him when he was a child. (won't go into details here) And that all he does now is to run away from everything that scares him. He has been doing so all his life. Just starting over , a new life when things got tough. I Listened to him and he was deeply sorry he has pushed me away and never told me this. He promised me he would keep communication open from now on and that he will continue therapy. I know this can backfire any second. But at least he wants to try to get better and eventually we can be a couple again. This is a better progress that I could ever have hoped for but i am scared to death he will go back to the other state of mind that doesn't want to be with me. The day after he did book therapy on this coming Friday and he wants me to come with him to listen to what he is going through. I have told him I will come with him.

I truly hope therapy will make him whole again. he is in such a mess and needs to sort out and finally face what happened to him as a child. I love him deepy and have hope again! But afraid my heart will be crushed again.

Thanks everyone for sharing.

It really helps.

Anna  

Anna, that sounds encouraging.

Your story truly touched me Anna. Everything aside from being engaged is literally exactly the same. Yesterday was the day i told him that being in communication is emotionally draining and I can't do it because it's killing me. It was very emotional. In addition, I stated that if he calls me to talk, to only call me if he is going to have a discussion. I know as much as he does a fantastic job of acting like he hates me and wants nothign to do with me when we are apart, that he also can't do without me. "Breaking up" was confusing for him and myself. I believe and hope that it kicked in to your fiance and my bf when you/i were the ones to say "i can't be in communication with you anymore, its too hurtful."

I hope that he too will take the steps to see his doctor after this weekend (he moves in to a much better environment.) I wish you all the best, please keep us posted. I understand the pain too well and its not something I would wish on my worst enemy. Its hard to talk to anyone close to you about it. I know I haven't.

I have read your story and I think you are the most brilliant and strong woman that a man could ask for. You have shown patience and understanding and he would be so very lucky to have you by his side. But you are right, depression and relationships do not go together and it is nearly impossible. It has been a month since my guy cut me out but I have written something very thoughtful, to try to be let back in, even as a friend right now. I know I, and anyone who wants to make the effort to be in a depressed ones life, is very special indeed. I am actually glad my guy refuses to take medicine that makes him not feel feelings for this very reason. I believe this is what happened in your case. It really makes no sense. You seem very patient and unclingy, so it's nothing you've done to set him off. It's heartbreaking. You seem to have a way with words, so think of an email saying how important he was to you in your life and would like to at least be friends. That is all he can handle and then take it from there. Enough time has passed that you have given it genuine thought and the feelings are real. I simply can not move on either. Nothing makes sense and I truly believe he wants me in his life. I just made a horrible mistake of putting pressure on him. It wont hurt giving it a try to get some kind of contact going, his feelings might have changed. Who knows what goes on in their minds from day to day.

Thank you so much for your kind words.  It is indeed a heartbreaking situation to find yourself in.  You know the person inside is still there, but there is this horrible illness that stops them shining through and stops them being that person that we fell in love with.

I have been strong but I have had unbearable moments of weakness, but I knew that I could not show that to him as that would have just increased the guilt he would have already been feeling (due to his illness) tenfold and would have made things a hell of a lot worse. 

When someone is depressed, the become selfish, irrational, illogical and oblivious to what they are doing to the people around them.  What we have to try and do is remember that none of it is our fault, nor is it theirs. 

That special, beautiful person is still in there somewhere, they just need time to some back.  I know that he will not find someone who will be as patient, understanding and supportive as I have been.  I believe we were made for each other and that my strength for him is the most important trait I can offer him.  Because, let's face it, if he recovers from this, he will most likely have another depressive episode at some point soon which will undoubtedly be more debilitating than this one.  He will repeat this pattern over and over again.  What upsets me the most is that he may never truly be happy.

At the moment we are making small amounts of contact here and there.  He invited me to his gig on Saturday night.  I went, with a friend in tow in cae it was too difficult for me.  A lot of his friends and family whom I had grown close to were there and it was lovely to see them again.  However, he was extremely ambivalent about me being there.  He was polite and personable but it was obvious that he finds it extremely difficult to speak to me, probably because he knows he has hurt me beyond words and seeing me most likely reignites feelings of guilt and start to make him feel bad again. 

