My daughter in law has a history of depression. She has gone to a therapist in the past with very good results. She and my son have been married for 3 years. They bought a house that has become "the money trap". My son lost his job and was out of work for about 6 months. They got into quite a bit of debt, however, he did get a job and they are digging themselves out. 5 months ago, they found out she was pregnant. They were very excited and were going to announce it on Christmas with the whole family present. A couple of days after finding out the good news, she became very ill, was rushed to the hospital and found that she had an ectopic pregnancy that ruptured. It was a very close call for her. She came and lived with me and my husband while recuperating since I work at home and was able to take care of her. She got back on her feet and went back home. They then had water damage to their house and because she can't "deal" with problems, I agreed to let her stay with me and my husband again while their house was being fixed. Unfortunately, they got a big run around from the contractors and she ended up being at my house for 2 months. She was a pretty happy go lucky person, but she has become progressively more down in the dumps. She and I have an absolutely wonderful relationship. Me and my husband even get along great with her parents, brother and sister in law. We have family fun nights every friday night together. We go on vacations together and I just love all of them. My daughter in law has recently told my son that she's not sure she wants to be married. She said she doesn't want children any more and feels that's not fair to my son. I think it's because of the lost pregnancy. (Also, she lost a brother when she was 5 yrs old). She thinks her family is jinxed. She continued living with us and I told her that if she is not going to work on her marriage, then being with us is not the place to be. She decided to go to her parents house. My son feels that if she was interested in working on their marriage, she would have gone home with him. They have an appointment to see a marriage counselor this week, however, he's not sure if he's going to go. He thinks she needs to get herself together before they can work on their marriage. She is also making an appointment to go back and see her therapist. Should he go to the marriage counselor? Part of me understands what he's saying, but part of me thinks he needs to be there so he can understand what's going on with her. Maybe she just doesn't want to be married any more or maybe it's her depression. Help. I feel so bad for my son. He's really hurting and is mentally drained.
Q: Daughter in law's depression - treatment and/or marriage counseling.
Hello, Mary -
You show wonderful thoughtfulness, concern and support for your son and daughter in law while facing a very trying situation for all of you. That's especially helpful since neither of them, understandably, can feel the same level of compassion for each other that you have for both of them.
After all that they've been through recently, I agree that they should see a marriage counselor together. Your son would likely feel a lot of anger and hurt after his wife's questioning the relationship so deeply and want to stay away. But it always takes two to create the dynamic of a relationship - he might think of a counseling session as an assessment of where they are as a couple. They both need to make a decision about whether to work on this or walk away, and a counselor can add a whole new perspective to their thinking.
Your daughter in law's behavior is fairly common for someone with a history of depression. She's in the midst of it again, and blaming the marriage or at least seeing it as incompatible with what she's going through is a phase thousands of depressed spouses go through. There's a moving story about this in the recent documentary, The Misunderstood Epidemic-Depression. A woman in that film explains how she almost broke up her marriage because she blamed it for her illness. (I just wrote a post about that along with the preview of the film at my blog, Storied Mind. You might be able to see the entire film on PBS since it's being rebroadcast this spring.)
It's encouraging that she's had a good experience in therapy previously and is open to marriage counseling now. I hope she's seeking treatment for her depression - since that is the major thing she has to deal with. Since she has a history of depression, all the stress of the pregnancy and financial issues, separation from her husband and now also from you, I would expect the illness would be taking over her thinking. Support for her treatment as well as marriage counseling is critical.
I hope all this starts moving in a positive direction - please feel free to stay in touch here.
John
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Well, the situation has changed. Both my son and daughter in law have decided not to attend marriage counseling at this point. They feel that she needs to get herself better before they can work on their marriage. I don't know if I agree with that. How can they work on their marriage at all if they're not even living together and only communicate thru text's? I think the longer they stay apart, the more of a wedge they're putting between themselves. She is going to see her therapist by herself today. My son offered to go with her, but she doesn't want him going and said she doesn't want him waiting around for her. I don't know if this is her depression talking or if she's making excuses to get out of the marriage. He told her that he is there for her and loves her and if she needs some time, that is fine. Also, wouldn't it make more sense if the therapist she was seeing individually was also the one who saw them together for counseling? At least that person would have a good idea of what's going on.
Thank you again. (I'm the one who's going to need counseling!)