• PrettyMel PrettyMel
    September 29, 2010
    My boyfriend broke up with me because he is depressed. Is this just a cop out or what? I am so lost right now?
    PrettyMel PrettyMel
    September 29, 2010

    Hello,  I had been with my boyfriend 14th months before we had broke up.  We tried to go out Friday and he wasn't himself and I asked what was wrong and he said nothing.  Then saturday I tried to talk to him and he said everything was fine.  I then tried to talk to him on monday and he got all mad and said he needed time. 

     

    I got tired of not knowing what was going on and I went over to his house to talk.  He just said he was so depressed and he needed a break. He needed to sort stuff out in his head.  Then I asked if he knew I was still the one and he said he didn't know he didn't know anything because he was so depressed and he couldn't deal with it with me. 

     

    I asked him if we could go to counseling together and he said no there was nothing for us to work out.  If it would of been something between us that I did or something with my personality then we could, but this wasn't about me it was about him being depressed. 

     

    I asked him if he was saying he would never want to date me again, and he said don't read more into it than what I said, I said I am depressed, I am depressed.  I said then I will have to see other people and cut you out of my life and he said that was okay he understand.  He acted like he didn't care about us at all or my feelings. 

     

    He wouldn't let me help, and he wont go talk to anyone else.  We were planning on getting married this summer and he had said sure that I was the one for him, and that I was stuck with him for the rest of my life.  And that he was sure of and that would never change. 

     

    He just acted so cold to me like he didn't even care about me or that he would lose me. I told him this had hurt me and he didn't even say sorry.  He just said I know you have been telling everyone.   He had always said we would work things together.  I am lost.

     

    What do I do I am so confused I love him to death.  He said we had to break up because last time he said took him months to get over his depression, and he didn't know how long it would be and he couldn't be around me.

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FROM OUR EXPERTS

  • John Folk-Williams
    Health Guide
    September 30, 2010
    John Folk-Williams
    Health Guide
    September 29, 2010

    I realize this is a huge shock, but his depression isn't a reaction to you. He's so caught in a downward spiral of bad feeling that he likely has trouble see anything from your point of view. If you press him now for definite answers about how he feels toward you, you won't get much in return - depression is consuming his mind and feelings when it's really bad.

     

    I know when I felt that way for a long time, I tried to reassure my wife that it wasn't about her. However, she was on the receiving end of some very destructive behavior, so the damage to our relationship was done. If he won't get help, then there isn't much hope that he'll get rid of depression on his own and get back to his old self.

     

    In the meantime, you could take a lot of punishment and frustration. The hard truth is that there's not much you can do. Urging him to get help and offering love and support is about it. But you also need to remind him and yourself that there's only so much you can take. Please look after your own health - many in your situation wind up depressed themselves, and you want to avoid that.

     

    John

    • PrettyMel
      September 30, 2010
      PrettyMel
      September 30, 2010

      I actually have clinical depression myself, I am good at managing, but right now I can't.  I can't do anything. I feel so hopeless. Like nothing even matters anymore.  And I can't stand the thought of me being with someone else or him being with someone else when we were planning on getting married this summer.

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    • wrecked
      June 09, 2011
      wrecked
      June 09, 2011
      I went through the same exact thing with my ex. I can very easily be thrown into a depressive episode, and when my ex became depressed, cruel to me and shut me out, I had the worst episode, for quite a while. I did hold on longer than I should have, because I could not have ever imagined myself with anyone else. Well guess what? An old flame sort of came into the picture, treated me amazingly, and healed the damage that the other guy caused. I became so afraid from walking on eggshells for so long that once I fell for someone else, he too would shut me out. Not the case. Even though it is long distance, it broke down my walls just enough to heal properly. I am learning to find joy in the littlest things in life and nature and being on my own. The depressed ex did contact me and I do want to be friends, but I am keeping him at a distance. The damage is immense, you might not even realize it now, but the longer you hold on, the worse it will be READ MORE
    • nomi777
      January 18, 2012
      nomi777
      January 18, 2012
      Listen I know what your going through really I do. I'm 16 and my ex is 18 and you may think that our love is just puppy love but I promise you it's not. We started dating last October and broke up on the 27th of December. And then we got back together on January 9th and then he broke up with me today. He says that he's depressed and that he can't do it anymore because he's depressed and that only his friends make him happy right now. This isn't the first time we have broken up. No this is the 3rd time that I have gotten hurt. And I can't get over him because he was the first guy I have gotten intimate with. And I wanted to keep it that way. And I love him very much. Like I'm talking like so much. And he says he depressed and all that will make him happy right now is his friends. And so I took the situation in my hands talk about it calmly. I told him that I understand and that I get it that he doesn't want to be with me right now or anymore. And I told him that it will be good for him that this will give him time to really think about his feelings and get them in check. As badly as I wanted to beg I didn't. I know that wouldn't have made me look good. And so I played it cool and I said all I had to say. I'm just hurting really bad again. I need someone's help about this. Is anyone can help please email me at naomi_anaya@yahoo.com Please I need someone's help to see if him being depressed was the real reason why we broke up. And I need help so that I don't fall into a depression as well. Please someone help READ MORE

FROM OUR COMMUNITY

  • Nicole September 29, 2010
    Nicole
    September 29, 2010

       I am going through a very similar situation. Almost creepily similar is our exes' seemingly cold and uncaring disposition in the wake of our pain.