Right now, all I can do is try to be around for him as a friend, friendship is at least the one thing he has a grasp on and can maintain.  But it's not going to be easy, I just cannot let him see the pain i'm in.

I came across this thread by accident really, but reading through everyone's posts has been a huge help.  It cements in my mind that my perspective on this whole situation is most probably correct, it is comforting beyond words to find some justification for his actions without actually being able to speak to him.

At the moment, he seems better, he is bubbly, cheerful and talkative... with everybody but me!  I think he believes that he is better and that his epiphany about everything with me being a mistake was in fact what he TRULY felt as he was no longer depressed, or no longer FELT depressed.  Unfortunately the truth is that he will not be able to get a grasp of his true feelings until he is off medication and is, in fact, BETTER.  However, no one can guage how long that could take, weeks, months, years... maybe never.

I love him all the same and I'm glad I do, love is as beautiful as it is painful and truly feel that I have grown through this experience... it will just take a little longer before i'm completely at peace and can actually look at this situation and thank him for these lessons learned.

YOu are absolutely right!  It IS going to be okay.   It's the only thing that I choose to believe, because believing otherwise just gets me down.   I hope you are still feeling postive and keeping your head up!  

My advice is not something you'd like to hear. Just a few weeks you can get over it. People with depression want to get rid of depression so whenever they meet girls they like they seem temporarily snap out of it so they are excited and all saying all kinds of nice things such as "you are the best thing ever happen to me...I love you..." I've been through those.  Soon they found out that a relationship doesnt help and it mnight make them feel worse. They are selifsh. They back off for their own sake. If they dont know what they want there is nothing you could do to change them or get them back. Basically you have to cut him out. If you get obsessed and keep contacting him things will get worse. They may get really rude to you and say hurtful things. As far as I read so far, sorry, no happy endings with the depressed one. You have no choice but move on because you can't get him back just by standing by his side. It has to be him to make the effort.

Just an update...and asking for any guidance!

He is seeing his friends and trying to reconnect with people from his past...This makes me think that is not just depression becasue why would he just be pushing me away? His attitude change was overnight with me. He refused to answer my e-mails/texts and finally did and said he couldn't be my boyfriend right now and he just knows that he needs this and that I am not giving him space... I spoke to another friend who was actually the depressed person in a relationship and he said to just not talk to him and that if he doesn't contact me in a month then it probably was not depression. My ex has been so mean to me I can't believe the same person who said such loving things to me could now not even have teh decency to have a final conversation with me. His response was the closure I needed for now, I put myself out there and we will see what happens. This is very difficult to deal with but thank you for everyone's stories here because they have made me feel better!

My situation is/was similar.  My boyfriend went from point A to point Z (I would say A to B, but A to Z is more accurate ;) ) and I don't even quite know what happened.  We went from talking about me moving to be with him, to him having all sorts of family and work problems (which I believe led to the depression), and then "POOF!" -he's gone, without anymore than a four line email as an explanation. 

Just let him be.  Even if it's not technically depression, it sounds like he's going through something.... if you push him, it's going to make him withdraw further.  Give him space and try to distract yourself in the meantime while you wait.  It could take him more than a month to sort his head out.....there's really no time limits for things like this - everyone is different and handles their problems differently. 

Just a side note about guys and withdrawal.  My mom and dad (who have been married for 40 years) dated for 5 years before they got married.  But, my mom and to give my dad an ultimatum  - either they get married or she would nee to find someone else.  My dad went away and didn't contact my mom for 6 weeks while he tried to figure out what he wanted. And he didn't have depression - he was just working out a serious problem.  Anyways, my point is that a lot of "healthy" men tend to withdraw when they have problems - and I think that the withdrawal just gets that much worse when they have depression.

hey cat, would like to say a big thankyou to you, and wrecked and john, for making me feel not so isolated in this tangle.

