My boyfriend ended our relationship last night, and I am wondering if depression was the cause of our breakup. He believes he is a burden to me and my affection for him fills him with a sense of guilt. He has recently voiced concerns that he may have depression, and he is isolating himself from not only me, but from his other friends as well.
I have asked him to seek help for how he is feeling. I really feel that him ending the relationship is not him talking but rather his depression. Would it be wrong to contact him in a few weeks, maybe by email, just to see if he’s feeling better?
I'm a man who's been through severe depression and constantly withdrew from the love of my wife. She and I managed to come through it, but it was the hardest thing either of us ever had to do. Cutting off from everyone, especially those closest to you, is the classic trap of depression. Sufferers thinks they will be better if they can be alone or if they just try to start a new life, but it doesn't work that way. It just deepens the problem.
Your boyfriend has to make the decision to get help, and, as someone else said in response to your post, this is about him, not you. People in this state often feel there is a monster inside them or something else really bad that will hurt anyone who's close to them, they they push others away. That's an insidious part of depression.
I think it's good to let him know you're still there, but it’s unhealthy for you to start torturing yourself about whether you're doing the right thing or not. Please do take care of yourself and your own needs.
Here are some links that might be useful to you as you go through this process.
Overview of Major Depression
Video: Depression Facts
Ways to Help Someone With Depression
Hey, just want to says thanks to John for his message - i'm new to all this forum stuff, but I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years now and have split up twice because of his depression, but have after a few months apart got back together. The last time we split was 2 years ago and I said then that I won't put up with this if it happens again. The past 2 years have been amazing as he underwent councilling and the relationship has been amazing. However about 2 weeks ago his grandad died and hes said hes relooked into his life and wants to be single as hes not ready to settle down with one person yet. Its come as a total shock and I've been at a real loss what to do. We were supposed to be going away on holiday next week but he has cancelled and thankfully a friend has stepped in. He tells me he is not 100% sure what he wants but that he thinks he needs to be single to sort his head.
As this is not the first time, I really don't know what to do - whether to fight for him as a month ago he was telling me that he wanted to spend his life with me, or to let him go. Any advice would be appreciate.
Cat, i am in the same situation. My bf just told me he wanted to be alone. This is the second time this has happened in a period of 8 months, however just until now I realized it is depression. It is very hard for me, I don't know how to react. I don't khow how much I need to tolerate this situation, or just walk away. I have left him alone since he told me that.
The first time it happened, he came back to me a week later telling me he loved me, he wanted to be with him, that he wanted a life with me. This, time I think it will happen again. All this time he has been telling me he loves me very much.
We haven't had a fight, I don't know what is wrong. He said he wanted to be himself, that later we will talk.
I am in the same situtation. My bf and I just celebrated a wonderful valentine's day and things were going great. His mother even said that he must really loves me because he never celebrated or bought anything for his exes. One friday, feb 24, 2012 he told me that his uncle was in the hospital. I texted him the next day asking if there was anything I could do. I didnt hear from him for a couple of days, so on wednesday, feb 29, i texted him asking if we could talk. he texted me back saying the he's falling into a hard core depression and needs his time to heal. I didnt text again until saturday, march 3, telling him that i love him and i will always support his decision. He texted me back saying that he couldn't be that man i want him or needed to be and that he can't be in a relationship right now and he just needs to focus on him. We met up and talked.He told me that he still loves me and that its not easy letting go the woman of his dreams and that he still wants to be friends. He doesn't know why he feels this way and that he just needs to sort things out on his own. I asked him to get professional help be he refused. He's very stubborn and things always has to be done his way.He also says that he doesnt like to make promises, he will promise that we will talk again one day. He told me that he's going to delete his facebook because he doesn't go on it. That night he ended up deleting me and my family off his facebook account. I am still fb friends with his mom and through her account i can see that he is very active on facebook... I am getting very mix feelings right now. What should I do...? How do I cope with this in a healthy way...i still very much love him but he doesn't want to be with me but yet he still loves me...when i dropped him off he kissed me..and when i told him i loved him he said that he loves me too...i feel like I'm going crazy over analyzing eveything =(
Hi John, yet another person dealing with a partner who has depression. He had proposed marriage to me and we were to move in together we had a beautiful loving respectful relationship. I started to see signs of anger that scared me and couldn't deal with it, so called the relationship off out of frustration but of cause didn't want it to end. The reason l mention this is because l feel he has issues of abandonment as his mother deserted him at aged 14 and they never saw each other for 10 years. His father was an alcoholic so left early. His major relationship ended with her leaving for a woman then his marriage ended. Along with all of this he had an acccident while he was married. A man ran out infront of his truck, he was drunk and my partner could not stop in time and killed the guy. This is when the depression was diagnosed as he could not go back to work driving on the same road anad his x wife said she wished it was him that died not the man he had killed.
My partner left his wife and two young children and moved to another state, which was when l met him. He holds a lot of anger towards his wife as she got the house signed over when he was in an unfit state, and continues to collect his tax return along with maintainence while he is left with nothing.
At first when we tried to sort out our relationship he said he was scared l would reject him again and needed time. Then he started drinking heavey and often called or text for me to help him. He said he wanted to get help for our love and told me he loved and wanted to be with me but has slowly regressed and is/was very angry at the world. I tried so hard to get him to seek help but he staited there was no one up here that could help him. I tried so hard to help him but to my own detrament. I became depressed. I am better now, still have my moments but am trying to keep busy.
He is a good person and has had a hard life. I love him dearly but have told him l am setting him free because he doesn't know how he feels so he says but he wont let me go but cant be with me. I text him as he wont answer my calls but have put a stop to that as l cant allow him to treat me this way. I dont want him to think l dont love him as l am sure he is scared of this but l feel it is up to him to get help. My question is does depression change your perseption on things as he is very irrational and will he realise how he really feel when he gets help?
I have told him not to contact me for a while as l am very hurt and need to heal but given time l will help him any way l can. I dont know how to deal with this as he hasnt many friends except his alcoholic brother. He is pushing ever one away with his anger. I don't want to push him away but can not help him either as he rejects me. If you have any suggestion l would be happy for your advise. Thanks Jo
I had my doubts about magic spells and I never think I would have dared to just hire any spell caster randomly. That's why I consulted email@example.com first. Long story short: prophetharry did his analysis and then told me what specific spell that would work BEST for me. For ME and my specific case. Well, he was correct and now, 4days after I had the spell cast, my EX broke up with his girlfriend and came running. He BEGGED to come back to me! That's exactly as I wanted it to be Grace.J Happy client
Dear DR sambol, When I contacted you I was 6 months into a bitter divorce battle. I thought that my marriage and family was ruined. I found your Email: firstname.lastname@example.org and breathed a sigh of relief. Not only did your Stop Divorce love spell work super fast but you and your circle was there to help me and counsel me through every step of the process. You have helped me so much and I am happy to update you on our progress. Jordan and I have reconciled and have since renewed our vows. We are stronger than ever. I am so happy that you were able to help me keep my family intact. Without you I am not sure what I would have done.
I dated a girl for about six months that I totally feel for. We got along great never fought but one night, i had much drink on me and then got a little jealous and then embrassesed her in front of her friends. because of that she broke up with me right there and then. for the first week i tried to do everything in my power to get her back and then i didn’t call her for a couple of weeks. we did email but she stated that i had embrassed her and that she would never put herself through this again and that was the only thing that broke us up. (during this time, i actually contacted a spell caster email@example.com to help me put things together with his love spell and it helped me alot After this spell was done i waited about 3 days and the next day she sent me a light hearted text in which i responded back to. we came back to together and for about a week now we are still together. Shibu
Me and my husband have been together since I was 14 and I felt like I couldn't live life without him. I never thought about cheating and then 2 years ago we stopped talking and we have 6 kids. I thought that we would get over it. I have (over the years) plenty of opportunities to cheat and I never have. Then one day i caught my husband with another woman in hotel, when i asked him he bulled me and threw me out his house, i never did anything wrong to him i only tried to make him changed and all i got was injuries from him, I loved him so much. I never intended to hurt my husband I never knew this will happen to me but now it has and I have to deal with it. so a friend of mine told me how she got her husband back and she told me who to contact if i really need my husband back, i contacted the spell caster to cast a spell on my husband so that he can change to a good man and so that he can take me back, fortunately for me all my request happened in 3 days, it is a big surprise to me that firstname.lastname@example.org can bring back lovers in 3 daysBlanca Warlord
I have some quesitons would like to ask you, my ex-bf has depression+ADHD for a long time after we together he talked about this with me but didn't tell me how I can help when he depressed. Basically I need to "Guess" he is under depression or just in a bad mood because he is a person who wears a poker face all the time. That makes ppl around think he is not easy to get along with (we used to work together but in different country, some colleagues tell what they felt about him). When he was under depression he cried and sad about the some things over and over no matter what I told him. He might get better after chatted with me but next time all the process will restart again which is fine by me(he told his mom that he may just end up living along in his whole life). He wants friends, but he turns friends down when he is not in a good shape. He can sit there reading all day rather than go out to a party with friends. It's been almost 4 month since he asked me to move out, he just can't live with me even he told me he loves me very much but seeing this relationshop won't work. He never contact with me since broken up, now we can only talk about other stuff because he is convinced himself there will be other things cause us to fight. He just can't take it anymore. He said we were not intimate becasue he was afraid to talk to me, making me angry (he didn't ask when he felt i wasn't happy) he said he tried to make this work he wanted this work but didn't. I know one of the side effect is reducing libido. I used my own way taking care of him and this relationship but got the result I won't ever asked for. All the friends and families telll me to move on because I can't change it and it will happen again just soon or later. I have his family's support we love each other and get along very well. I would love to hear what you think about this.
Hi John,You're post really gave me hope. I'm currently on the situation you were with your wife. I'm severely depressed and that's being very hard on the relationship... Can you explain me a little better how the road to recovery was for you? And how it helped your relationship? I'm beggining couples therapy with my boyfriend soon, but because it is something new I really don't know what to expect and in what to trust. You're help and answer would be the most valuable thing. I look forward for an answer.Thank you so much and best of wishes for your life.
I'm so sorry, Cat. No, this is not easy. I think the one big thing that is going to make or break this is whether or not he will get some real help. It sounds like he needs medication and a therapist to challenge his thinking. I think I would steer clear of him for a bit, wait to see if he calls you to tell you that he's gotten help. If that doesn't happen fairly soon - depression or not - you don't want to keep beating a dead horse and put your life on hold. You don't deserve to be treated like this and you have done everything you can to help him. He has to help himself. Don't blame yourself for this. Maybe he'll get sick of his crying and self-pity and figure out that if he doesn't do something for himself, nothing is going to happen. He has to swallow his pride and admit he is human and can't fix it alone. Sometimes we have to use "tough love" as they call it and I know it's very painful. You don't want to get sucked into the vortex with him - YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THAT.
Please keep writing here if it helps, plenty of people here have been through this or have been where your boyfriend is. Save yourself!
Thanks Judy. I hope he does get help. I think it's human nature to hope and wish that someone will get help and will want to come back into the relationship. I can't help but hope for that... maybe when I have had some time away from the sitaution I will feel differently. I'm more concerned about him than anything. There is not one single person in contact iwth him right now, which really concerns me. Considering he told me over Thanksgiving that he doens't care if he lives or dies and just wants to die... I can't stop worrying about him. At least when I was in contact with him, I knew he was "okay." I know logically that I cannot make him go get help and i can't prevent him from hurting himself if he doesn't want me to be in contact with him... but it's a horrble helpless feeling to know know if he's okay.
Thanks Judy. I hope he does get help. I think it's human nature to hope and wish that someone will get help and will want to come back into the relationship. I can't help but hope for that... maybe when I have had some time away from the sitaution I will feel differently. I'm more concerned about him than anything. There is not one single person in contact iwth him right now, which really concerns me. Considering he told me over Thanksgiving that he doens't care if he lives or dies ... I can't stop worrying about him. He told me afterwards that he wouldn't actually do anything to himself and that he would't have the courage to.. but that doesn't make me feel any better. At least when I was in contact with him, I knew he was "okay." I know logically that I cannot make him go get help and i can't prevent him from hurting himself if he doesn't want me to be in contact with him... but it's a horrble helpless feeling to not know know if he's okay.
It really does help to write here... after going through some of the posts, I can see that many other people have been in similar situations.
I am in a similar situation. I have been living with my fiancee for 18 months and when he's ok, he's REALLy ok and we have a great relationship. The problem is that he tried meds and has been to a psychiatric nurse, but stopped both of these as he says meds made him worse and the CPN told him he didn't need to go any more. I believed him, I think he was trying to put a brave face on it so I didn't worry about him. Thing is though, when you live with someone 24/7 and you are both unemployed, you get to know everything about the other person. I know he is far from ok. He has had phases of not doing anything for weeks. He can't seem to summon the energy to look for jobs, eat, shower, have sex....nothing. Just smoke and watch DVDs. He is a lovely guy and I LOVE him with all my heart, but I have just moved back with my mum because I couldn't handle him. His lack of interest in everything got me down. He is at his mother's now and I have asked him many many times to go get help, talk to his GP. It has been 10 days and he hasn't yet. I told his mum today, he has to want this for himself and if he doesn't then I will have to walk away and get on with my life here. I am so sad. If I don't insist, we will be going round in these circles forever. I cannot listen to broken promises anymore...........
I know I wrote you before, and I'm sorry it has come to that. My boyfriend did the exact same thing, so just know this isn't uncommon. Hopefully he will get the help he needs so he can get well. My boyfriend is stubborn, like me, so it takes him longer to see things clearly and it is an uphill battle. I haven't left his side once, even when he said he needed and wanted to be alone. I just gave him the space and trusted how much he loves me. I might send him funny emails here and there, to let him know I haven't forgotten him. We are both on Myspace so we check up on each other there.
But not everyone is the same, so you have to be very strong and independent if you choose to be there for him. I was sucked in it for a while, but really learned to take care of myself and truly realized I didn't 'need' mister right in my life, just wanted him there. So when the time comes (whenever that is) hopefully it will work out that way.
There are no guarantees, just hope and faith. Yours might run out sooner than later, and want to be with someone who will be there for you. Just know it is not you, he is not going to find someone better in the midst of this. It's a matter of what you can handle. But just know it's not pretty. I have insecure moments still, knowing he is working and living the best he can without me. I just want him to want me like he used to and not feel obligated or guilty. It's tough.
Thanks for your reply... I hope your boyfriend realizes how lucky he is to have your support. Knowing my boyfriend and the way he is, I feel that I have to respect his wishes. I have decreased my contact with him over the last 4 weeks to give him space... called less, but texted/emailed instead... and he said he knows I was giving him space but he still wanted to be alone. I feel that if i don't listen to him and I continue to stay in touch, he is going to push me away for good. I am hoping that maybe if I listen to his wishes he will come back to me. When your boyfriend told you he needed and wanted to be alone, what did you say in response? Did you continue to call him right away or did you wait for a period of time? I would say I'm more like you in that I would probably still support someone even when everyone else tells me it's not worth it or it's not good for me...I don't like to give up on someone I care about that easily. But in this case, I am torn becuase I really feel that he wants me to respect his wishes. I was thinking of emailing him in a few weeks to say that I'm still thinking of him and that he should not feel scared to call or email me anytime.. just to keep the door open. He is 37 years old and I'm fairly certain he's dealt with these feelings before and maybe this is the worst episode of depression he has gone though. How can you handle knowing that he's working/living his life without you? ... but yet he can't or won't be with you?
Your boyfriend sounds like a great guy, like mine, so it's nearly impossible to give up on someone great we fell in love with. Maybe I am just a romantic, but I think if a relationship can endure this, then it's stronger than any one else's who would say it's not worth it and walk away. That frame of mind keeps me strong. My boyfriend is 31 and has been through this many times before. He fought this so hard to make sure I didn't leave. But when he saw how he was hurting me, he felt so guilty and had to let me go. I wrote him several emails right away saying how much I loved him and can't let him go. It made him feel more guilty. The only thing he seemed to respond to was an email sent a few days later when my emotions cooled off, telling him to not feel guilt, that it is my choice to be there for him and that I can handle this. I do suffer from a minor form of depression myself, this triggered a major episode, but I can easily be alone to focus on my goals and to hope for a future with him. I know he sees me as someone special. He's always been very honest with me, so I trust him completely. That is how I can handle knowing that he is trying the best he can to live normal. Maybe after so long of going out and trying to live normal, he will feel normal, and then the first thing he would do is come to me when he is ready to have a girl in his life again. It's a long hard road, you need alot to keep you distracted. I am sure it will happen again, but by then I am sure we'd work on some kind of plan. I am learning as I go and it is getting easier with time. I sent him an email after giving him space for a month. He didn't read it since I know he thought it was mention of my birthday this week. It wasn't so I got frustrated, so I just sent him something funny for thanksgiving...which he read. With the holidays, I would just sent him something light hearted and funny. To let him know you are around and to make him smile. It won't hurt. I want to send my boyfriend a heartfelt email about how happy I am he came into my life, but I will put a tag or disclaimer on it, so if he is not ready to read it, he can do it later. You could do something like that too. I know it will work out for you, you sound so caring and I know he can see that. Hang in there as best you can.
Another thing I can tell you is to follow your instinct. If it is telling you to respect his space, then you most definitely should. My boyfriend contacted me after not seeing me for four months, out of the blue, when he wasn't well. He was out and just missed me I suppose. But it really wasn't him, there was a blankness in his eyes, he was irritable and only cared about finding a bar. He just wasn't 'there'. In a quiet moment though, I said his name to make sure he was really listening and then I told him I loved him. He held me so tight. It's a sad thing. But that night confused and hurt me. Probably made him feel worse. So when your boyfriend says he wants to be alone, there is a reason for it. And it is not you.
I think you are right, I am going to try and follow my instincts. I may send him an email in a few days.. a short one just to say that I am still here for him and I'm a phone call away, but I am not going to get into detail about how hurt i am or anything. He already knows how he has hurt me and he already feels guilty enough.. I just want to leave the "door open" for him to keep the lines of communication open. At least then I will know if he does't contact me again, it's because it's HIS decision and not that he doesn't think I will be open to it.
I honestly feel that he needs to get help before I'm involved with him again. And if he doesn't get help, then I don't think it will be healthy for me to be involved with him at any level. This is such a hard and desparate time for me.. I really feel like my mind is filled iwth so much "noise" of replaying everything in my head and trying to understand it all. I have a hard time with giving myself permission to just be sad. I jump immediately to thoughts like "he's going to move onto someone else as soon as he gets better." I am trying to focus on the moment I'm in but it's easier said than done. Thank you for your messages... it really does help to know I"m not alone.
I have felt the way you do, and still do from time to time. Like, how do you know he is not going to be with someone else while you are still there for him. I know I would be destroyed being played for a fool. But from what you described of your boyfriend, he sounds like he genuinely loves and cares about you. Who could be so cruel to just 'move on' when they know you are out there being as loving and supportive as possible? Emails every once in a while are good just to keep him in your life. I was at a point where I told him to not string me along, how much it hurt. He let me go a month later, and then I realized having to let him go hurt more than being strung along. So I learned how to be strong and deal with this, and it really is working for me. Insecurities turned into confidence. I know he appreciates this, since he put a picture up of me and him on his Myspace. I am just taking what he gives me right now, if he wants to see me, I will be happy and live in the moment, knowing I might not see him for months after. I know this way will not work for mostly anyone, so do what your gut tells you. If he gets help and you can have a functional relationship then that would be great.
I did email him yesterday, a short one to tell him that I still care and that I'm a phone call, email or text away if he needs me. Of course I did not hear back from him, which is hard... but at least I know i have done everything I can do. I am still really having a hard time accepting the abruptness of the situation and find myself asking over and over how he could do this to our relationship and cut off all communication. I am going to see a counsellor next week as I think it will help (I hope!). Somewhere on the web I was reading a post from a girl who's boyfriend had surgery and was addicted to oxycodone and started acting out of characted... not getting sleep, wanting to be alone, depressed, etc etc. It sounded strangely familiar to my own situaiton with my boyfriend. That's the problem right now.. I have so many questions and so many thought that maybe "this is happening" or "that is happening" when the only person that can answer my questions won't even talk to me! I am having a frustrating day... today I was harping on the fact that maybe YES he is depressed but maybe I'm using that as the reason for the break up and maybe he just doesn't want to be with me. It's hard not to think that becuase I still don't understand why he wants to reject me at a time when he needs me most. I know I can't solve his problems but why does the relationship have to end all together.
I am so glad you are seeking help in this time, it is a very good thing for you. I hope it helps you. All of those thoughts you are thinking are completely normal, since the way someone acts when they are depressed is a complete 180. Like one second they want to spend time with you then the next, they just completely lost interest in everything and cut off contact just like that. Like a demon took over. There is no way of knowing what he is thinking or going through. I often ask myself WHY?. I can understand to a point, but I don't entirely 'get it'. I know our boyfriends love us, so why can't they get close to us when we obviously so want to help and be with them. I don't know how long this will last, it has been a push/pull relationship for most of the year and our relationship. It could be years like this, but I do see us coming out of this a very strong and solid couple. I feel that way now, because I see walls being broken down little by little over time. My lighthearted emails go a long way I think. Today I was suprised by a forwarded email from him that meant so much, it was about friendship appreciation. It touched my heart so much that I am going to make a share post out of it. Don't expect much of anything at this time. He really does need the space. So anything you send, most likely will not get a reply. But it does not go unnoticed. I always wondered if I was bugging him, but anything that would make him smile is worth a shot. You are brave for putting yourself out there, listen to your gut and definitely take care of yourself. Over time, those feelings will change and it will be more clear in your head and heart wether to stay or not and what path to take.
I feel even worse.. I wrote him and got a response saying his follow up appointment with his surgeon went well but he's stuck at home for another couple of weeks. Then he says he truly hopes I am okay and that I'm keeping my head up and that he's sorry for hurting me.
It sounds so final, like he had already decided a while ago it was over and now he has absolutely NO emotion or feeling towards me. I feel very unsettled like I need more explanation... he sounds fine, like he's not even depressed...is that just a fake face he's putting on? I want to reply and tell him that I don't feel good and I wish we could just talk about things again so that maybe I will understand a bit better...
That would be the worst thing you could possibly do. There really is a battle going on within him and he is absolutely not making this up. Feel incredibly lucky he is communicating with you and apologizing. My boyfriend did this in the beginning as well, he tried to explain how he is just trying to live normal but it isn't working. He can't be there emotionally to take care of my needs when he can't take care of himself. So when you go and say how you are hurting, it will just REALLY push him away. It is something he can not handle. But regular communication, at more of a friend level, there is no harm in that, or pressure to be there. It is hard on us, to feel we have been downgraded to friends, but right now, that is what they need most. It is good you are going to see a counseler, and you can let off steam here. I will always be here. You have to be in touch with your needs, and when your emotions cool off after a while, it really will become clear. I remember everytime I saw my boyfriend, I thought he seemed well. Well, THAT is the fake face he's putting on. The energy it takes to appear well is a whole lot. I know the unanswered questions are unsettling, but if you let it eat at you it will tear you up like it is doing. I know better than anyone. It is going to take a lot of time and patience. You will have ups and downs, but you need to look at this as more of a friendship now. And I really hope he is getting help for this, it will make it so much easier for the both of you.
I'm so sorry for my late reply. I wanted to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY yesterday but it was a bad day and I didn't get back onto the computer. I'm sorry to hear that he didn't acknowledge your birthday. That is hard for sure. But honestly, from what you and eveyrone else tells me, if someone is depressed they are not thinking of anyone else. It sucks, and I don't think I can let myself stay attached to someone that doesn't eventually reciprocate. I hope you had a good day regardless...and tried to focus on teh people that were there for you on your day.
Yesterday was a bad day because my friend ran into my boyfriend's (well I guess I should say "ex" now) friend.. and this friend told her that he had seen my ex at a pub last week and that he found out we broke up. He said he didn't really get into it so he doens't know much about why we broke up. I guess it upset me to find out that he was out at a pub... here i am at home feeling horrible and having a hard time accepting everything... and all the while he's out having a beer and socializing. He was like this before we broke up.. he would often go out by himself for lunch or dinner, or drinks. I guess that's typical for guys who don't like to cook anyway... but that was one of the issues between us. He would tell me that he is not up for getting together, but yet he somehow finds the energy to go out (by himself).. it always made me feel bad, but then my friend made a good point. If you are depressed, it's much easier to be among strangers at a pub who don't know you and won't ask you about your problems. It's harder to be around someone who cares becusae you feel like you are hurting them when you are sad or angry.
When I heard he had been out.. I started to think that i must be a fool. Maybe he is not depressed and maybe he just didn't know how to tell me his feelings had changed. I haven't been in contact with him since my email to him last week and his response... I did not write back. Part of me feels that if he cares, I will hear from him eventually. Most of me doesn't believe he will and that i just need to get over this. Depends on the day....
Well I hoep you are doing well and being kind to yourself....
YUP, I have been where you are right now. I even wrote a sharepost since I was so offended when I found out my boyfriend is going out and drinking but can't even be with me. Your friend is right though, it is just easier to be alone or around aquaintences and strangers who he doesnt have to be there for emotionally or worry about hurting. My feelings gradually changed from hurt to understanding. If you didn't know your boyfriend suffered from depression it would just be plain hurtful. But know that he really is hurting inside, he feels worthless inside. So I think it is important to let him know in little ways that you do care and that you are there. I was fighting so hard to focus on everyone else who wished me a happy birthday (and thank you!!!) and I did feel the love, but his absence still rings strong. I want him to return to himself so badly, and I have no idea when or if he will. At this point in my life, I really don't need much reciprocation, I just have a knowingness in my heart. He does come through in little ways here and there and it keeps me going. But, like you, have my days of doubt, and wonder what I am doing. Whatever was meant to happen will happen I suppose. And choosing this path at least has opened me up to so much knowledge and great connections like you, so it's not all for nothing right? It snowed on my birthday and I have a cold, so it was a good excuse to just not do much but try not to work myself up in a fit. Now I am feeling better emotionally and ready to celebrate. He is just missing out on so much....and I wonder why it has to be this way
It is frustrating to know he's out there and continuing on with his life. After talking to the counsellor I do realize that I'm still in the phase of questioning....but I need to find closure for myself, without trying to get it from him. Ultimately I can't change that he does not want to be with me, and I am not prepared to continue with my life just hoping he will return...that is the hard part I think.... trying to let go. But I am trying to let myself go through the process and hopefully feel better in time.
I am so glad that you are taking care of yourself and talking to somone. And you know your limits and do what is right for you. In time, you will feel better whichever way the wind takes you. I had my 'life' on hold before I met my boyfriend to accomplish lots of goals. I am just continuing on and fine with just knowing we were meant to be in each others lives for a reason even if it is very minimal to nonexistant now. He 'rewarded' me in the past when he shut me out for weeks when he was deep in it by saying how special I am and this is what he does, now it's months, I suppose I am even more special...haha. His mom even asked if he was still seeing me before, and he said 'if she is still talking to me'. So I know deep down he doesn't want me to move on. I have so many projects, it can be a year of push/pull for all I care, lol. Everyone is different though
I felt the same as you did. I was also really afraid of being a fool. And I doubted him and myself and everything we had. After came to this site, I am feeling much better and managed to understand more and think in his shoes.
These two weeks, my guy seems better. He said he aprreciate all the things I did for him and appreciated that I was always by his side. I said maybe I should have let him go earlier so he would feel better. He said that if I did that I wouldn't deserve his love... And I stayed and fought for us. He said I didn't do anything wrong. It's just him.
Everyone is telling me to move on with another man and they keep saying things like "1000 fish in the sea", I just don't want another man. Like you said, I don't need mister right because he is the one for me.
So, Wrecked, let's have faith and hope for the better. We did and are doing our best. And the best will come later. I do believe that if we get through this, the relationship will be really strong and nothing can beat us anymore. =)
Cat and Wrecked, your discussion here was VERY VERY helpful...
I have just one thing to assure you, because, I am one of these people who is in the same situation as your partner... I am one of these "not ready for a relationship" people, and I am one who feels HUGE HUGE guilt for their partner who are always by my side...
It is not about you !
People... WORLD... depression is killing me... I am trapped in a black hole, it is not about my partner, the depression and the disability involved in it and other mental or personality disorders I have just makes me want to suicide for not hurting such kind people as my partners... and not live in this world anymore for not hurting even other close people, I am hurting my partner, my friends, my family...
Let me say here, that I am not instigating for suicide, suicide is a very immature action and doesn't resolve the problem, further more, we don't own our souls nor have the right to just kill them, only god have the right because God is the creator of it and who made our souls for purpose...
Let me be back again, I felt it is a responsibility for decalring this part regarding sucide.
If I took the medication route, an SRRI medication may cause my feelings to become even more numb, as one of the researches found (you can google for SRRI relationships), depression already makes me feel numb, other mental disorders makes me can't feel any thing, it may be selfish, but this is a human soul in pain, and even in more pain for seeming selfish...even in more pain for feeling guilt... even in more pain for relationship to be unbalanced, even in more pain for being afraid that it is just dependency or attachment, even in more pain for not building a healthy balanced relationship foundation at the appropriate time because my soul was all busy in fighting and screaming for getting help !!!
Oh God... it IS pain... But I trust it is for purpose...
Thank you so incredibly much for this. I have been in a state of confusion when my boyfriend told me to move on, he also said that I have not known him that long, no reason to wait for him and my feelings were too quick and strong (after a year of standing by him?) I thought my support might have been much for him, I thought he might want to be with someone else after not seeing or wanting to see me for 5 months, I was going over everything over and over. It's so difficult to tell if it's depression or 'he's just not that into you'. My heart and gut is still with him, and I know to give time for emotions to cool off before trying to make any contact. I know this is such a hell, and just by me being in his life is pressure and guilt.