     

       My ex is depressed. He is taking medication and seeing a therapist. When he broke up with me two weeks ago, he told me that, at the heart of things, he's just confused. He doesn't know how he feels about anything anymore. A week ago, I brought it up to him how it seemed like he didn't care about me at all and he actually started crying and shouting, telling me that he cared a great deal about me and the situation. Your ex probably feels the same way. Acting like they don't care may keep the guilt at bay for them. Guilt is a huge part of depression, and I know my ex always avoided thinking about things that made him guilty. It seems that depressed men will push their feelings down until they just can't anymore.

     

       I think it's safe to say that your ex is indeed depressed, and not just lying to get away from you. However, it's best that you let him go. I know you don't want to hear that. Believe me, I'm having a hell of a hard time doing it myself. But depression is a monster that won't allow our exes to have a healthy relationship until they work on themselves. And that can take years or not even happen at all.

     

        If you're still talking to him, please encourage him to seek professional help. That's the first step. Make sure you remember that what he's feeling is not your fault and that you deserve a relationship where the love is reciprocated, which won't happen if you're with someone with depression.

     

    Stay strong, I know myself how hard this is.

     

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    • ellied
      September 10, 2014
      ellied
      September 10, 2014

      Hi nicole-

      this is a long shot as you post was a few years ago. I can relate to almost all these posts on here but yours makes the most sense and makes me feel calmer about my situation. My boyfriend broke up with me whilst visiting me during our summer holidays from university. I know he suffers from depression and we have talked about it a lot but i try to let him deal with it in his own way. The break up was out of the blue and he lay in bed crying for hours telling me i was the best thing that ever happened to him- so when i asked why he was doing this he just said he panicked and didnt know why. I realise that he was doing it because if he cant make sense of his own head, how can he make sense of a relationship, but then a day later her came crying to me asking i it was too late to take it back! I obviously love him so i said no its not, and i'll give you all the space you need. He went back to him home which is a plane ride away from me. Sinse he left he has been so cold and agressive towards me- by agreeing to space i know i have to respect it but he should still be able to behave properly towards me. He is doing things that are very unlike him- and i now worry he is acting out in fustration with it all by cheating on me. We are back in University in a weeks time and are meeting to talk things over. I know what i should do, but i love him and im worrying about so many things, im anxious every time my phone rings incase its him ringing to break up and im scared when i see him he will just tell me he doesnt love me anymore.

      I realise your post was a long time ago, but if you could shed any light or advise it would be greatly appreciated.

       

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  • loverGuada October 20, 2012
    loverGuada
    September 29, 2010

    Im 15 years old, my boyfriend of almost 6 months, would be 6 months in 2 days on the 22nd, broke up with me yesterday at school. we hadnt been normal for about two weeks before this happend, we barely talked i felt like he was ignoring me, he said he wasnt getting my texts or calls, or anything, i would see his tweets and facebook status's of him saying "needing to vent" "need someone to talk to" so i was getting all stressed out, and trying to be there for him, i would see him at school, we would walk eachother to class say bye i love you and kiss, i would ask my friends what im doing wrong, one of my friends said that i was hounding him and to give him space, so i tried and told myself not to worry, and that everything would be fine again. that was wrong! so this week we had barely talked or seen eachother, i felt like i was doing something wrong. we hadnt been the same for a while, he was always that kind of boyfriend who was so happy to be calld my boyfriend, told everyone im his first love, we didnt have sex, so glad we didnt, but weve been thru alot, im mexican so i couldnt have a boyfriend untill i was 15, im that kinda girl who loves so hard and deep, and when i care i care alot maybe to much, i know im young, and its my first time having a relationship, but im very sensitive! so yesterday at school he was with his guy friend his bestfriend i guess you could say, i went up to him, but he totally ignored me, i knew he had seen me, cause he had looked right at me, he walked away! so i then got sad and started crying, i was so hurt and confused. then later i seen him, and he said we need to talk, he pulled me to the side, and shrugged his shoulders, said we havent talked all week, i said i know, i tried he said i didnt get anything, he said i have alot of stuff going on right now, i think its better if we just be friends, i started crying again he said i love you, and maybe if things get better we'll date again i promise, i couldnt even look at him, he said can i have one last hug, i was sooo hurt and i just couldnt, so i said no and walked away! i know he has bad things going on right now, and stuff but what could be so bad that he has to end this, i just wish he could of been a little stronge about this, i feel like he gave up on me, and it was so easy for him to do that to me, things arent so easy for me right now either, but i didnt leave him, i was trying to be there for him but he just wasnt letting me in, he has cried infront of me before, but he showed like no emotion, my friend told me that he told her,  he broke up with me, she said he was shaking and looked sad, and  his cousin told me the same thing, then my friend said that he told her what happend, and he said he felt bad that whole day, he said i still love her and walked away sad! i have been crying so hard, never seen this coming, im sooo beyond sad, words cant even explain! he said he would never break up with me. :( i know things arent perfect but that doesnt mean you should give up, maybe he needs time to get himself back together, in all reallity i want him to be happy i really do, hes normally this bubly always smiling guy, he doesnt like to show emotion most of the time, he wears a fake smile, i know him better than i know the back of my hand, so i know that he doesnt like to show his emotions, im scared that he wont try to get me back when/if thngs get better!:( i just wish he could let me be there for him. people tell me not to worry and to just let him take care of whats going rightnow, and to be strong and not give up on him, hes my first love, i will always have felings for him, i hope things work out for him and his family then us, but i dont know if it will all be the same after, i guess i just gotta let things happen, hope for the best and try to be stong, im not giving up on him, but how can i just be friends with someone who showed you what love was, and showd you that a guy can love a girl like me! im just so confused.