i have been with my boyfriend for 6 years, and we never argue, and he is most definitely who i am meant to be with. i had been with lots of nice people before, but this is totally different, and sounds corny, but our souls are entwined and i have no choice but to be in love with him and try and see him through this.

now i think about it properly, i believe his depression has been coming on for at least a couple of years, since his dad died, and i found out he was sporadically sleeping with one of his casual friends. i think the confusion of how upset he was when his dad died, despite the fact he felt he wasn't as close to him as he was his mum, and the guilt that he had upset me with the sort of affair gradually dragged him down.

in the last few months he has become more grumpy, antisocial, and more critical of everything around him, myself especially. i know from talking to mutual friends that he loves me completely, (although he says he can feel nothing for anything at the moment,) and that we are meant to be together.

it is bloody tough though.

in the last month i have seen him twice, and both times he was very non-communicative.

i send him the odd text now and then, but not too much. i hope that maybe he will miss me, and it will spur him into action to go and seek help, although when i have broached the subject gently he was not at all keen. years before i met him he had a breakdown and was in a mental hospital for a few weeks, but when i met him he was totally happy and sorted.

his mum says this is always what he does when things are wrong with him - he currently has a very bad back and is in a lot of pain and is awaiting surgery.

i try to look after my head and be happy and go out and have fun with my friends, but it is difficult as i am always missing him. especially hard as my best friend has just moved away.

it's hard to think whether you're getting the balance right, you want them to know you're still there and thinking of them, but don't want to be an extra burden to them, too many texts and they feel overwhelmed and guilty for not being a better boyfriend; too many or none at all and they feel neglected which perpetuates their depressed view of no-one cares which also makes it worse.

really helps getting this all out, even if no-one reads it!

have felt very highly strung over last few weeks, not able to eat or sleep properly, have to take care coz i also prone to mini bouts of depression, but haven't properly fallen into my pit of despair for a good few years. the responsibility of being a mum helps me to stop myself, as does being able to let off steam and party at the weekends with mates.

just have to keep on believing in yourself, and himself.

if you do, then there's nothing else you can do!

aint easy.

big hugs to you all! lizx

Hi,

I have been through what you have been through. Same, exactly the same.

I too am living in my own flat now. You can read my story posted a bit further up. I too got blamed for everything. I waited 6 weeks, and his breakdown finally came when he called me in tears wanting me back. I only took him back if he acepted therapy. He did. This is now 5 moths ago and I we have been talking about moving in and getting engaged again as everything seemed so wonderful and his depression was gone. He was the man i fell in love with again. I was reluctant to do anything but wait and give it more time. But basically lived at his place, but kept my apartment just in case.

2 Weeks ago I found out he have been cheating on me while going out of the country visting his family. So i took my stuff and i left.... again... He wrote me a letter saying he wants me back... I want to forgive but how can I, when i feel his actions and words does not match. 

Anyway that is my update. There is hope for depression but not for assholes. Feel free to write me at any time. 

all the love to all out there going through difficult times!

Hey Anna, it's so great to know that there are other people going through this too! Sounds like you're doing so well, coping and feeling good about yourself :) It's been about 3 weeks, and I get the odd text - always about stuff I've left there, which I told him clearly to chuck away! - but haven't replied to anything. I'm changing my phone number and he has no idea where I live, which actually feels pretty great.

But here's the amazing thing: suddenly I can BREATHE again! I had NO IDEA what hell I was living in until I got out; I really thought everything was fine. But it wasn't, it really wasn't. I wake up every morning feeling happy! The constant health worries I had - and which my doctors all attributed to stress - have disappeared; I love my job again, it no longer takes an insurmountable effort to get to work in the morning; I've reconnected with my family and friends and realised how much they love me; and I'm going out and having a fantastic time. I had absolutely no idea how bad he was for me - I really can't believe the change in myself. It's amazing to wake up in the morning and not be constantly afraid of how he's going to take it out on me today. I was so deeply caught in his sick cycle of anger that I just couldn't see how much it was killing me. As a naturally positive person I do tend to remember the good things we had in the beginning, and that does happen a lot, but then I remind myself of how amazing I feel now compared to 6 weeks ago!