I can not let go of such a beautiful soul who is in such pain. I am sorry you have to go through this hell. You are so deserving of love even if you have none to give. There is a light and you are right suicide is not the answer, no matter how bad it gets. Just know your words really made me realize just how serious this is, and confirmed what my heart has been telling me all along.
Im so glad i stumbled on this site, I am going through the same thing with my now ex bf, he left me after two years to move 700 miles away to be with his daughter, resulting in both of us having depression, we hung onto hope and were in despair over the distance for the past four months, I continually cried to him about the pain of him leaving and after three months he walked out on a job, stopped texting, calling me and when i confronted him about the new changes he told me he had broke inside i struggled for a month to hold on to him trying to get him to realize what he was doing by shutting himself off from me, i sent gifts, pics, told him how much i loved him etc in the end he broke up with me telling me he couldnt hurt me anymore and to close the door and move on, i was devastated i couldnt understand how he could just close the door on our two year relationship after i gave him solutions to the distance etc, not till i came upon this site did i truly realize this has nothing to do with me and i have been handling the whole thing wrong, ive further pushed him away as my questions and statements hurt me with his cold responses. I now have left the ball in his court to contact me if he wants to talk that im concerned about him. I fear he will get no help and continue to be suicidal since he had talked of it previously and im so far away im feeling helpess, he said his family knows and told him to get help but noone is taking a active role in making sure he does, when a person is depressed isn't it hard for them to get help since they are in such a negative state of mind? I'm so unclear if i should completly walk away or keep the door open being he's depressed and now i realize it isnt about him just not wanting to be with me. This has had a major affect on me as well i have fibromyalgia and its caused a severe outbreak from the stress of it all.
I am in the exact same situtation - I don't know how to handle this.
I have lost the love of my life the man i wanted to marry due to depression and stress. For the first time i had wanted to marry this man and hae his children.
He was going to Afghanistan for work (ARMY) and was taken off the trip. This devastated him and he changed completely - Was constantly mad at the world, lost his affection towards me and hardly spoke, signs of depression. He just wasted himself anymore. He even mentioned once that he felt depressed so i started to prepare myself for this.
I had moved to be with him to a completely different city and had no one but him. We were so perfect together and everything was great until the loss of the trip. Naturally i started getting upset and started questioning how much he actually loved me due to his moods, and started to question him and get worried when he was ignoring my text messages when having lunch with female friends at work. (ofcourse you would be insecure) I feel these insecuritites started coming on as I wasnt getting all the love and affection and companionship that we had before this. It was so perfect, i can honestly say i was the happiest i had even been!
I did nothing but support him and try and help him through this by being positive and being there for him as a best i could, but that all got thrown back into my face as he felt he was not good enough and down all the time. I moved to this man when he was on the verge of going bank rupt, he was married but seperated and the divorce hadn't gone through AND he had a 2 year old son. I loved this man for what he was what he had and what he was going to be. I took his son as my own and fell in love with him too.
The night it happened I got upset about something and cried and he just said he was "done" and broke my heart whilst i was in hiterics standing in front of him. And said nothing i said was going to chang ehis mind. He was so mad and had no remorce. No matter what i said he said hes not changing his mind and it was a build up of my insecurities, questions and trust issues??? I know he wasnt thinking straight at the time due to his anger and depression but he was so cold hearted there was nothing i could do. The next morning he told me to leave the keys on the bench as I begged him not to make this the end and say good bye for good. He hugged me and kissed me on the cheek and left me...that was it, everything we had the new home we started and everytyhing we had planned ALL the love and things he promised me GONE.... All i wanted was to help him and make him see that i was hurting and needed some support also...
I called him two days later and asked for a second chance as my heart only belongs to him and I want to be there for him and all he said was "nope"... I have text him ocasionally telling him im thinking of him and missing him and love him...but have not had one reply....
I dont know what to do and am petrified that he will NEVER call me for a second chance. I pray and hope everyday that he will sort through his issues and realise what a gorgeous girl he has here that would do antyhing for him. I cant eat i am on valium to calm me every morning as when i wake up reality hits. I suffer from anxiety and depression myself... So putting on a happy face and suporting him was a very hard task for me. I have faith in his love for me and refuse to beleive that he doesnt love me deep down and its becuase of how he is feeling. I dont know if time will fix things I dont know what to think, im scared to call him as he will possibly tell me there is no chance as he did when this first happened... I wonder if he is even thinking of me as he told me so many time "GOD IM IN LOVE WITH YOU" :-( Im shattered.... And can see nothing but him in my future....
I have a bday present that i bought him in advance for his birthday this month that i am sending with a letter, i dont know if this is the right thing to do but I atleast need to try.....I dont knwo what else to do... If he doesnt want me what else can i do...
I am going through the exact same thing also. We had such a strong relationship and then I started nursing school and I have to admit the stress of it all made me selfish and we started fighting for about 3 weeks non-stop. I know its my fault for putting so much stress on him and taking things out on him. I just thought that things would get better eventually, after this semester. I kept telling myself after this semester. I feel like I broke him. He is an ex-marine and I think that has something to do with his break-down. He told me he can't be around anyone right now and that he gets so angry and he has no emotion. He never showed me any of these signs or let me in on how I was making him feel by the fighting. I was too wrapped up in myself, I guess. I know that I didn't do anything that he couldn't forgive me for. If he wasn't going through something, under normal circumstances, we could have worked on it. He just didn't want to, he said it is too hard and he doesn't want to deal with it. Well as you can imagine I am destroyed because we have almost been together for 3 years now. He is my best friend, my family, my everything. I guess I just don't understand why he can't have me in his life anymore to help him. Why we couldn't work on it. I guess he really doesn't want to be with me and that hurts the most.
It seems as though a lot of people are going through the same thng. Loving thoughs with depression is very hard. I am in a similar position (maybe?) I have a ver stressful job as I manage two women's hostels. Most days I take on a lot of people's emotions and I often want to come home to a perfect house with easy conversation and smiles. I guess everyone does. This sometimes happens but not recently. My boyfriend has always gone through periods of not been very happy. He isolates himself and doesn't want to make converstion. He gets obsessed wth things so he can draw into himself. He has watched almost every NMA game since the start of the season and didn't come to bed at all last night. He always comes through it though. But I find it relly hard every time he does this as I am not sure how long it is going to last. It make my life a bit miserable too. I think mybe sometimes it's not worth getting so close to one person so as that it will hurt so much when they are in obvious pain. I never wrote or talked about this so thought it might help. In a way its nice to know people get through this suff but also makes me so sad. I work with people who have serious depression all day every day adn I feel like I given all i can give when I get home at night. I know I'm good at my job but seem to be at a loss when it somes to my own family!!!
I'm so happy I found this forum. My Depressed boyfriend of over 6 months now, has finally made the decision that he needs to be alone and figure out his life, get help, etc. When he first fell into the depression I had no idea what was going on. He could not communicate what he was feeling or thinking. I did not react well at all becuase of that. A big regret now. Now that I know it's depression, I feel it's too late still. I wish I had found this forum sooner. I do have a Son who lives with us, he's 4, and his behavior toward him and Us has been very short tempered, due to the inability to even think about "whats for dinner." I'm kind of rambling right now, sorry.
Anyway, we've done the breakup talk and then immediately gotten back together thing for a while now. I told him I can't make a decision because I love him, I want to stay and weather this storm with him. I think it makes him feel worse. I've offered to pay for counseling, we were told in our Couples Therapy that the depression was brought on by undiagnosed PTSD from his traumatic childhood (which he told me he had worked through, and was over the issues of his childhood while we were dating. Did not know about the PTSD until a few months ago.) But he says he doesn't want me to pay and other excuses, he just must not be ready yet. He doesn't tell his friends or family about the depression, and I'm scared sick he will just move on to someone else, go out to bars, and bandaid the pain for a while. I get consumed with these thoughts, I don't want to move out and leave him.
Thank You for all your honest words! It really helps me keep a level head knowing this is pretty common place with this disease.
Hi...I'm very new here..just found this website and it's so helpful seeing that people are going through the same thing I am. What you said, Wrecked, really hits home with me and I was wondering how your situation is after 3 years? Please let me know...I'm trying to figure out what to do and how to support my boyfriend.
Hey cat, I am desperate to contact anybody that has been in the situation I am in now. I've talked to my best friend and while she has the best intentions, they are for me and not him. She wants me to move on and find someone who will treat me better than my depressed bf right now, but I can't possibly do that and just forget the amazing man I fell in love with because I know this isn't him right now, just the depression talking. I just wanted to know how things worked out for you and if you have ANY suggestions for me, it would be very appreciated. Thank you!
When the man I love broke up with me, my world fell apart. I had gone to several casters and I got no results or insufficient ones. I found email@example.com and gave another try to retrieve my lover and restore the passionate relationship I had with him. I’m so glad I did and trusted her. She performed a spiritual cleansing to banish negative energies and cast a love spell. After 3days, the man I missed dearly started to call me and told me few days ago that he still loves me and wants to try again. Thank you
Dear All Girls on this webiste,
I am deeply thankfull that I have found you.
That means I am not alone in the world with my situation.
I sit here with a wedding gown, ring, everything. I was suppose to get married 15th of May 2010. In 4 months.
Me and me no ex fiance, met 3 years ago after i Moved from Sweden to Singapore to work for 2 years. He is From London and I am from Sweden. We clicked and things moved very fast. We moved in together after 6 months. He did mention once he had a history of depression in London and got help for it back then. I never even thought about it again.
After 1,5 years he propsed to me and we agreed on wedding date.
After that he lost his job and Money was quite tight. I did start to have a few panic attacks and a lot anxiety at the time.. I helped him through and he did find new job and he seem to feel better. After 6 months he started his own company and life was filled with expectations. We were finalizing all wedding preparations at the end of 2009, but he started drinking quite a lot just before x-mas. He told me his company was not doing well and he was going to run out of money soon if he didn;t manage to secure any business.
His panic attacks came more oftan and he went to doctor to get medicin for when the attacks come. He also explained feeling low, and they gave him anti-deppressants which he never took.
He stayed out all night drinking but he just got angry when I asked why. he said he wanted to drink away his problems. I couldn't understand, we were suppose to get married soon... I suggested to taek the money for the wedding to get us trhough the tough times and cancel wedding. He didn't want that. He said it will be fine.
Just a week before x-mas his freinds called me saying he was in the emergency room. I rushed there to find him in a panic attack thin king he was going to die. I thought this must be a wake up call.. but 3 days later he was in the bar drinking again.
X-mas eve, we were suppose to go to a party but he got drunk during the day texting me he wouldn't come home. xmas day He came home, wouldn't talk , just lying in the sofa feeling sorry for himself. I left him to stay at a freinds house. And when i left he had outburst, locking him self in bathroom yelling "how can you leave me on x-mas" I said i could stay if he wanted to. But he didn't want to. Just shouted "leave me alone" . He texted me that evening sayin ghe wanted to repair things the next day. I came home, he went out not wanting to talk anymore.
That afternoon he came home saying he didn't know what was wrong but he needed to go away for a while to make sure that he could be the person I wanted him to be and get married. He left... and I got mixed text messages..all week.. "i love you, things will be ok" etc etc... but when he came home he didn't want anything else then to be alone. I had to cancel the wedding.
So i stayed with a friend...went home after few days to get clothes, then he told me that I should have hope for future but for now he was moving out.
Since I can't afford the apartment on my own I moved to a friend. All this just one week after new years eve. happened very fast. He said he take care of my cats as I can't take them to my friend. Also helping me storing stuff.
After one week he invited me over to see cats.. I asked if i should still have hope for future... He couldn't say.. all he says is I don't know and gets angry for pushing. So I left. Went away for a few days with friends. then he got obsessed not hearing from me.. I didn't pick up the phone when he called. I was too hurt.. He wrote me below email:
Hi ,I dont know where you are right now, it sounds like you've gone away? firstly i'm so sorry for the last few months as i have been totally horrible & closed to you.I never meant to be like this and my heart is full of pain and guilt for doing this to you..I feel like i have to let you go because i don't want to hurt you anymore.. some bad stuff is going to happen to meand i dont want to put you thru more pain, you dont deserve it, i always told you were a princess and deserved the best.
I love you and the cats, always have and i always will this will never change and you were the only girl that i wanted to be with.. I don't think i can give you the life, love and care that you both deserve & need at the moment, i can't even give it to myself .. I know it's depression and anxiety that's done everything to me and i'm emotionally retarded right now and in a mess.. i know how this has impacted on you in the past and i dont want to keep doing this to you.. i've loved our life together and the love & care that you have given me and i will always treasure these moments.. .at the moment i'm trying to get through day to day.. i sometimes feel suicidal then some days i feel extremely happy but it never lasts.. i'm using Alcohol, cigarettes to get me through and give me some gratification, but again its a short term pleasure...i feel shallow, a failure, ageing rapidly, insecure and an emotional mess... i guess i figured if i let you go you owuldn't have to endure this into a marriage and would be able to rebuild. When i proposed my intention was that we would live happily ever after... my life, work, love, happiness and self motivation has slipped hugely to the point i dont really want to get up in the mornings or go to bed at night..i find it hard to care at the moment or show genuine love & affection... ti sum up i feel like a shell of a person who has lost all the happiness, care, motivation and love that he once had, the person that you met..i sit now now in my empty apartment wondering what the hell i've done and where my life went so wrong..
I am going to try to bring myself to get help because if i dont i wont be around in a year or 2..
Know i love you, always have, i've made huge mistakes in my life and i dont know why , i just wanted to feel happy, successful and to make people like me..
In another place and another time i hope i will rediscover you, my soulmate, best friend and the love of my life.. i'm so sorry for everything i've put u through and i hope sometimes you will remeember happy times and things and not just bitterness and sadness towards me...i never meant to do the things i've done to hurt you, neever wanted to harm anyone in my life, i just lost my way and im so so sorry for the problems this has caused...all i ever wanted was your happiness..
All my love, always..
I got upset.. didn't reply.. He kept calling me for days.. I don't want to be hurt anymore. I don't know what to do. I wrote him email that I want to break all contact.
He invited me over 2 days ago to talk.. I went there.. but he is just a blank face with no emotions. I offered help, he didn't want it.he just says he has nothing to offer me right now and don't want to keep on hurting me. I said I had to cut all communication and move on then. He didn't want to and got upset. But I can't take it anymore, waiting for him to call.
Will he stop contacting me now? I have not heard for 2 days. I don't know either way I am so hurt and sad.. If he does call I get sad, if he doesn't I get sad..
From your stories I have red on this site it looks like the don't call.. so maybe that is what to expect.
I am like you , afraid he will move on with someone else. I am hurt he can still be out drinking with his freinds but not keep up a normal conversation with me..
I know this is terribly hard. Thank you for sharing the letter from him. It helps me to understand how my boyfriend is feeling even though he won't say much on his own. It's been 5 months today since I broke up with him because he was non-communicative and I felt like he was pushing me away. I have lived the same hell as all of you for these past five months. We were together for three and a half years prior to this change in him. He was the most energetic and upbeat person during that whole time. I was blindsided by the change in him. After five months I still cry almost every day. This weekend he is supposed to come and move out the last of his things. I'm afraid this will be the true end. I'm so fearful that I won't hear from him again.
I know how upsetting this is, and impossible to understand. I don't know what to say about your situation, as I don't know the backround. But for me, over the past 2 weeks a lot have happened.
Even though I broke all contact with my ex, he still couldn't resist texting me. It was always different kinds of text messages. Sometimes he was just broken , sad and in bits. And sometimes he was just blaming me for eveything that has happened.
I know he started therapy last week as he called me and told me about it after his first session. I was pleased to hear but didn't change that fact that we were still not together anymore.
I kept my distance. Two days ago he started harrassing me with text messages that he was sure I met someone else and that I never loved him etc etc. This was in the middle of the night and called him back to ask what in the world he was doing.. He broke up with me!!!!
Then he broke down over the phone.. just in bits crying.. I asked him if he wanted me to come over. As he said yes, I went to his place and we spent the night talking. Talking for the first time in 2 months since he left me. He finally told me what was wrong, and that something really bad had happened to him when he was a child. (won't go into details here) And that all he does now is to run away from everything that scares him. He has been doing so all his life. Just starting over , a new life when things got tough. I Listened to him and he was deeply sorry he has pushed me away and never told me this. He promised me he would keep communication open from now on and that he will continue therapy. I know this can backfire any second. But at least he wants to try to get better and eventually we can be a couple again. This is a better progress that I could ever have hoped for but i am scared to death he will go back to the other state of mind that doesn't want to be with me. The day after he did book therapy on this coming Friday and he wants me to come with him to listen to what he is going through. I have told him I will come with him.
I truly hope therapy will make him whole again. he is in such a mess and needs to sort out and finally face what happened to him as a child. I love him deepy and have hope again! But afraid my heart will be crushed again.
Thanks everyone for sharing.
It really helps.
Anna, that sounds encouraging.
Your story truly touched me Anna. Everything aside from being engaged is literally exactly the same. Yesterday was the day i told him that being in communication is emotionally draining and I can't do it because it's killing me. It was very emotional. In addition, I stated that if he calls me to talk, to only call me if he is going to have a discussion. I know as much as he does a fantastic job of acting like he hates me and wants nothign to do with me when we are apart, that he also can't do without me. "Breaking up" was confusing for him and myself. I believe and hope that it kicked in to your fiance and my bf when you/i were the ones to say "i can't be in communication with you anymore, its too hurtful."
I hope that he too will take the steps to see his doctor after this weekend (he moves in to a much better environment.) I wish you all the best, please keep us posted. I understand the pain too well and its not something I would wish on my worst enemy. Its hard to talk to anyone close to you about it. I know I haven't.
I tried to read some things about psycology these days. And just want to tell new guys that if he says he wants time and space, let him go. The more words we utter, regardless of our intention, the more defensive and distant they become.
If he haven't brought the "break up" yet, try to limit the contact and like wrecked said, keep it light and don't give him more "trouble". With time, he will be better and realize your value and appreciate what you do for him.
If you guys already broke up, like us, in the first 3 or 4 weeks, don't initiate contact him. If you want him back, give yourself some time and also give him some time. You need some time to recover from the panic, calm down and move on with your life. No one wants a =( person, right? You getting better can give him a impression that you are not a needy and insecure woman. This may help you guys getting back together later.
After the 3 weeks, you can start to contact him again but keep it easy. Don't bring up relationship things because normally they will bring it up and you will be in a better position then.
And try your best to not doubt about what he feels. Show that you trust him can help a lot.
The limit contact does work for me. I found that if I don't contact him, he will.
I made a lot mistakes during these days. These words come from my bloody experience. I hope that if you are new in this, don't repeat my mistakes and do better.
I agree with you. It's not all about his depression. It happens to the normal person too. The more clingy you are the further we push the other person away.
And just wants to let you guys know that there is no cure for depression and you are going to suffer this on and off for the rest of your life if you determine to be with this depressed guy. Dont expect that if we could go through this our relationship will be stronger. You need life time to go through this over and over again. Definately watch out for yourself. Dont get yourself depressed because of this.
Hi, I am new here and I thank you for your advice. I didn't understand depression and so when he pulled away from me, I thought he didn't love me anymore and I reacted badly in a crisis situation. I then broke up with him. When I realized what I had done, I tried to explain it, repair it, let him know I would stand by him and that I did love him and I was sorry. During four days after I broke it off, he would not take my calls so correspondence was by e-mail. He then broke up with me saying "he thought he was done", we "needed time before attempting to talk" and "his heart just wasn't into us right now".
I read his message loud and clear and have not contacted him. I am embarassed and ashamed by hurting him and not recognizing the signs of depression earlier - I thought he wasn't into me. I can't contact him and the waiting is killing me. In a previous note he did say he would go to a doctor and I have no idea if this has happened or not. We've only seen each other for 3 months and the first 2 months were fantastic. I have hope I will hear from him but the longer it goes between contact I feel the connection disintegrating. I know he carries on with his work and his life and I am not in it. I am in pain and want to contact him, but won't out of respect for his wishes and to give him his space. I only wish I hadn't pushed him away...I am so sad
I am in the same position. I told him it was all great and then it changed, I told him I felt if he loved me why did he not show it more, I told him it felt better to be over than constantly bringing up issues like this. I then apologized he said he did not want me to leave him. he then the smsd next day to say he needed a break to work out why he treats me the way he does that he is in a bad space and I have not heard from him for 5 days. he wont take my calls, or any of his friends, he wont reply to any sms's.....heart broken....
I'm glad I'm not alone... this is tearing me apart...Right now my bf's depression is moderate and I know it will get worse. The symptoms are getting obvious now and we are still in mild communication although its clear he is distancing himself. When we speak to one another, be it emails, phone or text, he simply answers the question and says nothing else. He's very monotone, straightforward... cold... he's not "there." I sent him an email while he was at work the other day and said that I notice he's been down lately and if there is anything I can do to make him feel better. He responded, "nothing you can do." So i relied back, "well what will you do to make yourself happier?" He said "how about you stop nagging at me?" That's when I noticed that he just had a complete 180. The other day I had just been at his place taking care of him while he was sick resting his head on my lap as we watched a movie. I didn't understand what just happened....
After that email I was bitter so I didn't respond and I went to work and didn't text, call him or anything. Around 1030pm he called me and said "why are you ignoring me??? You're ignoring me aren't you?" .... He pushes me away and then needs me to be there so he can put me down again... After reading many forum threads I learned that a depressed person will push everything they love out of their life.... I also learned that leaving him will be incredibly destructive. Not only would I be miserable but it will send him in to a downward spiral.
Last year on Christmas (I had met him shortly after) he was high on ketamine. This is what I fear. He stopped shortly after we started dating. He has destructive thoughts and had mentioned to me 6 months ago that he felt guilty I was with him. He had a councellor he went to after much conversations and there was a noticeable improvement in every way possible. For the last 3 weeks he decided to stop going. I have told him many times to go but he disregards it. My main question is, while he hasn't broke up with me yet, and is starting to selectively respond to my communication to him in short responses, what advice can you give that I can do NOW to support him before it gets even worse?
Hi..as I was saying in another post.. I've been haivng a hard time logging onto the website so I'm sorry for the delay in responding to your post. Your situaiton is a difficult one, like many of the people that have posted here. Like in many of the other situations, it seems like your boyfriend wants to be left alone to deal with his depression. But that doens't mean you can't still support him. Keep doing what you are doing...sending him messages and telling him you are there for him... but give him the space he needs. The good thing is, he has sought help before so it was obviously helping him. Why did he stop going??? I understand the way you feel as my situaiton was similar...the decreased contact from him, the 180 degree difference in his personality, and just a general feeling that he's not "there" like he used to be. I did everything I could, supported him and gave him some space when he asked... and he still cut me off from his life. I can't even keep in touch as he has told me he has no feelings left for me. Whether it's the depression or not, I will never know. It's devestating. He is like a completely different person.. I noticed that the last time we spoke. I hope your boyfriend continues to go to his counselling and I think you are doing everything you can do. Try to keep the lines of communication open and let him know you are there for him if he needs you.
So I got another message from my ex on New Year's Eve...I guess some communication is better than nothing at all. He just told me that I have nothing to apologize for and I'm one of the most caring and understanding people he knows. He said he knows I want to fix things and for everythign to work out in the end but he said that right now, he just doesnt know what he wants. He said he doesnt want to get back in the relationship and end up breaking up again. He said a part of him is happy not being in a relationship at all, which I understand given his tendency to just want to be alone when he's like this. I just don't think I can sit and wait around anymore, I feel like he is just leaving me hanging...it hurts after everything we went through and everything I thought we meant to each other. I still can't decide if he truly just doesnt want me around anymore or if it's because he's depressed. I'm just going to not contact him for awhile, try and get over him, and then take it from there. He knows I'm here for him if he wants to talk. Happy New Year indeed.
How are things going, lost? I think you're right in backing off for a while. It's really hard to deal with these guys after a while - all the mixed messages, etc. It's good you're taking a break. It really is up to him to get the help he needs. I've come to the conclusion that without that it's practically impossible for these guys to be in a relationship.
I'm back in touch with my ex (boyfriend?). We're talking, but I don't think it'll be long before there'll be another 'break-up'. Too be honest, I'm getting tired of hanging around waithing too. I think it may be time for me to focus on other things, and see if he actually gets some help for his depression.
Good luck to you.
Yeah I need some space from my ex right now too. This has been, more than anything, just emotionally exhausting. I've been trying to focus on my hobbies, spending time with friends and stuff like that. The last time I sent my ex a message I finally just came out and asked him if he was depressed. He replied and says he is not depressed...so yeah. I don't know anymore, he doesnt really want to talk to me or anyone else so I'm just gonna give him some space for a few weeks and then maybe see if he wants to talk. I hope things work out for you too!
How are things going? I'm seeing my boyfriend again. He's feeling better, but I know he'll push me away again the next time he feels depressed. He says he's trying to get help so he'll never disappoint me again. I guess we'll see, but I'm not holding my breath. I'm so drawn to him because, when he's not depressed, he's so great and we're so good together. I am seeing him less and I'm trying not to jump right back in. Still, I know... I'm probably the biggest idiot around.
By the way, your boyfriend is depressed whether he wants to admit or not. He just can't get the perspective to accurately assess his feelings since he's so caught up in the distorted thinking... he's better off alone, he doesn't care about anything etc. I know it's hard, but I think you're right to focus on other things and people. The good/bad news is that he probably will start to feel better and contact you. That's what I'm going through now - I want to see him, but I can't deny his issues and the fact that I likely will go through all this misery again. From what I've read here, people who are depressed need to feel that their loved ones won't give up on them. I guess it comes down to how much we can take. Also, they have to acknowledge their issues and get real help at some point, right? That's still my bottom line...
Anyway, I hope you're doing ok.
I'm doing alright right now at least. I've cut off contact with my ex for the time being. Right now I'm focusing on getting over him and moving on, there isnt anything else to do, he wont admit he's depressed and he wants to be alone so I cant just wait around forever. I've been forcing myself to socialize more and meet other guys to remind myself that there are other guys in the world. Having fun helps, my ex's depression really brought me down over the past six or so months and that really messed me up. Now I'm just focusing on getting myown personality back and finding happiness again with someone who wants that and is able to handle that right now. I sent me ex a farewell email letting him know that if he ever wants to contact me that he can and that a part of me will always love him and that "we" will always be at least a possibility for me in the future. Thanks for your support Hope! Hope all goes well with you and your man too!
Lost (to be found)
I was very touched by all of your stories on this page. I am going through something very similar in my own life. I'm a guy and my boyfriend has been extremely depressed for a while and broke up with me at the beginning of December. We've been together for over a year and things were going very well. I know he has a history of depression, though he has never admitted that to himself or anyone and he's never sought treatment. I know the signs though but never wanted to say anything and risk pushing him away.
He is a very strong and independent man but he also internalizes everything. When he gets stressed or overwhelmed he pushes people away and cuts himself off from everybody in his life. He had a rough year, he went through alot. His grandmother passed away and he nearly lost his father. He also had to put his cat down which I know really upset him as he blamed himself for it. He has also been stressed from work. He is basically completely burned out, physically, mentally, and emotionally.
He's been withdrawn for awhile now, since September. He just hasnt been himself...he used to text me all the time, just nice messages, saying hi or that he loves me. That stopped, we started seeing each other less, he became irritable and was always tired. When we would hang out he was just...off. There was no intamacy or affection, he was very cold. He was so quiet too which would make me nervous and so there would be alot of awkward silence between us-I was worried he didnt like me anymore. Eventually I'd go for weeks without hearing anything and he'd just say he's been feeling wird. I went three weeks without hearing anything from him or getting any replies to my calls or texts. I was really worried about him and us.
Two weeks before he broke up with me he told me he had been considering ending our relationship because he doesnt know whats wrong with him and he doesnt want to put me through that or drag me down with him. I tried telling him that not being with him would be worse and that we could get through this together. He said we were going to be okay...then two weeks later he broke up with me abruptly. He had been avoiding me and when he came over he said that he cant love anyone right now. I freaked out because he said he wasnt in love with me anymore. I sent him an email that night expressing how upset I was, I was devastated.
A couple of days later he sent me a really long email explaining himself to me...he said he had been going through alot because of what had happened this past year. He said he hadnt been taking care of himself and that it had caught up with him. He hasnt been sleeping and said he's just felt brain dead. He said he is avoiding everyone and that he is empty and exhausted and confused. He admitted that the break up was an impulsive decision and that he still loves me and has thought about me and us everyday. He also said he wasnt sure if he was in love with me anymore because he isnt in love with life anymore...He said he is reflexively doing what he always does when he gets like this--bombing everything around him until he is alone again. Then he apologized for everything and said all he ever does is hurt me and that hes sorry. He said he doesnt know what to do now. I was so sad but I replied and tried to explain to him that we can work this out because I still love him and wont abandon him.
I havent heard anything from him in three weeks now. The holidays were really hard for me as I'm sure they were for him. I've sent him a few emails since then telling him that I am here for him and that I still love him and that if he needs to be alone right now then thats okay and I'll support him...I just don't know what to do. I know he gets like this sometimes, a mutual friend said he gets like this every now and then, she told me to support him and let him know I'm there for him. I want to be strong for him because I love him more than I've ever loved anyone and I want us to fix things but I understand if he just cant do that right now. He needs to take care of himself...I just dont know how I'm supposed to support him now and how I'm supposed to either stand by and wait or move on....any advice? Thanks, sorry this is so long.
Just want to give u a hug and say happy new year.
I know in my shoes how hard it is. I know. I have been through the same things.
I shrink told me to tell him that I am still there for him when he needs. But that doesn't work very well. Did u see my post up? I think the best thing you can do is let him know you love him and you did it already, and so, now, give him the space he wants. Personally, I think it works better than being around and being emotional. Just try to act strong when u are near him and be happy. Have the help if you need. In my case I also got in the trap of depression. So really take care of yourself. I know you don't want to do it at all but do it please.