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  • Rosie March 28, 2012
    Rosie
    September 29, 2010

    Hi! I just ran across your post now...looking for the same answers you were looking for. I see that there is quite a time difference and you are probably in a different place now, but our circumstances are so identical. What have you learned and is there anything you can share with me to help? I am in so much pain right now and dont know what I can do. I know that he needs to help himself, but do I wait for something that may never happen, or do I try to let go even though my heart bellongs to him? Does it really get easier?(its already been 3 months and there has been no change in his depression except that he has turned away from his friends, as well, nd became very angry with them, yet he wont say a word to me. Any help would be appreciated!

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    • jo
      jo
      March 28, 2012
      jo
      jo
      March 28, 2012

      @ Rosie... Im 25 and have known my love for 6 years. I'm actually going through a very similar situation at this moment... I'm on day three since he said he thought a break would be good for both of us.

       

      I'm a wreck and have so many confused feelings and questions. Questions that don't have easy answers. I don't have answers so I can't help you there, but if you want to talk to somebody who is going through something similar right now, it might be good for us to connect possibly by email?

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    • Rosie
      March 29, 2012
      Rosie
      March 29, 2012

      That would be great Jo, thanks! My email is roseklock@yahoo.com Hope to hear from you! Maybe together we can figure this out:)

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    • olivia
      April 10, 2012
      olivia
      April 10, 2012

      Hi Rosie,

       

      Going through the same thing with my first love (and everything) and boyfriend :( Thinking back he started getting depressed over a year ago but last year was just awful. I felt like he didn't care and I put up a wall to protect myself because he was constantly late. I mean everytime I saw him. It brought up childhood issues of mine because I have an emotionally abusive mother who would leave and forget me and I started having tantrums because my boyfriend was doing the same thing to me. I just felt like I wasn't a part of his life or really important anymore for most of last year and I often felt unwanted. 5 months ago he just disappeared and I would see him all of the time. We went no more than a week without seeing each other in 2 years and he got sick and just disappeared off the planet. No calls or texts back and I was just a total wreck for the 3 weeks that went on. One night he called back and cried and pretty much broke up with me. He said that he wanted to be with me and he loved me and he saw a future with me and my cats. He also said he didn't understand the difference between a break up and a break when I was trying to make it just a break because of his confusion. only 3 weeks earlier we were talking about how we sometimes thought we could never break up with each other. This was November 2011. I didn't see him for 6 weeks and in that time we texted only a few times and whenever I had a few days away from him I would be fine but hearing from him again would mess me up. He agreed to meet up with me and I saw him for an hour. He had told me over and over he couldn't be in a relationship (the phonecall) but I found him on the dating website we met on mid 2009. I did understand he was confused but he specifically told me he couldn't be in a relationship yet his profile says that is what he is looking for. Save yourself the pain. I went through months of it and I am still very upset. He started ignoring me after I last saw him and 3 weeks ago i left a voicemail the night of his birthday asking him why he hated me (his facebook status said sorry for forgetting to invite anyone to my birthday, i invited everyone but a select evil few) and he texted back and said I am a really special person and he definitely doesn't hate me. It's funny how I am so special yet he has ignored me since then. I left 4 voicemails saying the things I had wanted to say for ages about how he won't find anyone like me and how he is running away from me and he said nothing. I even cried and asked how he could just ignore me like that. I ended up talking to his bitch of a mother who pretty much said it's over (even though he has told her nothing) and that was the last straw for me. It has been a week since then. At the same time ever since he left me I have been better than last year. Last year was a total nightmare being with someone unreliable and progressively getting bitter and more and more depressed. I was in it for the long run and I wanted to marry him and everything. I'm 23 and he just turned 21. I forgot to mention his dad left his mum after 20 years of marriage just randomly when he was 14 and he ended up moving to the other side of Australia. I never imagined my boyfriend would do that to me. We made a voicemail together early on in our relationship and he changed it a few weeks after we 'broke up'. I didn't realise it was a break up because I thought he was just really messed up and I couldn't believe that he would do this to me. It is like I don't exist and this was my absolute worst nightmare. That he would just disappear like this. He was the sweetest guy when I met him but he didn't deal with his issues and he threw me away. I don't know the person he is now but I hate him for putting me through this and misleading me. on valentines day I sent him this cute picture with words about how finding your soulmate is finding someone who loves you no matter what and he said it was really cute. I wanted him to be my first and last and I didn't see this coming. The damage a depressed partner does is awful. It has damaged my self esteem because he was disinterested in intimacy for a long time and I just couldn't understand why. The most hurtful thing is that he said I was the only person who really understood him and I believe that because he is quite introverted and was always himself with me. I put up with him being a poor partner because he wanted to change and be better; to be the person both him and i wanted him to be. Maybe one day he will come back and apologise and be the person I met but I am done being ignored by him. It is such a cruel thing to do. I sent him a msg the weekend I left voicemails and I just said if you want me out of your life just tell me. No reply. Nothing. All he ever said he wanted was for me to be happy yet it feels like he has punished me. I forgot to mention but he also moved house months ago and didn't tell me then blamed me! He said he didn't tell me that he had moved because he thought I would be mad. Then he later apologised and said he didn't know why he didn't tell me. I sometimes feel like maybe he didn't love me or wanted to leave me for a while but I don't really think so. I think he is messed up and constantly disappointing me like he did just damaged his self esteem. I told him I just wanted to be his friend and he just never responded properly to anything. He avoided everything. Considering my painful upbringing I can't believe he did this to me and I get so angry and hateful towards him for treating me so badly. I do believe it is the depression but you can't excuse this shit and let yourself suffer. Since he left I haven't had the overwhelming feelings I had for most of last year where I was in a state of confusion and pain over him constantly disappointing me and making endless empty promises. I clung to the idea of us for months and thought that he wanted that but I don't deserve this treatment. The time I saw him a few months ago he got teary about 5 times and I thought the way he was looking at me was a look of love. Now I wonder if it was pain or goodbye. I just don't know the person he is now. I said to him multiple times how I didn't want to be with another guy and be intimate with anyone else. About 2 months ago I called him and he answered and I was a bit teary and said that I didn't want to wait for someone who didnt love or want me back. His response was that it was understandable. He had numerous opportunities to say something to me but he didn't. He did say in the break that he wanted to catch up with girls for coffee and not to freak out and that it isn't seeing other people but when we had another conversation i said so does that mean i can go f other people and he said yeah I guess so. If someone loves you how the hell can they agree to this? I thought he was just realled messed up (and he was) but do I really want a guy who makes me feel like that and has caused me a lot of pain? I thought he was the only person who ever loved and understood me. The only way to get through it is fight for yourself and now I am seeing all of the things he didn't do for me and thinking I want a partner who really is my partner and offers to do things for me, not just does them when I ask them to. I do hope that my ex partner does come back, in a way, just to feel like it's not the end. I just didn't think this would happen to me but I guess most people don't think it would either. :(