Part of me hopes he will realise how badly he's treated me and acknowledge it. But most of me says: leave me alone, I'm alive again!

Life has stopped being grey and I can see the sky :)

Let me know what happens with you, loads of love and strength!

Thank you! That was the most encouraging thing I read so far! I too want to feel happy again when I wake up in the morning. I cant beleive after such a short time you feel so great already. How uplifting that is to hear. I am seing him after work today to "talk",  and I hope that I can find my inner stregnth to get out of this for good. I know he will keep on hurting me if i stay, but it hurts cuase i love him so deeply.

/Anna

Wow, it's so great to hear back so soon :) You sound like you're pretty strong already, you're certainly not in denial about how badly you have been treated, adn you know your own mind, good for you :)

I think the reason it's not taking me longer to get over this is because I did a lot of mourning the relationship while I was actually in it. If someone throws you out of your house 6 times, no matter how much denial you're in, you start to grieve for the way things were. So I think I've been grieving this relationship for the last year, while I was in it.

The other thing that helped me was the therapist asked me to write down how I felt while I was with my ex. Whenever I get too positive (!) and start remembering the good times when we first met, I go back and skim what I wrote in the last 6 months - it's heartbreaking to read, but it really helps me to remember how cruelly I was being treated.

Myabe try writing down the stuff that hurt you or that you're feeling? When you read it back, it might give you that extra bit of strength to do what's right for you - whatever that may be :)

I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you this evening. Good luck, loads of love and be strong xxx 

HI,

Wanted to share at least a little light...My story is above as well if you wanted to read it. My ex fiance wanted me back 2 months after he ran out on me and the wedding. We are now trying again as boyfriend and girlfriend only. And altough I live mostly in his apartment I still have my own apartment for back up. He is doing weekly therapy and I am trying hard to forgive him for all the pain and heartache he caused me. I am not sure I ever will be able to forgive him completly even though I know he is ill. But I am trying cause I cant imagine my life without him right now.

all my love to everyone on this website!

I know it is hard.

/Anna 

Mine isn't a boyfriend but someone I dated for two months, and I do care about him.  At this point, he isn't talking to me but I suspect that he might have a girlfriend.  And that leads to another aspect of depression in men; sometimes while they aren't interacting with their girlfriends they are out shagging other women.  It's a real problem, and I'm sure it's not something any of you want to consider in addition to your love and concern for your guy.

That could be the hardest thing about dealing with someone with depression or other mental health issues; is their MH issue or their character?  And even if promiscuity and infidelity are manifestations of their illness that really doesn't help you.  They're not only trashing the relationship they're risking the physical health of both of you.

I have no answers to this.  But it's happened to me before where a boyfriend had undiagnosed mental health issues.  He never treated me well, but eventually he got some other girl pregnant.  After we had broken up more information of his promiscuity came forth, including sexual relations with men.  Let me tell you, it was not fun spending a year waiting for the first, second and third HIV tests to come out negative.

I hope things devlop into a better relationship between you and your man..

I don't know how much longer I can suck it up.I rather say good-bye in person and see him one last time if I decide to do it. It sucks cos I was engaged with the man before him and leaving him was nowhere nearly as hard as leaving my currently boyfriend. On top of that, my boyfriend is really ill and I worry about him.. I feel like I can't leave him when he needs me the most..

Wow. I just went through something very similar.  It sucks this happens so frequently.  I can totally identify with how you are feeling since I have felt the same way for the past several months.  I was with my boyfriend all through college and we had always talked about how we wanted to move in together after graduation.  For almost four years we never fought.  We were very happy and had a ton in common.  I knew he had been depressed in the past and that it had been bad for him but he had received therapy and hadn't had problems since. He still had problems with his family life, since that's where most of the problems stemmed to begin with (especially since he has a very successful older brother his family thinks he needs to aspire to be) but he was able to brush that stuff off and take comfort in me and our friends making him feel like he was great just the way he was.  All that changed first semester our senior year. He studied abroad and would call me every few nights close to tears saying how he hated where he was and that all he wanted to do was come back to school.  He said the people there treated him like crap and used him.  I told him to talk to me whenever he felt sad and to only hang out with the people who weren't mean to him while he was there and try to find the good in the situation and just enjoy the things that he could.  I had never experienced him like this.  He came to visit me at the end of the semester and was so happy to be back even if it was just for a weekend.  The second semester he was back on campus and at first everything was great and normal. 