You are not alone. Be strong. =)
Thanks, your advice was very helpful. Right now I am giving him his space. In my last email to him I told him that I want him to be okay, that I still love him, and that I am here for him. Now I just have to leave him alone and give him time to sort out his issues. I hope that when he is feeling like himself again, he and I might reconnect...but at the same time, I worry that this might just happen again. For right now, I am just trying to focus on getting on with my life and trying to be strong. I still love him, and I know he still loves me so for now that will have to be enough. Happy new years to you too!
I've read through all the posts and realized that there were too many good girls out there. But you got to take care of yourself too. Even the other person is depressed they still need to appreciate and care otherwise it is a dead end relationship and going nowhere. It is not a one way effort. In my case I ENDED it. Let me share some experience of overcoming the sadness of the break up
1. Dont take it personal. Read enough about depression. Just think it is all for the best to let go. As you see the examples of depression on line. None has happy endings. NONE. No matter how caring you are, how patient you are. It is just all wasted. Depressive person lost their emotions and they wont appreciate. You are darn right. They are not the same person you were in love with.
2. Open yourself to other guys. Attend more social activities. Never spend too much time alone. Thinking about this relationship over, over and over again. Try to analyze what had happened. Nothing had happened. The depressive person fell out of love. When he came out of his dperessive episode he may or may not contact you. He might feel ashamed of himself to even contact you again. He might get another girl and try to start over again. Even if he contacted you he would do the same thing again, again and again. Shut you out and hurt you. Do you want that in your life? We only live once. Why would we put so much sorrow and pain in our lives. Remember this is a life time suffering. Wasting your time with them is like shutting out all the other good guys. Maybe you think you may never met some good guy. But you got to try and give your happiness another chance.
3. Pick up your hobbies. If you like watch movies, spend more time watching movies, comedies. If you like sports go out do some fun sports. If you like playing VID games, or any kind of games. just play it and keep yourself happy
4. Go out shopping with your girls.
5. take a vacation
6. focus on your career. Keep busy..
7. Think of his shortcomings if you have to think about him. Focus on the bad moments with him. In my case, my depressed ex had numerous shotcomings. Or be simple. the only good thing about him is he is very handsome. Well, screw it I need a better personality or a good balance.
8. Think of an ideal partner you want to have and how far this guy is from your ideal partener. Or think of the past guys you have loved or have loved you. How much they treated you better than this depressed dude.
I got over my depressed boyfriend in two months. I am a emotional person. This is the quickest turnaround I had. I had two breakups within a year. Spend 6 months getting over the first guy. That guy was normal and nice. When I met my depressed ex I was very happy and thought eventually somebody took me out of my blue mood. Unfortunately it was the start of another disaster. We were happy for a few months. Then his depression came along.
All I am trying to say is LEAVE firmly. Dont look back and dont get involved further. However you can still stay friends and be there for them if they need. But as far as relationship goes find yourself another guy.
My depressed ex compromised for me. He worked on it for a while. My final peice of advise is if you do want to work out with your depressed partner, you need to be tough. Be firm on what you need. Dont be afraid of hurting him. When I was tough with my ex he treated me better and worked harder on our relationship. When I started compromise and being nice and understanding he changed to a different person. Give tough love to the depressed ones.
All the best girls! You all deserve better.
Hi, I'm so sorry to post this but so much of your story is mine. I dated my husband for 3 years, married l0. We had a wonderful marriage. Never fought, loved each other madly..we had a "5 minute rule" where when we were out of each other's sights in the house for more than 5 we could steal a kiss. On Valentine's day just before he left, he gave me the best day and we he thought I was sleeping tucked me and and kissed me so lovingly. Then he lost his business and I found out he was in debt with it. He left, he said, for two days to get his head straight. He didn't return. When I saw him a month later he was in a deep depression, hadn't shaved etc. and was having panic attacks. He'd also started smoking. He said much the same as yours except that as soon as he got his head straight he'd come home because he loved us so much. Anyway..it got worse so I convinced him to get Anti-depressants..a few months later I found out, a woman picked him up on Myspace..He talked to her for comfort with his depression. Then she bought him a trip to another country. He went. He betrayed..me..when I'd hung in with his massive depression. Was the depression a lie..no..His doctor told me it was bad and that he is still heavily depressed. Yet still he stays with her and doesn't come home. BTW...I model face covers..have a business..which I do very well at and loved him truly. This woman he settled with according to my friends, is one of the least attractive women they've ever seen. Bad skin, hair, teeth, broke and can barely speak English. Plus, she sleeps with married men. So who can tell the mind of the depressed. I am devasted and believe I may never recover from this. Good luck to you all and I hope it doesn't happen to you.
PLEASE READ & RESPOND: Hey cat, the same thing just happened beween my boyfriend and i. His grandmother just recently passed and there were some other family complications he was having. we went on a "break" awhile ago becuase of fighting over stupid problems. it was extremly difficult, but i didnt text or call or even sign on to myspace. i wanted him to worry and test to see if he cared. he did, becuase a few days later he called to check up on me. and next thing we know, we were beyond perfect again. when i saw him for the first time after our break, it was like seeing him for the first time all over again. and all the butterflies that he used to give me came back to life. it was wonderful for a couple weeks. we had our one year anniversary. and then things started to change. i noticed that he was pushing me away and going out with his firends and drinking alot. he got drunk for a few continuious nights. and went to a party at his friends house. and drank and drank and drank. i began to get worried sick. the last time i was with him when he was drunk he broke down and told me that he drank with intetions of not waking up the next day becuase his missed his grandmother. me knowing that he was drinking, and i wasnt there to protect him horrified me. i asked him why he was drinking so much and he told me it was becuase he was depressed. drinking away depression is not the right way to cope. i told him that and that i am here for him and i want to help. and he got mad at me. i asked him if he was okay, and he said no. and he doesnt want my help.i called his sister, which she has become my sister too over the past year. she was also upset by how often he was drunk. she was worried as well as i was. i told her i couldnt do anything to help him, and that she needs to do something. she told their mom. and she told him. but what he got out of the convo was that i called his sister. and he blew up at me for it. he said he was done talking and those were the last words he said to me. i thought what i did was right. i thought i was trying to help. but by doing so, he just broke up with me over myspace. and i am devasted. i wanted to spend my life with this man. and i still do. and the worst part is i dont even know if he is okay. we were in love. would he push me away due to depression? i cant lose him. he was my life and his family was my family. that cant all be gone. what do i do? i really need help. im not stable knowing that he might not wake up tomro due to alchohal poisioning. D,: please help me. im a heart broken love sick girl who may of just lost the love of her life. please, what did you do?
Hi. I am SO SORRY for my late reply. I have been having trouble logging onto this website...has anyone else???? I try every day but I get an error message and them I'm kicked out. Thankfully I can get on now!
My heart goes out to you. This is a very difficult situation for you, no doubt. I think the best thing you can do is give him teh space he is asking for. He has said he does not want any help and the more you try to help, it might push him away even more. I totally understand the stress of worrying if he is okay. My ex told me once he didn't care if he lived or died. So when he was depressed and broke up with me, all I did was worry if he was okay or not. But I could not call him. He didn't want me to.
It sounds like your boyfriend has a lot going on and he hasn't realized that he can get help yet.. and instead copes by drinking. Although he was mad at you for speaking ot his sister and then the info getting back to his mom, AT LEAST his behavior is on the radar now, and someone will be looking out for him. So you can rest your mind knowing that there are other people (his family) who are going to support him too. Have you spoken to him since?
It is hard when we love someone but we can't help them and they don't want us to be there with them. I hope he get some help and realizes how much you care. In the meantime, be kind to yourself too and please feel free to write here anytime. Everyone is very supportive.
Hello all. Since my original post weeks ago, I have been touched at the many people that have replied. In a huge huge way, this makes me realize I am not alone at all. I cannot believe how many people are going through the same thing with someone they love.
Since my first post and my boyfriend ending the relationship, it's been 3 weeks. Last week, after not speaking to him for 2 weeks, I decided to call him. I told him I needed to understand why he ended things, in order to move on.
The conversation did not go very well. He was very defensive, even though I am the one that should have been upset. As I talked to him through many tears, it was obvious he just wanted the conversation to be over. He told me that he made the right decision in ending things and that he has things he wants to do in life and that I should be with someone who is going to be there in a year's time. He told me it's about him and not about me, but then he basically told me that he has no feelings left for me. I don't know if this is the depression talking or not. He was saying things like "haven't you ever just decided that a relationship is not going in the direction taht you want and ended it?" I told him, not after 15 months.. maybe after 3 months. It was very hard to hear, and still is hard to think about. This is just NOT the person I have known for 15 months. We spoke for about 28 minutes and he apruptly ended the conversation. I said "take care" and he hung up and that was it.
That was a week ago, and I am still crying and trying to understand and accept his decision. There is nothing I can do. He simply does not want me in his life and does not want to hear from me.
Although several people in my life have said he simply "fell out of love," I know it's not that simple. Through conversation with others, I am starting to realize that some people are just not capable of loving another person becuase they don't love themselves. And with depression, many people walk around every day trying to put on a happy face to others. Eventually they realize they cannot keep this up, and everything around them, all their relationships, come tumbling down becuase they have nothing left to give.
I thank everyone for all your continued support. It's not exactly a fun Christmas for me. Trying to make the most of it, but it's hard.
Wishing you all well, and if you are feeling down just remember that you are not alone.
I have been having trouble logging in on this site too, but I also feel like I need a break from it all. To focus on myself and my own happiness. All the depression talk can wear ya down. But I just wanted to check in and I am so sorry what has happened. It broke my heart to hear what you went through, so hard to hear I am sure. It's a shame that there are so many of us caring women who would want to help someone we love through this and they just throw it away. Hang in there for yourself. He probably felt in his mind that he did the right thing because he knew how much he was hurting you and how you needed answers to something he can't understand. I'm sure he didn't want to say those things or feel that way, it just comes out in frustration. I know when I confronted my boyfriend by saying 'I guess I made more out of this than what it was', and he responded 'pobably' just because he was so filled with hate it just came so easy. I know he regretted it since he immediately went outside, then when he came back, I kissed him as a natural reaction to let him know what just happened didn't just happen. That was 3 months ago since I've seen him. I have since let him know how adaptable I am and how I really can handle this. I send him funny things to remind him how awesome I am. I let him know a band we both like will be reuniting in our city in April, so maybe there is a chance I will see him. I do miss him, and try not to think of the time lost. I just have hopes for making up that time one day. I know he's not incapable of love, it just takes longer and the walls are that much more higher with his depression. I am actually making it fun trying to climb those walls when others couldn't.
Take this time to heal, and try to have as good of a holiday as you can.
P.s We still talk everyday. I tried to leave him alone and "let him have time to miss me". The days when I don't talk to him, he usually send me sms telling me how was his day. I see him getting better but I don't see him coming back to me. =((
Patience. I saw this in an older post and thought I would share. It might be useful, to stay strong and make it work.....
I believe depressed people can differ quite widely in their behavior. I think there is a stereotype that depressed people completely withdraw when in fact they might withdraw from some aspects of their life while maintaining others. It bothered me at first that my depressed parter seemed to be spending more time with his family and friends than me but I had to look at a few things like (1) our usual trend in the relationship namely that I typically take up a lot of space and significance in his life, (2) establishing identity outside the relationship is very important to him, and (3) he uses social distraction as a way to combat the depression. I'd rather have him out doing these things than curling up into a ball and staying in all day and night. Granted it did make it harder for me to not take it personal but I remembered that it was probably because I am so close to him that makes it harder to be around me right as much as before. I believe work is a common escape for many depressed people (particularly men). My heart goes out to everyone in this situation. I've been hoping he will snap back and it is been 5 months. I can easily think about how I could make it worse (e.g. complain, confront, bemoan what I see) but instead I am grateful for what I can get, I journal, and I've gone to my own therapy. 5 months of crisis in an otherwise wonderful 8 year relationship is worth some hope and patience.
Hi. Cat, I was just came across your posting in a general search. It hit me so strongly as something I can identify with in my own personal experiences, both with my recent ex-boyfriend and with myself and how I've been relating to the world and myself. I broke up with my boyfriend just over a month ago, and it still hurts a tremendous amount. While after 8ish months, I never told him that I loved him explicitly, I know that I do. I care about him more than I had ever cared about someone like that before. Toward the end he started to pull back a bit. He's a wonderful man, and I know that he probably stayed with me longer than he was wanting so as to not hurt my feelings or prolong the pain for me. While I don't know for certain that he has clinical depression or is seeking help for it he used the word "depressed" and I assume that's exactly what he meant. Signs seemed to be there, but when I was with him he seemed calm and in good spirits. I'm not sure how much of that was something he felt compelled to put out for the world to see when he didn't feel as he appeared. While I have recently gotten back in touch with him (texting only) and he's very responsive, I still have to caution myself and constantly remind myself that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me and I need to move on. I don't want to move on, truthfully, and so it's difficult. I'd rather stay in touch with and express my care and concern than be without him at all and cut off all communication with him. More than anything, I want him to be happy. I can accept that I am not able to make him happy, or that I am not the one for him, or both. Being with him felt different than with anyone I'd been connected to in that way. While it was too soon to know if he and I were to end up together, at some point after being with him for a handful of months I started to think of him as one thinks of "home". If "home" could be an emotion, a feeling, then I was pretty sure that that is what he felt like to me-"home". In some far out there, less than "being in the moment" moments, I had pictured a life with him; a life filled with children, dogs, cats, his family, my family-a melding of our own unique family made of he and I. I thought of what it would be like to parent with him and it made me smile. We both talked about children, but never got to the point of talking about having them with one another, a future together. We never got there to that place, to those discussions. So, now I grieve for that part of my heart that seems a bit broken by the lost hope of a future, a spiritual forever union with him. What I'm left with is the unwavering care and support for him, and care that I know he has for me. It's just not meant to be on some very fundamental level. Whether it's a clinical depression he's going through, or work stress, or a realization that I am not the one for his future, doesn't matter so much for me. I want him to be alright, to feel happy, to have all of the wonderful things for his life that I know he wants.
Wow, I could have absolutely written that myself. I am still hanging on to my hopes of a future with my boyfriend, he felt like home to me, and I truly believe I for him. He would always mention how comfortable he felt right from the start. My strong faith in this future keeps me strong. Just by proving to him that I am not leaving, I feel his walls coming down very slowly. Hopefully, eventually, we can work through this together. I don't hear from him much, but when I do, I am happy with anything he gives. We are human and will have moments of self doubt, but if depression is involved, it is a serious obstacle in the relationship. I refuse to let that take over. Maybe if you prove you are strong enough to handle this, love will find a way. Just wait, I will be writing here some day, as a success story. And so will all of you. Keep strong and take care of yourselves. Keep him in your heart but also live your life.
Well said, Many thanks, "wrecked"! I appreciate the thoughts and support. Best to all of us going through this with those who are beloved to us!
Thanks, it took alot of time and understanding to get where I am now. I went into a major depressive episode over this and my best friend was being very needy and saying that I wasn't there for her. I couldn't talk to her about this because her advice to me was to find someone else. So I went through it alone and found this website. I almost lost my best friend, she was going to give up on me and my selfishness since she had no idea what I was going through. At that point I didn't care. I wasn't answering my phone. But she gave me space, wanted to be my friend and when I came out of it, she was there. Now I want her to call, and she is seeing how I am making this work for me and not giving opinions which hurt me. So by going through that, I can kind of understand what my boyfriend is going through. This is just taking longer. This happens to wonderful guys and ruins great relationships. And that is why it is so hard to just let go. I think they are just as afraid of losing us deep down as we are of them not returning.
Hi "someone".... wow, I could not have said it better than you. You have pretty much expressed what I am thinking, right down to grieving the lost hope of a future. I think you have a really good handle on what you are feeling and where you are at with him. That does not necessarily make it easier to move on of course. If you suspect he is depressed, he very likely is. The same is the case in my situation... he seemed in good spirits around me but he told me at work he would pretend to be happy and by the end of the day he was emotionally exhausted from having to put on a front. I don't think the emotions he has around you or the fact that he seemed to be in good spirits are fake... but eventually whatever is going on inside, if it's depression, it can't be ignored anymore. If you have contact with him right now and he's responsive, that is great...just go with it if your heart tells you to, but take care of yourself too. I know I'm not at the point where I have accepted the breakup and could handle communication with him. I think it will just destroy me to know I am in contact with him but I can't be with him. I'm still going back and forth in my head about whether or not to contact him. I want him to be happy and get help, but I know I can't be there becuase he's asked me not to. After the breakup, did you take a certain amount of time off from contact with him? You obviously care about him a great deal, and hopefully he sees that!
Hi again. He and I broke up the beginning of November and I contacted him after the Thanksgiving holiday to ask how he was, to express how much I care about him even though we're not together, and to let him know that I am still here for him if he needs me. He responded right away letting me know he felt the same. I also found out that he hadn't gone home to his family's for the holiday as he'd been planning. He stayed in town by himself. I just told him I'd hoped he'd had a restful weekend and the time to himself that he's been seeking. But, now that we are in contact (again, just via text and email) there's some false sense of connection. I want to be supportive, but I can't bring myself to tell him that it hurts too much to have the limit to our communication and not to be able to see him and be with him. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep, or shed some tears when I get a text from him. It's bittersweet, and I cry because I'm happy to hear from him and because I can't have more of him and I together....as we were months ago. It was magical when I met him, and I knew instantly that there was a deep connection between us. And, now....I'm left to care about him and want him to be happy with or without me. For my own mental health, I need so desperately to get to the place where I am not still thinking that there is potential for getting back together with him. I think I'd be better off sooner if I got to a point when I could tell him that I love him and that's precisely why I can't have the day-to-day communication with him, only if he really needed me. I'm not there yet. Thanks for the kind words and thoughts. It is really helpful to be able to share (even if in an online sense) with other caring, thoughtful women who are going through almost exactly.
I was at that point of crying myself to sleep, wondering why things had to be the way they were when there was such an obvious connection. Why he thought he couldn't be there emotionally for me when all I wanted to do was be there for him. Mostly, I wanted that closure, for I hadn't told him I loved him yet either. We've been together for 11 months now and we've defintely felt it. But he's been depressed for most of that time, so I knew what I was in for. I just didn't know the time apart would go on for months and eventually he felt so guilty he said that being single was his only option. I told him it's my choice to be here, and the ice is melting. Also, the last time I saw him, I got my closure. I knew depression had really taken over, and I got that chance to tell him I loved him. He held me so tight and that was such a beautiful moment that I had to repeat it. So only time will tell what is right for you. If it hurts too much to have communication and not be with him, or if you can handle that or not. I think it's sweet that you got a response saying that he felt the same, it's positive at least. Things have a way of working themselves out, and this is your life, only you know what is right for you.
Hi ladies. So, I am wondering if I might "talk this out" with you and get your advice and reactions to a long-ish exchange that he and I had last night, all via text mind you. I asked him some advice about getting something. He wrote back and then I replied back with a "thanks" and a bit about how I'm still missing him and it's difficult to do so. Surprisingly, he responded with a smile. A bit later he chimed in with a comment about how it's also hard to miss me when he's feeling "in the mood". (Hope I'm not crossing any boundaries here.) I responded by acknowledging his feeing but stating that that's not possible given that he knows I want more with him because of the way i feel about him. He acknowledged me. Later on, he let me know about something his animals had gotten into and I wrote back. Perhaps I shouldn't have done this via text and it's inappropriate but I then asked if he would answer a question of clarification about our breakup. I asked him if it he broke up with me because he was wanting to be by himself, or it if was also due to him not feeling as though we were compatible/in sync enough. He responded by saying that he feels we're compatible and cares about me deeply but it's that he's been very stressed. So, I'd say that I really had wished to hear that he thought we weren't compatible. Now, I'm back to holding on to more hope than I feel is healthy for me to heal, and back to being a bit confused about our breakup. A male friend of mine I've talked to about this a bit has suggested I tell him that while he wanted us to go our separate ways, I feel the need to do that meaning that I need some space and that includes no communication from him. He suggested that perhaps he can't quite understand how it's affecting you if you're still communicating, even just simple back and forth text exchanges. There it is. I hardly know what is right for me now, after the exchange last night. Sigh. (You ladies are wonderful and supportive, truly. So glad I came across this site.)
I also suffered the depression. I cry almost everyday. Especially at night, before falling asleep. And I just can not stop thinking about the future we once pictured and the little girl we wanted. I mentioned it once and he cried. He said he wants to get better and wants to be able to dream again.
SOmetimes I am really afraid that whe he gets better and when he comes back to me, what if .... what if no matter how hard we want, we just can not go back.
Best wishes to every girl. Wish you all have a happy ending!
I'm REALLY curious "Wrecked", do you have a success story to share? I am very hopeful you do becuase I'm going through the same thing right now and what you said in 2009 is lifting my spirits when nothing else can. Please respond!! :)
Unfortunately, the best success story I have is that I truly let him go in my heart. It took a long time but it can be done. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, it will bring you down and destroy you. I have been damaged by it but it took alot of perspective to bring myself up again. Every situation is different, but what happened was that I backed away, I had no choice after he was very cruel to me then stopped communication altogether.
After a year he contacted me out of the blue if I wanted to talk and hang out. I had no interest in him other than friends. We met up, he seemed to be doing well with a new job and I didn't even bring up the hurt and what happened. He just seemed to be fine on his own and not into relationships. I turned him down after trying to sleep with me, he apologized and we left it at that.
We still keep up every now and then, he is still not dating seriously, doubt he ever will. It takes all his energy to look out for himself.
I have learned alot from this experience though, but my advice is to truly live your own life and try to let go. No one needs that heartache. Your heart will know when it is time to move on, I did, and never thought I would. Ever. I was so determined to make this work, but realize, he came into my life for a reason but not to stay. You'd have a lifetime of pain.
I wish just once someone had a success story with this, it breaks my heart
Ugh, that sounds awful. I was scared of that answer. The thing is that my boyfriend hasn't been diagnosed but he's showing all the signs and it's so difficult to try and let go becuase this change was so sudden! One day we were fine..not even a fight, and the next he just said he couldn't do it anymore, the pressure was too much and it took me a long time to see what he meant by pressure--simply feeling (the energy it takes for him to be happy) and confronting his issues. My only thoughts are not to give up on him becuase when he's with me he's very loving and almost the same as he was before the depression started, and that gives me hope. I wish I could just say that I deserve more than this, but if it's not intentional on his part, how can I hold him responsible for the way this has affected me? He was the happiest person I have ever known only a month or so ago..I just can't accept that that person is completely gone. Is there really just no chance and this is doomed to fail? I wana ask 'why the hell is this happening' but there's nobody to refer that question to. I'm battling between staying with him through this because it would make us stronger in the end and because I truly think he needs me but is sometimes too numb or proud to say so. The other thing is, if he'll ultimately just keep rejecting my love during his low periods, am I just supposed to face that this WILL fail eventually? You don't have to have answers for me, I just need to say this to someone because it's so impossible to explain exactly how I feel to people that have never experienced this kind of situation and pain. Thank you for responding to me and I'm truly, very sorry there wasn't a success story for you.
Like I said, every situation is different, so who knows what the future has in store for you? I can only say to follow your heart and you'll know when you can't handle any more. If you feel you can move on, don't feel bad for giving up. It will save you alot of damage. But if you do hang on, just know that even though you don't realize it now, you will have a lot of trust issues later on. Either with him or anyone else. It's hard to love and not wonder in the back of your mind if/when it will happen again. I keep people at a distance until I really know them and I am certain I can trust they will not hurt me like that, but there are no gurantees. I wish you the best of luck, this really is a truly painful thing to go through
Don't let yourself get depressed over this. People sometimes handle depression in different ways. Some people cling to others while some seem to isolate themselves to deal with the pain. I would give your boyfriend the space that he has asked for and hope that he seeks help. You can't make someone get the help they need so this has to be your boyfriend's decision. It might be a good idea to call him for time to time just to see how he is doing without pressuring him to come back and in the meantime look out for yourself as I'm sure your boyfriend knows that it is not your fault that he is depressed.
Thanks Elizabeth, that is good advice. I plan to send him a very short email to just let him know that I still care and see how he's doing... but I am going to keep it simple and not focus on "me" but just to let him know i"m still here for him and I'm a phone call away. He is for sure the type to isolate himself. I guess that it's better I am realizing this now because I would not want to suddenly see this side of him if we were living together or married. I do believe that if someone gets help, they can live a happy life but you are right, he has to seek help for himself and realize that on his own.
I'm glad that my advice helped you and I think that you are doing the right thing by sending him an email. Don't give up on him.
My previously more often than not awesome boyfriend of the last eight years is in the midst of a nasty depression and he absolutely refuses to seek medical treatment. He's about two months in the hole, but still manages to get himself to work, feed our dogs when necessary and tries to lead an active social life. For my part, I've tried getting him started on herbal treatments: St John's , amino acids etc. Unfortunately I have made many care taker 101 mistakes: trying to bully him into action, using guilt and trying to micromanage his care. In his defense 2010 has been a pretty miserable year for us both: health crises in our aging but very loved pets, a job he's been in (hating) for years causing a professional crisis which lead to him quite literally flipping out and general bouts of small bits of bad luck which add to the pile on his back.
I'm pretty stunned to find all the comments listed on this page because I am in what has been basically the same situation and I have constantly been in a search for understanding. However, the difference being I am the guy who has been depressed and has done this to my wonderful (ex)girlfriend.. roughly 3 times to be exact. I have long suspected that I was suffering from some level of depression, but because I was not feeling the effects in all facets of my life (rather a few at a time) I did not wholly feel that I WAS in fact actually depressed. Well this was until I met my (ex) girlfriend and began dating her.. things moved at a steady pace and the closer we got the better it made me feel WITH her but soon the way I felt without her (whether when we were apart for the weekend or just at work) started to get worse and worse. However, I knew that what we had was very real and I was very much in love with her.. going along with that I possess a personality that causes me to try and get along with everyone and try and 'act' happy even when I'm not... so I had some success hiding what was really going on inside of me. This can only last so long and the emptiness and worthlessness and lack of confidence that I felt inside started seeping out in sporadic bursts.. this caused a number of fights/ tough times/ reconcilations.
My behavior was becoming more and more erratic around her and we would swing from nothings wrong/ totally happy all the way to everythings wrong/ I need to be alone. Eventually, it all built up inside of me and all I wanted to do was be alone-- I'd just stay at home and do nothing by myself, I'd go to dinner by myself.. I took a trip to NY that we were supposed to do together by myself.. I had long lost the ability to keep in touch with close friends.. I was convinced that I needed to be alone because I was hurting her too much and I had too much guilt when I was around her because I just did not know how to make her happy and to give anything.. the saddest part about this is when things WERE good, I was very giving and very loving and always wanted to be with her.. so it was clear that something had changed inside of me.. at least to me. What this lead to was a series of 3 breakups.. I tried my best to explain that I felt empty and alone and extremely anxious and I had to go through it on my own. SHe was devestated and hysterical. I can't even begin to describe the emotions she showed when I broke up with her and thinking about it now absolutely breaks my heart.
Following the breakup she did alot if not all of the things that you all mentioned above.. kept telling me that she cares about me, that shes there for me, loves me.. but also that her heart is confused and shes extremely hurt and doesn't know whats right. I was much worse off without her and her words and support meant more to me than I could express. I was also very confused and did not know which way was up.. I was weak and had not felt better alone so I went back to her. It was very difficult picking up where we left off.. but we did. We fell back into what we knew before and it worked.. for awhile. And then the exact same depressive and anxious feelings crept up and I quickly lost interest in doing anything. My feelings of wanting to be alone grew and grew and I wanted nothing more than to stop having her see me like that and worried about me. And I felt so guilty for having broken up with her in the first place because I could see every day more and more how special and amazing she was as a person and she had shown me continiously how much she loved me and i DID feel all of that. However, because I did not have the ability to show love back and to be the me that I knew, I felt taht I did not deserve her and I could not 'keep it up' any longer so to speak, so I broke up with her again. This time for a month.. and in the same fashion as before, I was alone. I felt a little stonger this time around and became more clear headed and felt less anxious. And during this period I also felt 'the love' return full force, and I had all of these realizations that I should be with her because not only do I know that she loves me, but more importantly I knew that in my core that I loved her and that what I was going through would pass and I needed to stay with her and fight through it together. So, a second time we got back together. This time started off much better. We had less contact during our time apart and it was more like we were dating all over again. We planned things, went on dates, and both put forth effort. Then, in the span of a few days everything came crumbling down and I reached my lowest point (at that time) and I felt nothing. I did not feel any happiness inside of me, I felt alone, anxious, and uninterested in following through on any plans I had. I felt that I was close to losing my job, and I needed to focus all my energy on myself before it was too late.. because at that point I felt that I was hanging by a thread. She called me out on it becaus she had seen it all before.. after only 3-4 days of being distant and standoffish she basically said "its happening again isn't it". I had no words. We met to talk and I was a zombie. I could hardly talk, I felt like I was hiding somewhere deep inside of me. I was able to communicate to her that I felt helpless, lost, a strong sense that I needed to be alone, and very anxious. All of this was true at that time. What was also true, was I did not stop loving her. I was overtaken by something stronger than my feelings of love.. I have used the term "my life and myself were taken from me" and at that point in time I felt like I could not continue to be with someone else, or around anyone really. I still knew that I loved her and cared for her deeply and before too long this created guilt like I have never known before-- it came from the fact that I KNEW that my feelings for her were true and I also KNEW how much I hurt her. I didnt lose my ability to understand the effects of what I had done.. and because of this it pulled me even deeper.