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    • olivia
      April 10, 2012
      olivia
      April 10, 2012

      Sorry I didn't even answer your question! I haven't really told anyone the full story like that, maybe one person cos her partner did this, but not really. It feels like the days drag on and it doesn't get easier. It got easier for me the day I decided that it was enough after my boyfriends mum said it was over. She was horrible! I blame that on her bitterness because her current partner is hopeless and proposed about a year ago and never talked about the wedding again! Also she has no idea about how well I know her son and I also suspect she is jealous because she lives 2 hours away and I took up a lot of his time. My ex also would get angry at me! He saw his dad get remarried in August last yr and after that things started going downhill. I think this brought about doubt and confusion with me as well. He started getting angry at me when I would be upset and cry. This is not normal behaviour and clearly depression but you can imagine how upsetting it is for someone to get ANGRY at you when you are crying! He turned from this loving and compassionate guy into a selfish,unreliable and angry depressed person. It is so sad that he pushed away the one person who understood and loved him and knew about his issues (me). Until last week I thought he was the one and I pined for him everyday and things reminded me of him. If you don't put a stop to it I don't know if it will get better because for me the time just went on and I would still be sad and upset. It's like waiting for something and someone but they may never turn up. It's seriously the most awful thing. And being ignored is probably the cruellest thing to do to any person. It is so confusing and painful to be ignored by the person who you love and the person who you never expected to do this! 

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    • Rosie
      April 10, 2012
      Rosie
      April 10, 2012

      Olivia, I am so sorry that you are dealing with this too! Its been over three months now, and just when I thought I was doing better, I found a letter that he left for me (it was hidden in the bag on my motorcycle. Had I not gone for a ride that day, I would have never seen it) He asked that I please find it in my heart to forgive his confusion. That he truelly does love me, but isnt sure of his future. He told me I would be a fine catch for anyman and I deserve better than him. Thats all noble, but why couldnt he talk to me about it? Why the silence? That is the worst part. Since the letter, I went backwards. I am not as young as you, Olivia, as I am in my 40's, but it hurts just the same! But at the same time, I dont have the years to waste waiting. I am trying so hard to forget him, but I see him in everyday things...things we use to do together. I have decided it is best to TRY to move on with my life, as even his friends tell me that he is a mess. It sounds cruel, but how can I ever trust him again? Everytime there would be a problem...he would just run away! I couldnt go through this again. we dont deserve this kind of treatment. I know that our men need help, but I also know, that you can't help someone that doesnt want help. I know men deal with things differently, but you are right...what they did was cowardly and was the cruelest thing a man could do to a woman! I so hope that we can pick up the peices and with each day we heal a little more! My only fear is that...what if they come back? Will we have the strength to do what is right for us?? 

       

       

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    • olivia
      April 16, 2012
      olivia
      April 16, 2012

      Hi Rosie! 

       

      Arh so men never grow up hey :( After I left voicemails and messages with NO response I sent a last msg saying I was done. Last week (over a week after) he sends me this message saying he was sorry he thought he replied (yeah right) and that he had nightmares and woke up and realised he hadn't. What the hell! He also had the nerve to ask how I was and said sorry if he seemed or was selfish. Are you kidding me? Also he said he is still messed up. So that excuses him moving house and completely ditching me? Right. 

      I can't believe you got left a letter, but at least it was something. It seems that men typically do this kind of thing when dealing with problems. Such a great idea to run away from the person who knows you and cares for you. I was so upset and then angry when I got that message from John because I was like how dare you! He just ignores all my missed calls and messages as if they never happened? Ignoring someone is really the cruelest thing a person can do! It is like denying their existance. 

