Hello. My husband & I are going through a very difficult time right now & I am in need of some guidance & just someone to talk to basically ! To sum up a long story we are both out of a job, due to unexpected recent job loss, living with my mother ,& expecting our first child in march. I believe my husband is depressed but he refuses to talk about it with me or seek help. He is irritable, moody, gets angry easily & for little or no reason. He doesnt want to have sex anymore, he wants alot of alone time & always complains that he feels on edge & stressed all the time. He looks for ways to cope with the stress like taking a long drive by himself, taking a nice long bath to relax or just simply getting out of the house to exercise or do something active. All of these things seem to help for a short & brief time but the stress always returns. It is affecting our relationship very much & I am trying to be strong & save my marriage but it is taking a toll on me as well. He has always been very happy, free spirited & just easy going. This stress has turned him into a person that I dont feel like I know anymore & that is very hard to deal with for me. Especially with a baby on the way, I need him more than any other time right now & its just not possible in the state he is in ! I feel all alone & very sad because im afraid it wont get better & he will always be this way. I know thats not the reality but very easy to feel that way right now ! He likes to spend time away from the house as much as possible, im sure he feels worthless & all since we are living here with her. He looks for ways to cope with the stress by hanging with friends & doing activities he once enjoyed but all of this is hard for me because i really want to spend time with him. Even though I know if he was here he would just be sitting playing video games or not talking anyways. He tells me everything will get better eventually but if he wont get help for it im afraid it wont, or it will just be a temporary fix & will come back again ! He has recently gotten a good job where we should be able to move out of my moms soon & start working towards happiness again, but he still says he feels stressed & that nothing is any better. Thats what makes me feel this is depression. I just dont want it to ruin my marriage, i know that i am not going to leave him & that i am here for the long haul to help him out anyway i can. I just worry that the depression will take over his mind & body & make him want to leave me thinking it will make things better ! Please help me. I need some words of advice or encouragment from someone who has been here before ! If he wont seek help what else can be done ? Thanks = )
Q: dealing with a spouse who is depressed
Not that I am an expert but it almosts sounds to me like he is trying to control the relationship and intimacy is being held for ransom.
In order to have a relationship both parties need to be involved. Maybe the 2 of you need to have a sit down, let it all out kinda talk. Obviously you have opened up a question within yourself that the relationship is suffering. You need to figure out what you want out of the relationship and start communicating.
Just my thoughts.
Pat
I am going though the same thing. I just had a baby 16 weeks ago and my husband has been depressed for months now.
I felt the same exact way you feel...you need your husband to love and support you when you are going through such a life change....Your body is changing, your emotions are unstable to say the least (due to the hormone change...forget the affect he is having on you).
If your husband is anything like mine he will me very resistent to talking to someone. So, recommend going with him to a couples therapist to work on your relationship. Tell him you need to (almost play the victim and convince him to go to help you - even though you and I know you will be going to get him the help me needs.
Having a baby is a huge life change and it puts a lot of pressure on the guys. He could be afraid he will not be a good provider, or a good father. That is probably scary for him. He is most likely avoiding you (hanging out with his friends) because it is easier to avoid the feelings than deal with them...and you remind him of those feelings.
Don't ignore it. Confront him in a loving and supportive way...re-assure him that you love him and you are in this together......but do not let it go....get to a therapist (unfortunatly time does not make it better on its own).
Stay positive and strong. I have been there and know how you feel.
Good luck.
Hi brandi
My heart goes out to you. How are things now? Although I am not married, I have been dating someone who displays similar coping mechanisms and I believe he is depressed as well. He likes to take off on his own, thinking that will "fix" whatever he is going through, but it never has. I always give him schnarios like "well what if we were married and had kids and you were acting like this???." Everyone on this site is SO supportive and what I have learned is that the best we can do is encourage them to get help becuase we can't fix them or get help for them. With a baby on the way, hopefully that will be enough to prompt him to feel an urgency to get help. My boyfriend has agreed to go see his doctor, but since he broke up with me on the weekend, I am not sure if he's gone yet or not. He promised me he would go because he said if there's one thing he's learned it's to listen to a woman when she tells you to go see your doctor. I know once the doctor asks a few questions it will be obvious to her what the problem is.
Keep gently suggesting he goes to his doctor... and try to be there for him as much as he will allow. Unfortunately the timing is bad, with a baby on the way.. this shoudl be the happiest time in your life but now I'm sure you have mixed feelings because of all this emotinal turmoil. Although you feel alone, lean on your family and friends (and everyone on this site) for support and hopefully your husband will get help in the meantime.
Please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing. Thinking of you!
Important:
We hope you find this general health information helpful. Please note however, that this Q&A is meant to support not replace the professional medical advice you receive from your doctor. No information in the Answers above is intended to diagnose or treat any condition. The views expressed in the Answers above belong to the individuals who posted them and do not necessarily reflect the views of The HealthCentral Network. The HealthCentral Network does not review or edit content posted by our community members, but reserves the right to remove any material it deems inappropriate.
Featuring Content From:
By using this service, you accept our Terms of Use. Please read them. The consumer health information on is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment for any medical conditions. You should promptly seek professional medical care if you have any concern about your health, and you should always consult your physician before starting a fitness regimen. Copyright © 2012 Remedy Health Media, LLC. All Rights Reserved.