That was a 2 monthes ago and things have been very up and down since. At first she was there.. trying to and wanting to keep touch and support me. But after seeing me once or twice and putting up with my erratic communication she started to pull away and protect herself. She hasn't told me this.. I can just sense it. The good news is I have been going to therapy for about 4-5 monthes and I am feeling much better and stronger. I have a good perspective on what has happened and a better understanding of why I felt/ feel the way that I do. With this, I am also feeling a strong sense that I have lost the love of my life and such a special person who gave unending support and so many chances to get my act together. I want to ask for advice on how to get her back, but I know that it is not something I can pursue because my wants and needs do not equate what is best for her. I love her and want to be with her and all I can do right now is accept that it is something I want.. not something I should have. I want to see her and tell her everything in person, but I am doing my best to avoid contact and just give her space. I guess I am hoping she comes back to me.. but I guess I'm not sure that is how it will go. I have a lot of love to give, and to me there is only one person that it belongs to.. and I don't know how to get her back
I dont really have a distinct point in typing all of this out.. I just felt that from reading so many of your posts that what you were really wanting was an insight into your ex/bfs/gfs heads/hearts and thats what I wanted to try and provide. While I don't think I've been going through severe depression, I know that I am going through and have been going through at least a moderate form of it and hopefully this was helpful.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH for sharing - it's good to hear from the perspective of the depressed. My boyfriend of 2 years behaves in much the same way as you do and I have tried many times to show how much I love him and how I want to help him through this. What is interesting about your post is how you were so desperate to be alone. Sometimes I have not given him the time to be alone, but I am learning. We are in a long distance relationship and I have never really understood his desire to be alone. My view is we are apart for so long how can us talking on the phone cause him so much stress. Well, I no longer call him and wait for him to call me - at least he can speak to me when he is ready.
I can identify with your girlfriend and how you think she is now protecting herself and slowing pulling back. I have started to do this too. I am focussing on my life and doing things for myself - going on courses, meeting friends, making new friends etc. It is so important for us who are on in relationships with depressed people to find ourselves again.
My boyfriend often says he loves me, is proud of me etc. but sometimes I do not feel this true because his actions do not show this. I feel that I am always being pushed away and he never considers my feelings. He can be very selfish!
If I can see my boyfriend making a REAL effort, then I think we can start to work together again and make a go of our relationship. If you can show your girlfriend the same - she may be more willing to stand by your side. My boyfriend has said he is now seeking the help of a doctor to get some medication. I used to be very anti-medication, but having seen him be so low and have no feeling of joy in his life, I think medication may be useful for him. Something to lift his mood so he can start to think rationally. Have you considered this? Meds do not have to be taken forever.
Once again - thank you. I really hope you work hard to get better so you can move forward with your life.
I've been reading your posts and feel I could have written them myself. My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 and a half years. He's broken up with me a few times over that time and most recently about 2 months ago. I know he is depressed and have talked to him about getting help many times. He always refuses saying talking to a counsellor won't help him. He is completely opposed to meds. I got him to speak to someone and go to his family doctor which led to some counselling. Unfortunately, he doesn't go often enough, and I really feel that he needs to be on meds and get counselling more regularly in order for him to get better.
In the meantime, once again, I'm being pushed away. He says I deserve better and that he just wants to be by himself. He feels guilty when he's with me because he can't give me what I deserve. He tells me he loves me and misses me. He says I should move on and find someone who will treat me right. It doesn't matter how many times I tell him I love him and want to be with him while he deals with his issues. He says we wants to be by himself and that it's better that way because he can't hurt me.
I have seen him and his mood can turn on a dime. He'll be fine one day and seem like he really wants me around and then can turn and say our relationship should be over and this may be the last time we see each other. I'm torn - do I hang in there? I love him and don't want to abandon him, but doesn't he need to get real help? At some point, don't I have to face the fact that he's choosing to wallow in this depression when I know he has the awareness and the opportunity to get help? This is not a new situation with him. He's had these issues the whole time I've known him. However, he is seeing a counsellor now which is the most he's ever done to get help. I just don't know...
I know what you are going through and how difficult it has been. I'm going through something very similar. I think it is good that your boyfriend acknowledges that he doesn't want to hurt you and that he does love you. I think it is also good that he is getting some help now--I really hope things work out. As far as what you should do, I've been asking myself the same question for awhile too. Do we stay by their side even when they push us away and tell us they dont want us around, or do we move on and get away so we stop getting hurt. It's difficult when you love someone so much and they hurt you but you know it's not really them. I agree with what many other people on here have said, ultimately it will depend on how much you can take. I'm not sure how much I can take either, but I tell myself that it is worth it--but it's exhausting. The one thing I will say is that I doubt he is choosing to stay depressed, but rather doesnt know how to stop. He is feeling lost and hopeless, depression is a trap and once a person is stuck it can be very difficut for them to pull themselves out. I would say if he is seeing a counselor now, see how it goes, even if it'sfrom a distance. Good luck, and have hope!
Thanks for your reply. Yesterday, my boyfriend broke up with me...again. He actually did it via text which was very hurtful to me. He says he loves me, but he likes being by himself and is more at peace. He says that he doesn't want to waste my time because he is not in a good place right now. Interestingly enough, this came on the heels of me telling him he needed to get his depression treated - something he is very reluctant to do. He's seen a psychiatrist twice and is going again in a month, but he still refuses to consider medication or more regular counselling. In the meantime, he is isolating himself.
I'm not sure how to feel. I'm obviously hurt and sad, but I'm trying to treat this like a real break-up. I've decided that my bottom line is that he needs to be really dealing with his depression for us to have a chance. If he chooses to be alone then I have to accept that. I'm going to try to move on. It will be hard and our pattern has been that he gets back in touch with me when he starts to feel better. In a way, I want that, but I also hope that he recognizes that maybe it's best that he let me go.
I hope that your situation goes better than mine. I really believe the key is that these guys get into treatment. And, as the old saying goes, you can lead a horse to water... If they don't, then we're doomed to ride that rollercoaster until we decide to get off.
I hope my guy gets help for his sake, and I won't lie, I hope he will then see things with me differently.
Thanks again for your support.
I am so happy to find this page. I am not a english speaker and my english is really poor but I do get a lot help from your words.
It's so good to know that I am not doing this alone.
A hug for everyone
This is a great source. I'm going through the same thing right now. It's not easy going through this because we're left with the big question of "what just happened?" In a moment, you guys were enjoying each other's company, and then the next moment he puts it out there about his depression and needing time alone. I wonder the same thing...is he making excuses to just end this relationship because he has no feelings anymore? or it is what he says. I believe him, but when you can't talk to anyone else, such as your friends, out of respect for him and his privacy, it's hard. Contact from him has become minimal, and I'm desperately trying to give him the time he wants alone. It's not easy, and sometimes I find myself going through self-doubt and would also be crushed if I found out that he was taking me for a ride. I contact him, and he's still responsive, but it's not easy. I too yearn for him to want to see me and want to be with me. It hasn't happend so far. I hurt, but will not share that with him either because I do not want him to carry that burden as he already has enough burden on his own.
I'm grateful that there is this site, as I've read everyone's posting to know that I'm not alone out there.
How you are feeling is normal... trying to make sense of things and question what just happened. I talked to a counsellor and she explained this is normal... not that i didn't alreay know that, but it does help to hear it from a trained professional. I think I have been focusing too much on replaying what he said the last time I talked to him and questioning if what he said is truthful. The counsellor's point to me was that yes it's okay to wonder all these things and talk about it... but I have to look for closure within myself. Even if I ask him, he might not know because he didn't know in the first place. The same may or may not be true in your case. I think that is easier said than done to reach that closure, and I'm definitely a long way off! I also think everyone has a different timeline. For me it might take weeks or longer of going through that questioning process... for someone else it might be quicker. Although it's difficult, you are giving him what he wants right now.... which is time alone. I am not sure how long you have been apart from your boyfriend, but if he's still responsive that is a good thing. I am sure in my case, he would probably respond if I contacted him, but I have decided not to do so... it's just too upsetting for me at this point and i think it will keep me all wound up in his problems. I understand what you are saying about feeling that you can't talk to friends out of respect for his privacy...however, you need to take care of yourself as well. And part of that includes seeking support from others on sites like this as well as people that know you personally. I think there is a way to seek support from family/friends without disrespecting his privacy, as long as you trust the people you are talking to. This website is great and please write here anytime.... there is always someone here to listen.
I found this article to be very helpful... not sure if you have come across it yet:
Thank you for your response. It's not easy I can tell you that. I saw him yesterday and he just seemed kind of angry and short. I know it's not directed to me, but just in general, he's just angry for the situation he's in. I don't know if it was a good thing or a bad thing for me to go over there, because I'm not sure if he even wanted me over there, but I also understand that some depressed people will make a split decision and then change their mind. I didn't spontaneouly go over there. I went over there because he and I had contacted each other earlier in the day. It ended up me letting him know that I did miss him...and I told him that I'm trying to give him his space and for him to let me know whenever he's ready we can meet up. He decided to make the effort to see me yesterday. I know it'll be days again probably before we make contact again. I even know that he and I may never return to where we were and I accept that. I just want to know he's okay, because he doesn't have a big support circle. All I can do is have faith and pray.
I hope this site is helping you cat too.
Didn't know that so many girls are going trhough the same thing.
I was in a long distance relationship. We managed to do it quit well laste year and he suddenly told me that he was having doubts and wanted space and time. He said he was bad, felt like failure and wreck. I went to see him twice in two months and tried to give him confidence but didn't work out. I was too hurt. He said I am too far away which makes him really sad and he is too depressed about everything in his life. After almost 2 months, I said I could hold anymore. He cried a lot and the second day he said ok. He said he didn't know that I was so hurt and the break up could make him less guilty. He doesn't seem so bad as your boyfriends. I reall want him back. He says his feelings never changed and he still wants to be more than friends. I don't know what can I do to get him back.
I'm sorry that you're going through this because I know it's so hard. You want them back...to that happy place where you and him were, and it's so hard because you feel like you're just outted out of their lives. I'm having a hard time too. Me and the guy I was seeing keep in touch. Today, he called me, but there wasn't any intimate conversations because I'm just trying to keep it light. I don't know why he called and it's terrible that I end up second guessing his reason for calling you. I struggle trying not to pour my guts out to him of how I feel because it will only stress him out further. It's not easy on me, and as we hung up, I feel sadden. I want to be able to just go to him and hug him. To have that closeness, but at the same time I end up supressing my feelings. I don't know if this happens to you, but it also saddens me that he and I may not be the same ever again. I try moving on and be his friend, because that's what he needs now but it's so hard. Feelings just don't go away easily. I don't know what you could do to get him back. From the readings on this site, it seems like respecting their wishes is the best thing for them while they're going through this low point in their lives. It's hard though...very hard. I write on this site because I can't share how I feel with him, so I share with those who are going through the same thing. I hope in the end that every one will have a happy ending.
Thank you so much for your words. =)
It's has been 2 months. In the end of Sept, I felt there was something wrong with him. Sometimes I called, he was impatient and said he was always sleeping. I didn't quite understand it. The second day of Oct, I said that we need to talk. He burst into tears and said" I am having doubts". I was in a shock. He said he didn't go to classes those days. (We are still in university) Basiclly, he satyed in his room watching movie or sleeping. He said he got lost and he couldn't think about anything. I went there to visit him.(3 hours by airplane) He seemed happy when he got me in the airport. We talked and didn't resolve anything. He said he wanted time and space.
When I came back, I satrted to doubt everything. Like you guys said, sometimes I am really afraid of being a fool. There are many times I told myself, maybe what he wanted is just not me. We are too far away from each other. Maybe he do need someone to be there by his side. I taled this with him. He said there is one girl going after him. She is nice and funny. He can not say he has no interests but he doesn;t want anything from her. But after he told me this, I got even angrier. I started to think that everything he told me before was not true. He said if he breaks up with me, he is not gonna be with no one.
This kind of conversation kept going for like 50 days. We were always talking the same things. He said he understand how my situation but he wouldn't repeat his answers again. He said that I kept asking him about that girl, looks like i want to make sure that he cheated so I could end this relationship easily. Maybe subconciously, I did think that way. I don't know.
The second time when I went there, I felt him even futher from me. But we tried to have some good time. He held my hand through a movie time in the cinema and told me that he loves me on the street. Before I left, he even told me that he was gonna try for us, he would try to get better.
But two days later, when I asked him " are you better" "why you told me those things", he got impatient again. I screwed it. He went back to the begining. =( The same conversation started to repeat again. He just said that he is not in a balance. He wanted to stop and run away to somewhere, alone and think about his life. He also didn't understand what happened to him.
In the end of Nov, I said him a letter to tell him that I was also not ok. Maybe even worse than him. I couldn;t fall asleep, lost appetite and feeling everything hopeless. I called him then to say "you are free now". He cried and refused to talk to me.
The second day we broke up. He said that his family told him if he continue, I would start to hate him and we would lose all the chances in the future. So he agreed.
We are friens now. I try not to contact him as before and everytime we talk, i try to wear a brave face and make joke with him.It's really hard to be friends when all I want is to be his "the one" like before.
SOme days ago he told me that he feels like a failure and not confident anymore. He felt like he has no future and can not do anything. I thought about all these reasons. It was the first time he talked about it by himself. He started to realize what was going on in his head. Maybe it;s even a good thing for him.
Last weekedn, I was mad at him for being late for four hours for skype. He told me that he started to do some exercise and go to classes everyday. He is getting better and he still wants to be more than friends in the future. Then I apologize for being mad and said that we should keep things easy and happy.
I am also getting better. I am still holding the hope that we can start over. I got a lot of help from you girls' words. Thank you so much!
Hang in there... I think it's good that you had the opportunity to tell him all that. It probably felt good to get it out there too. Now you have told him so he knows. I wish I could have contact with him, but it's been 2 weeks today and I have heard nothing from him, except his email last week (only in respose to one I sent him after we broke up.. telling him I still care). He said in the email that he is sorry he hurt me and he hopes I am okay. I did not reply. It is good that you let him know you still care, but you are giving him space. I feel guilty that I didn't have the chance to tell him all that in my case... but he chose to end things so there is nothing I can do. I did tell him in my email that I am just a phone call, email or text message away if he needs anything... but I haven't heard from him. Keep me posted on how you are doing and write anytime. If he is allowing you to stay in his life and wants to see you and asked you to go over, that is a positive thing.
Thanks for your kind heart. I'm sorry that he hasn't contacted you, but at least he did respond to your email. I'm sure he's still trying to figure things out too. Give it some time. It's still early, from all the posts that I'm reading...it seems that they themselves need to figure out what's going on in their heads too. I know it's not easy at all. I'm sure you're dearly missed by him and he struggles with that too. This situation is not easy for either of you I'm sure, because I struggle with it too.
He contacted me today via phone, which surprised me. We didn't have any deep conversation, nor do I know why he contacted today. He contacted me the other day too. I do miss him, and I am guilty at times to wish that all this would go away. It's such an uncomfortable feeling. I feel as though I need to surpress my feelings because he's not ready to hear all of how I'm feeling. I believe that it would only stress him out even more so I keep it light. I'm not sure if that's what he wants to hear, or if he still wants to know that I still care.
There is so much more to this situation...just like I'm sure of yours. I'm still not sure where I stand in his life. I feel like we're not even friends anymore because there's not a connection even when I'm there with him. It saddens me, however I'm still hanging in there and still praying every day that it will all come clear.
Feel free to contact me if you are feeling low. I know that there are some days that's even worse then other days. I know that this site helps to let us know we're not alone out there.
Okay, here's an update...I don't know if it will give you some comfort or make things worse, but I'm going to say what happened to me tonight. I realize that these guys that we care about are going through a really, really tough time. Communication is key because it helps, however these guys feel that they should be alone to go through whatever it is that they're going through on their own. In my case, the guy feels like he's the guy and he needs to figure things out on his own and to not burden anyone that he cares about. The unfortunate thing is that there is someone that truly cares about him that is right there. It will take time and heartache to go through the ups and downs. You supress how you feel for the sake of his. Trust me, I know. Today, I went and saw him because I really had to get things off my chest because I realize that I'm not being myself either. It is selfish, but like someone said, you have to take care of yourself also because depression is contagious. Anyhow, I went and saw him. He wasn't stressed out at first but because I was talking to him about the way I was feeling...things got dramatic because emotions are involved. The situation stressed him out big time. I won't go through the event of what transpired, but it was stressful. In the end, I realize that my self-doubts are my own. I realize also tonight that it isn't because he doesn't care but that he cares a great deal. Maybe I'm fooling myself, but you kind of have to go with your initial instinct. There are people who aren't in my situation and telling me that he's pulling a wool over my eye, but they don't know the entire detail of what is going on. I don't share it because it's his private affair. I can tell you this though, what I saw tonight, I would think it takes a real deviant to do what he does. He still cares, but he's having a hard time internalizing everything. That is part of the depression. For whatever reason, He needs to figure out why he feels the way he does. We communicated and I realize he cares a great deal more than I'm willing to accept on my own because I have trust issues. We would go back and forth talking about the same thing, and yes it gets draining. In the end, I just had to say...can we stop talking about this? I think that was the best solution. I know that I'm not giving much more detail, but again, I'm having a hard time putting it all out there because of respect for him. Anyhow, I realize that at this moment...whatever our situation is, I kind of stress him out and he stresses me out. It's natural. I left letting him know in the end that I care a great deal for him...it's important that he knew that. I also realize too that I may need a break from him myself for like 2 weeks. It will take time like someone said but if you can endure all this, then it makes you guys that much stronger.
Thanks for the update! It confirms what I suspected, that they can not handle anything emotional but do care a great deal. It has been a while for me, and a lot of trial and error. Sometimes I have moments of doubt, as we are all human, but it would take someone very cruel to just 'fake' this to move on. I still get nervous and have self doubts, but then I am proved ridiculous. I can now go through an emotional roller coaster on my own (and here) without burdening him and making it all worse. It takes a lot of faith, trust and hope....and love. Take a break, and spoil yourself! I will follow my advice as well
You are welcome. It's not easy and it is an emotional roller coaster. I will try and take a break, but heart and mind want to do two different things. We are human.
It is helping me to read these posts, as I am going through a very hard time right now. The man I've been dating for the past 4 months wants to end it with me. Things were going well for a while, we dated, spent one intimate weekend together at our 3 month mark, enjoyed similar interests, etc. He talked about how much of a lady I was, how attractive I am, and how he was trying to build a relationship with me as he felt we were so good together. He even talked about us doing things in the future together; vacations, etc. Just these past few weeks he has been distant. He used to initiate texts & phone calls more at first, but not much over the past few weeks. I must add that earlier this year his ex girlfriend moved out on him but he says she still contacts him from time to time. Note that we are both in our 50's so we are not kids. Earlier this week I asked if we could talk, and he called me 3 nights ago and said he will talk with me, but he is going thru hard times right now with his sick mom and job worries. His tone of voice was cold. I asked him if we were breaking up, and he said it may come to that cause he can't give me what I want and he isn't making me happy. He said this is all his fault, and has nothing whatsoever to do with me, and that there are things about him he hasn't told me about, and he will talk with me about it. It's been 3 days since that call & he hasn't talked with me yet. He has a demanding job as well. Please help me. I have not contacted him. I feel he is going thru enough and doesn't need me getting in the way. But I want to know why..... I am crushed as I really enjoyed him. Just a week ago he told me he didn't want to lose me, but if I wasn't happy I should cut him loose. I don't want to lose him; I would be happy to see him just as casually dating, but I don't think he wants that either. Do you think the ex is what's confusing him? Please help me. I am crying too much and I just want us to have that final talk so I can move on.
hi, there. I read this. I would like some more info, help etc. My boyfriend of 4 months suffers from on/off depression bouts. The one that he is in now started 5 days ago and I have had one sms. It said 'its nothing to do with you. I am in a bad space because of the way I treat you. I am constantly verbally and emotionally abusing you and I dont like myself like this. I think we need a break so I can think about why I am like this. I am sorry. I'll still keep incontact but I need a break"...that was all. I have not heard anything in 4 days and he does not reply to any sms's. I left a support card and cuddly toy for him for support and nothing. so what now?
I'm so relieved to see I'm not the only person going through this sort of thing. My boyfriend and I were only dating about 3 weeks when his depression ended our relationship. I realize 3 weeks is not long, but things moved very fast. At first, I was hesitant to begin a relationship as I had endured a bad breakup a few months prior. But he was extremely understanding, and told me even if I wanted to run, and decided to come back, he'd still be here. The beginning of our relationship was great, we connected on every level, met each other's families, spent every day together. He would tell me how he couldn't bear to spend a day apart, how he loved spending time with me, and that he felt closer to me than girls he had been with longer. I knew he had a history of depression, and that he doesn't take medication, although he did over a year ago. A few weeks into our relationship I noticed he was distancing himself. He wasn't as anxious to see me, I would have to contact him for the most part, but when we did see each other he was affectionate, and seemed ok, although not quite like he used to. When I brought this up he confessed that he doesn't know what he wants, that he is attracted to me and has feelings for me, he even said I am perfect for him, but he just doesn't see how the relationship can work. I should mention that he's moving to LA in August (we're in NY), so that has been a huge stress. He thinks he can't be in relationship because of his depression, and says he doesn't want to hurt me. I told him how much I care about him, that I want to stay by his side throughout everything, even if all I can do is hold his hand. He said that makes him feel worse because he feels guilty, and that he's happier being alone than attached. I told him I can't stop caring about him and that I don't want the relationship to die. I know it's hard for him, he gets choked up talking about it. I know I can't help him fully, but I still want to be there for him in anyway I can. He told me he would take some time to think about things, and talk to me soon. I just don't know what to do right now. I miss him so much already; we were so good together. I break down everytime I start replaying memories and remembering things he's said to me. I'm scared he won't contact me at all, and I'll never hear from him again. I know I need to respect his wishes and give him space. He said if I wanted to help him, then I need to let him go. But I don't believe that's what he really wants, to see me gone forever. I keep second guessing his reasonings, wondering if he just doesn't want to be with me, if he'll end up with someone else, if I did something to ruin the relationship. I guess I'm wondering what the best thing to do is? Should I just wait a few weeks and try and talk to him, or just try to move on entirely? I don't want to give up on this relationship, I just know in my heart that this could be something amazing. The fact of his moving to LA is difficult, but I was planning on moving out there next year anyway. I really, truly care about him, and want him to be happy. If anyone has some advice I would be extremely grateful, thanks.
My advice is not something you'd like to hear. Just a few weeks you can get over it. People with depression want to get rid of depression so whenever they meet girls they like they seem temporarily snap out of it so they are excited and all saying all kinds of nice things such as "you are the best thing ever happen to me...I love you..." I've been through those. Soon they found out that a relationship doesnt help and it mnight make them feel worse. They are selifsh. They back off for their own sake. If they dont know what they want there is nothing you could do to change them or get them back. Basically you have to cut him out. If you get obsessed and keep contacting him things will get worse. They may get really rude to you and say hurtful things. As far as I read so far, sorry, no happy endings with the depressed one. You have no choice but move on because you can't get him back just by standing by his side. It has to be him to make the effort.
It's been about 10 weeks now since my DXBF laid things to rest between us. I have to be honest with you, there are so many things I have wanted to say to him since then and since he initially broke things off between us back in December. But I don't do the whole ‘talking' thing particularly well... I guess it's because I always worry that I will say something that I will later regret. I find it much easier to put my thoughts and feelings down on paper, at least then I can get it all out yet still have the option to cling to them should I feel the need.
This entire situation has left me (and a lot of other people for that matter) rather baffled, bemused and bewildered. So I wanted to share my side of things and get EVERYTHING off my chest.
Us getting together in the first place was a feat in itself. On my part, there had been a long standing attraction to him, pretty much from the first time we met a couple of years ago. I instantly felt chemistry with him and was, for want of a better word, awed by him in some respects. However, all that time ago things between me and my EXBF and I were OK and therefore it meant that I was more able to ‘can' these feelings and carry on as normal and see it as nothing more than a bit of a thrilling crush. I thought he were great... a talkative, intelligent, funny and hideously talented person.
Over time (two years in fact) mine and EXBF's relationship had dwindled to the point of no return. I had been consumed with resentment and frustration and there was far too much water under the bridge to make amends. I knew for a long while what had to happen but there were certain material, rather than emotional, factors that prevented the inevitable from happening for some time.
It was during this time that I became closer friends with XDBF and started hanging out independently of ‘the group' and getting to know one another better. I really had fun doing that as well, we had some good giggles. It didn't take long for either of us to realise that there was something else brewing under the surface, some kind of attraction that was more than ‘just good friends'. I guess this sort of preludes one of the nicest ‘first' kisses I have experienced to date! Now, I was still in a relationship at the time and I'm fully aware that his moral constitution was a great deal sturdier than mine at the time and I know that it took a lot of deliberation from him to actually do that in the first place, to go against what he knew was right. Neither of us were drunk, neither of us was ‘seduced' and both of us knew exactly what was going on.
It was that moment with him that lead me to believe that it would be unfair of me to stay with EXBF any longer, it would absolutely make me the bad guy and although the end of our relationship was inevitable, I didn't want it to be a horrible spiteful break up where he finds out that I kissed another man and it all ends in tears. So I did the right thing and finished with him.
After finishing with EXBF, things between EXDBF and I started moving forward. We were talking on the phone often, seeing each other once or twice a week, but at the same time keeping things as under wraps as possible until we both figured out what was going on. As much as he was trying to fathom what I was wanting out of it, I was also doing the same. While he was making sure that I wasn't just rebounding, I was making sure that he wasn't just interested in me because I was the first woman who had batted an eyelid at him for a while.
During this time I think we both maybe made a few mistakes as to how quickly we moved things forward. But, we were both figuring out what this ‘new thing' was, what we each wanted and what the other person wanted. he even told me that himself. Perhaps we should have tried the whole dating thing for a while, but some things happen at a certain pace for a good reason. The reason for him and I was that we both clearly felt a mutual attraction towards one another (which is where most relationships start, correct me if I'm wrong!) and we both felt a connection that we wanted to explore more.
Whilst we were both in this transition of figuring out exactly what was going on in each others minds, I was trying to find reassurance from other people (mutual friends) that he actually was interested in me and weren't just being ‘friendly', this is largely due to my own paranoia and I suppose my lack of familiarity with the courting process after such a long time. I guess I thought I didn't have it in me. I think what was also going through my mind, very much rooted in dwindling self esteem, was how on earth someone like him would be interested in me. I think I thought a lot more of him than I did of myself. But then I suppose all paranoia stems from lack of faith in one's self. But he eventually convinced me that I perhaps was, "talking out of my arse"! I know that he also had his own apprehensions about getting something started with me, such as the fact that I was essentially fresh out of a relationship (regardless of the ins and outs of that situation), concern for our friends opinions and whether or not they thought it was a good idea. But despite being met with some reservations from a mutual friend, he still went with his feelings.
It was at this stage also when I started getting to know his dad better along with his sister, housemate and everything seemed to be going really nicely, despite it all still being largely on the QT. Of course, I still had EXBF living with me at the time so it probably wasn't the best idea to be public knowledge. But, eventually, EXBF moved out and that gave us the opportunity to actually get the ball rolling a bit. Halloween I believe it was. That was possibly one of the best nights of my life, partly because I got to dress up like a vampire, partly because I was finally ‘free', partly because I met 2 new friends, but largely because it was the first night when EXDBF and I could interact like people who were seeing each other. I felt so happy that night. He seemed over the moon as well - it was absolutely lovely. I felt so proud to have him next to me, it was brilliant! Then the morning after a truly awesome night out, he asked me if I wanted to make ‘us' official. Once again, he truly brightened up my day. It finally lay to rest any doubts in my mind that I had regarding his intentions with me and it made me see that he actually was interested in me, for who I was, not for what I potentially represented.
The following weekend was my birthday. He came and stayed at mine on the Friday night, we watchedtv, drank a bit of wine and then, you know... we did that thing that he had put off doing until he knew it was the right thing to do. It just worked. Everything just worked so well between us.
The day after was the day of my party. Once again he was utterly fantastic to me, he actually gave me everything. If it hadn't have been for him then that party would not have happened, at least not in the way that it did. he was utterly phenomenal.
I once had a heart to heart with his housemate I told him about how paranoid I had been etc. HOUSEMATE reassured me that EXDBF really did like me and would not have pursued me to the point of a relationship if he didn't.
I think that it was around this time when EXDBF unfortunately had to deal with the angry messages from EXBF. He could have just ignored it all and carried on, but he didn't. He dealt with it when he really didn't need to. He fought his corner and mine and was such a gentleman about the whole thing. He managed to simmer the fire and gave us a slightly more open plane on which to continue our relationship.
He let me get close with his friend's; they welcomed me with open arms. But soon he mentioned to me that he had started to feel his depression creeping back in. I remember he told me not to worry and that if he still felt the same in a week then he would seek help. he told me that it's triggered by change, positive or negative change. The last time he was bad was when his niece was born a couple of years ago. So, despite feeling slightly responsible for what he was feeling (being quite a significant recent change), I trusted that he was in some sort of control and would do whatever he could to catch it before it took hold.
So, from then we had some nights in with friends, he met my parents and we both developed new bonds with each others friends. Things really seemed to be progressing nicely for each of us, moving forward in a good way and at a nice manageable pace.
Soon after I went on a shopping trip with his sister. I think that up until then, she was the one person whom I had not really spent any significant amount of time with (of the people who he regarded as close to him). I was apprehensive as she is quite a formidable lady, about as close to meeting his mother as I was going to get for a while! But my worries were soon quelled and we had a really fun day filled with clothes, girly chats, laughs and lunch (and wine)! That was also the day I had the pleasure of meeting his adorable little niece whom he dotes on so much.
I think that day was possibly the day when I felt I had been ‘accepted' and that I had a place in his life. Later that day he had a small gathering at his house and I had a really nice time. However I could absolutely tell that there was something not quite right with him, he seemed a bit distant, a little ‘not quite in the room with the rest of us' so I asked him was ok. To which he replied that he were still feeling that his depression was taking hold of him again. Still, even so,he told me not to worry and that he would sort it out. That night was seemingly the last night I spent with him.