      Holding on to people like this just ends up destroying yourself :( 

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    • sg1018
      April 16, 2012
      sg1018
      April 16, 2012

      I'm going through the same thing. On day 3 of "space" he asked for and says he needs. So confused, devastated and at a loss on what to do. If you think you could talk to someone who is going through this please email me. sofia.gray@gmail.com

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    • Sarahk82
      May 08, 2012
      Sarahk82
      May 08, 2012
      Hi! I'm so happy I found this site because every post is exactly what I'm dealing with right now. My boyfriend of 3 months had some sort of mental breakdown over a week ago and darted saying how he doesn't know what's wrong with him, doesn't know what's going on in his head, he's stressed, overwhelmed, and doesn't know where he's going. Then made excuses and refused to see me, but had sworn it's not about me at all. Then yesterday he sent me a text saying "i can't do this I'm sorry" and that was pretty much it. I told him I'd be here when he was ready and that I loved him, etc but he just replied with him not being right and needing to step back and look at things. I then asked him twice if he just broke up with me through text and he just completely ignored me. The messed up thing is that what he's doing to me is what he's been afraid I'd do to him. That I'd hurt him etc. unbelievable. He doesn't even have the respect to break it off face to face and he always said he hated sayin serious things through text. Now I'm left to heal my heart once again and deal with being convinced ill never find anyone else. READ MORE
    • olivia
      May 09, 2012
      olivia
      May 09, 2012

      Hi Sarah,

       

      I just found out my boyfriend of over 2 years who kind of broke up with me but didn't (said he saw a future with me and my cats and still loved me and wanted to be with me) in November has a new girlfriend he has been f*cking and who has been on the scene for a few months now. He was my FIRST everything (I'm 23) and he ignored me for most of the last 5 months and didn't properly end things with me, wouldn't answer calls or reply to voicemails/messages, and has hurt me and betrayed me SO BADLY! I only found out about this new slut because of her blog. She looks like me, loves cats, but is a total whore who posts cleavage and bra photos of herself. I feel ill. He is not the person I knew and he has betrayed me in every way possible. I never expected this and I was left holding on for months because he ignored me and I thought he was just really messed up. We had a real relationship (his first proper relationship apart from one in highschool) and he just f*cked off like that, knowing I had abandonment issues but had never been PHYSICALLY abandoned like that. His dad left his mum randomly when he was 14 and then moved interstate and was an abscent father and his highschool gf cheated on him, then they were seeing each other again and she said she had a new boyfriend. He did ALL OF THAT to me. I suggest keep away from him because he will just screw things up for you. I have been screwed up by my ex's behaviour and treatment towards me. I was treated disgustingly and I tried to do the right thing and eventually he will realise what he did. The best thing for you is to not let yourself get dragged down by him and don't let yourself end up even more hurt because he has screwed you around. 

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    • olivia
      May 09, 2012
      olivia
      May 09, 2012

      Hi Rosie,

       

      How are you doing? God men are horrible. It is true that they don't seem to care because they have blocked their emotions to the point where they feel numb and can't let themselves care. My boyfriend (as you can read below) has a new girlfriend who he is sleeping with. I found out from her blog because she posted a video saying "my vagina has never been happier" and he replied with "ouch :P but my penis has never been happier" I felt so sick I would have thrown up if I had actually eaten before that. I only found this out 3 days ago. I see a psychologist and she thinks that he has an avoidant personality disorder and that he left because I was too perfect for him and too intense. I was!! 6 weeks after he kind of broke up with me (BUT DIDN'T! wouldn't give me answers or let me go) I saw him and said I realised all these mistakes I made and he just didn't seem to be able to cope with it all. Then this slut who looks like me and loves cats (I have 3 and he loves mine so much) comes along and makes him feel all awesome (a temporary distraction) and the idea of him doing what he did with me WITH HER makes me so so sick. He was my first and I didn't want to have a second or any more. I hope one day soon he realises what he did because as my psych said to me "people like you are rare and few." I never abandoned him and he ignored me even when I left voicemails fairly recently, me in tears saying please tell me what is going on you are hurting me. I don't know him how he is now and my psych said no way has he been able to replace me, he is void of emotion and I was his forever girl but after he saw his dad get remarried end of August last year I think he just freaked out about relationships and the fact I knew him so well (better than anyone ever has). Nothing else can really explain his behaviour. He developed a stutter from such bad anxiety and he told me it was the best it was when he was with me, even better than when he talked to his own family. What hurts the most is how he treated me and made me feel so worthless but after my psych said DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP and gave me stuff about avoidant people to read, I have to see what he has done as something that was all him and not me at all. I guess me accepting him and helping him and loving him was too much. :(

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    • sonia
      July 17, 2012
      sonia
      July 17, 2012

      Hi Rosie,

       

      I was in a similar situation and very much in love with my boyfriend, until he told me he was depressed and needed space. I gave him the space and kept in touch through phone and texts and visits once per 3 weeks. Later in the same month I found out he was cheating on me with his ex and this space was a means of dumping me and slowly distancing himself. It broke my heart and brought me down like I ahd been it by a train. He didn't say sorry or even didn't try to keep in touch. Its been 3 months now and I do text him sometimes and miss him a lot and hurts bad to think he would be with another girl and how much energy I put into our relationship was all just been ignored. He replies sometimes and ignores my texts at other times.....sadly it kills me from the inside, but I try to smile from the outside as life has to go on. Thought to share this experience, incase it helpd some of you out there in similar situation. I was a fool to believe it was depression, though he did suffer from depression, I think I was just used to make him feel better, and now that he is well, he doesn't care anymore.