Then things took a drastic turn.  He started to sleep a ton more than he used to, he lost a ton of weight, and began to get very irritable.  Nothing I said was right, and small things would set him off.  Really small things, almost laughable at the time.  He would sometimes get angry and yell at me or our friends which he never used to do.  Then he would do whatever he could not to hang out with our old friends.  Instead he would go get black out drunk with the people from his study abroad trip who made him feel bad.  When I pointed this out to him, he said that he had no idea what I was talking about.  That these were his best friends and that he had had the time of his life and that I was just being jealous.  He would still make some effort to hang out with me, although it became "hey, let's hang out with my new friends" all of the time which got on my nerves--how was I supposed to just accept the people who made him feel so bad? He said I was just negative and needed to accept them.  The black outs got worse, and one night his old best friend stayed up with him all night taking care of him which he never acknowledged.  He later ditched this same friend on his birthday after saying he would celebrate with him to go get trashed with his new friends.  Towards the end of the semester our old friends started making jokes about how "we won't see him tonight, he has NEW friends..." and all that stuff.  He had pushed them all away.  Yet he still wanted me.  We still talked about our future and how we wanted to stay together.  We had some difficulty deciding on where we both wanted to be, but at the time it seemed like we were both open to figuring it out together--that we would come to a conclusion.  Then one night we fought randomly and he said he was terrified of losing me.  I told him I was getting frustrated with him because he seemed like he was getting disinterested in me.  He said things were just rough right now, but we would get through it.  The next few weeks seemed fine, like he really made an attempt to see more of me and our old friends. 

Then graduation happened and a few days later he broke up with me saying that he thought we needed to go find ourselves seperate places, that he was unsure if we would be happy together forever.  This had never been spoken by him before.  He would always talk about the future like we were soul mates and that no one made him as happy as I did.  Then he said he would never forget me. The past tense nearly killed me. Needless to say all of our friends were shocked and had no clue what had happened.  A few of them called him and said that he needed to pump the breaks before he regretted his decision.  His parents told him the same thing and after I sat at my parent's home in a sobbing wreck for several says I emailed him and told him why I loved him and why it didn't have to be this way.  He said he had talked to a lot of people and realized that he did need to slow down.  He said he had a lot to sort through and that he still loved me too and it wasn't my fault.  He said we could be on a break. 

He changed his mind on this a few weeks later and said we were officially over.  I didn't know what to think.  I ran into him a few weeks later when we both went to visit a mutual friend.  We went for a walk and I broke down saying I felt like I would never see him again.  He melted and held me and said he loved me and that he just needed time, but that he had faith in our relationship.  He said he had said it was over before because he wanted to save me and give me an out.  I said I didn't want one and he agreed to talk to me about ending the break in a few months. 

He got an internship and moved to another state a month later and for several weeks begged me to come visit.  I agreed to go visit him and a few nights before I got there he texted me in the middle of the night to ask me to move in with him. That he missed me, he made a mistake, etc.  When I got to his new place we acted normally for several days.  Then things changed again and he completely took back everything he said.  He said I could not move in with him and that he had too much happening in his life to be with me right then.  But that he loved me and wanted to marry me one day.  He said his stress came from not having a paying job and that had he had one earlier, none of this would have happened.  He said we could still discuss our relationship on the date we agreed on earlier in the summer in hopes he would have things figured out. He said he knew he was depressed but that he wanted to only solve it on his own.