A week later we went to the cinema with MUTUAL FRIEND. I think this was possibly the first time anyone from that particular friendship group had actually seen him and I together and apparently, the last as well. This is where the confusion starts. I don't know what the hell happened. I know that earlier in the night, before I arrived, that he was talking to MUTUAL FRIEND about how he was worried that he was getting depressed again and also talking to him about what to do with me, also about how we had future plans such as you thinking about moving in with me at some point, possibly going away sometime soon etc. One minute everything is OK, the next he is crying his eyes out to me and splitting up with me, crying because he said he didn't want to do that.. Where did it go wrong? What snapped? I know he had been thinking about what was happening to he, ergo what would happen with me, for sometime before that night, but it still seemed like he wanted to carry on seeing me during that time.
What he said to me that night was pretty hard to take on board. It was also extremely painful to see you like that and feeling, albeit, a tad responsible. His depression had taken hold and he only knew how to deal with it whilst single, so he needed me to step back and give him the space that he needed to get better. He said he couldn't feel beholden to me while he was going through this truly selfish problem. I completely understood that and realised that the added pressure of having to worry about what someone else was feeling was perhaps not giving the clear path he needed to help himself. He also thanked me for understanding and said that he knew he would have chosen the wrong woman if I didn't. But one thing that he did say to me that still rings in my head is "it's not the end; please don't see it as the end."
So I did possibly the single most emotionally challenging thing I have ever had to do and I stepped off the radar for you and kept as much out of his life as I possibly could, at risk of damaging him further. I didn't do it for me; I did it for him because it's what he needed. And so began the downward spiral.
I found solace and counsel in talking to people about what had happened, as opposed to his coping mechanism of holing up and disappearing. Everybody was extremely understanding, to be honest I don't know what I would have done without them. My mind was in utter turmoil. It was as if speaking to other people was not only a cathartic act, but is also prevented me from targeting my feelings at him, which would have been detrimental in so many other ways. HOUSEMATE was one of the first people to get in touch with me, saying that EXDBF had told him what had happened and that it's really sad as EXDBF really liked me and that I should see it as a break or taking things slowly for a while.
MUTUAL FRIEND was one of the first people I told and since then he has been an absolute rock, he has been there for me at the drop of a hat when I have needed him and leant me the best ear I could possibly wish for. He helped EXDBF a lot in the past when he suffered depression previously. His mantra was that he was going to do the best he could to help EXDBF get better and also the best he could to help me be ok throughout it all. One thing that strikes me as unusual and has baffled me and MUTUAL alike is EXDBF said to him that when he was better, he definitely wanted to carry on seeing me and that he was, in fact, using that as a target to get better for. When MUTUAL FRIEND told me what EXDBF said, I felt an overwhelming sense of relief and it seemed to be a case of not ‘if' he and I get things off the ground again, but ‘when'. It was this glimmer of hope on the horizon that helped me through the following few weeks.
Everyone was so kind to me and really gave a +*!+ (and still do!) about how I am getting on and if I'm ok. I think they are all rather disappointed by what has happened as they saw something in me that was good for him and I think they genuinely feel saddened by how things have turned out. This kind of outpouring of support from people I haven't known all that long is truly touching indeed. I have every intention of maintaining contact with everybody, despite what has happened between us.
I did everything by the book for him and completely put him first above all else. He came before me and what I needed. It took so much of my strength to walk away and leave him, but that was what he needed. I was so drained of everything throughout the whole ordeal, I wasn't myself by a long shot, but I knew I had to stay strong for him, because that's what he needed. I know that his coping mechanism is to disappear and only really see his family, which is fair enough. But I gave him the patience of a saint. If I wasn't as strong as I was then his situation would have been made so much worse. There are not a lot of women who would do what I did for him and wait for him to have the time that he needed to get better and to deal with whatever it was that he had to deal with. Most people would not have given him the benefit of the doubt. But I cared about him enough to let him do what he did. I could have handled it a completely different way, I could have been as selfish as he was. But that's not me. He never even gave me the chance to show how strong I could have been for him. Our relationship was still far too young for me to be able to help him in the ways I wanted to or felt I could, or to be there for him in the way I wanted to. The only way I could do right by him was to step away. I became consumed by the whole situation. It was like a constant banging in my mind, relentless and unforgiving. No matter how much I tried to distract myself, my thoughts constantly fell back to him. I don't know why. Usually I am particularly good at proverbially closing one door and opening the next one, but with him...it wasn't so easy. It still isn't.
I think it was early on in January when I finally had to get in touch with him or I would have gone insane, so I sent him a message asking how he was doing and the conversation flowed from there really. He said he was planning to call me the day after and I was really looking forward to that. He called, we spoke, had a really nice conversation actually and hence he asked me to the cinema. Now naturally after this I was absolutely over the moon to a) have heard from him and b) to have actually made arrangements to see him. It showed me that he was finally starting to feel better and wanted to start getting out there and doing stuff again and seeing people. I was really pleased for him as I had been worried sick about him in the weeks leading up to that. So, we met up and watched a film followed by a drink in the pub.
When we were in the pub afterwards I really think the atmosphere between us could have only been cut with a diamond tipped drill, it was that awkward. Well, it was from my perspective anyway, I wanted to leave. Still, we chatted small chatter, never really getting to the important stuff. Then he said "By the way I do want to talk about you and me, just not tonight." He said that he was going to contact me within the next few days, but when the weekend passed without so much as a text, I think I knew what was coming.
Then I guess that brings me up to when he called me to cut things off completely. He text me earlier in the day to say that he had let this go on far too long already and I knew then exactly what was coming. There was no nice way to do it, he went right on ahead and broke my heart. He told me that it was all a mistake and that he jumped into a relationship with me because he was needy. He told me that he was seduced by the idea that ‘such an attractive girl' was interested in him and he found it a novelty. He said that he absolutely believed it was the right thing to do at the time because we had so much in common and we really got along... so, what the hell changed?
Naturally I have dissected this entire situation and tried to piece it back together, but it just doesn't fit together again. There is something about the whole thing that just makes no sense whatsoever. Honestly when I look back on the way he and I got together, how we met, how we got along, how everything just seemed to fit so well, I really don't believe he jumped in. If either of us did, it was me. I mean, I had just come out of a relationship, but he had been single for a long time... he was ready for this. He didn't trip, fall and land in a relationship. It took weeks of getting to know one another better, figuring each other out and eventually it became something more than a friendship. It was planned, it was thought through and it was good! There were times when he just couldn't wipe the smile off his face. He finally had something that he had been wanting for such a long time... and look what he did.
I honestly cannot quite get my head around what he said to me about not having feelings for me. It sounds almost ludicrous for him to actually believe that. I mean, I didn't expect him to be head over heels in love with me as we had only been together a short time, but the point is that these types of things need time to develop and peoples' feeling need time to grow. It seems that he never even gave us a chance to grow as a couple and his breakdown happened at the most crucial time for any relationship, the ‘honeymoon' period. There had to have been some sort of feelings or attraction there on his part or quite simply, things would not have happened between us. He wouldn't have asked me to be his girlfriend if he didn't genuinely feel that there was something there worth having. Also the fact that he apparently wanted to continue things whilst you were down also suggests that he must have had some form of ‘feelings' there for me.
Thinking back to when we were in the process of getting together and for those few weeks when we actually were a couple, it all seems so bizarre that this has been the eventual outcome. We spoke on the phone everyday, we exchanged a lot of texts and some of the things that he put in your messages really suggest that he thought about me a lot and held me in high regard. He seemed like he wanted to see me whenever he had free time and wasn't doing music stuff, family stuff or seeing other friends. In fact, most of the time he made an effort to include me in as much of that as possible. He wasn't ashamed of me or of showing the world that he was with me. If anything he was proud of it and he wasn't afraid to show it.
I fully understand that his depression isn't his fault and that it's something that he really has no control over and to be honest, since all this happened I have been doing so much reading about how debilitating it can be. Not just scientific reading, but I also went to a lot of forums and read about peoples experiences, mainly focussing my reading on relationships and how people with depression handle relationships and also how other people deal with it too. On the whole, it seems that people who suffer from depression don't seem to do relationships all that well. People talk about losing their ‘love' for a spouse or partner, not being able to feel what they should be feeling for someone. But the worrying thing is that it is not only their depression that causes this but also the medication. It has a numbing effect on the dopamine in the brain, the chemical responsible for sex drive and also many of the feelings associated with romantic love. it seems a little bit strange that he had been feeling this way about me for a couple of weeks, roughly the same amount of time that he had been feeling like ‘himself'?
I suppose what I am trying to convey is that although he may genuinely be feeling (or not feeling, as the case may be) a certain way towards me, I think he has to realise or at least consider the fact that what he is currently feeling could possibly be a result of the depression/ medication? I have spoken to so many people who have been through similar emotional patterns whilst dealing with depression and it seems to all add up to perfectly tangible reasoning. When he initially broke things off between us back in December he said that you had never had to deal with depression whilst in a relationship and he only knew how to get better whilst single. So, how would he even know whether or not these feelings are or aren't a result of his illness? I know that regardless of the reasons, it's still how he feels at the time and I know that he was only being honest with me.
I know that depression causes an insane amount of negativity and negative thinking and it's only natural that he would start thinking negatively toward me as well, but there was absolutely nothing about me to feel negatively about. We enjoyed each others company, we were comfortable around each other and neither of us had any reservations about letting the other person into our lives, we each encouraged that.
To say that it was all a novelty to him was nothing short of cruel. People are not novelties. I asked what had changed and why he didn't think it was recoupable, he answered "because you're too much like me." Quite possibly the lamest reason anyone could give to excuse them from anything.
I recall when we spoke on the phone that he said he wanted to forget all about December and lock it away. It seems as though he managed to lock away a lot more than just December. I can completely understand him wanting to forget the time when he was at his lowest, but what he has to remember through all of this is that I was not the one to blame for what happened to him. I may have been a trigger, but I'm not responsible for his problems. But it seems that I was the person who, in the long run, was the most scarred by what happened. I was never a bad influence in his life, I was something that made him happy. It just seems to me that when he decided that it was best he go through it alone, that he gave up on everything we had started between us and effectively ran away from having to face up to what he had started with me. In asking me to be his girlfriend, he made some sort of commitment to me that he shirked at the first hurdle when things started to get nasty. I had absolutely no choice in what was happening.
I know, from what he has told me, that he hasn't exactly had the best past experiences with girlfriends and women in general. Maybe that's a reason why he was so quick to run as soon as things between us began evolving. I could be absolutely wrong, I know that, but it makes some sense. I know that a lot of things we go through in our lives can have many deep rooted affects on us later in life and cause the mind to think in way that we struggle to fathom. It can't be helped, I understand that
I guess the thought behind all of this is that no matter what people have done to him in the past, be it directly or indirectly, he really has to face it and deal with it head on or he will never truly be happy and be able to have all the things that he really wants. Bad experiences from the past have their own wicked way on catching up with us and dragging us back into that dark place that we would much rather be without. But if we recognise them and make steps to fixing them, rather than perpetuate things by effectively torturing ourselves because we have no self worth, we will never rise above it. We will never feel that we are worthy of certain things in life, always feel as if we don't deserve to be happy. But I realised that I DO deserve to be happy and that nobody is going to stand in the way of that.
I think at the moment he is doing a very good job of burying his head in the sand and pretending that I don't actually exist. In fact I doubt very much that he even feels any genuine remorse for what's happened, because, as I said before, it's all about him and as long as me gets things his way then that's fine!
I think that over the few weeks that we didn't talk to or see each other, he disassociated hi,self from me and from any feelings he may have had for me, not deliberately of course, but effectively nonetheless. He also justified this to himself, snubbing any chance of reconciling anything between us.
I never expected, when he was feeling better, that he would turn round to me and say that he wanted to pick up where we left off and that things would be all lovely. It was always going to be a difficult rebuilding process for us both. It would have been slow and arduous and probably a tad unpredictable at the best of times. But I was willing to do that, I was willing to start from scratch. But the fact that he is so unwilling to even give things a chance, it just astounds me.
This entire situation could have really damaged me, it has to a degree, but it could have been a hell of a lot worse. I suppose that I am stronger than even I gave myself credit for. I've tried my best to turn all the negativity into something positive which will ultimately benefit me. On the whole, I am doing a pretty good job of it. I'm writing a lot, doing some pretty interesting artwork, reading LOADS etc. But then I have these horrible down times when it seems that my thoughts and emotions take hold and grind me down again. I don't know what will change the way I feel about everything and about him, I suppose only time can do that, after all, he has pretty much said everything he could possibly say that should make me hate him. But I don't. As much as I wish I could, I just can't shake it off.
Thank you so much if you have read through all of this. I really feel like I need to start making steps now toward getting some sort of relationship off the ground with him again... but I really don't know how to start the ball rolling.
He is still on medication and last I heard his Doc was changing his meds about 2 or 3 weeks ago. I have never had to deal with a DSO before. Please help! Part of me says to let him go... part of me feels that we are meant for each other and that I should help him.
Please, if anyone has any advice that may help me... I'm ALL ears.
I have read your story and I think you are the most brilliant and strong woman that a man could ask for. You have shown patience and understanding and he would be so very lucky to have you by his side. But you are right, depression and relationships do not go together and it is nearly impossible. It has been a month since my guy cut me out but I have written something very thoughtful, to try to be let back in, even as a friend right now. I know I, and anyone who wants to make the effort to be in a depressed ones life, is very special indeed. I am actually glad my guy refuses to take medicine that makes him not feel feelings for this very reason. I believe this is what happened in your case. It really makes no sense. You seem very patient and unclingy, so it's nothing you've done to set him off. It's heartbreaking. You seem to have a way with words, so think of an email saying how important he was to you in your life and would like to at least be friends. That is all he can handle and then take it from there. Enough time has passed that you have given it genuine thought and the feelings are real. I simply can not move on either. Nothing makes sense and I truly believe he wants me in his life. I just made a horrible mistake of putting pressure on him. It wont hurt giving it a try to get some kind of contact going, his feelings might have changed. Who knows what goes on in their minds from day to day.
Thank you so much for your kind words. It is indeed a heartbreaking situation to find yourself in. You know the person inside is still there, but there is this horrible illness that stops them shining through and stops them being that person that we fell in love with.
I have been strong but I have had unbearable moments of weakness, but I knew that I could not show that to him as that would have just increased the guilt he would have already been feeling (due to his illness) tenfold and would have made things a hell of a lot worse.
When someone is depressed, the become selfish, irrational, illogical and oblivious to what they are doing to the people around them. What we have to try and do is remember that none of it is our fault, nor is it theirs.
That special, beautiful person is still in there somewhere, they just need time to some back. I know that he will not find someone who will be as patient, understanding and supportive as I have been. I believe we were made for each other and that my strength for him is the most important trait I can offer him. Because, let's face it, if he recovers from this, he will most likely have another depressive episode at some point soon which will undoubtedly be more debilitating than this one. He will repeat this pattern over and over again. What upsets me the most is that he may never truly be happy.
At the moment we are making small amounts of contact here and there. He invited me to his gig on Saturday night. I went, with a friend in tow in cae it was too difficult for me. A lot of his friends and family whom I had grown close to were there and it was lovely to see them again. However, he was extremely ambivalent about me being there. He was polite and personable but it was obvious that he finds it extremely difficult to speak to me, probably because he knows he has hurt me beyond words and seeing me most likely reignites feelings of guilt and start to make him feel bad again.
Right now, all I can do is try to be around for him as a friend, friendship is at least the one thing he has a grasp on and can maintain. But it's not going to be easy, I just cannot let him see the pain i'm in.
I came across this thread by accident really, but reading through everyone's posts has been a huge help. It cements in my mind that my perspective on this whole situation is most probably correct, it is comforting beyond words to find some justification for his actions without actually being able to speak to him.
At the moment, he seems better, he is bubbly, cheerful and talkative... with everybody but me! I think he believes that he is better and that his epiphany about everything with me being a mistake was in fact what he TRULY felt as he was no longer depressed, or no longer FELT depressed. Unfortunately the truth is that he will not be able to get a grasp of his true feelings until he is off medication and is, in fact, BETTER. However, no one can guage how long that could take, weeks, months, years... maybe never.
I love him all the same and I'm glad I do, love is as beautiful as it is painful and truly feel that I have grown through this experience... it will just take a little longer before i'm completely at peace and can actually look at this situation and thank him for these lessons learned.
He invited me over 2 days ago to talk.. I went there.. but he is just a blank face with no emotions. I offered help, he didn't want it.he just says he has nothing to offer me right now and don't want to keep on hurting me. I said I had to cut all communication and move on then. He didn't want to and got upset. But I can't take it anymore, waiting for him to call.
Will he stop contacting me now? I have not heard for 2 days. I don't know either way I am so hurt and sad.. If he does call I get sad, if he doesn't I get sad..
I am like you , afraid he will move on with someone else. I am hurt he can still be out drinking with his freinds but not keep up a normal conversation with me..
I love you and the cats, always have and i always will this will never change and you were the only girl that i wanted to be with.. I don't think i can give you the life, love and care that you both deserve & need at the moment, i can't even give it to myself .. I know it's depression and anxiety that's done everything to me and i'm emotionally retarded right now and in a mess.. i know how this has impacted on you in the past and i dont want to keep doing this to you.. i've loved our life together and the love & care that you have given me and i will always treasure these moments.. .at the moment i'm trying to get through day to day.. i sometimes feel suicidal then some days i feel extremely happy but it never lasts.. i'm using Alcohol, cigarettes to get me through and give me some gratification, but again its a short term pleasure...i feel shallow, a failure, ageing rapidly, insecure and
I feel terrible that several of us ladies have been a subject of this. I have gone thru something similar just recently...
I have been really good friends with a guy for years that I decided to pursue. I know he had a long standing crush on me, but I have not been ready for anything serious for a long time, because of previous relationships ending (actually with them all blaming depression). I took a chance with him a couple months ago and he was completely happy that I did and was crazy about me. We had an amazing time. I like to take things slow, but he was the one who constantly wanted to see me and talk to me almost every hour of everyday, and so I went with the flow. Things moved really fast, he wanted me to be his girlfriend almost immediately. I was completely falling head over heels. Due to financial and family circumstances that were not planned, he had to move 3 hours away back home as soon as he graduated college. Told me things would be ok and that we'd talk often and see each other on most weekends. Nothing to stress about, right? As soon as he moved away, he became distant in every aspect. Communication on his end became flaky. Told me he was sorry and that he is having a miserable time at home. He still told me he missed me and wished that I wasn't so far away. I knew he was going through a hard time, because he doesn't like his home town much, has not had a job for a while, so has not been able to afford a car, and his family has been really hard on him for all of this. When I graduated college, I also experienced a degree of post-graduation depression, but he has really been struggling with it. I wanted to be there for him, so I tried to talk with him and offer to come see him since I have reliable transportation. We had planned to see each other one upcoming weekend. Said he might be able to borrow a family/friend's car to come see me, but I also offered to come see him. I hadn't heard from him all day Friday, then outta nowhere he calls late afternoon and says he can't handle being in a distance relationship. Told me I did nothing wrong and he really likes me, but said he is feeling so depressed about his life that he needs space. Told me that if he could have things figured out tomorrow that this conversation wouldn't be happening, but it is going to take time. Said he felt guilty for me being the only one driving to see him all the time. Said that he wants me to be his friend for now. I didn't take the conversation well at all. I was a crying mess. He was really upset too, kept telling me sorry for hurting me and that he really cares about me but he's stressors are making him miserable. How the heck can I be there for him like I want to be? He's so far way and so unhappy. I heard through a few mutual friends that he's been very distant from them too. I also know through other mutual friends that he parties and drinks a lot many nights. Knowing him, I know that when he drinks excessively, he does it as a way to cope. I just want to help him, but I can't actively do that. I have to give him his space, and that is the only way I feel that I can help him right now. I really felt that him and I had a special connection that nothing could break it, and that I ruined a friendship for pursuing him. It has been a week and I've not heard from him. I want to be strong and move on. What he needs right now is a friend that will give him space, but it feels like i've been wrongfully degraded... :(
I felt that many times that i have done wrongly and pushed him away little by little. It's just normal. We are too scared to lose them. I know how hard it is can be when u hear nothing from him. My guy went travelling. It's his way to cure himself and try to heal. I saw him before he went to the journey. Just 20 days, he asked me not to throw everything away but then, some days, i felt that he didn't get better. it's just so hard... I am also trying to guve him the space now. Hope the travelling can help him a little.I don't know what else to do.
Hope you guys are doing fine and good luck to everyone here.
Ok, I feel like I don't even need to explain my situation. It is the same as everybody elses. AND THANK YOU ALL for helping me grieve. Reading everybody's stories helps me get through the day and the lonely nights. I know people don't write on this site much when they are happy, so I'm just curious, are there ANY HAPPY ENDINGS HERE???
You guys, this site is great - yes it hurts to read what everyone is going through, but it's great to know I'm not alone in this. As I type, I'm sitting in a friend's house - where I've been living for the last week - as my boyfriend of 3 years has told me to get out of his life; that he will be very happy when I'm gone.
I am definitely in the shock stage - my life, my home and my future were all with him, and I just can't process the idea that I'm living out of a suitcase at the age of nearly 34.
My boyfriend, Paul, knows he is depressed and has admitted it to me, but blames the depression entirely on me. Despite counselling - which helped me to stop trying to "communicate the problems" with him, and realise there was nothing I could do other than be there for him - he refuses to do anything about the depression.
The interesting thing is that he knew he was at risk when he quit his hated job a year ago. He clearly discussed the risk with me, telling me he had been depressed twice before in his life, both times when he was out of work. He even discussed how badly he had treated an ex girlfriend during one of these episodes, ignoring her or snapping at her and eventually forcing her away.
He quit his job a year ago, saying he needed time to sort himself out. He knew that he was at risk of depression, and together we evolved a strategy in case it happened: he would stick to a clear routine, keep himself busy etc.
For 2 months, he kept up the routine - and then it started falling apart. He became moody and withdrawn, often ignoring me totally for a week at a time or getting really angry at me. Living in the same house, I found it hard to deal with someone who would refuse to talk to me or even answer a simple question. By this time, therapy had helped me understand how to handle things: I would tell him I loved him or I was there for him maybe twice a day in passing, and leave him to it. After a week of the silent treatment, he appeared one day and hugged me, saying: "No more distances from me, I promise." I cried in relief, and immediately forgave him. I had - and still have - faith in him, and have told him so.
Over the last year, the break ups have got worse and worse; his words become more hurtful, his reactions more cruel and his reasons for ending it more pointless: this last break up was caused when I leaned away from him in the lift. The following day he was ignoring me again, and eventually screamed at me that he was sick of my bullshit. I had no idea what he was talking about, as everything had seemed fine the night before.
This is absolutely typical of his reactions: it took several sessions alone with a therapist for me to understand that it wasn't my fault. He had spent the last year blaming everything at fault on me, and I had been convinced he was right. I was walking on eggshells and highly stressed.
When we attended therapy together, the therapist was very clear with him that he was constantly putting me in Catch 22 situations. Sadly, he became more and more reluctant to attend therapy - I don't think it was doing him any good; he couldn't access anything that was discussed - to the point of blowing up during a session one day and saying he wasn't willing to try anymore, it was over.
In a daze, I left, eventually returning home as I had nowhere else to go.
I took the following day off work and drove and cried all day, visiting friends who listened and cared. In the evening, I received a text asking me if I was ok. I replied that I was fine. I went home to find him - as usual - slumped in front of the television. I sat down and calmly apologised for expecting a fairytale relationship (although my relationship had been more like a nightmare for the past year) and also for asking him to attend therapy. I said that I understood how therpay made him focus on the problems rather than just enjoying our life together. He seemed thrilled, and we decided to take things one day at a time.
The week later was the day I "leaned away from him in the lift".
Two days after "the lift incident" - during which time he totally ignored me - I mentioned I was off to the beach and asked if he would like to come. He began to rant and rave at me. I listened quietly, and when he seemed done I said: "Paul, would you like me out of your life, yes or no?"
He couldn't give a straight answer, just screamed incoherently about his lack of feelings for me. (This is a man who less than a week previously had called me the love of his life, saying he couldn't survive without me.)
I went to the beach, and survived another two days of the silent treatment.
At that point, I couldn't take it any longer, and approached him one evening while he was - you guessed it - slumped in front of the television.
I quietly explained that I understood he had no feelings for me, and I wanted nothing more from him than a hug. He acquiesced, but was cold and unloving.
I asked him again if he was depressed, and he responded "yes" immediately. Then he began to shout angrily at me, explaining that the reason for his depression was me: I was constantly negative, always wanted to discuss the issues, was always at home and had no social life - all things I had been very careful not to do since therapy, and yet all things that I strongly saw in him. Then he started to say I deserved much better than him, that he loved me very much and had deep feelings for me, but it just wasn't working. In the end he ignored me.
I couldn't sleep at all that night.
The next day I began to look for a place of my own, and found somewhere almost immediately. I began to move things out. He had disappeared totally from our home - I have no idea where.
Three days later the flat fell through, and so here I am, typing from a friend's house, too scared to go home and face more of the same, and yet longing to be with him.
I accepted a long time ago that there was nothing I could do to help other than be there for him. But it seems even that was not enough. No matter how much I got on with my own life, remained positive, attempted to instigate fun things to do, accepted his irrationalities with aplomb - nothing helped.
Each time he dumped me, he ran away. Each time I went back with reasons for what I had done to cause the break up. Each time he got a reaction, he accepted me back and things were wonderful for a while: he was amazing to be with (like when we met), appreciative, affectionate and understanding. Then, one day, he would flip.
In his moments of lucidity, he admitted his behaviour was irrational and childish, he realised he was hurting me but that he couldn't stop. I remained calm and loving, holding on, I guess, in the hope that he would find employment and things would change.
Despite admitting to depression, he cannot see how that has been the cause of the downfall of our relationship. I don't think he ever will, though I live in hope.
I admit that I am a much stronger person than I was through dealing with his depression. And I admit that if he said he would change and seek help, I would go back.
The hope is killing me.
Thanks for listening - it's extremely cathartic to get this out. I will keep you all posted. The most helpful thing I found on this page was the email someone had received from their boyfriend, explaining what he was going through. It sounds excatly like Paul. Girls, we may live all over the world, but we're not alone in this. Be strong :)
I have been through what you have been through. Same, exactly the same.
I too am living in my own flat now. You can read my story posted a bit further up. I too got blamed for everything. I waited 6 weeks, and his breakdown finally came when he called me in tears wanting me back. I only took him back if he acepted therapy. He did. This is now 5 moths ago and I we have been talking about moving in and getting engaged again as everything seemed so wonderful and his depression was gone. He was the man i fell in love with again. I was reluctant to do anything but wait and give it more time. But basically lived at his place, but kept my apartment just in case.
2 Weeks ago I found out he have been cheating on me while going out of the country visting his family. So i took my stuff and i left.... again... He wrote me a letter saying he wants me back... I want to forgive but how can I, when i feel his actions and words does not match.
Anyway that is my update. There is hope for depression but not for assholes. Feel free to write me at any time.
all the love to all out there going through difficult times!
Hey Anna, it's so great to know that there are other people going through this too! Sounds like you're doing so well, coping and feeling good about yourself :) It's been about 3 weeks, and I get the odd text - always about stuff I've left there, which I told him clearly to chuck away! - but haven't replied to anything. I'm changing my phone number and he has no idea where I live, which actually feels pretty great.
But here's the amazing thing: suddenly I can BREATHE again! I had NO IDEA what hell I was living in until I got out; I really thought everything was fine. But it wasn't, it really wasn't. I wake up every morning feeling happy! The constant health worries I had - and which my doctors all attributed to stress - have disappeared; I love my job again, it no longer takes an insurmountable effort to get to work in the morning; I've reconnected with my family and friends and realised how much they love me; and I'm going out and having a fantastic time. I had absolutely no idea how bad he was for me - I really can't believe the change in myself. It's amazing to wake up in the morning and not be constantly afraid of how he's going to take it out on me today. I was so deeply caught in his sick cycle of anger that I just couldn't see how much it was killing me. As a naturally positive person I do tend to remember the good things we had in the beginning, and that does happen a lot, but then I remind myself of how amazing I feel now compared to 6 weeks ago!
Part of me hopes he will realise how badly he's treated me and acknowledge it. But most of me says: leave me alone, I'm alive again!
Life has stopped being grey and I can see the sky :)
Let me know what happens with you, loads of love and strength!
Thank you! That was the most encouraging thing I read so far! I too want to feel happy again when I wake up in the morning. I cant beleive after such a short time you feel so great already. How uplifting that is to hear. I am seing him after work today to "talk", and I hope that I can find my inner stregnth to get out of this for good. I know he will keep on hurting me if i stay, but it hurts cuase i love him so deeply.
Wow, it's so great to hear back so soon :) You sound like you're pretty strong already, you're certainly not in denial about how badly you have been treated, adn you know your own mind, good for you :)
I think the reason it's not taking me longer to get over this is because I did a lot of mourning the relationship while I was actually in it. If someone throws you out of your house 6 times, no matter how much denial you're in, you start to grieve for the way things were. So I think I've been grieving this relationship for the last year, while I was in it.
The other thing that helped me was the therapist asked me to write down how I felt while I was with my ex. Whenever I get too positive (!) and start remembering the good times when we first met, I go back and skim what I wrote in the last 6 months - it's heartbreaking to read, but it really helps me to remember how cruelly I was being treated.