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    • BBB2111
      September 15, 2012
      BBB2111
      September 15, 2012

      Blimey!!! this could be me writing this post!!!  Exact same thing is happening to me right now!! it's been 6 weeks of no contact, he has ignored my calls, texts and visits to his house.  I know he is depressed, it happens at the same time every year, lasting about 8-10 weeks but why can't he talk to me about it?  We have taked about it after the events but why does he shut me out??  We have had a year of loving and caring for each other, planning our future and holidays etc, then BOOF, he leaves my house and says he will call tomorrow, that was 6 weeks ago.  I really don't know what to do.  I message him every few days or so reminding him I'm still here and that I love him and that I'll be here when he's ready but nothing.

      I lost my mum last weekend and really could have done with his support.  I had one text telling me how truly sorry he is and that he's not in a good place right now WELL GUESS WHAT - NOR AM I?  I love him deeply and I know he loves me, I just don't know what to do anymore - any suggestions anyone?

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    • Stephyy89
      March 21, 2013
      Stephyy89
      March 21, 2013

      Hey I saw your post and your situation is very similar to mine. I know it's been awhile, but I would like to know if things got any better for you. I've been dating my now ex Cry for about 6 months. He broke up with me about 2 wks ago and the pain of it all is still there. The problem is we had kind of a longish distance relationship (45min drive from each other), but we still saw each other.

      We started out strong, but has time went on he'd come up with an excuse for me not to come over and the weather didn't really help with my side of things either. Can you say snow, snow, and more snow. I felt that he was pulling away, but didn't want to be clingy to him either. He said he's wait as long as took for me to give him my everything. Because I told him about my past history, which involved abuse and that's why I was afraid to open up to anybody. But there was something different about him I thought he would have been the my one and only (I'm 23). Also he likes to blame things on himself, like an accident that happened to him 5 yrs ago, which involved alcohol. Every year he'd become depressed according to his mother. And it came to that time of year again. So I don't know if it's because of that and he wants to straighten himself out first or what.

      When he broke up with me he asked me to meet up with him. And when we did he told me that he's very sorry and wouldn't want to hurt me, but that he felt like we were more like friends than anything else. I was totally shocked that I just froze and didn't know what to do. Once I gathered what I could manage inside of me at that moment he gave me a hug and I slowly left his car. As I did he buried his face into his hands and I went home. Well, as I cried in my car for 2 hours and tried to put myself together. I was so confused I didn't know what to do. I didn't know if I wanted company or to stay by myself.

      So I don't know what to do. Will it get better and should I wait and see what happens? Friends tell me he just needs time to co op and he'll realize what he's missing and come back. I don't see myself with anybody else but him. Any advice to a fellow sister?

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    • Natalie
      April 04, 2013
      Natalie
      April 04, 2013

      Hi Stephy

       

      Have you heard anything from your boyfriend? I am going through a very similar situation and just wanted to share my story. I have been with my boyfriend for an year. Last month he told me he does not have the emotion he needed to have to be in a relationship. He said he wants to be alone and work through his issues. I was shocked then i asked him how he feels about me? and he said "i don’t feel anything". I asked if it is over and he said we can talk about it later. He never tried to text, call or talk about it. I decided to leave him alone as he asked. it’s been a month and i haven’t heard from him. I text him once just asking, how is he doing? he said "pretty good" and that’s about it. I saw his posts on face book drinking with friends and having a good time. It just kills me that he is ignoring me and won’t see and talk to me. I am hurt and dont know what to do. Its very difficult..  Any advice?

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    • Stephyy89
      April 04, 2013
      Stephyy89
      April 04, 2013

      I'm sorry to hear your situation. I've figured he just needs a friend at the moment so that's what I am trying to be for him. Just friends. It's hard at times because he won't tell me what's on his mind, but I have to remember that he needs space so he can continue to put himself together and hopefully he will be able to move on with what he is dealing with. Guys can be confusing and insecure about themselves and would like to shut themselves out like my ex, but he needs to come to the realization that he can ask for help when he needs it. I try my best to get him to admit he needs help, but he's stubborn in his ways so I am here for whenever he needs an ear to listen to. Plus, the party sounds like he may be trying to distract himself from the pain he may be going through just as you are going through your own pain too.

      And yeah when ever I text him asking how he is his usual response is OK or fine. Me on the other hand likes to be completely honest with him and I am hoping that he will eventually will do the same. So my advice would to be a listening ear or helping hand if you can bear it. And hopefully he will realize that he actaully needs you. Many relationships are different so I don't know if it will work for you or not. This is just what I am trying to do.

      Some people just give up on love for no reason at all. They just need to realize love is worth the fight and struggles that they go through. And they need to fight their own little demons first and put themselves back together first in order to love another person again.

      Also I am friends w/ some of his friends so that helps as well because they sometimes let me know how he's doing too. Just hang in there, you will get through it. It's starting to become easier for me to go back to doing things that I enjoy.

