My husband of 40 years left me three years ago, lying that I'd asked for a divorce.  He lied and lied about me until I couldn't live anymore, then I carried out my preferred choice for killing myself.  I woke up and finding  myself alive was more furious than I'd ever been before.  I haven't awakened one day , not yet, not a single day when I've awakened, glad to be alive.  I'm happy when I'm with my grandchildren, and I love my students almost as much if not as much.  Why, because my husband who literally earns 5 1/2 times what I earn and is living rent free with my daughter who he has alienated from me.  After three years of this, my son who had not spoken a word to me at the time, is finally seeing what his father is about.  Right now, he desperately needs some financial assistance and emotional support.  Our daughter-in-law's mental illness finally burst into action one day when she threw a knife at my oldest grandson and got him just a quarter of an inch belowthe eye.  My son called the police because this was the culmination of watching her mental state go down, especially in the last two years.  To make a really, realy long story short, the judge listened to the two oldest kids and gave immediate custody to my son.  He said they'd have to study the situation with the other children - this while the ten year old is screaming tha he is being drugged, having his arms twisted behind his back, and, I believe, broken.  He wrote a letter to the judge asking him to please listen to what he sees happening to his brother and two sisters because "Mommy and all my Aunties made them afraid to say anything."  Then he describes how my daughter-in-law lures his little three year old baby sister onto her lap, and then, just as the baby thinks she is going to get a hug of a kiss, or a piece of cake, my daughter-in-law punches he in the stomach so hard that she knocks the baby onto the floor.  The other children can't stand to see their little sister hurt, and they start crying and can't stop.  That's when the medicine starts getting stuffed down their throat.

I am aso horribly depressed.  Just days before this happenedmy "husband" suddenly decided to have divorce papers served on me knowing that I still hadn't found a lawyer for certain, but was almost sure.  Putting out the money for the retainer for my lawyer, though she reduced her fee for me emptied out every penny I had.  I feel like the little boy in Holland who doesn't know which hole in the dike to plug up with his fingers.  I don't know how to hang on to this information without going into a deep, deep depression.  I feel like having myself rolled flat like a pancake in order to be able to wrap my self around the convoluted nooks and crannies in my my mind.  I don't think I want to go through al of this.  I just don't know what do do with myself.  or how to help, not me, not my son, not my grandchildren.  What do I do to keep from falling back into the horror of suicidal depression.  nx  http://www.healthcentral.com/depression/c/question