Myabe try writing down the stuff that hurt you or that you're feeling? When you read it back, it might give you that extra bit of strength to do what's right for you - whatever that may be :)
I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you this evening. Good luck, loads of love and be strong xxx
I find this site extremely helpful yet also painful because I realize what I am in for if this works. Basically my now ex boyfriend has had depression for a long time and told me about it when we were together. It doesn't really effect anything in the day to day but something he gets depression episodes where he asks for space. This has happened twice now and I haven't gotten a grasp on it until now but I fear it is too late. I got extremely nervous we talked shortly and decided our communication of 2 texts a day wasn't really classifying a relationship so we broke up. I do not feel like this relationship should be over and I don't think he does either it just sounds like depression talking. We rarely have fights and have an honestly great relationship. Like many of the women on here I trust what he says and do not believe he was using the space and break in order to get out of the relationship. His previous episodes have lasted 1-2 weeks and I was able to win him back with reminders of my love for him and e-mails about how I want to be with him. Well this time I think it was too much...we haven't spoken for almost 2 days (I know it's not really a lot) after deciding that it was a break up. I sent him an e-mail just stating that I love him and don't want to break up and can handle going through these things with him. I don't think it's as severe as some of the other depression cases I've read about. Any advice would be so appreciated I feel like no one understands what I'm going through. I desperately want to be together with him or know that he still believes in us. This is someone I truly believe I could marry. I want to know how to suggest that he gets help without infuriating him. I am going to try to give him more space like he requested before trying to contact him again...after a point I guess it will be useless but I feel like he is just cutting contact with everyone that cares about him. Thank you for any help you could provide.
Just an update...and asking for any guidance!
He is seeing his friends and trying to reconnect with people from his past...This makes me think that is not just depression becasue why would he just be pushing me away? His attitude change was overnight with me. He refused to answer my e-mails/texts and finally did and said he couldn't be my boyfriend right now and he just knows that he needs this and that I am not giving him space... I spoke to another friend who was actually the depressed person in a relationship and he said to just not talk to him and that if he doesn't contact me in a month then it probably was not depression. My ex has been so mean to me I can't believe the same person who said such loving things to me could now not even have teh decency to have a final conversation with me. His response was the closure I needed for now, I put myself out there and we will see what happens. This is very difficult to deal with but thank you for everyone's stories here because they have made me feel better!
My situation is/was similar. My boyfriend went from point A to point Z (I would say A to B, but A to Z is more accurate ;) ) and I don't even quite know what happened. We went from talking about me moving to be with him, to him having all sorts of family and work problems (which I believe led to the depression), and then "POOF!" -he's gone, without anymore than a four line email as an explanation.
Just let him be. Even if it's not technically depression, it sounds like he's going through something.... if you push him, it's going to make him withdraw further. Give him space and try to distract yourself in the meantime while you wait. It could take him more than a month to sort his head out.....there's really no time limits for things like this - everyone is different and handles their problems differently.
Just a side note about guys and withdrawal. My mom and dad (who have been married for 40 years) dated for 5 years before they got married. But, my mom and to give my dad an ultimatum - either they get married or she would nee to find someone else. My dad went away and didn't contact my mom for 6 weeks while he tried to figure out what he wanted. And he didn't have depression - he was just working out a serious problem. Anyways, my point is that a lot of "healthy" men tend to withdraw when they have problems - and I think that the withdrawal just gets that much worse when they have depression.
hey cat, would like to say a big thankyou to you, and wrecked and john, for making me feel not so isolated in this tangle.
i have been with my boyfriend for 6 years, and we never argue, and he is most definitely who i am meant to be with. i had been with lots of nice people before, but this is totally different, and sounds corny, but our souls are entwined and i have no choice but to be in love with him and try and see him through this.
now i think about it properly, i believe his depression has been coming on for at least a couple of years, since his dad died, and i found out he was sporadically sleeping with one of his casual friends. i think the confusion of how upset he was when his dad died, despite the fact he felt he wasn't as close to him as he was his mum, and the guilt that he had upset me with the sort of affair gradually dragged him down.
in the last few months he has become more grumpy, antisocial, and more critical of everything around him, myself especially. i know from talking to mutual friends that he loves me completely, (although he says he can feel nothing for anything at the moment,) and that we are meant to be together.
it is bloody tough though.
in the last month i have seen him twice, and both times he was very non-communicative.
i send him the odd text now and then, but not too much. i hope that maybe he will miss me, and it will spur him into action to go and seek help, although when i have broached the subject gently he was not at all keen. years before i met him he had a breakdown and was in a mental hospital for a few weeks, but when i met him he was totally happy and sorted.
his mum says this is always what he does when things are wrong with him - he currently has a very bad back and is in a lot of pain and is awaiting surgery.
i try to look after my head and be happy and go out and have fun with my friends, but it is difficult as i am always missing him. especially hard as my best friend has just moved away.
it's hard to think whether you're getting the balance right, you want them to know you're still there and thinking of them, but don't want to be an extra burden to them, too many texts and they feel overwhelmed and guilty for not being a better boyfriend; too many or none at all and they feel neglected which perpetuates their depressed view of no-one cares which also makes it worse.
really helps getting this all out, even if no-one reads it!
have felt very highly strung over last few weeks, not able to eat or sleep properly, have to take care coz i also prone to mini bouts of depression, but haven't properly fallen into my pit of despair for a good few years. the responsibility of being a mum helps me to stop myself, as does being able to let off steam and party at the weekends with mates.
just have to keep on believing in yourself, and himself.
if you do, then there's nothing else you can do!
big hugs to you all! lizx
I have never been on forums like this before, but I stumbled across this site because the man who I am in love with is suffering from severe depression. He and I have been together close to a year, we met at a concert one night in New York and from the instant he and I met we hit it off. We were inseparable, i was falling in love for the first time and i know he was feeling the same way. Our chemistry was crazy and we were happy. I am 24 and was a virgin when I met him and that did not effect our relationship at all he didnt run from me because I wasnt going to put out and he didnt ever pressure me to have sex. There were even times when we came close and he said "as much as I want to have sex with you, we dont have to do this right now, bc i want you to be ready" Needless to say after several several months I knew he was the one and we finally did do it, and it couldnt have been more amazing. After some time he lost his job and spirled down in a severe depression. He couldnt get out of bed, hated himself and did not want anything to do with anyone. He was just down and his interest in me wasnt what it used to be. I of course took things personally despite him reassuring me that its not me that is making him feel this way. He has told me that he doesnt know who he is anymore, he feels inadequate, sad all the time, he said he feels like he is bringing me down and he is a burden to me, he said I was going up in the world and felt like an "anchor" pulling me down. I told him how much i care and im here with him because i want to be, I genuinely care deeply and it goes beyond our romantic relationship, i truly care about his well being. I sometimes wish I was the one going through this pain of depression so he didnt have to because he has had such a hard life. He feels like everything is his fault, whatever he touches gets ruined and he cant accept anything good in his life (like a woman who loves him and is good to him) because he will just loose it.
About 2 weeks ago we had a very long and emotional talk about our relationship, and he told me that he feels like a stranger in his own body and he knows he needs to get help bc he doesnt want to feel this way anymore. He appoligized to me and said I care about you but I need to do this right now and get better, I need alone time and space to figure out why my mind is this way. He told me that he understands if i need to move on bc he can not give me what I want right now, he explained that he cant ask me to wait for him bc that is selfish and he doesnt want me to hurt, but he said that when and if he ever gets better he hopes Im still here. He told me that he made an appointment that week for intensive therapy and that lasts for close to a month.(he used a facility I suggested and called the number I provided)
It has been a couple weeks and I still havent heard from him. I am devastated, every day I cry bc I miss him so much and hope he is doing better. I know he wouldnt lie to me about going to therapy but I dont know for sure if he is going bc I havent spoken with him.
I am scared he will forget about me, even when he is better im scared he will forget his feelings for me or not feel them anymore. Im scared he will move on with out me, Im scared that he just didnt like me anymore and this is his way of breaking it off. I dont know what to think and I dont know what to do.
Im staying busy and deep down I believe that things will work out (knock on wood) but I am not a psychic and cant predict the future.
Any advice on what im going through bc i truly need it...is there hope for he and I?
I've been reading a lotabout depresion and men. I've also been reading a lot about how men generally deal with their problems. I am also going through my own situation with a depressed boyfriend, which I have not discussed here. Based on what I've read, and my own experience, I believe that your boyfriend's reaction is typical for a man dealing with depression and work related problems. In general, men like to figure out problems on their own. And when they are depressed, they really shut people out - particularly the people that are closet to them. Just give him some time. It really does sound like he just has some issues that he needs/wants to work through on his own. I know it's tough - not knowing what's going on - if he's really going through therapy, etc. Just give in some time....maybe in 4 more weeks (yes, that will be 6 weeks, and I know it's painful for you... maybe then just send him a brief email to say that you understand he's working out things on his own, but you're here if he needs you. Otherwise, just give him his space. Unlike most women, most men seen to need their space with dealing with problems. Don't take it personally. Hang in there a bit longer....
Thank you for your response. I appreciate you taking the time out to write that and give me advice. You mentioned that you are going through a similar situation and I hope that it works out well for you! This of course is difficult and I wish that he and I did not have to go through this but there are issues in every relationship I suppose. I have been keeping myself busy by doing things that I enjoy and working a lot on myself. Of course I miss him and think about him constantly (and yes I will have my moments when I cry) but I hold on to the faith that I have in him and the relationship that we have and that is what keeps me going. I have some friends who have suffered with depression (some who suffered alone and some who were in a relationship when they had their depression) they have all told me the same thing just to give him time and space and respect the fact that he needs to do this on his own right now to feel a sense of empowerment and in time (usually within a few months) he will come back to the relationship and be able to be the man he wants to be and you want him to be which will make the relationship so much more amazing. (Also when they are depressed and sometimes say or act in a way that is not very kind or sounds defeating remind yourself that it is not them it is the depression and do not get discouraged.)The more space and respect you give him the sooner the recovery. Patience is a virtue and the very few people who can actually be truly patient with their partner are the ones who will be more likely to get what they want and deserve from the person they love...you have to give a little to get a lot, and always keep your faith because without faith there is no point in anything.
I am now just starting to go through this process...of giving my ex the time to get through this to get better... he said he needs time and space, and not to contact him.. its been really tough. I already failed a few times of calling him. How do I deal with this situation, and how do i get through it, most importantly how do i get him better and back with me??
How long does one hang in there for? that is what I am struggling with at the moment.
My boyfriend of 2/3 years has completely shut down on me. This is the third summer this has happened accept this time it seems worse. The first year, 2010 we had only been together a few months and when June arrived he became depressed and withdrew. He explained to me by e mail how he gets like this and after a couple of months he was ok again. We starting seeing each other again in September and apart from the odd few days here and there, and Christmas where he shut himself away, we were ok. Then May 2011 he starting to withdraw again and I didn't see him for weeks and weeks. He still contacted me here and there by e mail but that was it. In the August we passed each other in our cars, he text me to say hello and that he had pulled the car over to talk but I had disappeared. We starting texting each other daily, he was his old self, we had lots of banter like we used to. So we agreed to meet up in October. He asked me to stay at his place for the weekend. We met up and it was wonderful. He told me how much he loved me and missed me and how he now realised just how much I meant to him. He mentioned that I was always there for him. In fact we talked for the first time in depth about his issues. He apologised and said that all that was behind him now and that he was going no where. So we have had a lovely year, lots of loving and caring. He tells me how much I mean to him and I believe him. He was working hard in his career to build a future for us. And it was us, not just him he said, for us. We planned holidays, where we might like to live, everything, we just wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. Grow old together he said. We are no spring chickens; we are both in our early 50's.
So July came this year and I felt him becoming a bit odd again, going off for a couple of days here and there but when he did get in touch he apologised if it seemed like he was pushing me away, it was just his work. He was very aware of when he was leaving me out. He booked us a short holiday beginning of August with my 2 teenage kids. The week before we went I never heard from him at all and I thought, here we go, I'll be going alone. He rang me the day before we were due to go and he was ok. He told me that he had been depressed that week and that he had managed to snap himself out of it. Well the holiday was a disaster. From day one he kept losing his temper with my kids, not something he has ever done before. He kept threatening to go home. It’s like he was panicking to get away using any little thing as an excuse. I and he never argued once but he really had it in for my kids. Eventually he lost his temper with them and was really nasty to them, shouting and swearing over not very much at all. We decided to go home a day early. He couldn't get packed quick enough. Me and him were still fine, we didn't fall out once over it. The journey home was ok, we were fine together. When we arrived home, we unpacked the car and he just grabbed his bags, said he couldn't be in the same house with my kids a minute longer and went home. He said he would ring me the next day but he never. That was 8 weeks ago. I rang him, text him and went to his house but he never replied to anything. He wouldn't open the door. He shut out his best friend too but as he has to work with him sometimes, he had to contact him once or twice. I send him an e mail or FB message once every few days or so to tell him that I understand and that I love him and I'm here for him when he's ready. I lost my mum 2 weeks ago, he has always supported me through it but he only managed to send me a text to say he was sorry and that he wasn't in a good place right now. He left flowers and a card at the crematorium.
This time seems worse to me. He does usually make some contact but when he does, the problem never gets mentioned he will almost change the subject. I really don't know how to cope with this at the moment. I want to, I am a strong person and he knows that. But I get mixed feelings. Does he really love me; did he just think he did? Does he want me to be here for him or would he rather i just go because he believes he is no good for me. He has had a very troubled past involving being hurt by and ex who took his child away from him and has made the last 15 years impossible for him to have contact. This seems to be the root of the depression. He told me that he has been hurt 3 or 4 times in the past, most likely because the women couldn't take this behaviour. He is struggling with earning a living at the moment because of health issues but he really works hard to build his career. I want to be here for him. I love him very much and when things are ok its wonderful.
Do you think he believes I am going to stick by him? I will, for as long as it takes but how can I prove that to him if he won't talk to me or see me? Is he trying to forget me? He has not once said that he wants to end anything so I am trying to take that as a positive. It’s almost like he has just forgotten everything, we had so much fun together and I know he was really happy with me. Maybe he thought that being with me had put an end to his depression and when he realized it hadn’t he withdrew into it again?
Any thoughts or advice would be very much appreciated.
I'm so glad I found you guys! I'm going through the same thing...I will write about my experience tonight (I have to go to work). But my big question this morning: what is the follow-up to everyone's stories? It has been a couple months since some of these posts, and I would love to know how everyone is getting by, if the boyfriends have come around at all, etc.
Again, I will relay my story tonight...the break-up just happened last week, and my bf ( or ex-bf - we are technically on a "break") is seeking help.
Hi! I truly hope things work out for you and your boyfriend. It is good that he is getting help. And with you supporting him, hopefully he will realize how lucky he is to have you in his life.
It has been almost 5 months since we broke up, and unfortunately there is no happy ending for me. About 2 weeks after the relationship ended, I went to see a counsellor and she told me I was still in teh "shock" phase and trying to understand everything that happened. She told me that she can't really diagnose him since she would need to speak wth him, but that it did sound like he was dealing with a clinical depression due to how long it had lasted, etc.
Well, a few weeks after we broke up I called him. The night we broke up he said nothing that made sense to me, no reason, and he didn't really seem like he wanted things to end. I respected his wishes and stayed away. He was dealing with recovery from surgery too, at the same time. Anyway, he was very mean and rude to me when we spoke. About a week after that, I found out he was taking a flight to be with some other woman for Christmas....it was absolutely devesating news. He wrote me when he got back and gave me more lies and told me that I deserve better. Since that time, I wrote him an email to tell him the damage his lies and treatment of me had done, and now he's pretty much moved on to this other woman, as if I never existed. He seems to have snapped out of his depression almost instantly after we broke up, created a whole new life for himself, new goals, etc. It's almsot as if I was the problem in the relationship and he felt I was holding him back, even though I would have supported him through any ventures he wanted to do in his life. He probably cheated on me, I did see evidence of that as well.
The point is, he is the one with issues and it was easier for him to move on then to keep me in his life becuase he was NOT ready to face those issues. It's easier to move on to someone who doen't know all teh thing that I knew about him.
It still hurts, but my mission in life is to be happy. And this man obviously does not want me in his life. Some people have told me that maybe his "depression" was not a "depression" at all but a severe way of trying to figure out what he wanted and to get out of the relatinship. I highly doubt this as the things he was doing were very much unrelated to me. He would cry all the time, had suicidal thoughts, etc. I know one cannot snap out of this, but it appears that disposing of me from his life has certainly done the trick!
At this point in my life, age 33, as much as i care about someone, I have to let them go if they don't watn to be with me. I want to be happy, not sad and not wanting something that will never be. I'm slowly coming back to life, focusing on things that are imporant to me... like friends, eating heatlhy, exercising, etc. I know there is someone else out there for me that will treat me the way I should be treated. I hate to admit this, but I feel very bitter towards this man still...after 5 months... but it's because of his lies and the way he just got rid of me and hooked up with someone else. I truly believe he will not be able to ignore his actions forever. Sooner or later this will catch up with him.
I am overwhelmed by the number of people that have responded to my original post since November. It really helps to know I am not alone, and I hope my comments don't make anyone feel bad. I want EVERYONE to be happy, whatever that means for them. For me, it means i have to let this man go from my life and focus on ME.
You are all truly amazing, kind, caring people who have so much love to give! Don't ever give up on what you believe is right for you.
Cat, I hope you are recovering ok from this break up. We've all been there. You did the right thing. You deserve better. Dont look back. Short pain is better than long time suffering. I did exactly the same thing and move on with my life. I had struggled for a while and stuck around and see if he would realize how valuable I am. You know what? He did contact me after I cut him out for 3+ months. But dont take it as hope. Every case is different. I know his coming back is temporary and I can't deal with that for the rest of my life. He is so unstable. i find myself hard to forget what he did to me so I can't get back together with him. No matter he is depressed or not, everybody is equal in a relationship. You can't use depression as an excuse to hurt other people's feelings. There are better guys out there why would we want to put ourselves through the rollar coaster emotions. I did the right thing. I moved on and am happy with my new boyfriend. He is optimistic and cheering. Life is short, we can't put our life on hold for somebody who didnt appreciate what we did for them. If he indeed loves you he wont do this to you no matter he is depressed or not. My guy has depression since he was 10 how come he didnt do that to me in the first three months of the relationship. Things surfaced afterwards. So everything happens for a reason. It is not all about depression. let's think straight and move on with our life. Good luck! and a sweet hug! Everything is going to be all right! My best wishes are always with you.
Hello everyone, first of...this is not only seen my girls! I'm a guy and my story is very similar to most of these here. Cutting through the chase...I am curious...of those reading these and who have had these experiences...what have you done to make you feel better? Has anyone had a mentally/emotionally unbalanced partner who got help and got better??? If so, what helped him/her most??
My "depressed/bipolarish" ex just broke u wuth me again...for the hmmm 110th time...at least it seems like that.. we had a strong relationship for 2.5 yrs, then 3.5 yrs ago when it first ended it has been a rollercoaster, non stop of emotions, drama, hi's and low's. As many of you I am Exhausted!
My ex will end or push things for me to end ...then will run out and find the first guy to have sex with, or party with... the he even says that I'm the one who needs help!Even though he said many times he's cased the rollercoaster, that he feels like he is dead inside, that he has checked out etc etc
Well, this is what has helped me....( mind you that I am one to drive around his house to check up and spy on him), this time around..maybe because I am too tired...when I get antsy, I start telling myself: it's gonna be OK, it;s gonna be ok, it's gona be OK...I will say it for several minutes until my mind gets busy with something..either a show on TV or a phone call from someone or something..everytime i think of him..I will immediate start "chanting" in my head..it's gonna be ok...it's gonna be ok... and you know what?????? IT HAS HELPED TREMENDOUSLY!!!!!!!!! I"M REALLY IMPRESSED!!! I had got into depression myself due to this...I have been so stuck in all senses...and now this time it just feels so much better! And I'm feeling calmer, more focus, enjoying my self a bit more, feeling ok about being home alone....
SO TO ALL OF YOU OUT THERE WHO ARE FEELING BAD ....start thinking : IT's GONNA BE OK! or beter yet...I am GONNA BE OK! I AM GONNA BE OK!
Afterall...you need to be OK before you can help anyone else!
Imagine this...it's my bday today and my ex just broke up with me 3 days ago..and I am feeling that IT's GONNA BE OK!!!!! :)
YOu are absolutely right! It IS going to be okay. It's the only thing that I choose to believe, because believing otherwise just gets me down. I hope you are still feeling postive and keeping your head up!
Hey everyone,I stumbled across this site out of desperation in hopes of some answers, I've read a lot of your entries and I can relate. Here's my story: My boyfriend of almost 9 months broke up with me almost 2 weeks ago, He's almost 21 and I'm 20. During our relationship he has hinted that he doesn't want to get married or have kids and I have never once tried to push him into that ideal. His parents divorced when he was very young and I think that skewed his outlook on commitment completely.He came over to my house and I knew right off the bat something was wrong, he wouldn't look at me. He sat down and said the words I have always dreaded, "I don't think we're right for eachother." Needless to say I absolutely lost it, I was completely blindsided. I started going into panic mode, I started crying and hyperventilating, I even threw up because I was so upset. Three days prior he told me how much he loved me and that he would never break my heart. This came out of nowhere and completely shocked me. He kept saying things like "I can't love you the way you love me, I can't give you what you need" and "I'm immature and I don't even know what I want" and "you'll just remember me as a bad dream and move on with someone else". Meanwhile while he was saying all of this he was crying and not looking at me (my boyfriend is not the emotional type at all!). Then he left, I didn't want him to leave and I made the mistake of trying to keep him there.I called him 2 hours later and he seemed genuinely concerned of my well being, he even tried to ask my best friend to check and make sure I was okay. We said goodbye and later I sent him a text basically saying "I wanted to tell you I love you even though I shouldn't. I'll give you all the space and time you need. Just don't cut me from your life completely". The next day he texted me and asked how I was, I gave an honest answer that I wasn't very well and I asked if I could call him, He called me right after but didn't say much at all and I explained that I just didn't want this to be the end of us. The next day he messaged me on Facebook telling me he lost his phone in case I tried to call. I responded but didn't attempt to pine after him.About 3 days passed without trying to initiate contact with him. Finally last Saturday he messaged me on Facebook chat. He asked how I was and I said "really good" (even though I was a wreck). He seemed very depressed, after some small talk he said "I'm just going to say it. I miss you" I told him I missed him also. He seemed to perk up with this response, he also basically apologized for how he was treating me. At the end of the conversation he said "Can I call you tomorrow?" and I said of course. The next day however I got no call, I was crushed by this.On Monday I couldn't take it and I messaged him. He kept going on about how much weight he gained, I tried to reassure him that he wasn't fat and this seemed to make him feel better. Then yesterday he had a status update on Facebook saying "losing hope", and then a couple hours later he changed his relationship status from "in a relationship" to nothing, basically cutting all ties to me. I was absolutely devastated, here I thought things were going well and then the rug was pulled right out from under me. I couldn't take it anymore and messaged him again. I kept my cool though, I didn't bring up the fact that he changed his status. I asked how he was and he said "pretty okay", then he told me "I haven't left my closet in three days other than to go to work, I don't know what to do with myself, I don't know why I'm telling you this." I asked him if he was really okay like he said he was and he said "not even close, but it's okay because in a month I can drink it all away". I told him he really shouldn't be saying things like that. I also asked him if he wanted to talk about things later on and he said "I just don't know what I want right now. I'm sorry, this isn't fair to you". I told him that it was okay because I respect him and care, Then I said I had to go and left.I am so very upset, It's hard to eat and go to work. Every day is a struggle to keep it together, I just want him back in the worst way possible. I've looked at books online to try to devise a plan to get him back. All the books I've read says to avoid contact completely and act perfectly happy, while most everyone I talk to says I should try to be there for him and not ignore him. I know he's suffering and he's not happy, I want to be there for him as much as possible but at the same time I don't want to push him away. I haven't displayed any anger or depressed behavior since he initially broke up with me and I think he's wondering why I'm hardly trying to contact him. He's giving me major mixed signals and it's killing me.I'm sorry if this is so long winded, I just really need some advice and I figure you guys would know it best since you've been through, or are currently going through pretty much the exact same thing. Thank you in advance!
I just found this site. My situation is a little bit different than some here. I actually initiated the break up with my boyfriend of a year. He had been distant lately and I felt neglected and I got upset and said things that I didn't mean (one of them being that it was over) Then, he let me go. He said I was right, and that he didn't deserve me and that he couldn't help the way he treated me sometimes and that he felt guilty about it sometimes. And for 2 days, he came over and everything was normal. Then i felt bad about overreacting, I felt like I was impatient with him when I knew he had a problem and I begged him to come back to me. I told him what I said was a mistake and that I was sorry. But he wouldn't let me. He told me i deserved better and he hated how he treated me and he couldn't love me like I loved him, and he wasn't sure why that was ok with me. He said he knew he would regret it but that he felt it was the right thing to do.
We are still talking, not as much, but often. We went out the other night, we come back home together. And I feel hopeless. Because I pushed him too hard, and I didn't help him with his depression, I didn't make him get help, and then I got mad about actions he couldn't control and now its over. I don't know what to do. He promised me yesterday he would get help, he would talk to someone. but I feel like everything is over now. I don't know how to fix this, and I feel so helpless, like it was all my fault. He had a problem he couldn't control, but I knew about it, and tried to be sensitive about it, but I just wasn't strong enough. I just don't know what to do now.
Hi I have been amazed to see all these stories which so reflect my situation. It is comforting but also scary :( Here's my story and apologies if it gets too long.
My ex bf chased me for months, professed his love and moved cities to be with me. I fell in love with the simple and patient man. We shared an interest in sports and would speak for hours about anything and everything. We built a life for us - sharing the chores round the house and we were almost like a married couple. I obviously did all the normal things like cooking and cleaning and laundry and ironing and I also did all his job applications. That's how he got his job when he moved here. We were together for 1 and a half years and were living together for 6/7 months. He's 28 and I am 31. We did a lot of things together and always had a great time!
On our first anniversary he sent me a gorgeous bunch of roses at work and wrote on the card - 'This has been the best year of my life babe. Looking forward to heaps more!'. We were really happy together - of course we had our fare share of fights and there were times that I was a bit harsh on him for his lack of drive and laziness.
We did have a lot of external pressures on the young relationship - we both had moved to this new city. Both of us were from the same city prior to that. Both had job pressures - him more than me. We had flatmate issues with weird people causing unpleasantness at home. He was always short of cash and while he always paid up it did put pressure on him cos his job wasn't that well paying and he was eating into his savings. Besides he did spend a fare bit on alcohol as well. And because of his drinking he would annoy me - there were nights I would wait and wait and wait for him and he would come home at some unearthly hour. Me and my flatmate had to hide our alcohol cos he would get a carton of his own - finish it and then finish ours! He couldn't stop at one and that took a toll on our sex life as well. I knew he had low self esteem from before and alcohol was a way to feel better.
Anyway it all went pear-shaped when he got fired from his job for repeatedly drinking and not turning upto work. When he told me got fired his face screamed that he felt he had disappointed me. I supported him through that phase and even managed to get him an interview which he bungled up too. I went overseas within a couple of weeks of his losing his job and before I left he was even ready to do pizza delivery. He kept emailing me to tell me how much he missed me and even rang my mum's house to find out if I had landed safely. He had always told me that he couldn't always tell me he loved me or missed me so I never expected such mushy gestures from him. Besides I was busy overseas and he was busy too with his friends when he moved back to his hometown. When he told me he wasn't going to come back to my city, we were discussing this he tried to ease my anxiety - told me we would be fine since we had done a long distance before he moved here. 'You can visit, I will visit and then you are thinking of moving back here anyway - it will be fine' and I accepted that it was going to work out fine.
He even wished me very nicely on new years and then I detected this coldness in him. There were no terms of endearment - no babe or darl or hon. I asked him and he said while he missed me initially he didn't anymore and that he cared for me enormously as a friend but not as a bf. This came as a shock to me. We had parted on good terms and I didn't know where this was coming from. Then he told me that he had issues with a habit of mine - to that I told him I had quit and he started having second thoughts. He said he wasn't in love with me but he loved me. Again this shocked me.
He kept asking for space and I tried to give him as much as possible. But then he deleted me off his facebook cos I vented on my facebook. When I asked him he said we didn't need a facebook relationship when we had a real one. I accepted. He kept telling me that he didn't know what he wanted and wasn't being able to make up his mind. We hadn't seen each other for 2 months so I visited his city - I had a friend's wedding so I took that opportunity.
When I was there it was perfect. He told me that just the day before he was sure he didn't want to see me but now he was glad I was there. We had a wonderful time - hung out with his parents and he even asked me to stay back at his place. He had been drinking but I didn't think he was drunk. He did say he didn't want to lose me but we should be friends for a while. I asked him to drop me to my friends place but he asked me to stay. He said when I am in front of him he has no problems but when I am not there he has doubts. He didn't let me leave and we made out. I told him not to do anything if he didn't love me and he said he did. In the morning he woke up with a big smile and we made out again. But then he started getting cold...we had a bitter fight later that night and we broke up. He told me that it was an accident that we made out - that he was drunk! I felt so used :( He might have been drunk at night - but what about the morning!!
When we had our fight he was so angry - I had never seen him like this. He was drunk as well. His soft face was twisted in anger and he kept telling me to get out at 4am in the morning :( In the morning I told him I accepted his decision. He told me that the reasons he was breaking up was cos I was from a self-centred culture and had a small group of friends - very vague and wierd. I left a broken person. He told me to get out of his life and never contact him again. He had also found out that I had spoken to his dad and got very angry. I merely had spoken to his dad to ask for help for him. I knew he was spiraling into a depressive state of mind and I knew if there was one person he would open upto it would be his dad. He hadn't been speaking to anyone. Everytime his parents would ask him about what happened he would say 'I don't want to talk about it'.
I have not contacted him since we broke up which was 2 weeks back but he has asked a mutual friend about me. All his stuff's here and he owes me money but he hasn't done anything yet. The other day I emailed him to let him know his bills were still arriving here and he hasn't even thanked me for letting him know.