      Also take care of yourself, you need to remember that you need to make yourself your first priority. For example, go out and hang with friends. It may seem like you're distracting yourself or trying to bury it (felt that way to me), but it will start to help you after a while. Hope I helped.

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    • Natalie
      April 05, 2013
      Natalie
      April 05, 2013

      I can be a good listener as long as someone is willing to talk. He is not good at opening up at all but in last 13 months I have noticed somehow I can reach him and he will let me in.  It was not easy for him at first and it happened over time. But this time he completely shuts me out. . We have few mutual friends, like you said. I was talking to one of them last night. She said he is been playing pool lot lately, even in the weekends. (He and his friends’ plays pool couple times a week after work). So now he is at the pool hall almost every night after work. 

      I am not giving up on him yet, part of me still feels he will be back but I don’t know when. I just hope it’s not too late but I often wonder if he will be able to feel for me again or not (he said he don’t feel anything in our last conversation. I mentioned in my last post). What if over time he forgets about me? 

      I am doing much better now since it’s been a month and trying to go back to my old routines, still there is emptiness without him. I guess it will get better too over time.

      Thanks for replying. It feels good to be able to talk to someone who can relate. I hope things work out for you too. 

       

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    • Stephyy89
      April 05, 2013
      Stephyy89
      April 05, 2013

      Not a problem at all. I'm happy to try to help in any way. He will never completely forget about you. He will always have a part of you in his heart. And I am trying to do the same thing by not giving up too by trying to be there for him. It's challenging at times because yes he closes himself off on people that care about him. (I don't know what type of person you and your ex are, but we are both introverts where we like to keep things inside until we can't really take it anymore. A way I deal with it is through posts that I share on my facebook account. It reliefs some stress that I get. And a few close friends of mine who support me help as well. He's never really found a way to deal w/ what he feels yet. Perhaps some day he will be able to so he will be able enjoy his life more. I just wish he'd let me help with that, but alas he won't.) And I hope he will finally realize that people deeply care about him and it's okay to open himself up without being afraid of getting hurt. Plus people say if it's meant to be it will be. I for one kind of don't believe in that logic. People need to fight for what they want. For example a person on a street can become a well known citizen through what they do. They don't just sit around and wait for that to happen to them. So what I am trying to get at is don't give up if you believe that it will work out for you. And I'll try not to give up as well even if it's hard at times. And like you said it does get a little easier as time goes on. A song that reminds me of this is "A Little Bit Stronger" by Sara Evans. It helps me whenever I am at my weakest. And I hope everything works out for both of us.

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  • CE.CE23 November 23, 2013
    CE.CE23
    September 29, 2010

    HI MY NAME IS CE.CE I BEEN WITH MY EX FOR 3 YEARS , 9 MONTHS THIS IS SO HARD FOR TO SAY MY STORY WHAT I BEEN THROUGH WITH HIM " SEP 8TH HE DID ME SO WRONG THAT I HAD TO CALL THE POLICES I COULDNT TAKE NO MORE OF HIM JUMPING ON ME OVER unnecessary B.S HE STAR WITH ME , HONESTLY I DIDNT WANT TO SAY ANYTHING TO HIM BECAUSE I WAS SCARY TO DO SO HE WAS MESSING AROUND ON ME WITH THIS GIRL WHO LIVE AROUND THE APT PLACES WE LIVE AT WHEN I SAY THAT HURTS ME SO MUCH I TRY TO LIVE EVERYDAY TO NOT BREAK DOWN OVER SOME MAN WHO NEVER LOVE ME ALL HE DID IS USES ME THAN HIS DAUGHTER ALWAYS SAW HER DAD SPEAK TO ME SO WRONG CALLING ME EVER NAME , THE BOOK TO ME , I AM SETTING HOME RAISEING HIS DAUGHTER , HE IS STAYING ALL NIGHT NOT THINKING ABOUT HIS GIRLS AT HOME HE HAVE A FREAKING FAMILY HOME WHO NEEDED HIM OF HIS TIME , HE DIDNT WANT TO GIVE US HIS TIME HE CARE SO MUCH OF PEOPLE WHO MATTERS , THE STREETS THAN ME , HIS CHILD ITS NOTHING I WOULDNT DO FOR HIM TO PLEASES HIM CARTER TO HIM ALL THE TIME , NOW ME NOT WITH HIM NO MORE I REALIZE NOW HE NEVER CARTER TO ME OF MY NEEDS IT WAS ALL ABOUT HIM IF ITS NOT IT WAS GONN BE A WAR, THE HOUSES HOLD I ALWAYS FELT LIKE I WOULDNT MAKE IT BEING WITH HIM OR , THE HOUSE HOLD NO LIE WE HAD SOME GOOD TIMES BEING TOGETHER WHAT REALLY LOSE EVERYTHING IS MY TRUST I HAD , HIM WENT AWAY BECAUSE HE SHOW ME HOW HE IS 2 YEARS BEING WITH HIM HE STOP TAKING HIS PILLS , HE TREATED ME , HIS CHILD SO WRONG , NO ONE DONT KNOW WHAT I TOOK FROM MY EX HE WAS MY BEST FRIEND , I DID HAD LI TRUST IN HIM BUT NOW BEST FRIENDS DONT DO THIS TO HIS PARTER JUMPING ON ME LIKE I AM NOTHING TO HIM THAN I HAD A ENOUGH OF HIM BEATING ON ME SO I CALL THE POLICES ON HIM I TRULY DO MISS HIS DAUGHTER I FIGHT HARD TO GET HER BACK LIVING WITH US AS A FAMILY , I DID FROM HER AUNTIE G.G WHO BEAT ON HER BADLY SO I WORK HARD TO GET HER BACK TO ME , HER DAD , I DID THAT WAS A SPECIAL MOMENT I WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER KNOWING I AM NOT , HER LIFE NO MORE DUE OF HER FATHER JUMPING ON ME ..WHAT IS REAL SAD TO ME NOW HE SAYING HE DIDNT DO ANYTHING TO ME " DEPRESSION..THAT HURT ME SO MUCH OF MY BEING ...I ALWAYS CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP OF PAIN WHAT HE DONE ...TO ME ...ITS NOT ONLYING ONE PERSON WANT THIS IT TAKES TWO PEOPLE RIGHT I FELT LIKE ALL BY MYSELF EVERYDAY HE NEVER TAKE ME NO WERE PERIOD ALWAYS , THE HOUSES WITH HIS CHILDREN SO MY STORY IS SAD , IT MADE ME DEPRESSION MYSELF BECAUSE I TRY TO LIVE MY LIFE EVERYDAY POSITIVES , I AM NOT HAPPY OF MYSELF , I DO GO TO GROUP MEETING AT CASE THAT HELPS ME ALOT TO , I ALWAYS WONDER WOULD I GET BACK TO MY SELF BEING HAPPY , JOINING LIFE AGAING . I TRULY THANK GOD FOR GETTING MYSELF OUT OF THAT .. 