About a month after I had seen him he got a paying job that he was pretty happy about.  I called and congratulated him but he seemed like he didn't want to talk to me.  For a few weeks after he acted like I was just an annoyance and he wouldn't respond to my texts or calls (and I only left a few, I was not smothering him).  I found out he was doing this to all our old friends and had even said to someone that he felt everyone hated him because he broke up with me (even though it's because he pushed them away).  I even got a response about a potential job not too far from where he was and told him about it.  He seemed excited at first that we could be in the same place, but the excitement disappeared again days later.  Now we are in this weird place of him texting me only once every few weeks about nothing important and me having to pull teeth to get him to have a normal conversation with me. 

I recently heard through the grape vine that two weeks after I visited him, he started seeing another girl casually through his internship.  I was devastated.  I have no idea if it's still going on or if it is to the extent that I heard this relationship was, but it hurts.  And it left me completely confused--seeing as he says we are still on a break and the date we agreed on re-evaluating our relationship is still approaching.  I have not wanted to confront him on this issue for fear of being wrong about the nature of it, for him to feel accused of something, or to push him away further.  I have no idea where to go from here.  I still love him very much but if he just wants to lose me what can I do?

I have talked to a lot of people about this and the bottom line is this is not the person I was in love with.  He is MIA at the moment.  And it is unclear if he will ever be back.  Especially since he insists on dealing with his problems himself.  Nothing makes sense to me because nothing makes sense to him.  He has no idea where his own head is right now.  And from a depressed person's point of view it probably does feel easier to run away from the problems and mask them with new people who don't know what's going on.  This is only a short-term solution however.  I have learned from people who knew him in the past that this behavior is actually normal for him---when things get tough or there is a life transition with any doubts, he can't cope and he runs and attaches himself to the nearest interested person(s).  And this cycle will continue.  I'm sure it was the same with your boyfriend who wanted to act like things were normal so he went out to the pub to mask his true feelings.  I had the same feelings of anger at how can he be happy and be ok just moving on like this when I am now the one hurting? The truth is that he IS hurting.  He just doesn't want to pay mind to it because that's easier. 

I have also had a hard time dealing with the conflicting hatred and pure love and understanding feelings.  On the one hand, what he is doing is very selfish and cruel.  On the other hand, he can't comprehend that he is doing that right now, and the things he does come from an illness that should not define who he is.  It's very hard and I have been going back and forth with this for months.  I still have hope things turn around, as I do for you and your boyfriend---and I hope both of these guys get the help that they desperately need.  Even if it's not us in their future, they will need to get help eventually for things to ever get better for them.  My boyfriend also did the whole "we can still be best friends" thing--however actions speak louder than words, and if he isn't going to be there for you, then he isn't really making the attempt to be your friend.  Relationships are a two way street and there is only so much one person can do if the other continues to push you away.  THEY have to be the ones who want to get help.  We can't make them, and that is so hard.  Just know this isn't your fault.  That is what I have come to terms with. After talking to my friends and family about this, I know that I deserve better than being treated like this.  I sometimes wonder if it's even worth it to try and get back together because even if things did get better and they were better for a while, depression comes back.  What would happen if we got married and had kids and this happened again?? I just don't know if I could survive that.  I hope things work out for you either way things end up going.  I hope things work out for me too---if not, love will find us again eventually---you have to have faith in that. It is also sadly comforting to know that if things don't work out, it's because the person you loved doesn't exist anymore and you did all you could do.  And maybe one day somewhere down the road they will have that realization moment and get help, and maybe someday you will get that call from them wondering how you are.  That's all you can hope for. 

Sorry, I know this is super long, but I'm so glad I found this.  It helps knowing I'm not the only one going through this.

I need to edit my post and have no idea how, anyway I'm glad I stopped caring about someone who didn't feel the same way about me. I don't think depression was the reason your boyfriend was saying he wanted to end it. Love is love and as far as feeling guilty if someone would hurt themself, you did what you had in your power to help, I would have moved on... just like the saying goes if the person returns he/she is yours if not the individual never was.

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My boyfriend broke up with in back in July. I'm not sure why he ended our relationship but I believe it was because he didn't know how to communicate what was bothering him. He decided to run away rather then discuss his concerns.

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