His facebook updates are strange - he says he is in unrequited love with himself. He has been abusing this female friend of his. He has taken his profile picture off. Almost seems he is crying for attention - but I was there to give him that then why did he push me away?
My counsellor tells me he is heading towards a breakdown. He has psoriasis. He feels that he's a loser. He told me I have a degree, a job and a house and he's going to be a student not earning anything. But I have told him I am not after his money - just to provide emotional support but he doesn't want that. He says it's pressure to be in a relationship at his stage of his life. He also was abused when he was in his teens and that might be something that's affecting his self worth as well. My counselor's told me he doesn't love himself so I cannot expect him to love me. All I can do now is let him fall. He doesn't think anything's wrong with him and that he can take care of himself. But his mother told me he needs to see a psychologist. He doesn't like his mother and says I am exactly like her. He doesn't want to speak to anyone who will tell him the facts. And of course he is still drinking. And he's in denial that he needs help.
I don't know this man...it's been a complete 360 turnaround from the man I once knew and loved.
A very close friend of his who has known him for over 15 years tells me that he's self destructive, dwells too much on negatives and messes up the positives. He gets defensive when pushed but feels unwanted if left alone. When he gets too much time on his hands he overanalyses and goes digging for problems and usually takes the wrong decisions.
I still love him...but I cannot even talk to him. He's cold and won't talk to me. Of course I haven't pestered him.
So am I correct in assuming that he's pushed me away cos he's depressed? I know he genuinely loved me at one time - then how can his feelings die so suddenly?
Please help! Is there any hope that he may come around? And what certainty's there that when he's in a happy place he will seek me and not someone else.
And the fact that we are in different cities is also such a handicap :(
I dearly love this man and am ready to stick by him - psychological issues or not, financial issues or not, psoriasis or not!
What should I do?
Thanks in advance!
Oh and I would like to mention that he's enrolled in uni, going to a concert (we had plans of attending that together) and still hanging out with friends and drinking. When I met him he told me he is very happy in his hometown and wasn't so in my city. Is he clutching at straws to make himself feel better?
After all he did tell me once that he had cried at the thought of hurting me, that he couldn't sleep cos he had all these worries, that he is using his retail job to keep himself upbeat.
I am confused...am if he's so happy at uni and his life then maybe he is not depressed...never was...and I am fooling myself!!
I'm really sorry to hear about all that you are going through. I'm a guy going through the same thing with my ex girlfriend right now. Guys don't seem to write much about this and so I found myself on this page. However the 'symptoms' appear to all be the same.
The only thing I can say is that while I care deeply for my ex, I cannot fix her. She is the only one who can do that and similarly I cannot put my life on hold for her.
I honestly hope that she get's herself together and when that happens she re-establishes contact and I hope that I am still there for her emotionally when she does. I believe that is what John is saying happened with himself and his wife. Yet reading this page it sounds like you are all putting your ex-boyfriends' needs and emotions first. It's very difficult; I'm honestly not finding it easy myself; but you have to put yourselves first. When/if they do come back to you they'll need someone who is strong and balanced. Someone who is secure enough in themselves to be there for the hard times when the depression will rear it's ugly head again.
I love my ex. I love her as much now as I did before she broke my heart, yet I know, I need to know, if she comes back it is because she wants me, fancies me, loves me.
I don't want her back because I'm a support network and I don't want her to be reminded of all the heartache she has caused me, and fear initiating it in me again.
I wish you all the best of luck. The stories and time frame of your events all seem very personal to me too.
Someone I care about is ignoring me due to caring about myself enough I've decided to end all contact. Your ex was saying he felt guilty when you were telling him you loved him. If I was you I would let him contact you when he said he would and in the meantime I would make every effort to move on with your life.
I need to edit my post and have no idea how, anyway I'm glad I stopped caring about someone who didn't feel the same way about me. I don't think depression was the reason your boyfriend was saying he wanted to end it. Love is love and as far as feeling guilty if someone would hurt themself, you did what you had in your power to help, I would have moved on... just like the saying goes if the person returns he/she is yours if not the individual never was.
My life was so out of place earlier this year since my boy-friend of 4 years left me. It was a rough road for me and felt like giving up, but I am so happy I found priestoflovespell. he helped me get my man back and and make him understand that he must help to pay some of my bills for me. When we got back together it felt so right. I'm telling you people firstname.lastname@example.org is the best caster I've seen thus far Tamara,
I know it's been a little while since the original post from cat, but this is probably the best forum thread I've read in a long time. I can't describe how close this hits to home for me right now, and it has really helped me deal with understanding why my exboyfriend broke up with me. He goes through waves of depression, and one happened to hit while we were together. He said it hasn't happened to him in years, and that he thought he got past it, which is why he felt ready to date again.
Of course he realized this was not true, and broke up with me, stating he needed to be single and that I deserved more than he could offer. He said he deals with it by retreating from everything in his life, which is definitely not the best way to really face or understand the underlying cause of his depression. He also gets really stressed out with overthinking, and hasn't figured out a healthy way to deal with that either.
It made me a little sad that he couldn't open up earlier about his problems, since I could relate to him a little. I went through a bad period from my last year of college through mid-first year of medical school, and it wasn't until I experienced a very serious adverse effect from my medication that I started changing my own outlook and attitude towards everything around me to get over my depression. But, I also understand that he didn't want to burden me with his issues (how he put it).
I'm a very compassionate person, and have no bitterness towards our breakup and the reasons behind it, especially after reading these stories. He said it was nothing that I did, and that I am one of the nicest people he has ever met. My last communication with him was encouraging him to seek alternate ways of dealing with his depression, and hopefully get to the root cause of it, instead of resorting to a quick fix of retreating. If I could, I would do anything to help him, but I know this is something he has to figure out on his own. I told him that I hoped we could still be friends and if he ever needed someone to talk to that I would be there to listen. I didn't mention anything about dating again, as I think he should be focusing on himself rather than thinking about a relationship.
It's tough for everyone going through this, but if we truly care about the ones who are going through depression, we need to do our best to be supportive, and to remember that they are suffering more than we are, even though it's hurting us to the core. Sometimes we have to let the things we love the most go, and if it comes back to us, we'll know it's meant to be. We can't do more than the things we have control over, and we certainly don't have the power to cure our significant others' depression (as much as we would love to!)
During the times that he was himself and happy, we had great chemistry and laughed a lot, so I know that this depression is not his true character. I don't know if he will ever truly resolve his problems, or whether we will make it as a couple again. But I do know for all of us that if we put ourselves out there and do the best we can to show the ones we care about that we're there for them, then we should have no regrets. I hope we all get the ending we hope for, but like so many other people here have said, we also need to take care of ourselves and let whatever is happening strengthen us instead of destroy us
Like many people have mentioned previously, I don't need to explain either. The same thing has happened to me. Three days ago, my now ex (almost 2 years together) broke up with me. I was hysterical; however, I had sensed that something wasn't right for a long time. For about a month prior to our breakup, my ex decreased his contact with me: texts, phone, computer. We began to spend a lot less time together, something which I had hoped was just a result of the new school semester stress.
He has had a rough year. His friend's, who had been missing for a few years, body was found in spring ‘10. It went from there. I became aware that he was entertaining ideas of self-harm; however, I was not sure how certain he was of using this method as a coping tool. I would ask him if he ever wanted to talk about things, but he said he liked to sort it out by himself. He began going to a therapist, but discontinued a few months later. Then his parents split up.
Over the last eight months, we had shared many great days, but the bad ones were creeping in more and more. In the past, he had mentioned that he went through a depressed phase in high school, but he got over it in time. I wasn't aware of the severity of his depression until a day after we broke up. He called me late in the evening crying and told me that in spring he was diagnosed with major depression and that he has been taking meds, but recently they are not working. He said some days he would forget to take them, once going for a whole week without any. He said he was so messed up, and things are getting worse.
When he broke up with me, he said he wasn't happy. I asked him if there was anything that could change this, anything that I could do. He said no and we cried.
That was a rough night for me. I barely slept. The next night was our phone conversation. He asked me to keep the info a secret, so I was somewhat relieved that he cared enough to fill me in on something so dire to him. After he had calmed down and stopped crying, we talked as though a great storm had passed. It was comfortable, the words that were missing for so long. He mentioned how his condition would have affected our kids. I asked him if there was anything I could do that would help and he said avoid romance and sexual activity with other people (in other words). This seemed as though he wanted me to wait for him. He seemed unsurely sure about not wanting a future with me. I feel confused. When we were talking about giving each other's belonging back, he said he wanted to keep this one item of mine as a keepsake. We talked about love; he said he doesn't think he is capable of feeling this even though he would say he loved me in the past. We talked as though nothing had happened. Apart from some of the content, everything felt fine.
I emailed him the next day and told him it was time for me to move on (to some extent) and that if he could find happiness with new romances, I would greatly encourage this as with myself (though of course it is way too soon).
I feel as though perhaps if his depression was better, then maybe things would be different. I am lost. I don't know if I should give him space or try to contact him. I am worried about his health and feel helpless.
It is still so fresh, and I care about him so much. Any advice? And good luck to all of you folks! we have strength in numbers..
Mine isn't a boyfriend but someone I dated for two months, and I do care about him. At this point, he isn't talking to me but I suspect that he might have a girlfriend. And that leads to another aspect of depression in men; sometimes while they aren't interacting with their girlfriends they are out shagging other women. It's a real problem, and I'm sure it's not something any of you want to consider in addition to your love and concern for your guy.
That could be the hardest thing about dealing with someone with depression or other mental health issues; is their MH issue or their character? And even if promiscuity and infidelity are manifestations of their illness that really doesn't help you. They're not only trashing the relationship they're risking the physical health of both of you.
I have no answers to this. But it's happened to me before where a boyfriend had undiagnosed mental health issues. He never treated me well, but eventually he got some other girl pregnant. After we had broken up more information of his promiscuity came forth, including sexual relations with men. Let me tell you, it was not fun spending a year waiting for the first, second and third HIV tests to come out negative.
Wow, my boyfriend did the exact same thing 7 years ago. He had started taking Prozac, then went off it cold turkey after a few weeks. He was seeing a therapist. He was married within a year of our breakup. The marriage didn't last. Consider it a blessing he broke up with you. You really deserve someone who wants the best for you always and treats you with respect. I know it's hard (been there). Good luck to you.
I am going through the EXACT same thing right now with my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years. We had a house and lived together for over a year. Everything you said your bf told u about u being better off and everything...is exactly the same things hes telling me. I am not handling it well at all!
wow...this situation sounds all 2 familuar...i recently met some1 on-line and we talked that way 4 a while then we met in person 2 weekends in a row and we had awsome sex and he made me feel like a queen. then all of a sudden his depression kicked in 2 high gear and he said he started having feelings 4 me that he just couldnt handle rite now.. as some1 who also suffers from depression, but recovering, i want 2 help him learn what ive learned. i 2 feel it is me...that im not good enough or pretty enough, but he assures me that that isnt it, he needs space and he wants 2 get better but part of me thinks he doesnt. depression can b very addicting.. hang in there....jenni
OMG im in such a mess.
Reading this did and didnt help.
Ive been seeing this guy for about a year and everything was great, I had a car accident and he moved in quite quickly to help. After a few months we decided he ahd to move out for financial reasons, I have dependants. He foudn a house round the corner to rent and despite my mis givings assured me all would be well.
With in days of being on his own he changed, he then ended it and said he needed to be alone. This only lasted days and we sorted it out, 2 weeks later he did it again, that last about 1 week and then we got back together. Through it all he has said he loves me, me and him are great, im the on he focuses on but he is strugging. When he got divorced he admits he went into a deep depression, it took a while but he managed to get himself out of it. He said since he has been on his own he feels like he is going back to that black place. This week he ended the relationship again, saying he isnt ready for a relationship, he lvoes me, im not the problem, me and him are great but emotionally he is no good to anyone. We agreed to stay friends, that very night he was texting me until 2 in the morning, some flirty, some suggestive but i was the one that finally stopped it. The next day he spoke to me fine but after he saw me he went cold again, he did invite me round the night before but then said on the day that he wasnt in a good place adn to leave it. The next day i tried to call him and he just text me saying he wanted his stuff and that he would do this on his own. I sent him a long text, saying I was trying to understand what he is going through and that I dont want anyone else, that I believed him when he said he loved me and would give him the time and space he needs, that if he needs me for anything then to contact me and I would be there. He text back thank you adn ditto. Im the first person he has dated since his divorce 2 years ago, he has said he sees his future eith me and would marry me that im the only one he wants!!
Anyway after that long text he started texting me, chatty, flirty and he invited me round for a glass of wine. Everything was great, we chatted and kept it light, nothing heavy and we made love. It was probably a huge mistake but he was in a good place, he admitted that........he was his old self, jokey, loving. He asked if I would go round the next day. He admitted he still has my pics and looks and things I bought for him.
The next morning I text to see if the was ok and he replied, he then said something which I didnt take to and i didnt reply, he then said it was getitng heavy again. I asked if he still wanted me to go round later and he said that he didnt think he would be home so no worries. Ive text him this morning but heard nothing.
I dont know what to do for the best, I believe him when he sayd he is hurting and he is scared of going back to that dark place, I understand the good and bad days...he said he is tkaing positive steps to get through this and knows he can. I just dont know if he wants me at the end of it........Idont know if no reply is better than a bring my stuff round reply, that would be so final.
Please please help me, im so low and scared of going to that place myself, ive been there whe I got divorced and dont want to go back. We are so good together we clicked form day one but I told him he is not the same man I met a year ago and he said he knows that and wants that man back.
Hello Cat, I know it's been a couple of years now. i have been going through the same situation. Did you end up moving on or did he get back to you?
You are going thru exactly the same thing I am. My bf and I have been together for 15mos and he started pushing me away a couple mos age. I knew he was depressed over a great many issues in his life. I've worked in the medical field for 30 years so I recognise the symptoms.
I gently suggested a Drs care and maybe an anti-depressant. Depressed people can't see the forrest for the trees. He mumbled something like yea but 2 days ago he texted me he was going to the Drs! So I know he hears me even when he seems to be tuning me out.
He also does'nt think he's good enuf for me, as he has said this in the past. He also has severe trust issues due to a very painful break-up w a woman he loved and believed loved him so he can't believe me when I tell him I love him and will support him.
I was just recently dx with breast cancer and I he feels tremendous guilt that he cant be there emotionally for me. I tell him that its ok but the guilt he feels is overwhelming him and when he sees me it just makes it worse.
We still text, talk on phone and see one another, altho not nearly as often, and I am hopefull that when the meds help him out of his darkness he will see the light again. Me.
The same could apply to what you are going thru, alto nothing is certain in life. Men push those closest to them away when they are depresed due to the shame and stigmatism of the condition itself. Blame our culture on that one.
My heart goes out to you. You're not alone in this.
Hi, to all... Cat, Wrecked, I focused mainly on your history and I hope to enlighten you in some doubts, as well as showing the other side of the coin as well. I'm a girl. I've been dating with this amazing guy for almost 5 years now (not my first "boyfriend", but my first REAL boyfriend. the other two were via web -teenage stuff). And I'm now what you're calling (correctly) the depressed girlfriend. I have major depression and it affects directly my relationship, as it does with everything else in my life.It started about 3 years ago (dont be scared, it was that long because I didn't seek help early and was to ashamed to talk). I never got any pleasure from sex, I mean, I felt like doing it with my boyfriend sometimes, but I only felt pain. I'd keep doing it mainly 'cause it gave him pleasure... Now that was a big mistake and I'll explain why later.Afterwards I started feeling "afraid" of any sexual activity with him, I'd avoid going to his house (the only place where we could be intimate) or even being alone with him, because he wasn't aware of my problem and kept insisting in sexual stuff. Finally I hit a point I had to talk to him, I explained my problem and he was very understanding. He said we'd fight it together, that maybe he was doing something wrong and he would research the web for help (BIG NO,NO!).It didn't work, of course. Because that wasn't the problem. In our group of friends (mainly couples) they're very at ease talking about sex, experiences, fantasies, etc. And that would make me feel SOOOO unconfortable... I'd feel so abnormal, so different... Because I didn't have any of that.. I couldn't see the good in it. And there's when the doubts began... Was he the one? Do I feel atracted to him both mentally and physically? Should I be in more relationships until I can say "this is the one"? And started panicking thinking "OMG I'LL NEVER KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO HAVE AN AMAZING FULFILLING SEX-LIFE AT ALL!" and even if you say it doesn't, that DOES ruin relationships. However, are these thoughts only caused by depression? Let's check my backgroung:- I was sexually abused when I was a child;- I still live in a familly environment where there is constantly domestic violence (both verbal and physicall agression);- I was isolated as a kid, never had brothers, neighbours to play with;- I suffered from bullying for several years at school:- I always felt lonely and misunderstood, guilty of all;
- I have a record of mental disorders in the familly (chronical depression, squizofrenia, OCD).All of this adds to your state when you feel depressed. You think of it all, you deal with it all. And then... you have someone there, waiting for the wreck of a person you are... what's your first thought? "I'm gonna send him away. I can't make him happy if I can't make myself happy. I'm a well of problems, I can't be fixed. This will cost me the best thing I've ever had. The love of my life."So no. It's not your fault... Maybe you have somethings you can improve too, yes, like insecurity. Insecure people around us depressed guys is the worst thing. If you're a man, BE A MAN. Make sure you feel capable of protecting your grilfriends, achieving things. Make sure you make them feel protected. However, if it starts to hurt you, if it starts yo affect you... walk away. It's not you fault. It's not our fault either that we're sick, we have to know that. But mainly, we don't want to hurt anyone. Because in most cases, like mine, we love you more than we love ourselves. And that's true.We may feel insecure about what type of love it is... but we do want the best of the best for you. Even if that means you have to find someone else.Back to my story, and to the present: I'm being followed by a pshycologist, I will also be followed by a psychiatrist, I will have couple's therapy with my boyfriend so we can trully find out what's happening too, and I'll be followed in a bunch of other things. When my mind is sort of clear i can imagine the future: Me, my boyfriend, living together, havinng children, being happy. But most of the time my head of filled with this dark matter that keeps pulling me down. And I keep saying no. I have to, because also had/have suicidal thoughts and had a mild stage of self-mutilation. What we, depressed, have to be aware: Depression is a DISEASE! It's not our fault, it HAS a cure, we WILL be fine. We can't think about the walk, just about the finnish line. It's easier said than done, I know. Keep in mind I'm constantly repeating this mantra to me too so I don't fall in the well again. Problems are being taken care of. Do what you're told in orther to get better. I'm personnally still struggling with this, but I know it has to be done. And remember, many people can give their opinion like "maybe you dont like him, leave him", but they are not the ones that get to decide. Only you and your boyfriend/girlfriend have the final saying. Many probably never been through what you're going through, and only make things worst. Listen to your therapist, thoughts are your enemies.What our loved ones have to do: get some information in how to interact with depressed people in a couple. It is REALLY important. Be patient. And again, if you feel it's too much... maybe it is better to remove yourselves from the equation. What we want is for you to think for YOURSELVES, not for us. We've got enough worries and just want you to be ok. Give it time. Maybe we will have the solutions we want, maybe not. But in the end it will all be ok. The path may be harder than you think you can handle, but you will make it. I'm still waiting to know how my story will end... I have trouble making decisions, but one is certain. I want to be ok with my boyfriend. I'll do what it takes until I dont have anything more to give. What happens next is not in your hands if you do everything right. I really wish well to everyone of you, this is one of the worst things you could ever experience in your life. It hurts me more than when I lost my grandfather... and that was quite a puch.So let's be strong together, we all need somebody to lean on... Thank you for sharing.*
I went through the same thing you are going through. However, my boyfriend ended up marrying someone else. Well, he was on oxycodone and his new marriage ended in disaster. The best solution is to first relax, then tell him you are moving on and want to date. Do not contact him. He has to want to help himself. If he really loves you he will get it together. BUT DO NOT CALL OR TEXT--he needs to make contact. When he does, which he will, do not make it easy for him to win you back. You need to take back control to feel good about yourself again.
hi..i just came across this site..and there is so much similarities here..i have been with a colleague who had just came out of his marriage..at first things went great because we had great chemistry..but suddenly early last month (June ) his father died. at first he was coping well.but a few weeks back he started to avoid and ignore me.and this week is worst because he even avoided eye contact.its hard because we work together.he said on the last time we went out together 2 weeks ago that his priorities has changed.he has to be strong for his family.and he texted me last 2 days that he wishes well for me and told me not to have hopes for him.this broke my heart..
As so many have said, I am in this exact same position. Mine is very similar to yours, cat, in that he said he would regret the decision and that it was nothing to do with me etc, but that he couldn't be with me anymore.At first I begged him not to end it, to get help and see how things went. We were going to make a new start, but all he could do was go out and drink. He would be out for hours on end, day after day, to the point where I hardly saw him, even though we were living in the same house. I started to feel like he wasn't even there anymore and that I was fighting for nothing - I would ring him and ask if he could come back just to talk to me, to set things straight and to try and sort out where we stood, but he refused. He said he couldn't deal with it at the time. In the end I called it off, because it wasn't a relationship anymore, I was fighting on my own. I told him I never wanted to see him again after I left... In the heat of the moment, but maybe he took that to heart?The worst thing for me at the time was how quickly it happened, because one week beforehand he was telling me that he loved me and wanted to marry me, then he went to visit his family back home for a week and came back saying that he didn't feel like he could be in a relationship anymore, that it wasn't me, but he needed to sort his head out. We had been due to move into a new house together the following week, and so after it ended I was left to pick up the pieces and sort everything out on my own. The last week we had to live together was horrendous - we fought all the time and he would do things just to hurt me or make me angry, although I know now that I overreacted massively because the hurt was so raw. I would look at him expecting to see the man I loved and see this stranger in his place, and that hurt so much, I wasn't prepared for that at all. After the relationship ended I went on the rebound, but ended that 'relationship' shortly after, because it didn't feel right. Now I am on my own, and all the feelings I stuffed down after I left have come back. I've started talking to him again and all I want is for us to start again, but he's now seeing someone else. I can't understand how he couldn't fight for us to work after a year and a half, but he can now be with someone else just fine. It feels like he never cared. It's not the sleeping with someone else, because I've done the same, but it feels like he replaced me or never wanted me in the first place.He says that he never wanted what he has with this girl and that he doesn't love her, it just 'happened', but I don't know if there is any hope for us anymore...I'm seeing him tomorrow, he's dropping my mail off, and I really don't know what to do. I don't know if I should just write it off completely or if I should try and see if there is anything still there between us. I feel we're meant to be, but is it too late if he's let something happen with someone else?
Hello,Dr Okoja i want to thank you for the returning spell you did for me my wife is back to me after using you returning love spell and she said there is no need for the divorce again thank you so much,i we never forget this great happiness you brought to my life. if you are in need of this powerful spell caster you can reach him through this Email address: email@example.com i must tell this to the world you took a sad man like me and make me happy.
Hi everyone, am oscar from Russia, i have a few miracle that happened in my live and it brought joy and happiness to me and my family. Two years ago i lost my job because a new boss was transferred to the company were i work, and he doesn't understand english very much, so i that was how i lost my job and things got wierd in my family and everything i have got bad and worse.Then my fiancee whom we are to very soon leftme just because i was now unable to take care of her. I had a friend who told me about spell and he referred me to a spell caster on firstname.lastname@example.org, i was very skeptical about using magic to get back to my feet again, but i had to do it because i have no choice.The spell caster told me 2days later i shall see results without mistakes. I did what's is necessary to have it done, at exactly the second day after the spell, my company called me back and gave me back my job.Thngs happened just as the spell caster told me. i was so happy and glad, Then i wanted to do a spell also to bring my lover back, but i felt it wasn't necessary but the spell caster encouraged me to do it if i love her and when he did the spell too she came back to me pleading never to do ir make such errors ever again. Thanks to the email@example.com spell caster for making my life useful to my self once again.
Hi My name is “Smith" just want to share my experience with the world onhow i got my love back and saved my marriage… I was married for 4years with3kids and we lived happily until things started getting ugly and we had afights and arguments almost every time… it got worse at a point that hefiled for divorce… I tried my best to make him change his mind & stay withme cause i loved him with all my heart and didn’t want to loose him buteverything just didn’t work out… he moved out of the house and still wentahead to file for divorce… I pleaded and tried everything but still nothingworked. The breakthrough came when someone introduced me to this wonderful,great spell caster firstname.lastname@example.org who eventually helped meout… I have never been a fan of things like this but just decided to tryreluctantly cause I was desperate and left with no choice… He did specialprayers and used roots and herbs… Within 7 days he called me and was sorryfor all the emotional trauma he had cost me, moved back to the house and wecontinue to live happily, the kids are happy too and we are expecting ourfourth child… I have introduced him to a lot of couples with problemsacross the world and they have had good news… Just thought I should sharemy Dr email@example.com
firstname.lastname@example.org is just the most caring person - always sympathetic and understanding in the needs of his client. I cannot speak highly enough of this wonderful man. We have been working together for about 6 months now and I can highly recommend him. Thank you email@example.com for everything you are doing for me.
Hi everyone, am oscar from Russia, i have a few miracle that happened in my live and it brought joy and happiness to me and my family. Two years ago i lost my job because a new boss was transferred to the company were i work, and he doesn't understand english very much, so i that was how i lost my job and things got wierd in my family and everything i have got bad and worse.Then my fiancee whom we are to very soon leftme just because i was now unable to take care of her. I had a friend who told me about spell and he referred me to a spell caster on firstname.lastname@example.org, i was very skeptical about using magic to get back to my feet again, but i had to do it because i have no choice.The spell caster told me 2days later i shall see results without mistakes. I did what's is necessary to have it done, at exactly the second day after the spell, my company called me back and gave me back my job.Thngs happened just as the spell caster told me. i was so happy and glad, Then i wanted to do a spell also to bring my lover back, but i felt it wasn't necessary but the spell caster encouraged me to do it if i love her and when he did the spell too she came back to me pleading never to do ir make such errors ever again. Thanks to the email@example.com spell caster for making my life useful to my self once again.
NE. I rehi can't thank you enough for all that you have done for me. About a year ago I my partner split up, we had both made BIG mistakes in our relationship. He ended up moving away from me to pursue a new life. I knew in my heart that he would be the only one to make me happy. I was relieved when I found your email on a site about what you have requested 3 to 4 day casting of the reunite us love spell and within 4days mark company had relocated him back to our hometown where I still lived. We immediately reconnected and move in with each other. Our wedding date is set for october 2012. Expect to see your invite in the mail!.thanks to firstname.lastname@example.org
i was only dating him for 2 months, but then bam, he broke up with me. he told me was depressed after his relationship ended with his kids mother and that he was taking stuff, but we always had so much fun that it didnt seem real..of course i noticed times when he seemed distance ..just not there, but i figure things on his mind. now he broke up with me saying he's hurting me and feels guilty and he's not ready and he cant watch me date other guys either and he wants to be fair to me and blah blah blah
i cant tell if it's depression or he's just not that into me..if knew which was it was, i could move on or stay; not knowing, keeps me stuck. it wasnt a long relationship but it was real and fun and just plain amazing...i am taking it really hard and i dont know why...it guess it's the confusion and the abruptness of it all..compelte 180,
Hello everyone. I am "Cat," the person who made the original post back in 2009. I just noticed some posts from people trying to sell "spellcasts" or whatever you call it.
Please DO NOT reply to any posts on this chain. The people on this website are REAL people with REAL problems, and these other posts are completely inappropriate and disrespectful to what these individuals are going through. Please go sell your rediculous treatments elsewhere. The people on this website are looking for actual support. There is no way to trick someone back into your life, create a spell or whatever else you are talking about. Thank you for listening and please do not post here again.
"ya know"... I will respond to your personal email shortly.. and please hang in there and think good thoughts, I hope things will work out. Sending you good thoughts :-)
I made a new post in this page, hope it can help some of you... Best wishes
I am not here to convince you or to make you buy anything from me. As I always sayâ¦ if it does not feel right, donât do it! When it comes to spells, love spells and spell work it is important that you select an authentic and genuine spell caster that you feel good about. My advice to you is to really take the time to read the good new about me in any site. You will find many valuable information about me, my services and products as well as authentic spell casting, love spells, magic spells, witchcraft and spiritual help. Only you can decide if I am the right spell caster for you, let me tell you one thing you have to know is that most of the fake spell caster do have a site just convince you to see my thing about them, and they will take your money and they will never respond to your mail again don't be deceive brothers and sisters. My door is always open to you and you are very welcome to email me at any time email to contact is:email@example.com.... CONTACT ME NOW VIA EMAIL:firstname.lastname@example.org FOR MORE INFORMATION......
ive come to realise its rubbish.
rubbish as in, yes well they are depressed. they become selfish.
they finish with you because they are selfish and cant be botherd to cunger up effort to keep a relationship going, its too much effort so they finish it, easy way out or they simply dont want to be with you anymore, so this is half the reason an easy excus out, i wouldnt worry yourself or think too much into it.
its like any other realtionship, its over they have finished it, no matter what the reason they have used depression as an excuse for lazyness
they wanted you at teh start, so they have just simply lost intererest in you like they do everything else, so without interest why be with someone?
dont get yourself down or overthink it, or think you can help them
as if they wanted you they would want you there....
they will have to keep on searching for whatever they are looking for but you wont be part of it
so dont worry urself
find someone without depression, someone who wont make you feel as though your walking on egg-shells or where youdont know where you stand emotionally, its a mental illness
their feelings blank off, so no point pussy-footing around waiting for them
i would say its only worth sticking together if your married or have kids and depression has airied because of something like death in teh family because it fades with time
if they had it when you got together or they have had it for years i dont think there is any hope in hell as they just switch and change and wont have the enegery or emotional ebegeryg for anything you need from a realtionship and they know that thats why they finished it, bkuz they cant be bothered.
its a cop-out
hi everyone , my name is luhia and i am here to give you the latest gist about a very good spell caster that helped me get my boyfriend back after living me for more than 2years he came back after this great spell caster called email@example.com who help me bring him back i am so happy today that he is with me.