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  • AliDuck August 21, 2012
    AliDuck
    September 29, 2010

    I want to just start by saying how thankful I am to find a forum of people going through very similar situations to mine. I'm sorry we are all having to deal with this but its helpful to hear other stories and perspectives.

     

    My boyfriend and I had been to together for about 8 months when things started to get rocky. It started with a total loss of physical intimacy and then kind of spiraled out of control from there. He finally opened up and told me that he is very sure he suffers from depression, has been diagnosed in the past but hasn't seen any professionals on the subject recently. He told me he needed some space and still cared about me and wanted to see me but couldn't see me as often. I was trying to give him space, we would go days without talking and while it was rough on me I figured if I was patient it would sort itself out. Then he broke it off completely.

     

    It has now been two weeks with no contact.

     

    I was wondering if any of you were able to reconcile your relationships after to get back together? I'm walking a thin line right now of trying to hold on to hope that we can get back together after he seeks help and sorts things out and just moving on because he clearly can't handle a relationship right now.

     

    I still care about him and I'm interested in trying to open communication back up just to let him know that I'm here for him if he needs me but I also don't want it to seem like I'm trying to push him to get back together.

     

    If anyone is still reading this thread any advice you can give me would be really appreciated. Thanks!

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    • BBB2111
      September 15, 2012
      BBB2111
      September 15, 2012

      Ditto !!!  e mail me if you want to    littleflatty60@yahoo.co.uk

      x

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    • sindalia
      October 23, 2012
      sindalia
      October 23, 2012

      I discovered this site while looking for advice on dealing with a partner, or in this case ex, who suffers from depression. Your story seems very similar to mine, including how you have chosen to handle it. Basically, my girlfriend broke up with me completely out of nowhere. She told me she didn't feel that we were compatible and that she needed to be alone to sort out her depression. I got upset, said things I probably should have but later apologized when we exchanged each other's personal belongings. We had been together a year and I always tried being supportive with her depression. We very, VERY rarely argued about anything and things seemed to be going well. 2 days before she broke up with me texted and told me how wonderful of a boyfriend I am and how much she loved me. Followed by words of love and wanting to be held by me. It was mere days between that and her breaking up with me. I respect, love and want the best for her so I am doing as she asks. I have respectfully decided not to contact her, or do anything that may push her further away. It is hurting me a lot and I'm constantly wondering if she will come to her senses or if all of the medication she is on to cope with depression will act as a way of forcing me out of her mind and forgetting me altogether. Has your situation changed? Have things got better? I know your post is older but hopefully you have some positive words to give me. All I want is for her to be happy and I'm wondering if it would be selfish of me to wait a month and send her a kind message such as "You popped into my head the other day and I was just wondering how things are with you. I hope you feel better"....she told me during the breakup that she needs this right now, that she loves me, that it isn't as black and white as I may think and that if i tried to contact her she probably wouldn't mind that.

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  • LovelyKris June 13, 2012
    LovelyKris
    September 29, 2010
    My boyfriend recently told me that he's been suffering from depression for years. He said it comes and goes but it is back now and worse than ever. He has a lot of things going on in his life right now and thinks that us taking a break is what is best for now. I'm amazed to see that so many others have been going through similar situations, I can relate with all of these posts. Would it be possible to talk to any of you through email? I've been so confused and in so much pain. Talking to people who have/are going through this too would be wonderful. READ MORE
  • LovelyKris June 13, 2012
    LovelyKris
    September 29, 2010
    My boyfriend recently told me that he's been suffering from depression for years. He said it comes and goes but it is back now and worse than ever. He has a lot of things going on in his life right now and thinks that us taking a break is what is best for now. I'm amazed to see that so many others have been going through similar situations, I can relate with all of these posts. Would it be possible to talk to any of you through email? I've been so confused and in so much pain. Talking to people who have/are going through this too would be wonderful. READ MORE
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