I can relate to a lot of what is being said on here. My boyfriend of 8 months broke up with me on Sunday. After a week of being on holiday, I came home to a text from him saying we need to talk. I rang him to see what was up as this was very unusual of him and he answered the phone in tears, absolutely distraught. So much so, that I thought one of his close family member had died. He said he would meet me for coffee, but I insisted that I go round to his to talk to him as I was really worried about him. I got to his house to find him crying, as if having a nervous breakdown. He started by saying "I'm not ready for a serious relationship", then continued to say things like "I feel like a failure because I have no friends, and I feel like I am letting you down". (While I was away, he arranged to meet up with my friends), and he said how he doesn't have any friends of his own. I was very surprised at all this as he was fine before I went away on holiday for a week. This week was the first time I had been away from him for more than 4 days in our relationship, and I honestly think it got on top of him. He had too much time on his own, thinking about things, and it all got on top of him.
He said things as they were were unfair on me, and that he feels like he is letting me down. After this I left him without much of a word. I just said "is it over then?", he said "yes" then i just walked out. I ws in such shock I was just left speechless. On my way home I burst into tears.
That night I sent him a text. During the day i began to realise that he might have depression, that's why he has been acting so strangely all of a sudden. And reading your posts now has made me realise this. I said that we need to talk and that it came as a surprise and that i wanted to see that he was ok.
He text back saying he was upset because he didn't want to hurt me, and that he felt bad for being the only one that was crying. (I think he thought because I wasn't crying he felt i didn't care). Far from the opposite
I text him back saying i am upset too, and that we should arrange to talk.
The next day I still had heard nothing and i knew he would never text due to his pride and because he didn't want me to see him like this. So i text him to say that I was coming to his house to talk to him.
I went over. First of all, he put on a brave face, but i knew he was just putting it on to make out he was ok. It's as if the day before had not happened, he did not seem to care that he had broken up with me.
I said to him are you ok? And then he started talking more. I insisted that he be honest with me, and then he admitted that he had depression nd that he does not want to be in a relationship because he has too many issues to deal with and that he needs to be alone right now.
I then said he needs to find help and someone to talk to. His family. I also said that i still care for him and that i would be there for him. He started crying and admitted that he has been putting on a facade most of the time, and that it was exhausting for him.
We talked some more and i kept telling him to get help. I left then received a text from him saying thank you and that me coming over really helped. And that he felt relieved that i understood. I told him to keep in touch and to promise me that he would talk to someone bout how he is feeling.
I feel unsure how to feel. I still care for him and it hurts sometimes. This forum has made me feel a lot better about things and that there is hope
I started reading the first few posts of this forum and am amazed I have finally found people I can actually relate to. Everything else I've tried to research is about people getting depression when they get dumped.
To tell you all why I'm here, my girlfriend of two years dumped me about four days ago. She was diagnosed with depression about 4 months ago and has been on medication. She won't talk about it with anyone and only shared it with me and her immediate family.
I noticed it affecting our relationship a while ago with a lack of intimacy and romance. She didn't want to be touched much anymore because she said she felt very anxious and it bothered her. She explained how a lot of things she use to get excited about and enjoy were no longer appealing and that life in general wasn't what it used to be.
When I noticed things becoming different between us I would ask her if its me that she's feeling different towards and she would always re-assure me that its definitely the depression.
Two weekends ago we went to the states to visit her cousins. While there I kept noticing the lack of physical contact (no hugging, kissing, holding hands, etc. I was luck to get a peck on the lips in the morning and at night but I had to initiate it always). So one night I brought it up again saying is it me that's the problem. She said it's not me it's her and the depression. She said she feels so bad about how she's treating me and how I don't deserve any of this.
Then the next weekend (this past Sunday) she comes over and says we need to break up. It caught me completely off guard. She said she was thinking about our conversation from the previous weekend all week and that's the conclusion she's reached.
When I asked her why she said that her feelings for me had changed and she's not sure if it's the depression or if she legitimately feels differently about me. She said she wants me to move on and get over her and that this is the end, but she still loves me and cares for me. I'm still so confused about the whole thing since it's so sudden and I can't understand how she made the decision seemingly overnight when the whole time for months shes been saying it's definitely the depression.
Friends and family are telling me it's not the depression and that's her way of letting me go without being too harsh but when I brought it up with her she said she's always beens straight up with me and never played games with my head (all true) and that I had to trust that was it.
I still don't know what to think and make of all this. I wrote her a letter and a lengthy email basically saying I can't believe this is the end of us and I still love her but if this is what she wants I have to respect her wishes and won't be contacting her.
At this point in my mind as painstaking as it is I've had to tell myself that this is it and I need to try moving on. I figure that if she does legitimately feel different about me then it will give her space and let her realize that I really am moving on and question if that's what she really wants. If she wants to stay apart then I'm already getting moving in the only direction I can.
I would value your opinions and advice on my situation as I don't need to tell you how difficult the situation really is and how much talking to others, especially those who can truly relate, is at this time.
My boyfriend broke up with in back in July. I'm not sure why he ended our relationship but I believe it was because he didn't know how to communicate what was bothering him. He decided to run away rather then discuss his concerns.The reason I went with wiseindividualspell is because of all the positive reviews I found on him and the response I received when I explained my situation to firstname.lastname@example.org. I Decided to go with the Golden Kiss which worked in about two weeks.
Hey Cat, I am just wondering how your situation turned out after a few years? I'm in the same boat and desperate to hear that somebody on here has good news to share.
If there is anyone searching for a love spell caster, you can contact email@example.com i checked him out and i get a better result .my girlfriend who left me for the past six months have returned back to me.This spell caster helped me get her back to me.You should check him out and you will be happy again. I am Joel
I'm both glad and sad when i read this. Glad that i am not alone and sad that this happens to others.
I spent two years in love with the most amazing man, we lived together, we played together, we laughed together. He was part of every bit of my life.
Unfortuately, he broke up with me last week because he was depressed. Saying things like "this isnt fair on you" , "your better off without me", " i dont know where my head is at". He wouldnt let me support him because it was unfair on me with him not being able to give me all that i need or all that i "deserve". He is so down all the time, he doesnt find enjoyment in anything.
What makes it more difficult, i dont know whether or not i should move on because he has promised to "get himself sorted" and then try and win me back.This hurts more than anything i could ever imagined, he thinks he is doing whats best for me because nothing makes him happy anymore. I wanted to be there to help him through all of this, i hate seeing him hurt. Do i wait for him or do i try and accept this and recover? Is it even possible for a relationship to recover from this?
I am going through this right now...my heart is broken:( It feels aweful....I told his father and a friend, and now he wont talk to me...
My ex-husband and I had always manged to stay friendly after our divorce, but I always wanted to get back together with him, and he was never sure. So, I thought it was about time I MADE him sure! All it took was a visit to your website and a request for a specific love spell, and Uda spell's powers began to work their magic. My spell is working because guess what: My "ex" is soon to be my husband again! This is nothing short of a miracle. Thank you, Uda spell. Words are not enough.contact the great man firstname.lastname@example.org
i am Linda i want to tell every that i have found the real spell caster and that he have just helped me get my husband back to me and the kids.I met this spell through a friends description and he told me that he help him to get his wife back when another man took her from him and then i decided to try him out and i discover that he is the best and he is very powerful and just yesterday my husband whom i thought will never come back to me came and said to me that he was sorry for leaving me. i now so happy that my desire have been fulfilled. thank to the priest of the email@example.com he is so powerful,website http://templeoflove1.webs.com
My boyfriend and I broke up a few days ago. We had been together for over a year and for the first six months I could not have asked for a better relationship I thought I had found the one. Despite it being long distance we made it work and made every effort when we did see each other. In May this year I started to notice that he wasn’t himself. He became very irritable and lost interest in a lot of things. I blamed it on external issues. His unhappiness grew steadily worse. People around him started asking if he was alright. I persuaded him to seek advice from the doctor – whos response was it being either depression or a virus.
Our relationship became strained for a variety of reasons. After a huge argument after Christmas he told me that he never followed up with the doctor as he was so scared that he had depression and that maybe he should book another appointment. Although he did not go out drinking often, when he did he had no memory of what had happened and each time he seemed to get into a fight with someone. He put on a lot of weight, isolated himself from his friends and became increasingly unable to make decisions. We went on a break shortly after new year to give each other some space. He called and told me what he and the doctor had said and it was clear that he had merely skimmed the surface with what had been going on over the last six months. The doctor blamed this behaviour on increased stress due to him starting up his own business and issues with his family. He was advised to take time off work.
After a long phone call we agreed to get back together and give things another go. The following weekend, after too many hours in the pub he returned home barely able to stand. He said some extremely hurtful things and tried to hit me twice. I was so angry and hurt by the things he had said. I called his sister and found out he had tried to do this with her a few weeks earlier. The next day I told him what had happened and he was disgusted with himself. I told him that I would not go on like this and I saw no reason to continue if he behaved in that way. I booked him another doctors appointment and he asked if I would come with him. The doctor banned him from drinking as he could not prescribe him medication as a result. I voiced my concerns over him having depression to which the doctor responded “you say depression, I say mood”. His follow up appointment is booked at the beginning of February.
Over the last two weeks he has upheld his word and has not touched a drink. I knew it was going to be tough but thought that he now he had accepted it, things would take time but he had started his recovery. Over the next two weeks, things between us got better. We compromised over a few things and his mood seemed better. He came down to visit the weekend past and it was as if he had taken a 180 turn. I got upset as we had bickered constantly since he arrived. We had a long chat and decided things weren’t getting any better and the pressure on us both was too much. He said that he only loved me sometimes and when I asked what times did he not love me he said when we were arguing. He hated making me upset and didn’t think our relationship had improved over the last two weeks. I was devastated. I told him that I had fought so hard for us and tried my best to support him and yet he didn’t seem to be doing anything to improve it. I told him I was still angry for what he had done to me and that apologies were only words. He said that he just wanted to bury the incident and couldn’t explain how ashamed he was of it. Nor did he know where to begin making it up to me. He wanted to remain friends and said that he would keep in touch but that now just wasn’t the time for us. We agreed that in a couple of months if we missed each other we would see how things went and left it at that. Although i am gutted about it, its best for both of us.
I am left in a situation where I am unsure whether him acting like this over the last six months is because of depression or whether its just the way he is. Or if he will ever be the same person he was six months ago. I also don’t know whether our relationship had simply run its course or whether its depression talking. The doubts in my head are caused by him telling me that he only loved me sometimes and that a lot of the things he said were to make me feel better. Yet he says that he doesn’t want to hurt me and doesn’t think hes good enough for me. I found out today that the night we broke up he went out drinking. I haven’t spoken to him since we broke up and think that if I contact him in the next while it will only push him away. I know it will take time to move on but am unsure how I can if I don’t know that he is going to continue with getting help. I know I have faults of my own and need a lot of reassurance which doesn’t help matters. I also know that this is something he needs to do himself. I just feel lost and confused about it all.
My boyfriends mum has just died and i know he is depressed and after 5 years together he has done the same to me. Saying the same things that he needs his space, he doesn't know what he wants and he wants a new life. We have always had a great relationship and been very close so being cut out of his life so suddenly with no warning is very hard. After reading what you are going through has made me feel he may need some help too, he said he had been feeling this way about us for a while but i had not noticed he was unhappy in our relationship i just felt that outside influences we making him unhappy i.e his mum being sick before she died and him not having a job. Finding the power to get up every day is very hard and im so worried about him and he wont let me in. Iv suggested moving away but he keeps saying it wouldn't be right. The scary thing is it is not like him to be so cold and distant from me thats why i am worried it is more then him not wanting to be with me and scared he is struggling with grief and cant handle it. Has anyone experienced this after a relative close to you has died?
I'm so glad I came across this. I'm going through a very similar situation with my boyfriend.
We haven't yet officially broken up but it's only because we can't bring ourselves to. If we break up then I know I will cut all ties and never let myself see him again for fear of being hurt again. He can't handle not having me in his life so he doesn't want to break up because he knows it will mean never seeing me again.
We can both see ourselves happy and together in the future, we just can't see the road to that point.
Right now, he sees me as a best friend and although I knew this a few weeks ago, I was kind of ok with it because we were still a "couple", we still did "couple" things and I felt that I was still allowed to see him as my boyfriend. He'd said that he thought there was some kind of barrier against seeing me as his girlfriend that stemmed from one of his many issues and one of his main priorities was to look into that and try to get us back on track.
But last night, I found out that he's been plodding along for the past few weeks quite happy for us to just act like friends and not consider my feelings at all. This really hurt me because the one thing I had to hold onto was that I thought he was actively trying to sort our relationship out.
I do understand that he has a lot on his mind and that he needs to fix himself before we can be fixed but I can't go on like this if I don't feel he deserves me. What I mean by that is that I've been acting like a girlfriend, doing everything I can to support him, be there for him and help him and us, i've done so much and in my opinion it's over and above what a best friend would do. He is of the opinion that I've just been acting like a best friend.
I don't like that I feel bitter about things and that I don't think he appreciates me enough and I hate that I can't stop thinking that he should just get over himself and see me as a girlfriend even though it would probably be easier for me to be able to see him as a friend.
I'm scared that if I admit to myself that we're just friends, I'll eventually convince myself that that's how I feel and once that happens, I'll never be able to change back if the time comes that he's ready to be in a relationship with me.
I am in such a mess over all this, all my thoughts are conflicting and I'm constantly switching between hatred and bitterness and pure love and understanding.
Wow. I just went through something very similar. It sucks this happens so frequently. I can totally identify with how you are feeling since I have felt the same way for the past several months. I was with my boyfriend all through college and we had always talked about how we wanted to move in together after graduation. For almost four years we never fought. We were very happy and had a ton in common. I knew he had been depressed in the past and that it had been bad for him but he had received therapy and hadn't had problems since. He still had problems with his family life, since that's where most of the problems stemmed to begin with (especially since he has a very successful older brother his family thinks he needs to aspire to be) but he was able to brush that stuff off and take comfort in me and our friends making him feel like he was great just the way he was. All that changed first semester our senior year. He studied abroad and would call me every few nights close to tears saying how he hated where he was and that all he wanted to do was come back to school. He said the people there treated him like crap and used him. I told him to talk to me whenever he felt sad and to only hang out with the people who weren't mean to him while he was there and try to find the good in the situation and just enjoy the things that he could. I had never experienced him like this. He came to visit me at the end of the semester and was so happy to be back even if it was just for a weekend. The second semester he was back on campus and at first everything was great and normal.
Then things took a drastic turn. He started to sleep a ton more than he used to, he lost a ton of weight, and began to get very irritable. Nothing I said was right, and small things would set him off. Really small things, almost laughable at the time. He would sometimes get angry and yell at me or our friends which he never used to do. Then he would do whatever he could not to hang out with our old friends. Instead he would go get black out drunk with the people from his study abroad trip who made him feel bad. When I pointed this out to him, he said that he had no idea what I was talking about. That these were his best friends and that he had had the time of his life and that I was just being jealous. He would still make some effort to hang out with me, although it became "hey, let's hang out with my new friends" all of the time which got on my nerves--how was I supposed to just accept the people who made him feel so bad? He said I was just negative and needed to accept them. The black outs got worse, and one night his old best friend stayed up with him all night taking care of him which he never acknowledged. He later ditched this same friend on his birthday after saying he would celebrate with him to go get trashed with his new friends. Towards the end of the semester our old friends started making jokes about how "we won't see him tonight, he has NEW friends..." and all that stuff. He had pushed them all away. Yet he still wanted me. We still talked about our future and how we wanted to stay together. We had some difficulty deciding on where we both wanted to be, but at the time it seemed like we were both open to figuring it out together--that we would come to a conclusion. Then one night we fought randomly and he said he was terrified of losing me. I told him I was getting frustrated with him because he seemed like he was getting disinterested in me. He said things were just rough right now, but we would get through it. The next few weeks seemed fine, like he really made an attempt to see more of me and our old friends.
Then graduation happened and a few days later he broke up with me saying that he thought we needed to go find ourselves seperate places, that he was unsure if we would be happy together forever. This had never been spoken by him before. He would always talk about the future like we were soul mates and that no one made him as happy as I did. Then he said he would never forget me. The past tense nearly killed me. Needless to say all of our friends were shocked and had no clue what had happened. A few of them called him and said that he needed to pump the breaks before he regretted his decision. His parents told him the same thing and after I sat at my parent's home in a sobbing wreck for several says I emailed him and told him why I loved him and why it didn't have to be this way. He said he had talked to a lot of people and realized that he did need to slow down. He said he had a lot to sort through and that he still loved me too and it wasn't my fault. He said we could be on a break.
He changed his mind on this a few weeks later and said we were officially over. I didn't know what to think. I ran into him a few weeks later when we both went to visit a mutual friend. We went for a walk and I broke down saying I felt like I would never see him again. He melted and held me and said he loved me and that he just needed time, but that he had faith in our relationship. He said he had said it was over before because he wanted to save me and give me an out. I said I didn't want one and he agreed to talk to me about ending the break in a few months.
He got an internship and moved to another state a month later and for several weeks begged me to come visit. I agreed to go visit him and a few nights before I got there he texted me in the middle of the night to ask me to move in with him. That he missed me, he made a mistake, etc. When I got to his new place we acted normally for several days. Then things changed again and he completely took back everything he said. He said I could not move in with him and that he had too much happening in his life to be with me right then. But that he loved me and wanted to marry me one day. He said his stress came from not having a paying job and that had he had one earlier, none of this would have happened. He said we could still discuss our relationship on the date we agreed on earlier in the summer in hopes he would have things figured out. He said he knew he was depressed but that he wanted to only solve it on his own.
About a month after I had seen him he got a paying job that he was pretty happy about. I called and congratulated him but he seemed like he didn't want to talk to me. For a few weeks after he acted like I was just an annoyance and he wouldn't respond to my texts or calls (and I only left a few, I was not smothering him). I found out he was doing this to all our old friends and had even said to someone that he felt everyone hated him because he broke up with me (even though it's because he pushed them away). I even got a response about a potential job not too far from where he was and told him about it. He seemed excited at first that we could be in the same place, but the excitement disappeared again days later. Now we are in this weird place of him texting me only once every few weeks about nothing important and me having to pull teeth to get him to have a normal conversation with me.
I recently heard through the grape vine that two weeks after I visited him, he started seeing another girl casually through his internship. I was devastated. I have no idea if it's still going on or if it is to the extent that I heard this relationship was, but it hurts. And it left me completely confused--seeing as he says we are still on a break and the date we agreed on re-evaluating our relationship is still approaching. I have not wanted to confront him on this issue for fear of being wrong about the nature of it, for him to feel accused of something, or to push him away further. I have no idea where to go from here. I still love him very much but if he just wants to lose me what can I do?
I have talked to a lot of people about this and the bottom line is this is not the person I was in love with. He is MIA at the moment. And it is unclear if he will ever be back. Especially since he insists on dealing with his problems himself. Nothing makes sense to me because nothing makes sense to him. He has no idea where his own head is right now. And from a depressed person's point of view it probably does feel easier to run away from the problems and mask them with new people who don't know what's going on. This is only a short-term solution however. I have learned from people who knew him in the past that this behavior is actually normal for him---when things get tough or there is a life transition with any doubts, he can't cope and he runs and attaches himself to the nearest interested person(s). And this cycle will continue. I'm sure it was the same with your boyfriend who wanted to act like things were normal so he went out to the pub to mask his true feelings. I had the same feelings of anger at how can he be happy and be ok just moving on like this when I am now the one hurting? The truth is that he IS hurting. He just doesn't want to pay mind to it because that's easier.
I have also had a hard time dealing with the conflicting hatred and pure love and understanding feelings. On the one hand, what he is doing is very selfish and cruel. On the other hand, he can't comprehend that he is doing that right now, and the things he does come from an illness that should not define who he is. It's very hard and I have been going back and forth with this for months. I still have hope things turn around, as I do for you and your boyfriend---and I hope both of these guys get the help that they desperately need. Even if it's not us in their future, they will need to get help eventually for things to ever get better for them. My boyfriend also did the whole "we can still be best friends" thing--however actions speak louder than words, and if he isn't going to be there for you, then he isn't really making the attempt to be your friend. Relationships are a two way street and there is only so much one person can do if the other continues to push you away. THEY have to be the ones who want to get help. We can't make them, and that is so hard. Just know this isn't your fault. That is what I have come to terms with. After talking to my friends and family about this, I know that I deserve better than being treated like this. I sometimes wonder if it's even worth it to try and get back together because even if things did get better and they were better for a while, depression comes back. What would happen if we got married and had kids and this happened again?? I just don't know if I could survive that. I hope things work out for you either way things end up going. I hope things work out for me too---if not, love will find us again eventually---you have to have faith in that. It is also sadly comforting to know that if things don't work out, it's because the person you loved doesn't exist anymore and you did all you could do. And maybe one day somewhere down the road they will have that realization moment and get help, and maybe someday you will get that call from them wondering how you are. That's all you can hope for.
Sorry, I know this is super long, but I'm so glad I found this. It helps knowing I'm not the only one going through this.
I feel so much better after reading these posts, and realising that Im not alone in what Im going through. Similarly to most of you, my partner of 3 years, who I have lived with for most of that time, woke up a few days ago a changed man. I didnt really see it coming, I didnt know he had a history of depression (he has told me since), and although he seemed withdrawn, unenthusiastic and somewhat 'lost' over the last few weeks, I didnt really think there was a serious problem. He hasnt been working for the last few months, and hasnt wanted to put any effort into getting a job, which has obviously put a lot of strain on things, especially when we live together and I basically have to pay all the rent and support him. But our relationship itself was fun and amazing, as it has always been, and I thought he was happy with me.
But on Monday he told me out of the blue, from nowhere, that his feelings towards me have changed. He said he isnt happy in his life, he needs to be alone to sort his head out, and that I dont make him happy anymore. He blames me for our relationship falling apart (which I didnt realise was even happening because he seemed fine until the last few weeks), and says that he cant be with anyone until he has spent time on himself. He told me at the same time that he has had depression before and had to end a relationship and shut himself off so he could recover by himself - but they didnt get back together afterwards. His personality has completely changed towards me within a matter of a day - he was always so kind and affectionate and fun, we were always hugging and kissing - now he doesnt want to even look at me, or touch me, and when I cry because he is speaking to me so cruelly he just shouts at me. Its like he has been taken over by someone else. He doesnt sleep at night, and he never wants to do anything during the day, he gets snappy and irratible, he says he feels lost and empty and has even said he doesnt want to live anymore. Its all so hard to take, I think Im still in shock.
The worst thing is, while he is blaming me on one hand and saying I dont make him happy, at the same time he says he still loves me and still wants me in his life and hopes I will wait for him! But I dont see why he would want me to wait for me if he isnt happy with me. A big problem is he is actually Australian but has moved to be with me (he doesnt have close family or friends there anymore, and his life is basically here now). He doesnt have anything to go back to and admits he doesnt think being there will help. He is packing his bags and staying at a friends until he can get a flight back, so I cant even give him some space then go and see him, he'll be lost to me when he goes back there.
He sounds so confused, but yet so sure that being rid of me will help him recover from whatever is wrong. He has never mentioned any problems in our relationship until this has happened, we were always happy and having fun, our friends always noticed how happy he seemed. Im so hurt that this has happened so quickly. Could it just be that he woke up one day and realised he doesnt want to be with me anymore, or is it likely that this is some sort of defence mechanism caused by his depression? Any help or advice would mean a lot to me, I dont know what to do, I feel so powerless now. Everything has fallen apart in just a few days, for no reason I can understand.
I just noticed your post at the end of this thread and I just went through a similar break up earlier this week where my depressed boyfriend broke up with me rather suddenly so he can be alone to sort out his head. We were also pretty happy, and during the breakup, he still knew he cared about me, but a few days later, he couldn't distinguish how he felt for me from the nothing he felt for everything else. I don't know if I have advice that can help you, as I am going through the same shock and devastation, but maybe it can be a small comfort that you're not the only girl going through this.
I think that your partner asking you to wait, and saying he still loves you, is a sign that he's conflicted--snappyness and irritability are pretty common in depression, as is pushing people away. It's very possible he woke up one day and didn't want to be with you anymore, but it's possible this is due to being depressed rather than just being unhappy with the relationship. Whatever it is, you have to realize that it's not you. He sounds like he's lashing out at you, but you cannot and are not responsible for the relationship's success or failure. I have a hard time accepting this too. I totally understand your feeling of powerlessness because we are powerless. All we can do is offer our support, let him know you care about him and he can talk to you anytime he wants. It's up to you if you want to wait for him, but keep in mind it could take him a very long time to heal. While it does sound like his change of heart could be from the depression, you do run the risk that he might not want to return to the relationship after. (It's probably best to have a "closure talk" a few days later to clear all this up and decide what he wants/what you should). If he still chooses to push you away, then you just have to give him some space and hope he comes back. You didn't mention this, and I assume it must have been well managed if you didn't know about it for so long, but make sure he's getting some kind of help. Working on meds and/or seeing a therapist. This is the one thing you should push and if he refuses, try to contact his family to see if maybe they can convince him to.
What has helped me with the breakup is to try continuing to live my life the best I can. My ex specifically asked me to not wait for him, so I'm giving him some space, and trying to move on without closing the door completely on him. It's been a week now and I haven't really heard from him, so I can't really share the outcome. Sorry this was so long, I hope the book I worte was somewhat helpful :P
Thank you so much for your message, it really does help that other people have had similar experiences and understand how this feels. Im sorry to hear that you are going through the same thing, I hope you manage to sort things out with him.
Its been a week now and things have just gone from bad to worse. I dont think I have been handling it in the right way, because I have been so hurt and confused. I just cant bear the cold and cruel way he talks to me these days, and the fact he gets to angry when I get upset about it. Its as if he has lost any capacity to care about my feelings.
He came back yesterday for a few minutes to get the rest of his stuff. He said he still loved me and wanted me in his life, and that he realised he had messed up. Yet today he was supposed to see me and when I called him as planned, he just got snappy and angry again and said he cant come round. He is flying back to Australia on Wednesday, this may have been the last time we could see each other. Its hard for me to understand how he can not be missing me at all or at least wanting to say goodbye, bearing in mind what he told me just yesterday.
I wanted to ask something else, although Im worried about the answer. When people are depressed and push those closest to them away, is it normal that they can have mood swings, and yet still function normally around other people? He still manages to go and play cricket for his team, and tonight he is playing darts with a team .... could this be normal, and that he can pretend to be ok if he has commitments to keep, or if he were really depressed would he be wanting to be completely alone and pushing everyone in his life away?
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond, it really has helped me. It sounds like you are a lot stronger than me. I feel like Im the one slipping into depression now, I just want to stay in bed all day and cry! :-(
Would it help to remind yourself that he's not himself? This doesn't make the way he's treating you ok, but as hard as it might be to do, you shouldn't take it personally. He might be pressured and stressed by the time constraint and that could be another reason he's lashing out. It might be easier to not do it in person for him (it might keep the situation from getting too emotionally charged), but I think he knows he owes you at least a talk. My ex couldn't handle even talking on the phone, and we ended up having to clear things up over IM. I've heard from others who have been through depresssion that it can make you incredibly narcisstic. It's hard to see beyond yourself and how you're feeling which might be why he isn't taking your emotions into consideration at all.
I don't know much about depression other than the standard clinical symptoms and what I've witness from my ex, so I don't know if I can really help answer your question. Everyone handles depression differently, he may like the routine and rally to make it to those outings, or he might not be close with those people and doesn't feel the need to lash out and push them away like he's doing to you. The only person who can really tell you is him. It's hard to understand through the contradictions, but I think he seems to be honest about all the things he's feeling. It really helped me to have a set of questions about things I wanted to clear up (for example, did he want me to be there for him) so that I didn't forget anything when things got emotional. Also, if he asks you to be there for him, but just ends up lashing out at you, don't hesitate to say you need to talk when he's more calm. Trying to help someone is hard, but you also need to remember to take care of yourself.
I think you are stronger than you realize! Each day it gets a little better, and keeping busy will really help. I posted my problems to another board and got some advice that really helped me (especially the response from super_pickle). Here's the link: http://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/kg1xt/feeling_unfinished_about_a_relationshipmoving_on/
The moving on bit might or might not be relelvent, but she makes a really good point about remembering that this isn't your fault, and you can be there for someone without being responsible for them.
Good luck! I hope things have gotten better for you by the time you read this. :)
I have shared my story above (user name Anna, read if it helps) It was in 2010. It was same as yours. My fiancee left me 4 months before the wedding and exactly the same way as you describe. Blamed me, cruel words, narcessistic, just thought about himself. At the same time asking me to wait in certain moments. but when I asked any question he just shouted and got angry. Everything seems long ago now, but I can still go back to that memory and it makes me want to vomit becuase I know how bad he made me feel. Now 1.5 years later he is diagnosed with Bipolar disorder (manic depression) and have been on medication for about 2 months. I beleive when he left me that he was in a mixed state of Mania and Depression cause there was so much crying and sadness on his behalf and the next moment he could be on top of the world drinking with his freinds refusing to even speak to me. We did get together only 3 months after the break up (when he finally broke down).. but nothig will ever be the same again. He ruined a part of me and the relashionship that I dont think that I can ever forgive him for, even though I am trying every day and have been to thearapy with and without him. He is still in therapy and on meds.. and who knows what the future will bring. Makes me so sad that others have to go through what I beleive was my lowest moments. I know that writing to people in same or similar situation helped me a lot , so if you want to send me private message on this website pls go ahead. I feel with you a lot on this. I know what you are going through and how hopeless it feels .
All the best.